An explanation

Have spent the last couple of hours floating between crying and getting angry. Have settled on sad but stable at the moment.

Had my blood test and ultrasound this morning. Blood test first which hurt like hell as usual but I coped with it. Then the ultrasound. I've been worrying about the ultrasound as I know last time none of my follicles have grown. She measured the endo lining first and it was at 9.6 which she said meant that something was happening. My left ovary showed no movement from last time, but when she looked at my right ovary she seemed quite happy as there was one follicle at 15mm. Unfortunately it was the only follicle on that side that had done anything. The nurse appeared to suggest that with more time the others would catch up, so I left my appointment a little concerned but thinking that everything would be okay.

The clinic called me at 4.45pm with the news that they would be cancelling my cycle, as I am ready to ovulate and there is no point in retrieving just the one follicle. The nurse booked me in with my FS Dr Yeap for 5th November to review this cycle. She advised that we have intercourse this weekend 'just in case' as it looks like I will ovulate very shortly.

I just burst into tears, I couldn't help it. I was at work at the time so I hid under my desk and just cried my eyes out. One of my workmates came past my desk and saw me and helped me get my stuff together to go home. I managed to hold it together until I got home and then I just broke down. Telling Murray what had happened was so hard. He ended up in tears as well and we just hugged each other for ages. To make things worse my boss called me at home, my workmate told her that he had seen me crying and she asked me if it was IVF related and I said yes. Then she started asking all of these invasive questions about what I had been doing and why was I crying etc, when I told her it was a cancelled cycle she pretty much said 'Oh, I thought it was BFN or something, that's not so bad afterall' and started going on about how I have plenty of time and my biological clock isn't ticking and she will see me at work tomorrow. Fucking bitch. I'm not going back to work for the rest of the week. I couldn't stand to be around her right now, I would do something I might regret.

I think the hardest part of this is that it's so unexpected. We were never told that this was an option. I knew that at the end of the cycle we might get a negative result, and I knew about OHSS, but to cancel a cycle because I haven't responded just wasn't in the equation, so how could I prepare for it?

So what next? We have to have a cycle break apparently, FS appointment on 5th November and we will decide what protocol to use for next time. If we start in December we don't get any benefit from the Medicare Safety net which financially we really need to take advantage of. In January we have a holiday already booked and paid for so unless the dates work around that, we can't start then. So that means the earliest we can realistically start is February. PHI kicks in in May so it would makes good financial sense to wait until then. None of these options make me happy. Am so upset and angry and then more upset again.

We are seriously considering moving to Dubai next year. It means that IVF is off the cards for a while (not sure if they do it over there) but I need to get out of where I am. I can't handle doing what I'm doing, and I know I will never leave my job while I'm here in Perth with our mortgage and current situation. I want a baby more than anything in this world, I would give it all up in a second for a child, but it just seems so out of reach right now.