What's been happening in my world?

There really hasn't been a lot going on, hence the lack of posting - sorry about that. We are gearing up for Christmas, and I am officially on holidays until December 27th which I am very happy about. Unfortunately I drew the short straw at work and have to go in on the days between Christmas and New Year, but I will only really be working half days due to my flexi-time, so I guess I can't complain too much!

We have had some great news recently, Murray has been offered a new job for next year at a private Baptist college here in Perth! God works in mysterious ways, and we feel very blessed that this opportunity has arisen at the perfect time for him. To get us through the summer break, Murray has taken on a gig as Santa at the local shopping centre next week! Hopefully I will be able to get a photo with my own personal Santa next week!

So with the week ahead off work, I am planning to take my little nephew William off to the zoo for his first zoo trip! It will be a nice little adventure for him, I personally haven't been to the zoo for around 6 years so it will be great to get there again and have a walk around.

Fertility-wise we are at a stalemate until we progress further on the public IVF waiting list. At some point I need to call up the waiting list people and work out who is currently going through the system, based on when their referral was, and that should give us a guide as to how much longer we will need to wait. Our referral was put in September 2011, so hopefully they are up to 2011 referrals, which means (hopefully) that we will be seen sometime in 2013.

In weight-loss news, I have now lost 26kg, and my BMI is below 35 which is the cutoff point for adoption and access to the public IVF clinic! So great news for us, and I am feeling so good about everything. I can really notice the changes to my body, I feel healthier, and I know I made the right decision for me to go ahead with surgery.

A little update

For those not keeping track over at Lose and Hope, I have had my surgery and am in the recovery stage. So far I have lost around 11kg in the past month, and I am comfortable with my decision, even when some days are difficult. There is a lot of adjustment to be made, but I went in with my eyes open, and I'm already starting to feel the benefits. Just the knowledge that I can take the power back from my body - well, sorry for the lack of words, but it is powerful.

Before I had my surgery, my doctor said to me that I should go back on birth control, as obviously getting pregnant would stop the weight loss. I told him he had a snowballs chance in hell. He insisted and said that I had to give him at least 6 months guaranteed not getting knocked up, and even with our history, my rapid weight loss could make me super fertile. I stuck to my guns, and therefore am status normal - no protection, yet still not knocked up.

It's amazing that it has been more than six years of trying. There are always ebbs and flows, and right now I'm in one of those good places, where you can appreciate the great things about just being two of us. We are both young, we love spending time together, and have so many opportunities for happiness outside of baby-making. The sting of course is always there, but most of these days, you can barely feel it, unless you want to feel it, if that makes sense.

We are six weeks away from our 7th wedding anniversary. I imagine this year will be pretty low-key, not least because Murray lost his job last week (a whole other story), so we are tightening our belt financially.

I also have my 10 year high school reunion next month, which is making me a little nervous. Being around all these people who barely gave me the time of day in high school, everyone who has their own little families now, people pretending to be super successful. I know I have done well for myself, but I don't want to be the self-important person trying to make myself seem better than I am - that's not who I am and it's not how I want to be. Instead I've decided to catch up with some old school friends who I haven't seen over the next month I think, just to touch base. I'm not sure I'll even go to the reunion yet, but most likely I will. We'll see.

SO back to fertility (Gee it always comes back to that!). My plan is to restart our local adoption paperwork once my BMI is under 35, which will make us eligble again for approval. We are still on the public IVF waiting list (1 year down so far), and I imagine that we should get through to that sometime in the next 12-18 months, so if we haven't had adoption success by then, I will be starting that process again. It seems like so long ago that we went through this all. Maybe another year older and wiser will be the winning solution. I know I'm only 26, and that does give me some relief, that I'm not 10 years older and in a far worse predicament.

Okay, I've really put my blog name to work today - a lot of ramblings from a person whom many call crazy. Time for me to hit the hay. Night all.

What I've been working on

I've been a little busy lately. I've been making decisions about what I want my life to be like. I can't live my life and not have thrown absolutely everything at having a child, and my weight is holding me back from doing that.

So on September 21, I will be having a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, also known as weight loss surgery. It's drastic, but so is 16 unsuccessful IVF attempts, and the thought of not having children. It's also drastic to think my life expectancy is lowered by a decade because of my weight, and that the only direction my weight is going is up.

I've started a separate blog to follow my progress, I'd love for you to pop over. It's called Lose and Hope and I'll be blogging everything to do with surgery, recovery and life losing weight.

The not blogging thing

I'm feeling snarky today. Possibly it's just my period being a bitch. But I'm in a foul mood, which somehow makes this easier. I'm just not in a blogging mood right now. No doubt I'll be back in a week or month or two. I can never stay away for long. And it's not a 'break', I'm just gonna do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Work is hard, I'm back studying at night trying to get my degree, I had another papsmear came back abnormal which of course has skyrocketed my stress levels, and to be honest, I have enough on my plate. Hopefully I'll get back into some blogging rhythm when winter is over and the sun comes back. Hopefully. Always hopefully.

