My dear Mum

I called the clinic this afternoon to ask them what I should do and ask what they thought might be going on. The nurse says that even though they saw the follicle at the time, its possible that this will be an anovulatory cycle. Fcuk! Went and had a bloodtest done after work in which they only tested for ovulation but no pregnancy test, I guess that's their way of saying 'no chance'. Feeling really lethargic, bloated and crappy. I have never been one to obsess over my symptoms or think 'am I or aren't I?' but I'm really obsessing this month.

While I was doing IVF, I was so focused on being positive and believing that it would work etc that I was able to deal with all the blood tests, injections and the whole process without really taking it in too much. Now looking back on the mood swings and what's involved in it all, I realise that it was actually a very difficult thing to do, and I'm not sure if I want to jump back into that straight away. That doesn't mean I don't want a baby now, and it doesn't mean I'm not going to do IVF, but it's not just an automatic 'Yes, we'll do it next month, and the next month and the next'. I may need to take breaks if we are unsuccessful. But of course we are going to be successful...right?!

I had a lovely call from my Mum on the way home from work asking me what the difference between a follicle and an egg was. I explained it to her and she then offered that should we need it, that we can have her eggs. She has had a hysterectomy but her ovaries are still in tact and working fine. I didn't have the heart to tell her about age and eggs etc, but I was still really touched by it. My Mum isn't the most touchy-feely person, so it was quite personal and meaningful for her to offer that up.

Nothing

Still no AF or BFP, not that I really expect the latter. This is doing my head in, I want to go and get a blood test done to actually check I have ovulated, or at least call the clinic and ask them but I don't want them to get my hopes up. Going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a journey

I've decided to start a new blog for my general life stuff to try and keep this blog strictly for my infertility journey. Obviously there is cross-over at times, actually a lot of the time, but I would hate for someone to visit my IF page and see pictures of my niece or nephew and for that to hurt them. I know how much that can hurt me when I'm fragile, so this blog is going to be dedicated to my infertility journey.

For those that are interested, my general blog is at http://the-infamous-bec.blogspot.com/

BFN

Tested this morning and got a BFN. Great.
Am still ridiculously tired from Sunday night but off to the counsellor I go...

Very sleepy

Am finally off to bed, had a nightmare of a day yesterday. As I've mentioned previously, my Mum was involved in a car accident a couple of weeks back and has been in a fair amount of pain since (mainly muscular in her back) . On Friday night she tried to wash her hair, started to feel dizzy and fell over hurting herself even more. Since then she started getting nauseous and had a permanent migraine. I only got a phone call at Sunday lunch time from her partner's sister who had been looking after her. When I arrived she was shaking, couldnt eat, drink, walk or hold a conversation and was vomiting every half an hour.
I managed to get her to the emergency room around 8pm (she's one of these people who is convinced she is okay and doesnt need help - grrr!). No beds were available so she had to lie on the ground covered in a blanket that I brought with me as she can't sit up for long periods of time since the accident. Thank goodness she was able to get in within an hour. The Dr's put her on a drip and a heap of drugs and we eventually left the hospital at around 4am but she was still feeling crappy. Put her to bed and thank goodness this morning she was feeling a bit better. Still has bad muscular pain but the head was down to a 'dull roar' - her words.

I know I have used this blog previously to vent about the emergency department and unfortunately yesterday's experience hasn't changed my mind. The Dr's wouldn't say a thing to me even though my mum was completely out of it, I was only allowed to see her for 2 minutes and then told to go back in the waiting room even though [1] I am her next of kin [2] I wasnt in anyones way [3] it wasnt busy and [4] last time I was allowed to stay for a lot longer! Evil triage nurse!!!

The main thing is she is doing better which Im very happy about. It was really horrible to watch her curled up into the feotal position rocking back and forth.


In other news, AF hasn't arrived yet which is doing my head in. Will temp tomorrow and depending on that, I might test...
I have a counselling session at the clinic tomorrow so might mention it to them and get them to do a BT & also check progestrone levels.

