Still sick

Grrr... apparently I have a chest infection. I can't believe that I am sick, I have been looking forward to these holidays for soooooo long. But instead of being out and about shopping in the sales, I am lying on my couch, watching every season of Sex and the City back to back.

I just finished watching the episode where Charlotte miscarries her much wanted baby. It was such a heartbreaking episode and I must admit I shed a few tears through it. Having not been through that experience, I don't know how I would react, but hopefully I would be able to cope with as much style as what she did. The one thing that I couldn't get out of my head though was Carrie & Harry saying "Well at least we know we can get pregnant". Cold comfort if you ask me.

As we prepare to once again begin the merry-go-round that is fertility treatment, I wonder if I would have the strength with losing the thing that I want most in the world - my baby.

Well...

My sore throat has progressed to being a fever, coughing up gunk, tiredness and an even sorer - sore throat. Just my luck. Am off to see the doctor in an hour.

Why is it that the moment you go on holidays, you get sick! Grrrrrrrr!!!

Merry Christmas

Well Christmas is over for another year. It was a really nice day, Murray and I woke up early and gave each other our presents which was really nice. I got a foot spa, a Mary J Blige CD, a cute nighty and some gym shorts, and I gave Murray a Stevie Wonder CD, hairdresser voucher, Roberto Cavalli cologne, and a sports book. I also gave him a Cleveland Cavaliers Lebron James NBA singlet which he already knew he was getting, and when we go to Melbourne in a couple of weeks, I am allowed to pick out a big present :-)

This year we held Christmas lunch at our place for my family. My Mum and her boyfriend Kevin, my youngest brother Daniel, and also the middle brother Mitchell & his girlfriend Alicia and their kids came. It was a really casual day, we cooked steak and sausages on the barbecue and had a greek salad and my Mum's famous potato bake for lunch. I think I've put on 5 kilos in the past week alone!

Unforntuately I woke up christmas morning with a sore throat and it has progressively gotten worse to the point where now I have a headache and am just lying on the couch watching the fourth season of Sex and the City... oh well, you can't have it all I guess.

Overall it was a good christmas. The one thing I am wishing for is that next christmas we have a little bubba with us to help celebrate.

How could you forget!!!

Just logged onto my computer at work and was checking out the latest news headlines when I came across this story.

A TWO-year-old girl died when her parents accidentally left her in a car in Perth as the temperatures reached 36C yesterday.
The toddler's parents returned with the girl in their car to their home in suburban Maddington yesterday afternoon before leaving in another vehicle without her, police said.They drove to Fremantle to pick up their two other daughters and realised the little girl was missing only when they returned about two hours later.
She was found in the car but could not be resuscitated, police said.


I am in tears. How could you forget your own child like that?! I can understand a child running away and not knowing where they are, or losing track of them in a store. But to purely forget your child... It is just heartbreaking :-(

Lovemaking

Yes I know, it's a personal topic but I feel like shouting from the rooftops - Murray and I made love today and it was wonderful. 18 months of trying to have a baby has meant that sex other than for procreation purposes doesn't exist, and our sex life has dwindled to a couple of times a month, and only ever when I'm ovulating. Between work, ttc pressures, and just plain old being tired, we haven't been able to give each other the attention that married couples deserve. I guess being on holidays is doing the trick because we are back in the game! :-)

Merry Christmas everyone!

A bit sick

Have a shocking headache that is headed into migraine territory... must head to bed shortly but am snowed under at work at the moment so have been up late trying to do catch up. Only four more working days until I am on holidays! I can't wait!

Feeling good :)

Well my appointment with Dr Junk went really well today. I was so nervous in the waiting room but he put us at ease straight away. He is very passionate about IVM which instilled a lot of confidence in us, he answered all my questions that i had written down before I got a chance to ask them!


Something interesting that he said was that because they have to pierce the ovary walls a lot for the EPU, it has an effect very similar to that of ovarian drilling, which leads a lot of women to fall naturally or at least help with the PCOS symptoms.


He is very positive that this will work for us, I mentioned that I had done a lot of research online and read a couple of his journal articles, and he offered to give me some more information to read. I thought it was just some more papers or something, but he came back with this huge file which turned out to be his conference notes from a conference on IVM that he went to in Germany! I've quickly flicked through the file and it looks really interesting (at least the bits that I understand!)

Oh and did I mention that he is very hot! Let's post a pic of the man in question, for *ahem* informational purposes of course!

Off to the clinic

We have an appointment with the embryologist at our clinic today and I am freaking out. Dr Junk completed his PhD on in vitro maturation, so I am hoping to get some insight into his thoughts of the process and hopefully throw a heap of questions at him! I have done as much research as I can, even reading all those ridiculously wordy scientific journals and have found out a bit, but I'd prefer to hear it from the horses mouth. After all, he will be the one looking after my little embies!

So here is my question list, from the obvious to the obscure:

• What is the process of IVM?
• Timeline of IVM – what day is retrieval done etc
• I know there are less drugs used but specifically what and how much drugs are involved?
• Success rates for IVM v IVF, both worldwide and for this clinic
• Does age make a difference in IVM?
• Is there a usual fertilisation rate? Ie if we retrieve 20 eggs, how many survive to be fertilised, and how many survive to blastocyst stage?
• What is the decision making process with trying for blastocyst? ie if we only have a few embryos, can you decide not to go ahead with going to blast?
• Cost factor – how much? Is it cheaper than IVF, and what medicare benefits are available?
• Can we keep trying every month (as opposed to IVF where you need to take a break in between cycles)? Is there a cut-off point where you can tell that IVM wont work for a certain person?
• How does a frozen transfer work with IVM (Is it different to the FET with IVF?)

We have been trying to conceive for 18 months now, and I'm ready to get pro-active again, stop feeling sorry for myself and throw myself back into it all. I really want this baby! Wish me luck!

The saga continues

I got a call at work today from Alicia, Mitchell beat up on her again and then left the house. I've had enough of all of this. I had the worst day at work because I got emotional and my boss went off at me because I hadn't finished a piece of work on time. I'm so sick of all this crap. Why do I even bother? I'm taking Alicia to court tomorrow to get a Violence Restraining Order against my brother. I wish I didn't have to do it but she has noone else to help her out so I guess I'm it for the time being.

I've had a week of binge eating and I feel shocking for it but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm scared of putting back on all the weight I've lost this year. I've lost 15kg since May but I've already put three kilos back on over the past three weeks.

Phone call

Just got a phone call from Murrays parents to say that friends of ours have just had their second baby this afternoon.

A little girl called Isla. 7 pounds, 3 ounces. Gorgeous apparently.

I managed to hold it together about ten minutes after I got off the phone.