Out of office

So I'm currently on the other side of the country, visiting two of my fsvouritest people for an extended long weekend. It's my little brothers march out celebrating his return from Afghanistan at the Enogerra barracks tomorrow morning. My Mum and her partner are here for it as well, and I am writing this post from an Irish Pub in the city centre as we get a little sloshed to celebrate my brothers awesomeness (oh and also it's my birthday tomorrow-yay me!). After all that is done and dusted, I am going to hang with my girl Sass- I can not wait!

Anyway, enough being antisocial and blogging from the pub. Back to life.

Walking into the sunlight, eyes open

I see little things everywhere and my heart is glad. The beautiful full moon a couple of nights back, being able to go fine wine shopping for Murray's birthday, putting on high heels, cuddling Charlie in bed in the morning. They may not make sense but each is a tiny piece of this puzzle of my life, and is helping me be the person I want to be.

I struggle with depression, and have done since I was a teenager. My first experience of depression was as a fifteen year old, after a boy I had a crush on and I had a physical encounter. No not sex, but touchy feely and kissing, but rumors went around school about how easy I was, and it got to the point where I went from being a solid A student, to not handing assignments in, going to bed straight after school, and just feeling like the world was out to get me. My Mumrecognised the signs at the time and forced me to get up and out of bed, and somehow it all just worked out okay. At the time I didn't know what those feelings were about.

The next bought of depression is chronicled in this blog. Probably around May 2007, when we realized that the baby thing wasn't happening, when we would have to do IVF etc. you know the story from there. It's tough to live with a monster that can rear its head at anytime. I'm grateful that I have medication that can help me live some sort of a normal life, but I do struggle with it almost every day.

I tend to "self-talk" a lot. A thought will flick into my head and I basically have a conversation with myself, usually debating some type of feeling that I'm experiencing, or what our next steps are going to be. Often is pain related- I feel sick, I don't feel well, I need to sleep, I can't do this. Usually it happens when I'm driving by myself, and I've started to try and build distractions into my drive to help avoid the pain-depression spiral I get myself in. Listening to music, imagining what I'd do if I won lotto, planning how I'm going to renovate meh kitchen all offer me refuge from the ills that sneak into my head and try and sink me lower and lower.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I guess it's trying to make people understand me better. Pain or the threat of pain stops me from doing a lot of things. A good friend had gastric banding surgery done which has been a great success for her, but I won't consider, only because I know the pain and vomiting would send me into a deep depression. Everything is just so much effort with depression.

Anyway, that's enough delving into my psyche for the moment. I really am doing okay, and just taking things one day at a time. Cliche but true.

Coping through the disappointment

I've received a lot of support over the last week and firstly I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has called, messages and sent emails. I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considering. I think the overwhelming feeling is disappointment for the lost opportunity. To be so close and then lose it, it's hard to swallow some times. And now we are back to square one. No embryos, either ours or donated. Money in short supply. Our dreams are so far away once again.

Six years has taken its toll, but it has also I think prepared me to be s good mother. I have been so lucky to be involved in my friends and family's kids lives. I change nappies, help with baths and bedtime, and get to go to weekend footy matches and swimming lessons. We've been really blessed to have those opportunities. But no matter how involved we are, we are never that child's number one person, the person they seek out when they have a nightmare, or snuggle into between Mum and Dad on the couch.

We are booked to go to a fostering information session next Wednesday to learn about the Western Australian foster system, and a new program called 'Home for life' which is essentially a permanent care situation. I don't know about eligibility or what's involved so this is just a change to 'dip our feet' so to speak, and see if it something that we want to pursue. At least it is something to pursue, something to have hope for.

So we aren't giving up. Not yet. It's too much to contemplate.

Chemical pregnancy

Unfortunately my blood test today confirmed that it was a chemical pregnancy. I'm okay, I think. I'm not sure what to do now. I just want everything to freeze in time, so I can deal with everything and get myself okay with where this is all at.

8dp5dt, Beta day

So I'm a little bit pregnant. Not enough really though. My beta was 7. Which basically translates to a chemical pregnancy.

I did a test on Monday morning which was negative, and then on a whim tested again that night which had the faintest of lines. More tests the next day and the line was still faint but definitely there.

I'm upset, but I have pretty much accepted that it is a chemical pregnancy. My Mum and Murray are both holding out hope that it is just a late starter but I don't think it is. I have to go for another blood test on Friday to see what my hcg level is so we will know then.

5dp5dt

For those that aren't au fait with IVF lingo, 5dp5dt means it has been five days past our five day old embryo transfer. 10 days post ovulation. Usually I would have tested today but I am trying to hold out for the blood test. My official test day is Thursday but I have a work commitment that morning, so am going to see if I can bring it forward to Wednesday, which isn't that far away I guess.

I had a headache today which left me in bed for most of the day. I'm trying to avoid taking any unnecessary medication so skipped the paracetemol and tried to sleep it out. It's still hanging around, but I feel better now that I've been up and about. Murray went into the clinic today to meet with the counsellor to have a chat about a few things, mainly coping mechanisms in the event that this cycle fails.

I think we are both in a bit of a rut at the moment. It doesn't help that our dogs have been absolute shots lately- escaping by digging under the fence practically everyday. So then we lock the dogs inside during the day and we come home to 'accidents' throughout the house, which is enough to set anyone's nerves on edge. Hopefully we can sort that out soon and have one less thing to worry us.