Hope is a bad thing

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up here. My temperature went up again this morning but I can't bring myself to test for fear of disappointment. I need to try and get it out of my head.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/BecDChart

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!

My nephews first birthday

It was my nephew Jordan's first birthday party today. It was meant to be a party at the zoo but bad weather meant that we had to relocate to Alicia's sisters house. It was pretty hard to be there but I really wanted to do the right thing by the kids so I played all the games and got involved. My father and his girlfriend were there also which added to the tensions. Got teary half way through and had to excuse myself but on the whole I think I did really well to get through the morning. I think the hardest thing was that Alicia has now popped out and everyone was obviously talking about them finding out it was a girl. I really hope they don't choose our baby name (It has been suggested before... not happy Jan!)

Anyway, some pics of the big day!

The birthday boy!

The zoo-themed cake

Maybe, maybe not

I have just realised that today I am somewhere between 12 & 16DPO.

Our IVF cycle was cancelled on CD17 as I was ready to ovulate (from memory a 16mm egg?) and I was told ovulation would happen within a day or two. I am now at CD34 with no symptoms and no AF.

I don't test anymore because I know I'm not pregnant, I've come to terms with the fact that we need assistance and that it's not going to happen naturally.

I feel apprehensive and nervous, but okay. Will have to see how this plays out.

It's a girl

God this is hard :-(

Anticipation

Am having a weird day today. After feeling horrible yesterday, I am just drained and waiting for the next bit of news that I know will screw me up.

My brothers gf has her ultrasound today and they will find out the gender of the baby. I know no matter if its a girl or boy that it will be enough to tip me over the edge. I am trying to prepare myself in anticipation of the news but it's not easy. Up until this point I have been able to ignore the fact that she is pregnant by keeping my distance, making visits very short, no baby talk and definitely not looking at her swollen belly. But this makes it real. It's no longer something I can ignore, it will be another little neice or nephew.

I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't let me feelings for them or their situation interfere with my relationship with the kids - I won't let them suffer just because they have shit-for-brains parents. I know I should distance myself from them, self-preservation and all that, but I just can't, its not in my nature to abandon.

It's Alicia's birthday tomorrow and Jordan's 1st birthday on Sunday. We are having a zoo party tomorrow to celebrate. I have organised the birthday cake, I have made the goody bags, I have organised passes for people to get in cheaper. What I would give to be able to be doing this for my own child.

I rang Alicia last night to ask what she wanted for her birthday and she wanted a maternity top as she cant afford to buy clothes at the moment. I thought fine, easy enough and its practical. How stupid was I. Of course that meant looking at all the maternity tops that I cant wear, that I may never wear. I went into Pumpkin Patch for their maternity clothes on sale, only to be confronted with the most gorgeous baby socks and gloves that you will ever see. At one point I may have bought them and put them in my baby cupboard. Now it just makes me sad.

Yes I know, this has turned into another woe-is-me post, but at least I'm writing it here, acknowledging that I feel like this, and hopefully this will allow me to have a somewhat less agonising afternoon. Then again, maybe not.

Angry and upset

How the f*** can someone say that karma is the reason I am infertile!!!!!

I am so angry and upset, I can barely speak.

Doing well

I've been feeling quite good the past couple of days. We had a nice weekend, went out for dinner in Northbridge on Saturday night and did the lawnmowing and homebody stuff on Sunday. Also went to a Wildcats (basketball) game Sunday night. Even though we still have the IVF stuff hanging over us, I feel like the sun has finally come out. Emotionally I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Hopefully this frame of mind stays

We are refinancing our house this month to pay for IVF/baby costs for next year. We didn't want to have to do it but we really can't afford further treatment without it. It will put more pressure on us in terms of repayments, but it's worth it.

We had some great news today. Murray has been offered a job at a school down the road from our home. He went for an interview a month or so back and was unsuccesful, but another position has become available and they rang and offered it to him! He also had another job interview today at a very prestigious school. He is going to contact them tomorrow to get an idea of how his interview went and if he has a chance, otherwise he will take this position. The school is only five minutes down the road and will be perfect for when we have kids. It is attached to the primary school that we want to send our children to :) Life is looking up.

