Phone call

Just got a phone call from Murrays parents to say that friends of ours have just had their second baby this afternoon.

A little girl called Isla. 7 pounds, 3 ounces. Gorgeous apparently.

I managed to hold it together about ten minutes after I got off the phone.

Blergh

I feel like I'm on the verge of another breakdown. AF arrived today and I've managed not to collapse into a heap just yet but I'm only managing to hang on because a valuer is coming around in an hours time. Trying to gorge myself on chocolate and lots of sleep, didn't go to work, can't be bothered going to the gym. I know I need to go and do something and get out of this funk, but I'm so tired of the world. I'm sick to death of people thinking they know better than me about my infertility.

My sister-in-law doesn't want me as a bridesmaid for her wedding - her 'reason' (I say excuse) is that "you might be pregnant then", not because I could be uncomfortable or not want to do it, but because it would look bad in the photos. Right. And when I said that the likelihood is that I wouldn't be pregnant, because of the low success rate of IVM, I was told that "Well we are being positive for you". Just fuck off. If you don't want me to be a bridesmaid just say so. Just because I had you as my bridesmaid, I never expected to be one back, however considering I am your sister-in-law and we are close, it would proably be a nice curtesy to just let me know what you are planning on doing instead of hearing chinese whispers from the family about how a pregnant bridesmaid would screw up your photos. Nevermind the fact that I probably WONT BE PREGNANT! How's that going to feel for me when I arrive at your wedding without a baby in my arms, without a baby bump, with nothing! Fuck, and now I AM crying. I'm sick of this crap.
I'm sick of infertility being all of me, being the only thing that matters and that takes over my life. I have tried distracting myself, I focused on the gym, I took cooking classes, I concentrated on my work and NOTHING WORKS!

I just want that baby. There is nothing else that can compensate for that. I don't even want to have a life if it doesn't have that in it. I love my husband, I love my family, but my life without a child is nothing and I'm over it.

Can't sleep

I've had a shower and have laid down but I can't sleep. I need to get all of this out before I explode. Sorry if it's all over the place...Mitchell (my brother) has lost the plot. I called Alicia(his gf) to ask about christmas (We are holding xmas lunch at our place this year and i wanted to see if they are coming) but the moment she picked up the phone she burst into tears. He has been treating her very badly, calling her an F'ing ugly dog' and telling her to leave and that he hates her etc, but he wont leave the house and he wont actually break up with her.

When I heard everything that was going on, I went straight over there to see if she was alright and took Murray with me for protection. Mitchell wouldnt speak to me, but when he heard Alicia talking to me about him and what was going on he completely lost control, went screaming at us and swearing, telling us to 'get f*cked' and we are all 'f*ing dogs' etc. He went and sat back down on the computer and after a bit I went up to him and tried to make conversation politely and calmly with him, he kept telling me to 'f*ck off' and then got so aggresive that he stood up with scissors in his hand and screamed in my face to f*ck off. He then lit up a bong inside the house, next to his children. This went on for so long, the look in his eyes was like a mad person. It wasnt someone being angry, it was someone with no control, no idea of right or wrong, someone who is pyschologically damaged.

He smacked Lulu so hard today that she has marks on her lower back and upper legs, Alicia took a photo and I just cried. On top of all of that he quit his job last Monday after having two weeks ARL and hasnt rocked up to work for the rest of the 2 week notice period - there goes any reference for a new job, not that he wants another job. He had too much fun getting drugged up with his mates. Alicia wont leave, at least not yet. She keeps saying that she just wants him to change back the way he was, but even from the very beginning, things havent been good between them. I dont know how she stays with them when both her and her children are in danger.

When i left today she said that 'no doubt ill cop it once you leave now that ive spoken to you'. I feel absolutely horrible for leaving them there but she wouldnt come with us. I am devastated. First thing tomorrow, my Mum and I are calling child protection services. I am broken hearted. And that's not taken into consideration the infertile in me. That is just me the sister and the aunty. I feel so helpless but I can't stand by and do nothing.

Bad night

Tonight was a bad night. I can't even write about it right now, it is killing me too much to even think about everything that is going on. Mitchell is being incredibly abusive to Alicia and the kids. It has gotten to the point where my Mum and I have to take action. We are going to make a report to Child Services tomorrow morning. I was in their house tonight and I was scared for my own safety, let alone Alicia's and the children.

One of 'those' weeks

I've been having one of those weeks. Actually I feel like it has been one of those years
I turned 21 this year and I feel like I am finally an adult.
This is the first year I have felt so in control of my life. Yet it is also the first year that I have felt so out-of-control also.

I have built up a career for myself, a job that I do very well at and enjoy, where there is a career plan in place, and I feel like I have achieved a lot in that part of my life. My marriage to Murray goes from strength to strength, I feel a deep love for him that I previously couldn't imagine. While we have our spats, we haven't had any major fights or arguments. Murray's parents and I have gotten along quite well over the year, I organise my mother-in-law's 50th birthday and I feel like we have a clear understanding between us about where we stand, which is a positive step. Financially, we have our house, our cars, beautiful furniture that we worked hard to pay for, and are doing reasonably well, even with the latest interest rate rises. I have managed to lose 15 kilos over the past six months, which has helped my self-esteem no end in addition to the obvious physical benefits.