I'm starting to get really scared about this cycle not working. I know the odds are against us, better than what they have been with our last cycle but still, at around 30%, we are still odds on to get a negative result. This month marks six years of trying to have a baby and its still a struggle to cope with infertility, sometimes it's a day-by-day thing, other times I can pass a week or two without a negative thought crossing my mind. But it's always there, in my heart, that desire to have a child of our own to love and adore.

Three more days...

'Honey' - FET #6, IVF #16

So yesterday we had our frozen embryo transfer, sorry to keep everyone hanging on the news! Our blastocyst defrosted really well and continued to grow, and even our fertility specialist mentioned how good our embryo looked on the screen. I have a picture of it on my phone but can't seem to upload it on my iPad.

In keeping with tradition, we have named the embryo - this little one is called Honey, named by my girlfriends who kept me company via Facebook chat during the transfer procedure. We hope this little Honey is just as sticky as its namesake.

Blood test is next Thursday, Please, please, please!

Transfer tomorrow

Got the call this afternoon- my transfer will be tomorrow morning at 8.45am! I have to be at the clinic at 8am, so another early morning for me. Unfortunately Murray can't take time off work at the moment, so I'll be doing the transfer by myself which is a little scary. I've done it before alone, but I still prefer Murray to be there with me.

 

Transfer cancelled, for now

So our second little embie survived the thaw but didn't develop at all over the 24 hours since, so our transfer for today has been cancelled. We got the call at 8am from the embryologist, to be honest I expected that it was coming so I'm not too upset.

Instead they are going to defrost our last embie (a blastocyst) and we will transfer on Tuesday. This is the last of the three we were given from the clinic, so I am nervous, but at the same time I still have great hopes for our last little embryo.

Day 13- Trigger happy

So today is trigger day! After five days of blood tests, resulting in a nasty bruise down my right arm, I had my scan today which sowed three follicles ready to pop, so I had my trigger injection this afternoon. That means ovulation on Thursday, progesterone pessaries start on Friday, embryo thawed Saturday and transfer on Sunday. If our embryo doesn't show any signs of development after being thawed, we will cancel transfer and instead thaw our blast embryo in Monday for transfer in Tuesday. 

I have a really good feeling about this cycle. I just pray that we get to transfer a live embryo this time.

Day 7 already

Day 7 already, my first blood test is on Friday and I imagine at that point we start the bloods/scans/trigger/transfer merry go round again.

The last week has been pretty good, I've bounced back really well which I'm happy about. I spent the weekend in Bunbury serving as church coordinator for State Youth Games which is a great sports event for around 1000 16-28 year olds. I had to deal with a lot of teen angst but overall we had a great time. I got to play beach volleyball, dodgeball, ultimate frisbee and entered the fishing competition (I caught a bream and a whiting!)

Work is really busy but it's keeping me occupied which I am grateful for. So nothing else really to report, just plodding along until this cycle gets to the interesting part!

Day 1 - FET #6 - Each day is a new beginning

So we are going straight into another frozen transfer cycle. It seemed to be the best option, we have paid a lot of money for administrative costs surrounding counseling, transfer of ownership and embryo freezing, and I'm in the 'treatment zone' as I like to call it. I'm used to waking up early for the blood tests, and I am in a good enough headspace to keep going for now.

I know a few people commented with concerns about my 'obsession'. I truly have been blessed in my life, I know that. I live in a free country, have married a wonderful man and have a great family. But there is a giant child sized hole in our life and hearts, and yes- that has left me at a point in my life where the one thing I can't have, I desire the most. The thing is, just like everything in my life, I am going to go after what I want. And I don't do things by halves. I put my everything in. That's just how I roll.

Day 28 - Cycle busted

No surprises, the blood test result was negative.

Had a meltdown at the pathology clinic this morning, resulting in me yelling at everyone in the waiting room. I'm sure it will be funny once this black cloud lifts.

Have come home from work early so I can mope in peace without running behind the bookcases to cry my eyes out.

I'm ready for happiness. I just wish it would find us already.

Day 26 - Testing

Murray and I agreed to test tonight instead of before work in the morning. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. The test was negative. I have to go for my official blood test on Tuesday morning, but the test was pretty stark.

My head is pounding and I'm upset, but I suppose I should never have expected anything different.

So onto Plan T, or is it Z? I've lost count. Another frozen transfer of a donated embryo. This time I'm going to ask them to grow the embryo further to make sure it is still expanding, and then if it doesn't keep growing, we will use the day 5 embryo instead. I don't know if it's even worth doing.

Maybe I should admit defeat and wake up to the fact that I'm not going to be a mother.

Day 25

I'm anxious. Then happy. Then scared. Then joyous. Then hopeful. Then anxious. Murray jokingly says I've turned emo. He's not wrong.

Day 24 - patiently waiting

I am feeling really positive about this cycle. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Little Chewy is safe in my belly. Chewy as in we hope he is going to stick like chewing gum. I'm surrounded by kids, and I love them all, but I ache for my own. Someone I can love with all my heart and not have to temper myself. It is what I dream of.