Decision made

Murray and I had a good talk this afternoon. After my post this morning I had a really tiring day and was in a shitty mood when I got home. I couldn't figure out what it was that was bothering me but we ended up talking about IVF and finally came to the decision that we are just going to have to spend the money and start IVF in January. It will cost an extra $2300 more than if we waited until May for our PHI to kick in but for my sanity it is money well spent. Instantly my mood lifted and I felt better. I think we have made the right decision.

My beautiful neighbour brought me around a huge arrangement of flowers last night. They are so gorgeous, it made me cry. It's so nice to have friends who really 'get' me and what I'm dealing with.

Reality

Am struglling to deal with the fact that we wont be able to start IVF again until May. Financially we have to wait, we just don't have the kind of money to try forever and while we can afford to do a cycle in January, if it didn't work we wouldn't have any money left over for another cycle, whereas if we wait until May we can afford to attempt a couple of cycles at least. I was willing to spend that money this cycle, but once I realised how fickle this whole process is, I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket.

Now I just have to figure out how to not go crazy in the seven month wait. I don't know if that's even possible...

Latest ramblings

I had a much better day today. Did my personal training session this morning and really worked hard at it. I figure if I can't do IVF until January then I have to use this time as best I can to work on my weight and general health. To make myself accountable for my goals, I'm going to write them down here. Here goes...

1. Go to the gym three times a week as a minimum

2. Take my mulitvitamin tablets everyday

3. Get under 100kg by the end of the year

4. Stop being a scaredy cat and get your fillings done!

That will do for the moment, although I might add more as I go along.

I also went to my gorgeous niece Taloola's birthday today. She turned three and we had a little get together with fairy bread and lots of present opening. I thought it would be really hard being around the kids and Alicia as she is 4 months pregnant, but I thought I coped pretty well. Here's a pic of the beautiful birthday girl riding on her present from Auntie Becca!

Stuff

My head is running a million miles an hour so I thought I'd try and just write everything down and get it all out of my head.

I'm swinging between depression and being okay. It's not even an hourly thing, it's minute by minute. My beautiful friends have helped me so much and have kept me going to this point, but I just feel so confused in myself.

Went and saw my GP this morning who wrote me a medical certificate for today and tomorrow. He gave me a long talk about not falling into a depressed state, and recommended that I get out of the house and go shopping and see a movie etc. So Murray and I went out and had lunch at our favourite restaurant, did a spot of shopping, and I tried so hard to be happy and get past everything, and act like this was only a small setback.

But for me it's not. It has broken my heart. Everyone told me to be positive about this cycle, so I really was. I believed 100% in my heart that this was it. It was going to happen. I would be pregnant, we would be 12 weeks pregnant at christmas time and be able to announce it to everyone, ffs I even went and bought those DIY bonbons so I could put little announcements in each one. I allowed myself to get excited and then this happens. It was always going to happen, I knew it from the beginning, everytime I get my hopes up they get smashed to pieces.

Am very upset with my clinic for not warning me that this was a possibility. I knew about OHSS, or none of the eggs fertilising and maybe getting a BFN at the end of the cycle, but never under responding and having my cycle cancelled. I haven't had any contact with my fertility specialist since August and I feel very disconnected from the decision making process. Plus it is expensive. I rang Concept Fertility this afternoon and they are sending out a information pack with prices etc. I don't really know how the process works with changing clinics, but we would be aiming at starting IVF again in January/February.

After this post I am going to stop wallowing in self-pity. I am going to be proactive and find out what is the best option for us in terms of staying where we are or changing to a new clinic etc.
I am going to the gym tomorrow morning. I will prepare a healthy dinner and I will call my friends and speak to them without crying. This will become just another blip on the radar and in a few weeks or months or even years when we have our baby, I will be able to look back and say this happened for a reason. Right now I don't know what the reason is but there must be a reason.

I will be okay.

An explanation

Have spent the last couple of hours floating between crying and getting angry. Have settled on sad but stable at the moment.

