My forever angel Vanilla

You came to us with such joy after a long journey. From the beginning we loved you. We will always remember you.

Tears for my lost baby

I keep breaking down into tears. All it takes is a split second thought and I start crying. Every time I look at Murray, I think about the baby we were going to have together. And now we aren't. Everyone keeps saying that 'at least we know we can get pregnant'. That's cold comfort right now. And there is no guarantee we will get pregnant again. This was our 5th transfer from 8 cycles. How do we know that it wont take another 8 cycles for me to fall? And if I lose it again? Why would I want to put myself through that again. Another loss would almost make it not worth having a child. It just hurts too much.

D&C

I spent most of today in hospital. We decided that we would go ahead with a d&c so that they could test the 'products of conception' to find out what went wrong. Once we made that decision, I just wanted to get it done as soon as possible, which is how I found myself at admissions at 9am this morning.

Mike, my obs, was lovely, so caring and compassionate. He came and saw me before the procedure for 5 minutes to talk about how I was feeling and what would happen. My Mum came along with me for the day as Murray couldn't really afford to take any more time off of work. Unfortunately the overflow of the day surgery patients are put in the same ward as the maternity patients, so I got to listen to babies crying while I got dressed, ready to have my baby taken away from me. Thank God my Mum was with me, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. I remember waking up in recovery and just crying my eyes out.

I am still bleeding heavily, and was told to expect to bleed for a week or two. I also have to organise a follow up appointment with Mike for 4-6 weeks time. I have asked him if I am able to swap to have him as my fertility specialist as well, as he works for the same clinic as my FS, and he said that would be absolutely fine. I just need a new referral.

I feel very lost. I don't want to do IVF again. But I have to. I don't want to do anything every again. Work. Fun, Seeing people. Eating. It is all too hard. But I have to. Because that's what I do.

It's over

This is not a viable pregnancy. The sac only measured 6 weeks, there was no sign of a baby or a heartbeat. I have been given the option to miscarry naturally or have a d&c. I have no preference for either.

I don't know how to feel. I have cried but only superficially. I feel numb. I have moments of extreme sadness yet I stop them as soon as they start, for I am too scared to deal with the pain it brings. I almost feel like it is happening to someone else. Surely it's not happening to me? I am pregnant remember? I've put on weight, my breasts are sore, I have bonded with my baby in utero. Surely it is all but a dream and I will wake up with a baby in my arms.

No news is.. well no news

Feeling very un-pregnant like. My fatigue has disappeared and I don't feel fuzzy. I'm not as bloated and have no nausea. The only symptom still hanging around are my sore boobs, which even they are not as bad as they were a week ago. I feel like it is over. I know I should be staying positive, that's what everyone is telling me anyway. But last night all I could think about was contingency plans - when we could fit another cycle in, how much money we can spend and if we should go on the adoption waiting list.

Emotionally I am blank. Just a big fat blank. I'm scared but I cant let myself be consumed by that because I don't want to get depressed again. I'm tired of sinking into that dark hole over and over again. So for now I am feeling nothing. Not thinking of the baby, whenever that is actually possible, not thinking of the scan or beta numbers. Just getting through each hour of each day until Monday.

Yet after saying all of that, I want this so badly... I just have to turn myself off, otherwise the emotion is too strong.

4280

My hcg levels are 4280. So they are doing something, but still not at a great rate. We wont really know much more until the scan on Monday. I've heard that you wont usually get a heartbeat until the hcg levels are over 6000iu so I am praying that it is okay.

I rang up and complained about the attitude of one of the nurses today. I had a phone message to give the clinic a call, and Linda answered. She gave me my results and was so gloom and doom about the whole thing. When I questioned whether my number was okay, she said to me that the numbers were giving me 'false hope' and implied that it was already over with. I was so upset, I got off the phone and sulked for a bit, but then decided I need to call back and speak to a different nurse.

The other lady was lovely and said that there was no way for us to know what was going to happen, and that yes - ideally my numbers would be a lot higher but it can still happen. She then told me that she had an ultrasound with her second child with no heartbeat, and they scheduled a d&c, then just before she had it she had a second ultrasound and there was one, and she now has a 5 year old! I told her the things that Linda had been saying and she agreed that it wasn't what I needed to be hearing. I left it at that as I don't feel a formal complaint would help me at this point.