Yet despite all of these things, my infertility rises to the top as the one thing that makes me feel out of control.

I have moved sideways to a different job within the same companywith less traveling so that I can be near the clinic for IVF. Murray and I have unspoken issues about our own problems, one example is that Murray has put on weight as a result of emotional eating. I am always on edge when a pregnant belly or pram goes past me. Our financial position is threatened because of the cost of IVF procedures. As it is, our savings are heavily depleted. My self-worth as a woman is lowered by my inability to carry a child. I have been through periods of depression where I could not focus on anything but my infertility, and fell into a deep hole.

Every aspect of my life has changed because of my infertility. Some days I wonder if my life will ever go back to normal.

Another one bites the dust.

Just got the phone call, another couple are having a baby. They are a lovely couple and I am really very happy for them. Just wishing it was me. Just one of those days I think.

I've been feeling off colour today and didn't go into work. It's been ridiculously hot for November, 40 degrees yesterday, apparently I have heat exhaustion even though I haven't been out of the house. Have had headaches and been horribly nauseus since I woke up. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon.

Trying to let go

I wasn't going to write about this in my blog because I didn't want to harp on about them, but it's hard to escape the fact that my brother and his partner's screwed up lives are a recurring theme in my life.

On Wednesday night I got a call from my brother asking if he could borrow some shoes. I thought it was quite strange but I brought a pair around for him. Then he proceeds to tell me how him and his friend had been 'jumped' while walking down the street. Apparently two aboriginal guys had a machete and pushed them into their car, put jumpers over their heads and took them to a local industrial park and beat the crap out of them. Then they took their shoes, wallets and phones and left them there.

Although the story is farfetched, and usually my first instinct would be that he is making it up, I believe him. His mate was at his house and it was quite obvious that it was the truth from their behaviour and emotions. I told them that they had to call the police and make a report. Of course they aren't going to do that. That would be "asking for trouble" apparently.

So while I am standing in their living room at 11 o'clock at night, trying to comprehend what has happened, Lulu sneaks out of her bedroom and starts running around. Fair enough, the house has been a bit noisy so I can understand letting her stay up for a bit. Then Alicia gives her a bag of chips for her to eat. At 11pm? Doesn't matter, step back Rebecca, you are not her mother just leave it alone.

Next Mitchell's friend asks for a drink and Alicia pulls out a bottle of Moet & Chandon that was in the fridge. Hang on, you guys don't have enough money to pay your rent every week, now you have a $100 bottle of champagne just lying around? According to Alicia, Mitchell gave it to her as a present and she was planning on drinking it this weekend. Never mind the fact that you are 22 weeks pregnant. Just deal with it Bec. You wouldn't do it but you can't control other people.

Then one of her neighbours pops by to drop off a yellow pages that she had borrowed. She stood on the verandah as she was having a cigarette but Mitchell told her to come inside. She asked if he was sure to which he replied "Yeah, we smoke in here all the time". I started having a go at Mitchell for ruining the house with smoke and he points the finger at Alicia saying "well she smokes inside too!". WHAT!!!!! She swore black and blue that she isn't smoking anymore. She is 22 weeks pregnant!!!!!!!!! I didn't say a word and just left. I couldn't handle being in the presence of someone who so clearly does not care about her unborn child.

They are having a baby girl. A little girl who will no doubt be gorgeous and bubbly and full of life. A little girl who deserves to have the best in life. A little girl that I would give anything in this world to have in my arms.

How do people do this?

IVM

We have decided to begin this new treatment next year called IVM or In Vitro Maturation. The idea behind IVM is that you retrieve the immature follicles at the beginning of your cycle and grow them in the lab for a couple of days, use ICSI on them and then put them back. This is a Canadian clinics website which explains a bit about IVM - http://www.mcgillivf.com/e/McGillIVF.asp?s=1012541109340DEA&page=184.186.212

We made the decision for a number of reasons.

**It is a cheaper option than IVF which allows us to do more cycles if necessary.
**It's relatively quick, no down-reg cycle taking 6 weeks and then a break in between, the whole process takes well under a month and you can start again the next cycle if you are unsuccesful.
**The embryologist at our clinic is one of the experts in the field and really knows what he is doing. Dr Junk has been in close contact with the Canadian researchers who developed this practice and he did his PhD on this topic.
**Minimal injections for me - while not a deciding factor, definitely a nice up-side!
**It's unlikely that the cycle would be cancelled, I don't think that emotionally I could handle another cancelled cycle like last time.

We have an appointment booked with Dr Junk for December 10, hopefully he can give us a bit more information about it all and then we can book in to start in January!

Oh. My. God.

Murray's parents just called to have a chat to me. They want to give us money to pay for a cycle of IVF should our next cycle not work.
I told them that it was a lovely gesture and that we appreciate it but we are fine and can do it ourselves, but they wouldn't take no as an answer.