Blergh

I feel like I'm on the verge of another breakdown. AF arrived today and I've managed not to collapse into a heap just yet but I'm only managing to hang on because a valuer is coming around in an hours time. Trying to gorge myself on chocolate and lots of sleep, didn't go to work, can't be bothered going to the gym. I know I need to go and do something and get out of this funk, but I'm so tired of the world. I'm sick to death of people thinking they know better than me about my infertility.

My sister-in-law doesn't want me as a bridesmaid for her wedding - her 'reason' (I say excuse) is that "you might be pregnant then", not because I could be uncomfortable or not want to do it, but because it would look bad in the photos. Right. And when I said that the likelihood is that I wouldn't be pregnant, because of the low success rate of IVM, I was told that "Well we are being positive for you". Just fuck off. If you don't want me to be a bridesmaid just say so. Just because I had you as my bridesmaid, I never expected to be one back, however considering I am your sister-in-law and we are close, it would proably be a nice curtesy to just let me know what you are planning on doing instead of hearing chinese whispers from the family about how a pregnant bridesmaid would screw up your photos. Nevermind the fact that I probably WONT BE PREGNANT! How's that going to feel for me when I arrive at your wedding without a baby in my arms, without a baby bump, with nothing! Fuck, and now I AM crying. I'm sick of this crap.
I'm sick of infertility being all of me, being the only thing that matters and that takes over my life. I have tried distracting myself, I focused on the gym, I took cooking classes, I concentrated on my work and NOTHING WORKS!

I just want that baby. There is nothing else that can compensate for that. I don't even want to have a life if it doesn't have that in it. I love my husband, I love my family, but my life without a child is nothing and I'm over it.

Can't sleep

I've had a shower and have laid down but I can't sleep. I need to get all of this out before I explode. Sorry if it's all over the place...Mitchell (my brother) has lost the plot. I called Alicia(his gf) to ask about christmas (We are holding xmas lunch at our place this year and i wanted to see if they are coming) but the moment she picked up the phone she burst into tears. He has been treating her very badly, calling her an F'ing ugly dog' and telling her to leave and that he hates her etc, but he wont leave the house and he wont actually break up with her.

When I heard everything that was going on, I went straight over there to see if she was alright and took Murray with me for protection. Mitchell wouldnt speak to me, but when he heard Alicia talking to me about him and what was going on he completely lost control, went screaming at us and swearing, telling us to 'get f*cked' and we are all 'f*ing dogs' etc. He went and sat back down on the computer and after a bit I went up to him and tried to make conversation politely and calmly with him, he kept telling me to 'f*ck off' and then got so aggresive that he stood up with scissors in his hand and screamed in my face to f*ck off. He then lit up a bong inside the house, next to his children. This went on for so long, the look in his eyes was like a mad person. It wasnt someone being angry, it was someone with no control, no idea of right or wrong, someone who is pyschologically damaged.

He smacked Lulu so hard today that she has marks on her lower back and upper legs, Alicia took a photo and I just cried. On top of all of that he quit his job last Monday after having two weeks ARL and hasnt rocked up to work for the rest of the 2 week notice period - there goes any reference for a new job, not that he wants another job. He had too much fun getting drugged up with his mates. Alicia wont leave, at least not yet. She keeps saying that she just wants him to change back the way he was, but even from the very beginning, things havent been good between them. I dont know how she stays with them when both her and her children are in danger.

When i left today she said that 'no doubt ill cop it once you leave now that ive spoken to you'. I feel absolutely horrible for leaving them there but she wouldnt come with us. I am devastated. First thing tomorrow, my Mum and I are calling child protection services. I am broken hearted. And that's not taken into consideration the infertile in me. That is just me the sister and the aunty. I feel so helpless but I can't stand by and do nothing.

Bad night

Tonight was a bad night. I can't even write about it right now, it is killing me too much to even think about everything that is going on. Mitchell is being incredibly abusive to Alicia and the kids. It has gotten to the point where my Mum and I have to take action. We are going to make a report to Child Services tomorrow morning. I was in their house tonight and I was scared for my own safety, let alone Alicia's and the children.

One of 'those' weeks

I've been having one of those weeks. Actually I feel like it has been one of those years
I turned 21 this year and I feel like I am finally an adult.
This is the first year I have felt so in control of my life. Yet it is also the first year that I have felt so out-of-control also.

I have built up a career for myself, a job that I do very well at and enjoy, where there is a career plan in place, and I feel like I have achieved a lot in that part of my life. My marriage to Murray goes from strength to strength, I feel a deep love for him that I previously couldn't imagine. While we have our spats, we haven't had any major fights or arguments. Murray's parents and I have gotten along quite well over the year, I organise my mother-in-law's 50th birthday and I feel like we have a clear understanding between us about where we stand, which is a positive step. Financially, we have our house, our cars, beautiful furniture that we worked hard to pay for, and are doing reasonably well, even with the latest interest rate rises. I have managed to lose 15 kilos over the past six months, which has helped my self-esteem no end in addition to the obvious physical benefits.

Yet despite all of these things, my infertility rises to the top as the one thing that makes me feel out of control.

I have moved sideways to a different job within the same companywith less traveling so that I can be near the clinic for IVF. Murray and I have unspoken issues about our own problems, one example is that Murray has put on weight as a result of emotional eating. I am always on edge when a pregnant belly or pram goes past me. Our financial position is threatened because of the cost of IVF procedures. As it is, our savings are heavily depleted. My self-worth as a woman is lowered by my inability to carry a child. I have been through periods of depression where I could not focus on anything but my infertility, and fell into a deep hole.

Every aspect of my life has changed because of my infertility. Some days I wonder if my life will ever go back to normal.

Another one bites the dust.

Just got the phone call, another couple are having a baby. They are a lovely couple and I am really very happy for them. Just wishing it was me. Just one of those days I think.

I've been feeling off colour today and didn't go into work. It's been ridiculously hot for November, 40 degrees yesterday, apparently I have heat exhaustion even though I haven't been out of the house. Have had headaches and been horribly nauseus since I woke up. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon.

Trying to let go

I wasn't going to write about this in my blog because I didn't want to harp on about them, but it's hard to escape the fact that my brother and his partner's screwed up lives are a recurring theme in my life.

On Wednesday night I got a call from my brother asking if he could borrow some shoes. I thought it was quite strange but I brought a pair around for him. Then he proceeds to tell me how him and his friend had been 'jumped' while walking down the street. Apparently two aboriginal guys had a machete and pushed them into their car, put jumpers over their heads and took them to a local industrial park and beat the crap out of them. Then they took their shoes, wallets and phones and left them there.