Day 22 - PUPO or A Little Bit Pregnant

Murray likes to tell me all the time tht I am PUPO. That is, Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. One of those infertility phrases you learn over the years. I like to think of it as a little bit pregnant. After all, we 100% know that there is a fertilized egg, an early embryo in my uterus. We don't know if it will develop further, but the one thing that gives me some hope is that the couple who donated this embryo were successful before us, and I'm fairly sure that would have been from the same batch as this little one. Lord I hope so. Only 6 more days until we get the results. I bought a pack of pregnancy tests from the supermarket this evening. I ummed and ahhed about whether to get them, but I know that I will want to know the morning of the test to prepare myself as much as possible for the official result. On Tuesday I am also going to a meeting that my brother, his partner and her mother will be at to discuss what's happening with guardianship etc of my neices and nephews. I just want them to be safe and happy. Hopefully the meeting will help us resolve some things. We've loved having the littlest one Jack around, and hope to be able to take him every so often, which also gives his parents/careers a break. Apologies for the lack of paragraphs in some of my previous posts- I assure you I haven't declared war on grammar! For some reason the new blogger layout isn't compatible with my iPad, which is my main blogging medium these days.

Day 20 - Business as usual

So today was all business- back to work, back to the daily grind. I'm. Tying to put the IVF stuff out of my head, but I am definitely more emotional than normal. My favourite Internet forum (yes I'm a geek!) set me off in tears, and when Murray tried to comfort me, I pushed him away and get all frustrated. Probably just the progesterone being pumped into my system, although I always that that was meant to be a mood balancer. I got to Skype with my youngest brother tonight in Afghanistan! Recently he has had a lot more access to the Internet so we have skyped a couple of times and facebooked each other. It definitely helps to put my mind at ease about him and how he is going over there. He is due back in early July, and I can't wait to go over there, as well as the fact that I get to hang with my favourite blog friend Sass! Only 8 more sleeps until we know...

Day 18 - IVF #15, FET #5, Donated Embryo

So today didn't start off in a good way. We woke up to a call from the clinic at 7.30am, the embryologists wanted to talk to us about our embryo. I got the impression from yesterday's phone call with the nurse that the embryo had continued to develop since it was thawed, but that was not the case.

It was thawed at midday on Friday and as a day 2 embryo it was 3 cells. Ideally it would have divided again and become a 6-8 cell embryo by today but it was still at three. The embryologist explained that it was still not a full 24 hour period, but that the fact that it hadn't continued dividing wasn't a great sign.

We were given the option of either continuing with the transfer as we planned and give it a chance in my womb, or waiting to see if it would develop further over the next few days and try to grow it to blastocyst (not likely to happen) and then defrost the blastocyst that we have in storage to use that instead (of course assuming that it defrosts okay).

We decided to go ahead with the transfer anyway and went along to the clinic. I got dressed in my fancy pants scrubs and while we were sitting outside of theatre, the embryologist came by and saw us to chat about everything. She basically repeated everything we had discussed on the phone, and then casually dropped the bomb- only 5-10% of these type of embryos (ones that haven't progressed but haven't officially arrested) work. I don't know if that is 5-10% of the normal success rate (30%) or 5-10% success rate overall. Either way it is low, really low. To be honest if I knew that was the stat when I got that phone call, I'm not sure I would have made the same decision.

Murray and I looked at each other and I felt tears pricking my eyes. I managed to hold it together and we headed into theatre together.

So there I am, spread eagled on the table with my gynecologist knee deep doing his business, when he asks me when my last pap-smear was. Thinking it was just one of his routine questions, I tell him that I was last year and he asks if he I had ever had a result come back other than all clear. So now my brain starts ticking- what the heck is wrong! My very first pap smear was abnormal when I was 18 and I had to have a colposcopy. Eventually I was diagnosed with HPV and CIN level something, and had to be closely monitored for a few years. So I'm explaining that while all the embryo stuff is going on, and he asks me if there is a family history of cancer! Now I'm extra freaked out - my Mum had gyno cancer very young at 37. After all of that he says to me, oh, well your cervix is a bit red and now it's bleeding, so don't worry, it's not your uterus and cervical bleeding won't affect implantation. The whole event left me rather confused and I'm not sure if I should be going for another pap smear or if you just wanted a detailed history so he knew what he was looking at!

So back to the transfer, we had our three cell embryo transferred and my pregnancy test is on Tuesday 29 May, so at least it is not too long to wait. I am spotting a fair bit but my Dr said that would be from the irritation in my cervix and not be a factor at all. I am managing my expectations - its not impossible that this cycle could work, but it is unlikely. I guess the only other thing in our favor, however improbable, is that we had sex after my trigger injection and I had four eggs prime for ovulation, so you could consider this a double whammy- timed intercourse and a guaranteed embryo transferred into me. Certainly better than what we have had in recent times.

We have my beautiful nephew Jack with us tonight which has been such a nice time. We had a play date with our neighbours and went out for lunch with Murray's sister and parents. We have watched the footy on tv together, and tomorrow plan on seeing my Mum for her birthday. I love spending time with him. It helps ease the pain a little.