I am keeping my appointment with my obstetrician on Monday. He is going to do a scan first thing to check on growth, and then we will go from there.

Not the best of news

There was no heartbeat. There is a sac and what looks like it could be the beginning of a fetal pole, but it's still small. And no heartbeat. Our doctor has said not to give up hope, and it could just be too earlier, considering how low my beta numbers have been, but I'm not so sure.

After my doctor did the scan, a nurse came in to take a photocopy of my records to take to the doctor, but she was so negative in her attitude, almost pitiful towards us but not compassionate if that makes sense. She was talking like it was already over? In the end she said that she would wait until tomorrow before she would decide whether to forward my file on to the OBs. We left the clinic upset that we hadn't heard a heartbeat and that we could lose this precious life inside of me, yet all I could think about was that this woman who was meant to support us had already decided that it was over and done with.

I have a blood test tomorrow morning which will tell us whether or not my hcg levels are rising still, and then my first obstetrician appointment on Monday. The OBs is also a fertility specialist at my clinic, so my dr is going to talk to him and we will do a scan first thing at the appointment to figure out whether the sac has grown or not.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should remain hopeful that maybe it is still too early, and that my levels will keep rising, or if this is it.

Google Analytics

I have had Google Analytics hooked up on my computer for a while now, mainly because I get a thrill looking at the map of the world and seeing where all my lovely visitors are coming from. (My most regular visitors appear to be from Abbotsford, New York, Austin & Etobicoke!)

I was flicking through the report when I saw that the number of people who have searched for something and come to my blog is huge! Besides the standard IVM, IVF, Will my embryos grow to blastocyst questions, there were some really strange things that people have somehow searched for and I have come up in the search results!

My favourites from today...

• crazyasi.alady
• my do.ctor rectally
• acupuncture m.ain point for drowning
• barbie is pr.egnant
• can bik.ing make you infertile
• crazy lady dancing on tables
• fulltim.efuck
• gym cra.zy society
• old crazy lady at chu.rch driving me crazy
• what kin.d of birds are pessaries
• www.slimnow.belly machine.com
• injec.tion of therapeutic substance into the eye

(Note the punctuation in the search terms- believe me, I am not trying to attract these searches!)

What things have people searched for to get to your blog???

First belly shot

I decided to get my butt into gear and take a sort-of before photo of my belly, before I turn into a massive blob. So here is me at 7 weeks pregnant. I'm a size 18 (14 US) normally so I'm aiming not to put on too much weight. Although in saying that, I have already put on three kilos since the beginning of the FET cycle, mainly from lack of exercise and my hopeless junk food addiction.

Hopefully I will have lots more of these photos to come.

7 weeks pregnant

First ultrasound on Monday... I feel so nervous but quietly confident.

Newspaper article

The Budget

The 08/09 budget has been announced, and unfortunately IVF rebates will be capped. Not only that, obstetrics rebates will also be capped. I am lucky that these don't kick until 2010, but I feel really sorry for those people who need IVF treatment in the future. I feel sick that I voted for this government.

The Government will introduce a cap on Medicare benefits payable under the
Extended Medicare Safety Net for a range of items with excessive fees, including
to all assisted reproductive technology items and items for treatment of
varicose veins, the injection of a therapeutic substance into the eye, hair
transplants and a cataract surgery item. The caps will take effect from
1 January 2010.

In 2008, expenditure on the Extended Medicare Safety Net was $414.1 million, an increase of 29.7 per cent from the previous year. The items to be capped accounted for around 28 per cent of all expenditure on the Extended Medicare Safety Net in 2008 and the expenditure on these items has grown at an average rate of approximately 50 per cent per year for the past two years.

There is evidence that the Extended Medicare Safety Net has enabled some doctors to charge excessive fees resulting in windfalls being paid by taxpayers through Medicare. (How about the improvements in technology in that time, surely that is a contributing factor also!) The cap will encourage patients whose doctors charge excessive fees to seek other providers who charge more reasonable fees. (We only have a couple of clinics as it is! There isnt any choice!) The Extended Medicare Safety Net was introduced in the 2003‑04 Budget.
This measure will provide savings of $257.9 million over four years.

1700

My bHCG levels are at 1700. Still pregnant, but my clinic I am happy with that. I get the feeling sometimes that they don't want to say anything positive, just in case things dont turn out well, but come on! You need to give me something to work with here! As far as I'm concerned, 388 to 1700 in a week is good. Of course I would have loved for it to miraculously become 5000 but it didn't happen.