Although the story is farfetched, and usually my first instinct would be that he is making it up, I believe him. His mate was at his house and it was quite obvious that it was the truth from their behaviour and emotions. I told them that they had to call the police and make a report. Of course they aren't going to do that. That would be "asking for trouble" apparently.

So while I am standing in their living room at 11 o'clock at night, trying to comprehend what has happened, Lulu sneaks out of her bedroom and starts running around. Fair enough, the house has been a bit noisy so I can understand letting her stay up for a bit. Then Alicia gives her a bag of chips for her to eat. At 11pm? Doesn't matter, step back Rebecca, you are not her mother just leave it alone.

Next Mitchell's friend asks for a drink and Alicia pulls out a bottle of Moet & Chandon that was in the fridge. Hang on, you guys don't have enough money to pay your rent every week, now you have a $100 bottle of champagne just lying around? According to Alicia, Mitchell gave it to her as a present and she was planning on drinking it this weekend. Never mind the fact that you are 22 weeks pregnant. Just deal with it Bec. You wouldn't do it but you can't control other people.

Then one of her neighbours pops by to drop off a yellow pages that she had borrowed. She stood on the verandah as she was having a cigarette but Mitchell told her to come inside. She asked if he was sure to which he replied "Yeah, we smoke in here all the time". I started having a go at Mitchell for ruining the house with smoke and he points the finger at Alicia saying "well she smokes inside too!". WHAT!!!!! She swore black and blue that she isn't smoking anymore. She is 22 weeks pregnant!!!!!!!!! I didn't say a word and just left. I couldn't handle being in the presence of someone who so clearly does not care about her unborn child.

They are having a baby girl. A little girl who will no doubt be gorgeous and bubbly and full of life. A little girl who deserves to have the best in life. A little girl that I would give anything in this world to have in my arms.

How do people do this?

IVM

We have decided to begin this new treatment next year called IVM or In Vitro Maturation. The idea behind IVM is that you retrieve the immature follicles at the beginning of your cycle and grow them in the lab for a couple of days, use ICSI on them and then put them back. This is a Canadian clinics website which explains a bit about IVM - http://www.mcgillivf.com/e/McGillIVF.asp?s=1012541109340DEA&page=184.186.212

We made the decision for a number of reasons.

**It is a cheaper option than IVF which allows us to do more cycles if necessary.
**It's relatively quick, no down-reg cycle taking 6 weeks and then a break in between, the whole process takes well under a month and you can start again the next cycle if you are unsuccesful.
**The embryologist at our clinic is one of the experts in the field and really knows what he is doing. Dr Junk has been in close contact with the Canadian researchers who developed this practice and he did his PhD on this topic.
**Minimal injections for me - while not a deciding factor, definitely a nice up-side!
**It's unlikely that the cycle would be cancelled, I don't think that emotionally I could handle another cancelled cycle like last time.

We have an appointment booked with Dr Junk for December 10, hopefully he can give us a bit more information about it all and then we can book in to start in January!

Oh. My. God.

Murray's parents just called to have a chat to me. They want to give us money to pay for a cycle of IVF should our next cycle not work.
I told them that it was a lovely gesture and that we appreciate it but we are fine and can do it ourselves, but they wouldn't take no as an answer.

They said that they weren't going to tell us about it unless we needed it, but after seeing me so stressed out this morning when we visited them, they wanted to let us know to help us relax and take the pressure off a bit.

I am in total shock. Murray's family are very much into helping people out where they need it and it is such an incredible gesture. They have put aside $2500 which is the out of pocket cost for two cycles, which is such a relief, it means we can try probably four or five cycles if need be. I haven't always had the greatest relationship with my in-laws, but they have really suprised me today.

FS Appointment

We had our appointment with our FS today which went well I think. Straight off the bat she said "Well that didn't go the way we planned, did it!" Probably the understatement of the century! She didn't really go into why the cycle was cancelled, just that we have to be really careful becaue of my PCOS. She gave us three options that we can try.

First Option - give IVF another go, start on a little bit higher dose (she mentioned 150iu which I thought was still quite low?) and see how we go, but be prepared for the possibility of another cancelled cycle from either under-stimulating or getting OHSS. Odds are around 50% success rate but thats if the cycle doesn't get cancelled which there is probably a fair chance of happening.

Option Two - Have Ovarian drilling done. To behonest this is the first time I have ever heard of this so am going to have to do some research and find out more about it, but I would prefer not to have an operation when it's not going to make that much of a difference.

Option Three - Try a new procedure called IVM or In Vitro Maturation. I actually read an article about this a couple of weeks back about the first British women who has given birth using this technique. It's really suited towards PCOS sufferers, and it just so happens that our scientific director did his PhD on the subject and is the Australian expert in the field. Apparently Canada is the world leader and he has been liasing with them for a while, so far four women have had babies from this treatment at our clinic, which is a success rate of around 25%. But definitely no cancelled cycles with this treatment which is great! The cost is the same as IVF.

I'm feeling a little confused by all the options, am off to do some more research on it all!

Friendships through IVF

I don't have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have I am incredibly close to. One of my best girlfriends has become quite distant from me since we started doing IVF which has upset me a bit. She is a wonderful person and I don't think it's deliberate but I just don't know.

I totally understand that she has a ridiculously busy life, but it just feels like she doesn't have time for me anymore. Maybe it has nothing to do with IVF, maybe it's her job or something else, but it's another one of those things where I can only see it through my 'IVF glasses' ie- everything is about IVF, that must be the reason she is avoiding me.

Babies everywhere

Went out for lunch today with Murray's family and there were babies everywhere. It was like everywhere I looked there was a pram, or kids running around with icecreams. At first I didn't let it get to me, but it wore me down so much.

The restaurant had a water fountain where you can throw coins in and make a wish. I gave my mother-in-law and sister-in-law a coin each and we all threw our coins in at the same time. My wish was the usual, that our baby isn't far away.

We are definitely restarting IVF as soon as we can. This rollercoaster is so scary sometimes, one day I'm fine with waiting a bit longer, other days it nearly kills me that it's not happening right now. Today happens to be the latter.

Blogging

I've been reading a lot of blogs about peoples journeys through infertility. It's amazing how strong some people are, to read about the ups and downs of it all. It makes me feel that little bit less alone in all of this. I’ve started a list in the sidebar of just a few of the blogs that I read. Sending out hugs all over the world to the women and men who are struggling just like me. I really am praying for a happy ending for all of you.

Blog update

When I first started this blog, I deliberately made my page quite stark to reflect my mood at the time. I've decided however that it is definitely past time for a makeover, hence the new look.

Time for bed now methinks...

Grumpy Bec

Wish AF would bugger off already. I'm feeling really tired and cramps haven't let up at all, but emotionally am doing a bit better today.