Had my blood test and ultrasound this morning. Blood test first which hurt like hell as usual but I coped with it. Then the ultrasound. I've been worrying about the ultrasound as I know last time none of my follicles have grown. She measured the endo lining first and it was at 9.6 which she said meant that something was happening. My left ovary showed no movement from last time, but when she looked at my right ovary she seemed quite happy as there was one follicle at 15mm. Unfortunately it was the only follicle on that side that had done anything. The nurse appeared to suggest that with more time the others would catch up, so I left my appointment a little concerned but thinking that everything would be okay.

The clinic called me at 4.45pm with the news that they would be cancelling my cycle, as I am ready to ovulate and there is no point in retrieving just the one follicle. The nurse booked me in with my FS Dr Yeap for 5th November to review this cycle. She advised that we have intercourse this weekend 'just in case' as it looks like I will ovulate very shortly.

I just burst into tears, I couldn't help it. I was at work at the time so I hid under my desk and just cried my eyes out. One of my workmates came past my desk and saw me and helped me get my stuff together to go home. I managed to hold it together until I got home and then I just broke down. Telling Murray what had happened was so hard. He ended up in tears as well and we just hugged each other for ages. To make things worse my boss called me at home, my workmate told her that he had seen me crying and she asked me if it was IVF related and I said yes. Then she started asking all of these invasive questions about what I had been doing and why was I crying etc, when I told her it was a cancelled cycle she pretty much said 'Oh, I thought it was BFN or something, that's not so bad afterall' and started going on about how I have plenty of time and my biological clock isn't ticking and she will see me at work tomorrow. Fucking bitch. I'm not going back to work for the rest of the week. I couldn't stand to be around her right now, I would do something I might regret.

I think the hardest part of this is that it's so unexpected. We were never told that this was an option. I knew that at the end of the cycle we might get a negative result, and I knew about OHSS, but to cancel a cycle because I haven't responded just wasn't in the equation, so how could I prepare for it?

So what next? We have to have a cycle break apparently, FS appointment on 5th November and we will decide what protocol to use for next time. If we start in December we don't get any benefit from the Medicare Safety net which financially we really need to take advantage of. In January we have a holiday already booked and paid for so unless the dates work around that, we can't start then. So that means the earliest we can realistically start is February. PHI kicks in in May so it would makes good financial sense to wait until then. None of these options make me happy. Am so upset and angry and then more upset again.

We are seriously considering moving to Dubai next year. It means that IVF is off the cards for a while (not sure if they do it over there) but I need to get out of where I am. I can't handle doing what I'm doing, and I know I will never leave my job while I'm here in Perth with our mortgage and current situation. I want a baby more than anything in this world, I would give it all up in a second for a child, but it just seems so out of reach right now.

Devastated

I feel like my world has collapsed. Our IVF cycle has been cancelled. I can't even talk about it without falling to pieces. Will post details later.

Why is the world so cruel?

Nervous

Am very nervous about tomorrow morning, am praying that my follicles have started growing. I feel like I've been on this rollercoaster for so long now. I know logically it hasn't been that long but I'm really tired of it all. Hopefully there will be good news tomorrow.

And... WHY CAN'T I SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My baby brother

I just got a picture sms from my 17 year old brother Daniel who has just joined the army. He is currently at the recruit base in Kapooka, near Toowoomba.

How gorgeous is he!

What a weekend...

I am absolutely exhausted. I've only just gotten home and I feel like a total wreck.
My Mum was involved in a car accident yesterday afternoon. She was stopped at a traffic light and this car came up and didn't even attempt to stop and slammed into the back of her, pushing her into the car in front of her. She ended up going in the ambulance with the lady from the car that hit her to hospital to be checked out. I was so scared for her. Ended up waiting in the Emergency waiting room for several hours while they checked her out. She is fine thank goodness, looks like she has a bit of whiplash and general aches and pains in her back, but other than that she is okay. Her car is a write-off though, we had to go to the towing yard today to get all of her work stuff out of the car. Thankfully insurance will cover it all.
I am just so grateful that she is okay. I don't know what I would do without her.

