I see little things everywhere and my heart is glad. The beautiful full moon a couple of nights back, being able to go fine wine shopping for Murray's birthday, putting on high heels, cuddling Charlie in bed in the morning. They may not make sense but each is a tiny piece of this puzzle of my life, and is helping me be the person I want to be.
I struggle with depression, and have done since I was a teenager. My first experience of depression was as a fifteen year old, after a boy I had a crush on and I had a physical encounter. No not sex, but touchy feely and kissing, but rumors went around school about how easy I was, and it got to the point where I went from being a solid A student, to not handing assignments in, going to bed straight after school, and just feeling like the world was out to get me. My Mumrecognised the signs at the time and forced me to get up and out of bed, and somehow it all just worked out okay. At the time I didn't know what those feelings were about.
The next bought of depression is chronicled in this blog. Probably around May 2007, when we realized that the baby thing wasn't happening, when we would have to do IVF etc. you know the story from there. It's tough to live with a monster that can rear its head at anytime. I'm grateful that I have medication that can help me live some sort of a normal life, but I do struggle with it almost every day.
I tend to "self-talk" a lot. A thought will flick into my head and I basically have a conversation with myself, usually debating some type of feeling that I'm experiencing, or what our next steps are going to be. Often is pain related- I feel sick, I don't feel well, I need to sleep, I can't do this. Usually it happens when I'm driving by myself, and I've started to try and build distractions into my drive to help avoid the pain-depression spiral I get myself in. Listening to music, imagining what I'd do if I won lotto, planning how I'm going to renovate meh kitchen all offer me refuge from the ills that sneak into my head and try and sink me lower and lower.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I guess it's trying to make people understand me better. Pain or the threat of pain stops me from doing a lot of things. A good friend had gastric banding surgery done which has been a great success for her, but I won't consider, only because I know the pain and vomiting would send me into a deep depression. Everything is just so much effort with depression.
Anyway, that's enough delving into my psyche for the moment. I really am doing okay, and just taking things one day at a time. Cliche but true.
That's how my brain works too the negative self talk I can control it now antidepressants alone never helped me consistently I can recognize the thoughts and get stuck into something else to keep my brain busy with something off topic!
ReplyDeleteone day at a time, one foot in front of another - that's the best way Bec. running won't work because it ALWAYS catches back up with you but if you walk, completely aware of it over your shoulder so you can manage it the way that works best for you, sure it may never go away but at least for the most part YOU'RE in control.
ReplyDeletemuch love my sweet, you're doing amazingly well, even on the days you think you're not.
xxx
Same here Becs. I have it in waves too. The more I am occupied and busy with new, exciting things, the more I keep those feelings at bay. hence the travelling (same with you from what I read), the plan making, the money spending on quality things, and the endless ups and downs of fertility treatments and hospital consultations are weirdly part of it as well I realised lately. Now that we are about to throw the towel into the ring (is that English? It's a dutch expression, I am Dutch), I feel depressed, because there are no real high moments waiting in that respect. No disappointments either, but now I feel chronically disappointed it seems. I talk about it with my friends, who all got children in the time we were ttc. They talk and listen, advice and do pep talks, but it doesn't really hit ground in the end: they all have kids! They can try to imagine how I feel... but they won't be able to fully do it. Noone had fertility issues, some even had abortions (cringe). One smoked during pregnancy and I had a hysterical crying fit when she was over and I caught her with a cigarette, but in the end it's not my business, and nor should it be theirs that we are so miserably failing in the reprocriation department.
ReplyDeleteI hope that by having some child to fill this gab that I feel now (and it's not the type of greedy, spoiled brad, childish gab of temporary boredom), I will feel a lot better. I have a lot of good things in my life, a great partner, great work, great place to live, greta friends and family. But the one thing I always yearned for, a baby, is missing (and good health too actually).
It helps for me to not look and compare myself too much to the people around me that seem very happy. I have some crazy failed artist friends, friends who struggle with depression at times and general uncertainty towards life and that helps me too in a weird way. My life isn;t that bad actually. Try indead to count your blessings. And accept that you have these spells, many people have them but not many will admit it. You are a very, very strong lady becs and I hope and wish all will work out some way in the end for you both, X Nat, France