I saw my friend Fiona's baby Mia today which was good therapy. I'll admit to being a little worried heading over there this morning to see her, but after getting to hug Mia and carry her around for a bit, it was actually kinda therapeutic if that makes sense?

I'm finding it harder and harder to be around my niece and nephew though. Alicia's pregnant belly is more obvious by the day, they constantly talk about baby names, and their parenting skills are so shocking that I just want to pick the kids up and run away with them. I feel like a parrot, saying the same thing over and over again, but nothings going to change, not for a long time at this rate, so I just need to learn to protect myself from it. I can't do that by not seeing them, so I need to come up with a different coping mechanism. Maybe I can take the kids out by themselves to places. Hmmm...

We have our FS appointment on Monday to go over what happened last cycle and what we will different next time. I'm quite nervous because I know that I need to be firm and tell them how I'm feeling, and I'm not sure if I can do that. It's really strange because most people think I'm a really tough and strong person, but when it come to confrontations with people, I fall to pieces. Something else that I really need to work on.

The witch

AF arrived this morning and I feel like crap.
Am at my desk with a heat pack, trying not to get emotional or think about it too much.
Most of the girls at work are going out for drinks tonight after work. I think I might join them and drown my sorrows.

The rollercoaster continues

Got the call from the clinic today to say that the blood test shows I'm about to get my period. Have felt crampy all day so no big suprise but it's still rough. Glad it's nearly the weekend and I can curl up in bed for a bit.

My dear Mum

I called the clinic this afternoon to ask them what I should do and ask what they thought might be going on. The nurse says that even though they saw the follicle at the time, its possible that this will be an anovulatory cycle. Fcuk! Went and had a bloodtest done after work in which they only tested for ovulation but no pregnancy test, I guess that's their way of saying 'no chance'. Feeling really lethargic, bloated and crappy. I have never been one to obsess over my symptoms or think 'am I or aren't I?' but I'm really obsessing this month.

While I was doing IVF, I was so focused on being positive and believing that it would work etc that I was able to deal with all the blood tests, injections and the whole process without really taking it in too much. Now looking back on the mood swings and what's involved in it all, I realise that it was actually a very difficult thing to do, and I'm not sure if I want to jump back into that straight away. That doesn't mean I don't want a baby now, and it doesn't mean I'm not going to do IVF, but it's not just an automatic 'Yes, we'll do it next month, and the next month and the next'. I may need to take breaks if we are unsuccessful. But of course we are going to be successful...right?!

I had a lovely call from my Mum on the way home from work asking me what the difference between a follicle and an egg was. I explained it to her and she then offered that should we need it, that we can have her eggs. She has had a hysterectomy but her ovaries are still in tact and working fine. I didn't have the heart to tell her about age and eggs etc, but I was still really touched by it. My Mum isn't the most touchy-feely person, so it was quite personal and meaningful for her to offer that up.

Nothing

Still no AF or BFP, not that I really expect the latter. This is doing my head in, I want to go and get a blood test done to actually check I have ovulated, or at least call the clinic and ask them but I don't want them to get my hopes up. Going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a journey

I've decided to start a new blog for my general life stuff to try and keep this blog strictly for my infertility journey. Obviously there is cross-over at times, actually a lot of the time, but I would hate for someone to visit my IF page and see pictures of my niece or nephew and for that to hurt them. I know how much that can hurt me when I'm fragile, so this blog is going to be dedicated to my infertility journey.

For those that are interested, my general blog is at http://the-infamous-bec.blogspot.com/

BFN

Tested this morning and got a BFN. Great.
Am still ridiculously tired from Sunday night but off to the counsellor I go...

Very sleepy

Am finally off to bed, had a nightmare of a day yesterday. As I've mentioned previously, my Mum was involved in a car accident a couple of weeks back and has been in a fair amount of pain since (mainly muscular in her back) . On Friday night she tried to wash her hair, started to feel dizzy and fell over hurting herself even more. Since then she started getting nauseous and had a permanent migraine. I only got a phone call at Sunday lunch time from her partner's sister who had been looking after her. When I arrived she was shaking, couldnt eat, drink, walk or hold a conversation and was vomiting every half an hour.
I managed to get her to the emergency room around 8pm (she's one of these people who is convinced she is okay and doesnt need help - grrr!). No beds were available so she had to lie on the ground covered in a blanket that I brought with me as she can't sit up for long periods of time since the accident. Thank goodness she was able to get in within an hour. The Dr's put her on a drip and a heap of drugs and we eventually left the hospital at around 4am but she was still feeling crappy. Put her to bed and thank goodness this morning she was feeling a bit better. Still has bad muscular pain but the head was down to a 'dull roar' - her words.

I know I have used this blog previously to vent about the emergency department and unfortunately yesterday's experience hasn't changed my mind. The Dr's wouldn't say a thing to me even though my mum was completely out of it, I was only allowed to see her for 2 minutes and then told to go back in the waiting room even though [1] I am her next of kin [2] I wasnt in anyones way [3] it wasnt busy and [4] last time I was allowed to stay for a lot longer! Evil triage nurse!!!

The main thing is she is doing better which Im very happy about. It was really horrible to watch her curled up into the feotal position rocking back and forth.


In other news, AF hasn't arrived yet which is doing my head in. Will temp tomorrow and depending on that, I might test...
I have a counselling session at the clinic tomorrow so might mention it to them and get them to do a BT & also check progestrone levels.

Hope is a bad thing

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up here. My temperature went up again this morning but I can't bring myself to test for fear of disappointment. I need to try and get it out of my head.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/BecDChart

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!

My nephews first birthday

It was my nephew Jordan's first birthday party today. It was meant to be a party at the zoo but bad weather meant that we had to relocate to Alicia's sisters house. It was pretty hard to be there but I really wanted to do the right thing by the kids so I played all the games and got involved. My father and his girlfriend were there also which added to the tensions. Got teary half way through and had to excuse myself but on the whole I think I did really well to get through the morning. I think the hardest thing was that Alicia has now popped out and everyone was obviously talking about them finding out it was a girl. I really hope they don't choose our baby name (It has been suggested before... not happy Jan!)

Anyway, some pics of the big day!

The birthday boy!

The zoo-themed cake

Maybe, maybe not

I have just realised that today I am somewhere between 12 & 16DPO.

Our IVF cycle was cancelled on CD17 as I was ready to ovulate (from memory a 16mm egg?) and I was told ovulation would happen within a day or two. I am now at CD34 with no symptoms and no AF.

I don't test anymore because I know I'm not pregnant, I've come to terms with the fact that we need assistance and that it's not going to happen naturally.

I feel apprehensive and nervous, but okay. Will have to see how this plays out.