The nurse said that we wont really know what is happening intil we have an ultrasound, so I am booked in for Monday 1.45pm to hopefully see our little baby.

Trying to not run out and buy more baby stuff. Stay calm Rebecca...

6 weeks + 3 days

I am 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I really am pregnant. I know this might sound repetitive and monotonous, but I am just so grateful for every morning that I wake up and know that I have a baby growing inside of me, and everynight where I fall asleep dreaming of rocking my child to sleep. While physically straining, these last few weeks have been the happiest of my life.

I had some spotting while at work today. It was dark and old blood, but it was enough to make my heart race a little faster, and to call the clinic. They asked if I had done anything different over the weekend, and of course I had been playing Wii Fit and had also gone to the gym for some light exercise, for the first time since I fell pregnant. They have now asked me to take it easy and definitely no going to the gym for the time being, probably until I am at least 12 weeks pregnant. So there goes the idea of starting yoga classes this week, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

My next blood test is tomorrow morning. I don't like setting goals for hcg numbers, but obviously the beta needs to be in the thousands. Hopefully if the hcg levels are high enough we can go in for an ultrasound and fingers crossed see our babys heartbeat!

My prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, I give you praise today and forevermore.
Father, I come to you in Jesus' name to ask you to protect and bless the baby in my womb.
I thank you, for every good and perfect gift comes from you.
I am so happy that I am pregnant and that you have blessed us with a baby.
Lord you said all that you create or created is good (Genesis 1: 25).
I thank you, Father, that the baby growing in side of me is your creation.
All your works are perfect, for every good and perfect gift comes from you (James 1:17).
I thank you for this perfect child.
In your name I pray. Amen.

Interview time

I was approached several weeks ago by ACCESS, Australia's IVF support group, to do an interview with a local newspaper on IVF and how we would be impacted if their were cuts to IVF funding in this years federal budget. I've already sent letters to all my local members of parliament, with very little response, so I felt like this could be a good way to get the message across. Of course this was all before I fell pregnant!

So today I was interview over the phone by the Medical Writer for 'The West Australian', and a photographer is coming out shortly to take a photograph to accompany the article. They have agreed to not mention the pregnancy according to my wishes. I just wouldn't feel comfortable this early telling the whole world that I am pregnant - in particular having my workplace know about it.

I'm quite nervous that every man and his dog will know that I have done IVF, but if it helps with the campaign to stop cuts to IVF funding then I am all for it.

I am pregnant

I still can't really believe it. But I am honest-to-goodness pregnant. Beta today was 388. I vomited next to the blood test lady. But I am pregnant.

Oh how good it feels to say those words.

Nervous and panicky

Thank you to those who left comments on my last post. I guess I was trying to make myself believe that I could still be okay if I miscarried, but deep in my heart I know that it wont be. I keep trying to think positive, and everyone has been just wonderful with stories of low betas that turned into successful pregnancies, but when it's you going through it, it is just so scary. I don't want to lose this baby.

I have just come home from work early under the pretense of a headache, when I was actually getting quite panicked and anxious. I've only had a couple of anxiety attacks in my life, but the feeling of dread and agitation is so awful, I couldn't deal with being around other people. I came straight home and am now starting to feel a bit better.

The next beta is tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I keep trying to prepare myself, to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I'm swinging back every moment between euphoria and angst.

God, please let it be in your plans for us to have this child.

Why hide miscarriage?

For the moment I am still pregnant so I am going to remain positive. But in my travels today I came across this article which resonated with me, and I thought it worth sharing. I'd love to get other peoples opinions on this.

Our waitress was all smiles as she came over to our table, tottering along with her bulging belly and overflowing bosom. She radiated the kind of glow that every skin moisturiser promises, but only pregnancy can deliver.

“How far along are you?” my husband Vijay asked.

“Six months,” she replied, beaming.

Vijay went on to share that I was also pregnant and I felt myself blush as her eyes focused on my flat stomach. I quickly let her know that I was only six weeks along and as a reply she launched into a story about baby names, and how she’d had the hardest time choosing. I felt a thrill as we shared this “pregnancy moment” and I couldn’t stop grinning all through breakfast, although I was feeling the slightest case of belly envy. I had no doubt, however, that my own pregnancy glow and baby bump were only weeks away.