 

Day 17 - last minute nerves

So tomorrow is the big day- at 8.30am we go in for the transfer of our little embryo. When I called in for our time slot, they said that the embryo survived the thaw fine and has progressed from a day 1 to a day 2 today, so fingers crossed it may progress even further by the time of the transfer! Sounds like one strong, sticky embie! Apparently Concept do their answers in the theatre as opposed to the treatment rooms which is where I had my IUI's and where I have had FET's at my previous clinic. Another new thing is that we are asked not to wear perfume or any cream or deodorant that is smelly as it can affect the embryos? I guess after six years at this, you can still learn something new. We are looking after Jack again this weekend. We are picking him up after the transfer, and on Sunday we will be going along to the million paws walk which I think both him and the doggies will love! Wish us luck for tomorrow, I am just praying to God that we have finally reached our goal.

Day 16 - Consent forms, again!

Murray and I had a huge blue this morning. He had finally signed the last of the consent forms yesterday and emailed them through, but not to the email address I had given him. Of course the clinic didn't have our forms and they needed to defrost our embryo today, so I got the call at work to sort it out. I had to race home and find the scanned documents and resend them to the clinic, just in time thank goodness.
Things weren't pleasant between us for most of the day, but you know what, we both just said sorry and decided to move on. I was furious - eye popping angry that it could have ruined our chance for the transfer, but it takes so much out of you being angry, that I just didn't want to be angry at him anymore. So I wasn't. I've never really been able to do that before - just decide what emotion I'm going to feel, and do it. Maturity perhaps?

Anyhow, we are both being extra nice to each other tonight and we are off to the cinema to watch 'The Dictator' - something funny to make us laugh and spend time together. Hopefully my stress levels recede with the laughter too.

Day 13 - Trigger happy!

I have just done my trigger injection - hip hip hooray! Estrogen was up to 4000 today, four full-sized eggs but my body wont ovulate on its own so I had a 4000iu Pregnyl shot which will in 36 hours make me ovulate! Transfer will be on this Saturday which is 3dpo. I asked about the timing of the transfer as the embryos are days 1 and 2 but as I thought, they are going to to try and thaw them a day early and grow them in the culture, and if the first doesn't work, do the same with the other embryo. I can't wait! We still have to do a bit of faffing about with consent forms (my fault because I have misplaced the original bunch), but we are getting there!

Day 12 - Happy Mothers Day

So another Mothers Day passes me by. I Passed on the family breakfast and sent Murray to represent while I had cuddles with my dog-children. Had another trip to the clinic which showed my estrogen at 2900. I have to head back there tomorrow for a scan and they think I will trigger tomorrow night instead of today. Oh well, another day to try and get myself better before transfer.

Day 11 - The flu continues

My cold/flu is progressively getting worse so when I was in the clinic for my blood test this morning, I spoke to the nurse about getting some pseudoephedrine cold and flu tablets to help me feel better. I k we Paracetemol was okay to take, but was sure that type of drug wouldn't be allowed, but the nurse said that it would be fine for me to take, and recommended it as it would be better for me to get over this as much as possible before transfer. So I am now suitably drugged up and lying on the couch watching footy with my puppy dogs. Speaking of my blood test, my estrogen has risen to 1900 and my Dr is very happy with the progress. I have to head in for a final blood test in the morning, but it looks like I will trigger tomorrow night sometime. That would make ovulation on Tuesday morning and transfer on Wednesday (Day 1 embryo). If the embryo doesn't survive the thaw, then transfer will be Thursday as the other embryo is day 2. Babysitting my nephew recently has allowed me to let my imagination run wild about the things we will get to do with our future child- swimming lessons, Auskick (junior Aussie rules footy for kids), taking our kids to church, all the fun stuff that we will do together. I can't wait.

Day 10 - Ultrasound time

Another day of feeling sick - yuck! I've managed to get a throat infection/cold/some other yucky thing and I am exhausted from it. I dragged myself off to the clinic at 8am for my blood test and scan, only to sit there for an hour and a half... My scan showed a bunch of follicles around 8 and 12mm with no dominant follicle, so trigger is probably a few days away at least. I took my trigger injection home with me anyhow, easier to take it straight home and into the fridge rather than the secretive "hide-it-and-put-in-work-fridge" dance that I have to do on work days. Estrogen is up to 1800, so at least that looks good. Hopefully my bug will work itself out before transfer - I want to be feeling good and healthy for this baby!

Day 10 - Spending time with family

I've been lucky enough to spend a bit of time with my second youngest nephew Jackson lately. We babysat the whole weekend 2 weeks ago, and then had him for a night last weekend. He is 21 months old and full of life. It's been great fun having him around and getting to do lots of the Aunty things.

Day 9 - First blood test

I've managed to come down with a throat infection/cold that is doing my head in- Just what I needed for this cycle! So I have spent today lying in bed with strepsils, a bottle of water and my ipad and dogs keeping me company. My blood test was done this morning and my estrogen is sitting at 1300, LH 9 and P4 at 4 (from memory). So into the clinic tomorrow morning again this time for bloods and a scan. I don't think I'll be too far away from my transfer, although I will probably need a trigger injection to ovulate.

We had a great time last weekend at the Perth Wildcats MVP ball. This is the second time we've gone to the ball and this year had a 1920's theme which was great to dress up for. Murray and I went with another couple and had such a blast. They even had those photo booths were you jump in and get a strip of photos - they were hilarious!

And here is the evidence!

Me, Murray & our mate Craig

Yeah baby!