It's a girl

God this is hard :-(

Anticipation

Am having a weird day today. After feeling horrible yesterday, I am just drained and waiting for the next bit of news that I know will screw me up.

My brothers gf has her ultrasound today and they will find out the gender of the baby. I know no matter if its a girl or boy that it will be enough to tip me over the edge. I am trying to prepare myself in anticipation of the news but it's not easy. Up until this point I have been able to ignore the fact that she is pregnant by keeping my distance, making visits very short, no baby talk and definitely not looking at her swollen belly. But this makes it real. It's no longer something I can ignore, it will be another little neice or nephew.

I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't let me feelings for them or their situation interfere with my relationship with the kids - I won't let them suffer just because they have shit-for-brains parents. I know I should distance myself from them, self-preservation and all that, but I just can't, its not in my nature to abandon.

It's Alicia's birthday tomorrow and Jordan's 1st birthday on Sunday. We are having a zoo party tomorrow to celebrate. I have organised the birthday cake, I have made the goody bags, I have organised passes for people to get in cheaper. What I would give to be able to be doing this for my own child.

I rang Alicia last night to ask what she wanted for her birthday and she wanted a maternity top as she cant afford to buy clothes at the moment. I thought fine, easy enough and its practical. How stupid was I. Of course that meant looking at all the maternity tops that I cant wear, that I may never wear. I went into Pumpkin Patch for their maternity clothes on sale, only to be confronted with the most gorgeous baby socks and gloves that you will ever see. At one point I may have bought them and put them in my baby cupboard. Now it just makes me sad.

Yes I know, this has turned into another woe-is-me post, but at least I'm writing it here, acknowledging that I feel like this, and hopefully this will allow me to have a somewhat less agonising afternoon. Then again, maybe not.

Angry and upset

How the f*** can someone say that karma is the reason I am infertile!!!!!

I am so angry and upset, I can barely speak.

Doing well

I've been feeling quite good the past couple of days. We had a nice weekend, went out for dinner in Northbridge on Saturday night and did the lawnmowing and homebody stuff on Sunday. Also went to a Wildcats (basketball) game Sunday night. Even though we still have the IVF stuff hanging over us, I feel like the sun has finally come out. Emotionally I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Hopefully this frame of mind stays

We are refinancing our house this month to pay for IVF/baby costs for next year. We didn't want to have to do it but we really can't afford further treatment without it. It will put more pressure on us in terms of repayments, but it's worth it.

We had some great news today. Murray has been offered a job at a school down the road from our home. He went for an interview a month or so back and was unsuccesful, but another position has become available and they rang and offered it to him! He also had another job interview today at a very prestigious school. He is going to contact them tomorrow to get an idea of how his interview went and if he has a chance, otherwise he will take this position. The school is only five minutes down the road and will be perfect for when we have kids. It is attached to the primary school that we want to send our children to :) Life is looking up.

Decision made

Murray and I had a good talk this afternoon. After my post this morning I had a really tiring day and was in a shitty mood when I got home. I couldn't figure out what it was that was bothering me but we ended up talking about IVF and finally came to the decision that we are just going to have to spend the money and start IVF in January. It will cost an extra $2300 more than if we waited until May for our PHI to kick in but for my sanity it is money well spent. Instantly my mood lifted and I felt better. I think we have made the right decision.

My beautiful neighbour brought me around a huge arrangement of flowers last night. They are so gorgeous, it made me cry. It's so nice to have friends who really 'get' me and what I'm dealing with.

Reality

Am struglling to deal with the fact that we wont be able to start IVF again until May. Financially we have to wait, we just don't have the kind of money to try forever and while we can afford to do a cycle in January, if it didn't work we wouldn't have any money left over for another cycle, whereas if we wait until May we can afford to attempt a couple of cycles at least. I was willing to spend that money this cycle, but once I realised how fickle this whole process is, I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket.

Now I just have to figure out how to not go crazy in the seven month wait. I don't know if that's even possible...

Latest ramblings

I had a much better day today. Did my personal training session this morning and really worked hard at it. I figure if I can't do IVF until January then I have to use this time as best I can to work on my weight and general health. To make myself accountable for my goals, I'm going to write them down here. Here goes...

1. Go to the gym three times a week as a minimum

2. Take my mulitvitamin tablets everyday

3. Get under 100kg by the end of the year

4. Stop being a scaredy cat and get your fillings done!

That will do for the moment, although I might add more as I go along.

I also went to my gorgeous niece Taloola's birthday today. She turned three and we had a little get together with fairy bread and lots of present opening. I thought it would be really hard being around the kids and Alicia as she is 4 months pregnant, but I thought I coped pretty well. Here's a pic of the beautiful birthday girl riding on her present from Auntie Becca!

Stuff

My head is running a million miles an hour so I thought I'd try and just write everything down and get it all out of my head.

I'm swinging between depression and being okay. It's not even an hourly thing, it's minute by minute. My beautiful friends have helped me so much and have kept me going to this point, but I just feel so confused in myself.

Went and saw my GP this morning who wrote me a medical certificate for today and tomorrow. He gave me a long talk about not falling into a depressed state, and recommended that I get out of the house and go shopping and see a movie etc. So Murray and I went out and had lunch at our favourite restaurant, did a spot of shopping, and I tried so hard to be happy and get past everything, and act like this was only a small setback.

But for me it's not. It has broken my heart. Everyone told me to be positive about this cycle, so I really was. I believed 100% in my heart that this was it. It was going to happen. I would be pregnant, we would be 12 weeks pregnant at christmas time and be able to announce it to everyone, ffs I even went and bought those DIY bonbons so I could put little announcements in each one. I allowed myself to get excited and then this happens. It was always going to happen, I knew it from the beginning, everytime I get my hopes up they get smashed to pieces.

Am very upset with my clinic for not warning me that this was a possibility. I knew about OHSS, or none of the eggs fertilising and maybe getting a BFN at the end of the cycle, but never under responding and having my cycle cancelled. I haven't had any contact with my fertility specialist since August and I feel very disconnected from the decision making process. Plus it is expensive. I rang Concept Fertility this afternoon and they are sending out a information pack with prices etc. I don't really know how the process works with changing clinics, but we would be aiming at starting IVF again in January/February.

After this post I am going to stop wallowing in self-pity. I am going to be proactive and find out what is the best option for us in terms of staying where we are or changing to a new clinic etc.
I am going to the gym tomorrow morning. I will prepare a healthy dinner and I will call my friends and speak to them without crying. This will become just another blip on the radar and in a few weeks or months or even years when we have our baby, I will be able to look back and say this happened for a reason. Right now I don't know what the reason is but there must be a reason.

I will be okay.