My husband and I were only four weeks pregnant when we decided to start spreading the news. We were like third graders who had just been told a playground secret; we were giddy with our need to share.

“Let’s start with close family and friends,” Vijay suggested.

And so I did, first telling my mum, dad, aunts, grandparents and cousins, followed by friends from college, work and the neighbourhood. By the end of that first day, our pregnancy seemed to be making national headlines. Sure, we had heard the warnings, “Don’t tell anyone until the start of your second trimester, just to be on the safe side.” But we were two young, healthy, newlyweds; what was there to be afraid of?

Six weeks later, I miscarried. Over the course of one heart-wrenching week of cramping and bleeding, we started to accept what was happening. Our tears were endless. We felt helpless and hopeless.

At the end of the week, I had to go in for my D&C, dilation and curettage (or the painful scraping of your uterine lining, to get technical). The surgery went as well as could be expected, but as they brought me out of my anesthesia-induced haze, I cried for a half-hour straight, asking the doctor repeatedly if I’d ever be able to get pregnant again. He held my hand the entire time, until he decided to put me back under with a strong sedative and try the whole wake-up process again later. I remember none of this, and I’m shocked that the sadness so quickly sunk into my subconscious.

My first recollection following surgery was the groggy realisation that my miscarriage was official and that people would start finding out. I thought about how embarrassing it would be to tell people about our loss, and I felt a burning sense of shame. My body’s failure would be public knowledge. Slowly, though, it occurred to me that this was no more my fault than it is someone’s fault for getting breast cancer or Alzheimer’s. I couldn’t understand society’s pressure to keep this thing under wraps.

By the time I miscarried, everyone, from friends and family to our friendly waitress, knew of our pregnancy — and slowly they came to know of our loss.
I actually avoided our favorite breakfast place for a few weeks after, feigning disinterest whenever my husband suggested it. I knew that the bubbly waitress would be there waiting and wondering. My husband finally caught on and insisted I face my fear. Surprisingly, it was quite painless.

We took a seat at our normal table and she came waddling over, weeks away from her due date.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. “I am about ready to burst myself!”
I looked at her with my head held high and simply said, “I am feeling better than I was a few weeks ago when I lost the baby.”

She replied with an “I’m so sorry” and an encouraging smile, and with that I settled in to enjoy my pancakes. It turns out the anticipation was the very worst part. Surprisingly, there wasn’t a single awkward encounter as people asked about my pregnancy, only to learn of my miscarriage. They offered an endless supply of kind words and thoughtful actions. Shoulders were lent to cry on, gifts of food and flowers were offered, and stories of personal losses were shared. I felt no embarrassment, only support. I started wondering why we had been warned not to tell. Has our society become so superficial that a personal loss creates hopelessly awkward situations that should be avoided at all costs?

I often indulge in the guilty pleasure of YouTube surfing and I am always shocked to see what people are willing to share: awkward ballads belted out with no shame, dance moves that should never have seen the light of day, dirty secrets spilled for no obvious reason, other than the lure of five minutes of fame. Celebrity private lives are broadcast on a minute-to-minute basis; divorce, adultery, addiction. Nothing is off-limits, and the public is always hungry for more. In the age of Facebook and Twitter, you could get the impression that there is no such thing as a secret. Why then, is it taboo to share news of a pregnancy in its early stages? What are we so afraid of?

For us, it turned out that telling the world was the very best thing that we could have done. We had support pouring in from every direction. Best of all, I did not have to hide my sadness and pretend that nothing had happened. I was open about my joy, and found I could also be open about my grief. When we try again, you can bet the phones will start ringing the minute we conceive. As hard as it is to suffer a public loss, we all need the joy that the news of a new life brings.

Taken from babble.com.au

Bad google

Oh how I hate Google right now. I want to walk away but it is just eating away at me. I am trying to find every case on the planet of low betas turning into live babies.

The graph below doesn't help ease my mind.

But this one is going to be different... right? Off shopping with a friend, hopefully it will take my mind off things.

110!!!

My beta was 110! We are so over the moon right now.

I had really lost hope, thinking that we had no chance, but I prayed to God and he has given us a miracle.

I have another blood test on Tuesday to make sure it is still doing it's thing. The clinic said it should be around 1000 then, but by my calculation is should be 440 if it doubles every 48 hours? The nurse at the clinic has told us that we should be quietly confident about it all.

I just can not believe this is really happening to us!