Day 3 - Here again

I have been bouncing around my house since I got home from work, flitting between thoughts of nursery's, primary schools and maternity leave, and the self-talk of not letting me get ahead of myself. I can't stop myself from looking at all the baby stuff on etsy. I've saved photos of my dream nursery on my ipad, and dragged out all the baby clothes from storage under the bed to look through. I can't help but feel like this is our turn. We took a break, gathered ourselves and this is our turn for things to go right. I will be heartbroken if it doesn't work, there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better if this fails, so I'm not tempering my spirit. I need to be positive about this.

Day 2 - Donor Profiles

So there are three embryos which we will be using, all from different couples. So here's the rundown of the information we have about the embryos...

Embryo 1

• Female 33yo, Male 30yo, married couple
  
• Female 166cm, Male 178cm
• Ancestry - Dutch, German, Russian, Australian, English, Irish!
• Female - blue eyes, blond hair fair skin
• Male - brown eyes, brown hair, olive skin

Embryo 2

• Female 35yo, single woman using donor sperm
• 5 foot 4, 93kg
• Green eyes, blonde hair, medium complexion
• Medical practitioner, post grad education
• Donor is 27yo, has brown hair and brown eyes and works in human resources

Embryo 3

• Female 32yo, married and used donor sperm
• Caucasian, 5 foot 4, brown hair, brown eyes, olive skin
• Teacher
• Italian/ American background
• Male donor has brown hair, grey eyes and is an engineer.

We have to use the embryos in that order, but to be honest I don't have any preference for certain characteristics over others anyway. The only preference I guess I have is that of a blastocyst over day 1 & 2 embryos but that is about success rates, not what our potential child will look like.

 

Day 1 - Lift Off

So it's game on. Day 1. I start Clomid tomorrow for five days and then have my first blood test on day 9 which is next Thursday. I've been a bit of a wreck today. Had a run in with the Big Boss at work, nothing bad but I had a bit of an attitude and then went of to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I had a valid point with what I was saying but clearly my hormones were getting away from me. I just need to try and get it together and not allow myself to be so consumed by my emotions at work.

Consent forms

Our consent forms arrived today. Each treatment cycle brings a gazillion forms that we need to sign and return - financial info, informed consent for medical procedures, donor procedures etc. The price of a Frozen embryo transfer has gone up a lot since our last one a few years ago, it's now at $2400 plus a $400 transfer of ownership fee. So three grand for one shot. Please God, if I've asked for anything, please give me this.

And if it works...

I've been a little hesitant to write about this round of treatment. I'm nervous. Really nervous. Amazingly excited and hopeful but at the same time completely freaked out. I am back to feeling normal again, my depression is under control, my every waking thought isn't about how desperate I am to have a child. I am risking putting myself back in those dark places, but I guess that's the trade. I've always been happy to make the trade in the past, but with each failure it is harder and harder to convince yourself that it is worth it. We should be cycling in the next couple of weeks as long as my body cooperates. We are starting with the oldest embryos (from the early 00's) as they need to be used before the ten year restriction kicks in. It's a long shot, but it's the only shot we've got. And if it works...

It's been a while

So I've been an absent friend of late. The last couple of months were quite difficult but I am definitely on the other side of that now thank goodness. Easter is upon us, and it's been a great reminder to me to reflect and appreciate all the great things I have in my life.

We've been on a bit of a rollercoaster of late. We were offered some embryo's in South Africa by a lovely lady, but due to the restrictions over there on donor limits, we were unable to pursue that further. Then I received an email from another lady through this blog who offered to be my egg donor. What a generous offer! But that started getting me worked up about having to deal with fertilisation and what happens if something goes wrong. Plus all the counselling, waiting periods, and putting somebody else through the hell of IVF just for me. To be honest, that last bit affected me the most. I don't want to put anyone else out to help me, especially considering our rate of failure. It just wouldn't be worth it to me, because we know that it always ends in abject failure.

But we had a little miracle happen on Wednesday. Every second month I call our clinic to check on our progress in the waiting list for donor embryos. Each time we get the polite no, nobody has brought their forms back, or no embryos are currently available. I don't pin my hopes on these calls, but it's progress of a sort.

On Thursday I got the same response followed by a 'but'. That one word gave me hope. The clinic coordinator said that she has three single embryos (ie from three separate couples) that she keeps aside as a back up in case somebody else's embryos don't thaw out. They have been now offered to us to use one at a time! I don't know much about these embryos at the moment, we are being sent out profiles on them next week, but I do know that the age of the females at the time the eggs were retrieved were 31, 32 and 35.

We have to attend counselling again as this is different to previous treatment as I will not be genetically related (obviously) to our possible child. Counselling is booked in for next Thursday, and hopefully in a months time we can proceed with our embryo transfer! I can't believe it! I have been walking around with this dopey grin on my face for the last couple of days, just so excited that this has fallen into our lap.

I'm starting to come back to life.

Holiday Blues

So I haven't been around for a little while. Murray and I have been off to Indonesia to the island of Bali. I was very apprehensive about going. That's underselling it, I was dreading going away - I was in a really bad place and I couldn't think of anything more than just dragging myself out of bed, going to work, and then going straight back to bed afterwards. All I can say is that this break was exactly what I needed.

Not to say that I am cured, not by a long shot. I've realised I need to stop myself from ever getting to this point. I have an appointment on the 20th to see a psychologist through a mental health centre to help me with coping skills and set up a plan for future trigger events which will be really good for me.