They said that they weren't going to tell us about it unless we needed it, but after seeing me so stressed out this morning when we visited them, they wanted to let us know to help us relax and take the pressure off a bit.

I am in total shock. Murray's family are very much into helping people out where they need it and it is such an incredible gesture. They have put aside $2500 which is the out of pocket cost for two cycles, which is such a relief, it means we can try probably four or five cycles if need be. I haven't always had the greatest relationship with my in-laws, but they have really suprised me today.

FS Appointment

We had our appointment with our FS today which went well I think. Straight off the bat she said "Well that didn't go the way we planned, did it!" Probably the understatement of the century! She didn't really go into why the cycle was cancelled, just that we have to be really careful becaue of my PCOS. She gave us three options that we can try.

First Option - give IVF another go, start on a little bit higher dose (she mentioned 150iu which I thought was still quite low?) and see how we go, but be prepared for the possibility of another cancelled cycle from either under-stimulating or getting OHSS. Odds are around 50% success rate but thats if the cycle doesn't get cancelled which there is probably a fair chance of happening.

Option Two - Have Ovarian drilling done. To behonest this is the first time I have ever heard of this so am going to have to do some research and find out more about it, but I would prefer not to have an operation when it's not going to make that much of a difference.

Option Three - Try a new procedure called IVM or In Vitro Maturation. I actually read an article about this a couple of weeks back about the first British women who has given birth using this technique. It's really suited towards PCOS sufferers, and it just so happens that our scientific director did his PhD on the subject and is the Australian expert in the field. Apparently Canada is the world leader and he has been liasing with them for a while, so far four women have had babies from this treatment at our clinic, which is a success rate of around 25%. But definitely no cancelled cycles with this treatment which is great! The cost is the same as IVF.

I'm feeling a little confused by all the options, am off to do some more research on it all!

Friendships through IVF

I don't have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have I am incredibly close to. One of my best girlfriends has become quite distant from me since we started doing IVF which has upset me a bit. She is a wonderful person and I don't think it's deliberate but I just don't know.

I totally understand that she has a ridiculously busy life, but it just feels like she doesn't have time for me anymore. Maybe it has nothing to do with IVF, maybe it's her job or something else, but it's another one of those things where I can only see it through my 'IVF glasses' ie- everything is about IVF, that must be the reason she is avoiding me.

Babies everywhere

Went out for lunch today with Murray's family and there were babies everywhere. It was like everywhere I looked there was a pram, or kids running around with icecreams. At first I didn't let it get to me, but it wore me down so much.

The restaurant had a water fountain where you can throw coins in and make a wish. I gave my mother-in-law and sister-in-law a coin each and we all threw our coins in at the same time. My wish was the usual, that our baby isn't far away.

We are definitely restarting IVF as soon as we can. This rollercoaster is so scary sometimes, one day I'm fine with waiting a bit longer, other days it nearly kills me that it's not happening right now. Today happens to be the latter.

Blogging

I've been reading a lot of blogs about peoples journeys through infertility. It's amazing how strong some people are, to read about the ups and downs of it all. It makes me feel that little bit less alone in all of this. I’ve started a list in the sidebar of just a few of the blogs that I read. Sending out hugs all over the world to the women and men who are struggling just like me. I really am praying for a happy ending for all of you.

Blog update

When I first started this blog, I deliberately made my page quite stark to reflect my mood at the time. I've decided however that it is definitely past time for a makeover, hence the new look.

Time for bed now methinks...

Grumpy Bec

Wish AF would bugger off already. I'm feeling really tired and cramps haven't let up at all, but emotionally am doing a bit better today.

I saw my friend Fiona's baby Mia today which was good therapy. I'll admit to being a little worried heading over there this morning to see her, but after getting to hug Mia and carry her around for a bit, it was actually kinda therapeutic if that makes sense?

I'm finding it harder and harder to be around my niece and nephew though. Alicia's pregnant belly is more obvious by the day, they constantly talk about baby names, and their parenting skills are so shocking that I just want to pick the kids up and run away with them. I feel like a parrot, saying the same thing over and over again, but nothings going to change, not for a long time at this rate, so I just need to learn to protect myself from it. I can't do that by not seeing them, so I need to come up with a different coping mechanism. Maybe I can take the kids out by themselves to places. Hmmm...

We have our FS appointment on Monday to go over what happened last cycle and what we will different next time. I'm quite nervous because I know that I need to be firm and tell them how I'm feeling, and I'm not sure if I can do that. It's really strange because most people think I'm a really tough and strong person, but when it come to confrontations with people, I fall to pieces. Something else that I really need to work on.

The witch

AF arrived this morning and I feel like crap.
Am at my desk with a heat pack, trying not to get emotional or think about it too much.
Most of the girls at work are going out for drinks tonight after work. I think I might join them and drown my sorrows.

The rollercoaster continues

Got the call from the clinic today to say that the blood test shows I'm about to get my period. Have felt crampy all day so no big suprise but it's still rough. Glad it's nearly the weekend and I can curl up in bed for a bit.