On the IVF front, I'm doing okay, very emotional, headachey and exhausted but okay. I really, My injection this morning REALLY hurt, more than all of the rest of them put together. Oh my god, and my skin is soooooo bad! Usually I get a couple of pimple's here and there but I have about 10 huge ones all over my chin- I look like a monster!!!

Really don't want to go back to work tomorrow, but I know that I have to. Hopefully noone pisses me off, unless they want me to bite their head off.

Another not very inventive title...

I've decided that I'm not a particuarly good writer. I always harboured dreams of writing a book one day, specifically about infertility. After reading through the last couple of pages of my blog, I think I need to give up that dream!

Had another blood test and ultrasound today. Ultrasound shows 14 follicles, with the biggest only at 8mm. Am upping my gonal-f to 112.5 daily from now on. The stupid nurse only gave me a 450 pen instead of a 900 like last time, so its only going to last me until Wednesday, and then I have to go in for another bt & ultrasound.

Ive had a lovely day, breakfast at Kailis Bros, then a massage and pedicure at a day spa (A bday present from my best friend Rach) and then an acupuncture session. Despite all this I feel angry and frustrated. Stupid hormones. Stupid world.

Latest results

Had another blood test this morning, I was quite apprehensive but the nurse was lovely and managed to score two vials of blood with barely an 'Ouch'. The clinic called this afternoon and they want me to continue on with my current injection dose, and come in on Friday for a blood test and ultrasound. I assume that means that my body is finally reacting to the gonal-f, not that they have said that... I wish people would actually say what is going on. I guess it's my fault for not asking as well. Will definitely have to ask more questions when I go in on Friday.

We had a lovely day today, went and saw the 'Egyptian antiquities from the Louvre' at the Perth Art Gallery, not something we would usually do but it was really fascinating. Just had a yummy bowl of fat-free sorbet, and fresh strawberries & pineapple.

Feeling emotional

I'm on the verge of tears and I don't know why. I know logically that it's probably just the hormones effect on me but I feel like a different person all the time, one minute I'm happy and fine, an hour later I'm wanting to crawl into bed and never wake up. Grrrr...

Murray has been applying for jobs and there was one we were really hoping for, but he got a letter today saying he had been unsuccessful. He is so upset about it and I feel so helpless. I've tried to comfort him and take his mind off things but there's only so much I can do.

Murray really wants us to get out of Perth and live/work somewhere else for a bit. He wants either Melbourne, Dubai or the UK. I've said I will do it if it's right for us. Originally we were thinking of doing it for 2009 but now he is talking about going next year. I'm very conflicted about it all. I love my job a lot and have some really great career opportunities over the coming years, but if I'm going to take time off to have a baby anyway, that's not a major factor. I love being close to my Mum but she could take off at any minute anyway. I love Perth but it is so expensive to live here now, it's hard to make our mortgage payments and it's not going to get any easier once I'm on maternity leave or if I wanted to work part-time. I don't want to give birth overseas, and I wouldn't do fertility treatment elsewhere. I'm feeling very conflicted by everything. It's starting to become a trend :-(

Off to have a good cry.

Long weekend

Well it's the Queens birthday public holiday today, and like any other self-respecting couple we ended up where everyone else does when all other stores are closed - Bunnings! Had a bit of a browse and bought some weed-killer as our garden looks absolutely shocking! We had planned to do it together until I released that the clinic warned against any use of chemicals. Oh well.

I have this week and next Monday off work which I'm so glad I planned because I can barely concentrate on what's in front of me, let alone having to deal with people at work. Am going to take it very easy over the next week, going to the gym when I feel like it, a bit of cleaning here and there, doing the grocery shopping tomorrow. We are even thinking of going to visit an Egyptian display at the art gallery in the city. Maybe catch up with a couple of girlfriends that I don't get to see enough (Fee & Amanda - that's you!)

Off to try and do other normal things and attempt to take my mind off the ever present IVF thoughts.