Back to the holiday, Murray and I had a really great time together. Bali is very different to what I expected - 3rd world yet some pockets (tourist areas) are absolute luxury. Hard to reconcile the two extremes sometimes. We did lots of relaxing, drank fresh fruit juices by the pool, walked around for hours, had delicious food followed by decadent massages. And we just spent time together, which was the antidote I needed to my loneliness.

I haven't gone through my photos properly yet but here are a couple from our time away.

Bali Bombing Memorial in Kuta

Happy Hour

Tanah Lot

Monkies playing around at Uluwatu temple

Shopping - my favourite pasttime

Uluwatu

Hang by the pool, next to the ocean? Don't mind if I do!

Hopping Shoes!

Rice patties near Ubud

Keeping it together

The last week has been incredibly difficult, and I am glad to have Murray back home. He had an amazing time on his mission trip to Thailand, but I struggled really badly without him around.

My depression isn't under control. I am slowly working my way through with the help of friends, family and some community services that focus on depression. I need to find a good psychologist to help me learn to cope with pain in a more constructive way.

Today I was having a good day at work, yet all of a sudden it was like a switch has been hit and I became anxious, my brain started whirring with thoughts of self-doubt and I wanted to collapse and get out of there as fast as I could. I didn't, I just closed my eyes at my desk until the worst of it passed and then forced myself to keep going, but I hate that I feel like that all the time.

We are off on a trip to Bali, Indonesia on Friday night, which we have had booked for a year, but to be honest all I want to do is spend the week in bed. I'm hoping that once we are over there, I will be feeling okay and able to just relax and de-stress.

The Crazies

 I'm in a bit of a bad way at the moment. Work got stressful, Murray went away on his trip, the side fence blew over so I had to keep the dogs locked up inside, my sciatica played up, and now 4 migraines in 3 days. 'The Crazies' returned to haunt me. 

Am doing okay now, although the last couple of days have been really low. I am staying with my Mum until Murray gets back from his trip, so I don't have to be alone, and the dogs are able to roam around freely.

I haven't told Murray any of this. He can't do anything to fix me over the phone, and I don't want to upset him, especially when I know he is having such an amazing experience in Thailand. I'm not going to ruin that for him. So I continue to pretend that everything is okay and divert attention to what he is doing over there.

I hate suffering from depression. I hate the way I think, how susceptible to pain I am, how ugly my thoughts are. I am incredibly grateful for friends who have my back and can play the 'mean friend' telling me to get myself right and listen to me cry my eyes out, and having a Mum who will come over and sleep on my couch and then come back the next night to drive me to her house when I'm sobbing on the couch.

I'm not sure where to from here. But I'm hoping it's up. 

Alone

 Murray left yesterday for a two week mission trip to Thailand. While it is peaceful being at home by myself, it is also really tough. January was such a difficult month, between all the illness and injuries, and feeling so unstable mentally. I am definitely on the upside from that thank goodness, but it's going to take me awhile to adjust to being the only one around, excluding of course my doggies. 

I have been thinking a lot about how to get my life back in order, and after speaking to a therapist to help sort myself out, I have chosen to not do any units this semester at uni. It's been a big focus of mine, espescially as I get closer to finishing my degree, but with so much happening in my life right now, something had to give, and between work, health, family and uni, well uni fell to the bottom of the priority list. So besides church, I will have no after hours or weekend commitments. I'm not too concerned about falling behind- I've been doing a summer unit by correspondence which thank goodness is nearly done, so I won't fall behind anyhow. Let's just hope I am able to get back into study mode come July!

I got a phone call from my brother who is deployed in Afghanistan on Wednesday. It was really exciting to hear from him. According to my weather app, it is snowing where he is, and he mentioned that he has a cold as do half of the troops, but than that he is doing well. He got his first care package from us- my Mum and I bought him a kindle so he can read books whenever he wants. I've since sent two more with magazines, Austaliana merchandise, playing cards, and lollies! Hope it reminds him that we are all thinking of him.

Work is a little nuts at the moment due to some internal changes. Its really interesting work and I have a greater scope in my work which is awesome, but I am also working longer hours trying to get the workload under control. Career-wise it is a great opportunity so I am going to continue to work hard at it.

On the fertility front, I spoke to my clinic to see where we were on the donor embryo front. She said they have one embryo available, but it is from a 45 year olds eggs, which she said would be little point for us to try with, and we agree. The coordinator did say that there are a few people who have done all of the counseling etc but just haven't returned the final forms, but unfortunately sometimes those people at the end either don't want to pursue it or just forget about it. I'll continue to call back each month, Hoping someone has decided to donate their embryos. 

So that's me. So much, yet so little to say. 

Injury, illness, the depression paradigm

Well I lasted Monday to Thursday at work, by the time I woke up on Friday I was mentally and physically exhausted and just couldn't force myself to go to work. So for the last two days I have been lying on my couch, alternating between watching the huge amount of sport that is on (Australian Open, Big Bash League Cricket, Basketball etc), snoozing when I feel the need, and coughing my guts up. Delightful.