An explanation

Have spent the last couple of hours floating between crying and getting angry. Have settled on sad but stable at the moment.

Had my blood test and ultrasound this morning. Blood test first which hurt like hell as usual but I coped with it. Then the ultrasound. I've been worrying about the ultrasound as I know last time none of my follicles have grown. She measured the endo lining first and it was at 9.6 which she said meant that something was happening. My left ovary showed no movement from last time, but when she looked at my right ovary she seemed quite happy as there was one follicle at 15mm. Unfortunately it was the only follicle on that side that had done anything. The nurse appeared to suggest that with more time the others would catch up, so I left my appointment a little concerned but thinking that everything would be okay.

The clinic called me at 4.45pm with the news that they would be cancelling my cycle, as I am ready to ovulate and there is no point in retrieving just the one follicle. The nurse booked me in with my FS Dr Yeap for 5th November to review this cycle. She advised that we have intercourse this weekend 'just in case' as it looks like I will ovulate very shortly.

I just burst into tears, I couldn't help it. I was at work at the time so I hid under my desk and just cried my eyes out. One of my workmates came past my desk and saw me and helped me get my stuff together to go home. I managed to hold it together until I got home and then I just broke down. Telling Murray what had happened was so hard. He ended up in tears as well and we just hugged each other for ages. To make things worse my boss called me at home, my workmate told her that he had seen me crying and she asked me if it was IVF related and I said yes. Then she started asking all of these invasive questions about what I had been doing and why was I crying etc, when I told her it was a cancelled cycle she pretty much said 'Oh, I thought it was BFN or something, that's not so bad afterall' and started going on about how I have plenty of time and my biological clock isn't ticking and she will see me at work tomorrow. Fucking bitch. I'm not going back to work for the rest of the week. I couldn't stand to be around her right now, I would do something I might regret.

I think the hardest part of this is that it's so unexpected. We were never told that this was an option. I knew that at the end of the cycle we might get a negative result, and I knew about OHSS, but to cancel a cycle because I haven't responded just wasn't in the equation, so how could I prepare for it?

So what next? We have to have a cycle break apparently, FS appointment on 5th November and we will decide what protocol to use for next time. If we start in December we don't get any benefit from the Medicare Safety net which financially we really need to take advantage of. In January we have a holiday already booked and paid for so unless the dates work around that, we can't start then. So that means the earliest we can realistically start is February. PHI kicks in in May so it would makes good financial sense to wait until then. None of these options make me happy. Am so upset and angry and then more upset again.

We are seriously considering moving to Dubai next year. It means that IVF is off the cards for a while (not sure if they do it over there) but I need to get out of where I am. I can't handle doing what I'm doing, and I know I will never leave my job while I'm here in Perth with our mortgage and current situation. I want a baby more than anything in this world, I would give it all up in a second for a child, but it just seems so out of reach right now.

Devastated

I feel like my world has collapsed. Our IVF cycle has been cancelled. I can't even talk about it without falling to pieces. Will post details later.

Why is the world so cruel?

Nervous

Am very nervous about tomorrow morning, am praying that my follicles have started growing. I feel like I've been on this rollercoaster for so long now. I know logically it hasn't been that long but I'm really tired of it all. Hopefully there will be good news tomorrow.

And... WHY CAN'T I SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My baby brother

I just got a picture sms from my 17 year old brother Daniel who has just joined the army. He is currently at the recruit base in Kapooka, near Toowoomba.

How gorgeous is he!

What a weekend...

I am absolutely exhausted. I've only just gotten home and I feel like a total wreck.
My Mum was involved in a car accident yesterday afternoon. She was stopped at a traffic light and this car came up and didn't even attempt to stop and slammed into the back of her, pushing her into the car in front of her. She ended up going in the ambulance with the lady from the car that hit her to hospital to be checked out. I was so scared for her. Ended up waiting in the Emergency waiting room for several hours while they checked her out. She is fine thank goodness, looks like she has a bit of whiplash and general aches and pains in her back, but other than that she is okay. Her car is a write-off though, we had to go to the towing yard today to get all of her work stuff out of the car. Thankfully insurance will cover it all.
I am just so grateful that she is okay. I don't know what I would do without her.

On the IVF front, I'm doing okay, very emotional, headachey and exhausted but okay. I really, My injection this morning REALLY hurt, more than all of the rest of them put together. Oh my god, and my skin is soooooo bad! Usually I get a couple of pimple's here and there but I have about 10 huge ones all over my chin- I look like a monster!!!

Really don't want to go back to work tomorrow, but I know that I have to. Hopefully noone pisses me off, unless they want me to bite their head off.

Another not very inventive title...

I've decided that I'm not a particuarly good writer. I always harboured dreams of writing a book one day, specifically about infertility. After reading through the last couple of pages of my blog, I think I need to give up that dream!

Had another blood test and ultrasound today. Ultrasound shows 14 follicles, with the biggest only at 8mm. Am upping my gonal-f to 112.5 daily from now on. The stupid nurse only gave me a 450 pen instead of a 900 like last time, so its only going to last me until Wednesday, and then I have to go in for another bt & ultrasound.

Ive had a lovely day, breakfast at Kailis Bros, then a massage and pedicure at a day spa (A bday present from my best friend Rach) and then an acupuncture session. Despite all this I feel angry and frustrated. Stupid hormones. Stupid world.

Latest results

Had another blood test this morning, I was quite apprehensive but the nurse was lovely and managed to score two vials of blood with barely an 'Ouch'. The clinic called this afternoon and they want me to continue on with my current injection dose, and come in on Friday for a blood test and ultrasound. I assume that means that my body is finally reacting to the gonal-f, not that they have said that... I wish people would actually say what is going on. I guess it's my fault for not asking as well. Will definitely have to ask more questions when I go in on Friday.

We had a lovely day today, went and saw the 'Egyptian antiquities from the Louvre' at the Perth Art Gallery, not something we would usually do but it was really fascinating. Just had a yummy bowl of fat-free sorbet, and fresh strawberries & pineapple.

Feeling emotional

I'm on the verge of tears and I don't know why. I know logically that it's probably just the hormones effect on me but I feel like a different person all the time, one minute I'm happy and fine, an hour later I'm wanting to crawl into bed and never wake up. Grrrr...

Murray has been applying for jobs and there was one we were really hoping for, but he got a letter today saying he had been unsuccessful. He is so upset about it and I feel so helpless. I've tried to comfort him and take his mind off things but there's only so much I can do.