I'm not a good sick person. I don't cope. Luckily my depression has been kept at bay this week by having to focus on work during the day and then basically falling in a heap and going to sleep at night. I'm usually a very strong person, very independent who doesn't mind in the least when my husband goes out and does other things. This week though, it's really stressing me out. Murray had to go out to church on Tuesday and Wednesday for meetings, and I really struggled being at home without him. Then obviously I was at home yesterday by myself, last night he went out with his Dad, all day today he was out on a fundraiser for his mission trip and tonight he is at the cricket. By no means am I angry at him for doing these things- I love that he goes out to all of these things. Its just that I'm so fragile at the moment... I just really wish he was here with me. I feel more 'normal', more like myself when he is around. When I'm by myself, my head is all over the place.

Hopefully over the next week, my body will work through all of this crap and I will finally get through the fog. Gastro, sciatica, a cold. What more can be thrown at me!

The Daily Grind

 I'm back at work. My cold has gotten worse, my leg is slightly better. It's hard to concentrate on work but I'm slowly getting there. Hubby has just gotten home from a church meeting, and we are going to snuggle in and watch the latest Gossip Girl episode. 

Hope everyone else is doing well.

000 Emergency

 Last night was one for the books. I made my first 000 call. For myself. 

I went to bed around 10pm and woke at 1am with awful chest pain. My skin went all clammy and I became dizzy and nauseous. Luckily the ambulance arrived within five or so minutes and they looked after me really well. The pain was based in my sternum and they couldn't diagnose what caused it but my heart was fine thank goodness. My blood pressure was quite low but other than that, nothing wrong. After a while the pain starting easing off and although the ambulance officers suggested they  take me to the emergency department, I declined and Murray monitored me until the pain fully went away. I don't think I could handle two hospital visits in one week.

All in all, quite a scary experience but very lucky that it was nothing serious. The paramedic said it could be related to the drugs that I have been taking for the sciatica, or a muscle complaint, or something completely unrelated.

Otherwise, I did a lot better today. My mother-in-law came over in the morning to check in on me which was nice, then I had a long nap and spent the evening with a friend watching an old 90's movie. It was exactly what I needed to get some normality back into my life. Now I am just hoping and praying that each day continuously gets better, and my depression and and anxiety get under control. 

Oops, forgot to mention in the flurry of it all. I got my MRI results back which show disc protrusion at L4/L5 and more significant protrusion at L5/S1 so I am being referred to the hospitals Spine and Pain Management Unit. Hopefully they can help this not reoccur!

Enough drama for 2012 already, hopefully I have used my quota for the year.

Today

 This is really tough.

Depression sucks. 

Health update

I am doing much better today. My pain levels are under control with just neurogenic, so no more codeine or oxy thank goodness! I still have loss of feeling and pins and needles and very weak, but I can cope with all of that. My MRI was last night so I am off to the dr tomorrow to get them checked over to see what we can do to fix it and prevent it from happening again. I am also going to have Bowen therapy to or row to help manage the symptoms. 

I think the worst part of the weekend, obviously besides the pain, was the way my mental health suffered so much. It wasn't just the injury, it was the effect it had on not being at work, having to give up an amazing acting job opportunity, and not being able to hand in a uni assignment, all of which got me stressed out to the point of thinking bad thoughts and suffering anxiety attacks. In the end, Murray had to take two days off work to look after me and make sure I was okay. It's been really tough on both of us. I'm just glad that I am thinking clearly again and ready to star thinking about getting back to work and normal life. 

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes xxx

Progress

My sciatic pain has shifted a bit. It is still awful but now it alternates between being agony, and then periods of numbness with pins and needles, all the way down and including my feet. I am walking with a limp and have lost all strength in my left leg. The first time I got out of bed, I fell over because I wasn't expecting it! I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, at least the numbness has given me some relief from the 72 hours of agony.

I'm busy trying to finish off a uni assignment that was due on Thursday, which is giving me no end of grief. I was struggling with it before I got the injury, but in my oxy-haze, absolutely nothing is making sense to me. Luckily I was given an extension until today, but I don't think I will be making that deadline!

In other random news, I have been using all this new found spare time filling in my new 2012 diary! This year I got a Kikki K red A5 diary and I love it! It's my christmas present to myself each year as it usually takes me a couple of months to find the exact right diary that is 'the one'! My neurosis, I know! So I have busily put on all important dates and holidays that are coming up - it's quite exciting to see everything we are doing in the next month or two.

Hopefully the next blog entry will see me being pain free, back to work, and feeling good!

Pain

I am currently writhing in pain on my lounge suite. I have the most agonizing pain running down the back/side of my left leg which the dr has said is sciatica. I haven't had a moment pain free in 48 hours and I'm about to lose the plot. The locum doctor just visited our house and gave me some oxycodone and Voltaren rapid to help control the pain 

I'm so tired of having things wrong with my body. I had gastro for a few days after the new year, my SIJ back pain came back and now this.  I'm so frustrated that I can't just be healthy. Once this is under control I am on the war path to getting myself in better condition. I have signed up to Michelle Bridge's 12 week body transformation which I am hoping will help set me up with some better habits for eating and exercise.  My physio is also going to work on remedial Pilates with me to help build strength in my back.

On that note I'm signing off as the drugs are making me just a little loopy- hopefully I get some pain relief from  this soon.