Murray really wants us to get out of Perth and live/work somewhere else for a bit. He wants either Melbourne, Dubai or the UK. I've said I will do it if it's right for us. Originally we were thinking of doing it for 2009 but now he is talking about going next year. I'm very conflicted about it all. I love my job a lot and have some really great career opportunities over the coming years, but if I'm going to take time off to have a baby anyway, that's not a major factor. I love being close to my Mum but she could take off at any minute anyway. I love Perth but it is so expensive to live here now, it's hard to make our mortgage payments and it's not going to get any easier once I'm on maternity leave or if I wanted to work part-time. I don't want to give birth overseas, and I wouldn't do fertility treatment elsewhere. I'm feeling very conflicted by everything. It's starting to become a trend :-(

Off to have a good cry.

Long weekend

Well it's the Queens birthday public holiday today, and like any other self-respecting couple we ended up where everyone else does when all other stores are closed - Bunnings! Had a bit of a browse and bought some weed-killer as our garden looks absolutely shocking! We had planned to do it together until I released that the clinic warned against any use of chemicals. Oh well.

I have this week and next Monday off work which I'm so glad I planned because I can barely concentrate on what's in front of me, let alone having to deal with people at work. Am going to take it very easy over the next week, going to the gym when I feel like it, a bit of cleaning here and there, doing the grocery shopping tomorrow. We are even thinking of going to visit an Egyptian display at the art gallery in the city. Maybe catch up with a couple of girlfriends that I don't get to see enough (Fee & Amanda - that's you!)

Off to try and do other normal things and attempt to take my mind off the ever present IVF thoughts.

Another day, another blood test

The merry-go-round continues. Did my injection at precisely 7.10am, then raced off to get my blood test done at 7.30. Of course it doesn't open until 8am on Saturday's does it. Off to McDonalds to waste some time... and break my diet with hotcakes. Oh well.

Went back to the centre to find the doors open and the waiting room completely full. Thank goodness for those pink slips, 'urgent bloodwork' means no waiting around - score one for me. I ask to lie down due to my bad reaction on Tuesday and they say no problem, but only one of the rooms has a bed so I have to wait for that nurse to become free. I show her my bruise which still looks mighty impressive and she starts to look a bit worried. After feeling around for five minutes Im starting to get nervous, I don't need another novice taking blood! Eventually she says she is going to get the other nurse to do it because she "can't find any veins". Great - score's are locked at one apiece. The other nurse comes in and I recognise her as one who has taken blood from me before- things are looking up. Then she starts feeling around, it appears my veins have performed a disappearing act. After getting a little agitated she eventually finds a surface vein and goes for gold. All over and done for another day, thank goodness.

The clinic rang me this afternoon with the results. Apparently my body hasnt reacted at all to the hormones yet. I'm to increase my dose very slowly to not trigger the 15 or so cysts already on my ovaries. I'm currently doing gonal-f injections at 75, Im to change every second injection to 112.5 and do another blood test on Wednesday.

Great.

Injection time

Did my first injection yesterday morning. I prepared for it all as calmly as I could, but when it came time to do it, I just couldn't. I flipped out completely, over the period of an hour I managed to work myself into such a state, I ended up getting my next door neighbour to come over and calm me down so I could do it. Eventually we iced the area so I couldn’t feel anything and then did it, I really didn't think I would be able to do it, but ended up being okay enough to do it myself. I did this morning's one first go as well and was fine, although I didn't sleep too well last night thinking about it!

Murray rang me at work and we were talking about my injections etc, and he said to me "I know you have to do the injections because of me and I really appreciate that".
It wasn't a self-defeating statement or feeling sorry for himself or laying blame, but it was just a genuine appreciation of what I am going through and it meant a lot to me. A lot of people have said 'well, you want a baby so shut up and put up with it all', but that's really not fair.

I still can't believe we are really doing this. I have started wearing my crucifix necklace everyday, I figure every little bit helps. I want this more than I have wanted anything else in this world. I am praying that this works.

There once was a nurse name Hilary...

OH. MY. GOD.
And I thought I had a fear of needles before! The nurse today took three goes to get my blood, I nearly passed out and vomited simultaneously, and I now have a nasty bruise on my arm, all of which I get to repeat on Saturday and then thrice-weekly... so totally my idea of fun.

Also had my ultrasound done. You would think that these people would be able to show a little empathy, coming in day 2 of your cycle (yes that means you have your period), to have what is affectionately termed 'dildo cam', to advise you on what to do. Nope, you have to ask and feel humiliated. It's not like it's a one-off event, every woman needs this ultrasound on day 2 to make sure everything is okay, grow a brain and tell us what to do!

So I have to start injections tomorrow, am freaking out a little over it all. I know I can do it, I have to do it, it's not like I have much of a choice!!! But I am worried about it. Am going to do them in the morning so I don't spend all day dreading them.

This is a video I found of what I'll have to do. God bless youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fADyj_nLKqs

That time of month...

The evil witch has finally made her appearance, maybe I shouldn't have been complaining about my drawn out cycle. I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow morning for a blood test and an ultrasound, and I will start the injections on Wednesday.

I am suddenly fearful, nervous and scared of everything that is to come. Not so much of the needles or the invasive nature of the tests, but the fact that this may not work. I haven't allowed myself to think about the possibility of IVF not working.

I am off to curl up in bed with my Nintendo DS, a heat pack and my fat-free lemon sorbet.

Educating the kids

I just noticed a horrendous spelling error in one of my previous posts - eek! I was always one of those nerdy kids at school who knew exactly where every apostrophe, comma and quotation mark should go, and in my old age (ha!) I have gotten to the point where I wrote 'piece' instead of 'peace and quiet'. Maybe this is what the world is coming to? Murray brings home assignments to mark where kids write in sms talk, 'How r u today?' and they honestly believe that is how the words are meant to be written.



The education system in WA right now is the worst it has ever been, not trying to get political here, but the OBE or whatever they have watered it down to be is the most horrendous thing ever invented. Who implements a system that has been discredited and thrown away in the majority of countries it has been used in? Murray has students who are barely passing that officially get a B grade because of the stupid marking systems. There is no consistency across the board, the teachers don't know what they are doing so how are the students meant to know?

Just chugging away

This is a bit of a nothing post so feel free to skip over it if you are looking for something more meaningful to read. Just got from my PT session at the gym and am totally and utterly exhausted. I have very little planned for this weekend, the Wildcats (basketball) play their first game on Sunday so we will head along to that, and Murray is trying to convince me to go to Belmont Park to watch the races, but unfortunately for him I have no inclination to do so. I think today is going to be a cleaning day.

I didn't think the drugs I'm taking were affecting me other than the yucky taste and headaches, but I have been quite fatigued lately and having wacky dreams. Who knows whether it is related or not. Maybe that's just the stress of everything that's going on in my life :-) Last night I had the craziest dream that my brothers were trying to kill me and the police had no guns or weapons and so couldn't help me. I woke up a couple of times in the night distressed, and everytime I went back to sleep the dream continued and got worse!

Speaking of my brother, Daniel sent my Mum a letter yesterday from the army. He joined the army two weeks ago, and is currently at recruit camp at Kapooka. He said that "it is bloody hard and he can't wait to march out of the place at the end of it" but apparently "the corporal is very impressed with how quickly they are learning everything". He was very unimpressed that they had to wear speedo's for their swimming trials though!!! He wrote to tell me he loved me "and all that shizzle" hahahaha, that is so typically Daniel. I miss him lots and am glad to hear that he is okay. Mum was stressing out big time, she knows what a great opportunity this is for him, but I don't think she was quite ready for him to leave, he is only 17 I guess.

Mum is stoked, she is only 41 and all of her three kids are out of home already! Now she is working on getting Kevin, her boyfriend, to move in with her, and then work on getting him to propose lol. I always use to think my Mum was this really strong person, after all she was the one who taught me that 'You never need a man to be happy, you need to look out for yourself etc', maybe that was just the bitter divorcee in her coming out, but she is such a push-over when it comes to men! Every boyfriend has been 'the one', and she is ridiculously mushy and lovey-dovey, it's quite sickening actually! But this one has lasted a lot longer than the others and Kevin seems to feel the same way, even if he does live with his parents!

Embryology evening

Just got back from our Embryology evening. It was pretty good, one of the embryologist went through the IVF process and showed lots of pictures of embryos and blastocysts and the difference between them all, and gave some stats which I already knew.
Then the clinic psychologist did a 40 minute spiel on how its normal to be emotional throughout IVF. Hmmmm.... I think I kinda get that already!

Nobody spoke or even looked at each other which I found really odd, I guess I was going along hoping to just chat to people who are doing the same thing as us. I tried to crack a joke about why they couldnt give us tablets instead of giving ourselves injections but managed to get a death stare in return from both the psych and the other couples. I take it that's a strike against my name!

We went out for dinner afterwards at Ti Amo restaurant in Nedlands which I have to say was the best meal I have ever had, and Im not exaggerating! I had a beautiful chargrilled chicken with a chilli cream sauce and it was so good, it takes my Chicken & Prawn Kiev at Morgans Restaurant down to #2 ever which makes it pretty bloody awesome. lol OK enough about food, Im getting hungry again!

Im getting a little impatient with my Fertility Friend chart (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/BecDChart). I'm currently on Day 30 of my cycle, and supposedly 16 DPO which is way past my normal luteal phase. The nurse at the clinic did tell me that starting Synarel early can cause AF to be late but I just wish it didn't get my hopes up as much as it does. I even did a HPT on Tuesday, negative of course, but just the fact that I did one is silly.

Another thing (Im full of words tonight!) at the presentation tonight, they kept talking about multiple cycles and not getting your hopes up for the first cycle etc. Fuck that for a joke. I am putting everything I have into this cycle, acupuncture, positive thinking, standing upside down and doing cartwheels if it will make a difference. Financially we are using all our savings to do this cycle, and should it not work, we will not be able to do another cycle of IVF for at least six months until we can save enough money to try again, which is a really horrible thought that I can't quite fathom yet. Failure is not an option!

OK I think thats enough blabbing on for now, somebody is probably going BBBFB by now so Ill sign off with good night and sweet dreams xxx

Gala Ball

Went to Murray's gala school ball two weekends ago and we just got a photo back so thought I would post it to show how handsome my husband is! :-) It was a great night, a chance to get all dressed up and hit the dance floor!

Staying positive

Am feeling much better today, have blocked out all the negative crap from my brother and his problems, and am back to being positive :-)I've started thinking about hospitals and obs and all that sort of stuff, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself 'just in case', but I still want to be able to get excited like normal people do. Maybe I should just leave it alone and not jinx myself, not that im sure I believe in that sort of thing. I guess if I did believe in being jinxed, the cupboard full of baby clothes and toys probably didn’t help lol :-P

Why did I even bother

Everybody told me not to, but did I listen... nooo.I had to help my brother. Fat lot of good that did. Mitch & Alicia are back together, he has ignored the police order and gone to her house and they have sorted it all out apparently. He rang me to tell me and I said I wish he had waited until the order had expired at 9pm. He started yelling at me and abusing me until I hung up. Then he rang back and did the same again until he hung up. Then I sent a message trying to calm him down and he called back again. I told him to stop being so disrespectful and he hung up. Im in tears.I knew I shouldnt have helped, I should have left him to sort it out himself, he has anger management issues and its just not my problem. But I cant do it. I try so hard to do the right thing, I cant just abandon my brother but I have to, if there's one thing Ive learnt today its that I need to make a clean break. I love those kids so much but as much as it hurts me not to see them, I cant be around those two. If I do, Im only asking for trouble.

I'm so angry, upset, confused, sad and just plain stressed out which is really what I do not need right now.

Family drama

Had a big night last night, Mitchell & Alicia had a huge fight last night and as usual the stupid girl called the police. I dont know what on earth possessed her to do it, maybe this is what her mum used to do to her dad or something? Last time she called the cops she said she did it for 'A little peace and quiet'. Anyway, Mitch called Mum and I earlier and we were already on the way over to pick him up before the cops came, he took all of his stuff from the house and went to my place. Police arrive at my house, she has made all these allegations which I know are a lot of bull**** because I heard exactly what he said and she has exaggerated or made up everything, Mitchell gets a 24 hour order to stay away from her and the kids (and HIS house!). Cops tell them both to grow up. Geez, now doesnt that sound familiar!

I just feel sorry for their kids. They are both 18 with a 3yo and 11 month old and ONE ON THE WAY!!!!!!!! Sure Jordan is only a baby but Lulu is 3, Im sure she knows what is going on, they dont bother about making sure the kids are okay in all of this. They use them like pawns. Mitchell wanted to take Jordan with him last night but the police wouldnt let him which I can understand.

The hard thing is next week no doubt they will be back together, same problems, more fights until one day one of them will snap and we will repeat this all over again.

I promised myself I wouldnt get involved and would concentrate on myself and just leave them to sort out their own problems but I cant do that, its my brother and his family, I love those kids like they are my own. It's all too freakin hard :-(

Normal life...

I figure i should use my blog for more than just my IVF dramas, maybe more like a journal for everything that's going on :-)

Just got back from the gym this morning, had a Personal Training session. She is very excited that we are starting IVF :-)

Sniffing this morning was horrible, Im drinking coke afterwards to combat the taste but that is quite acidic and makes me want to spew. Have bought some mint pattie things to try and eat instead...

lol so much for making this blog not about IVF!

Day 2 Sniffing

I got a little frustrated with Murray last night, all he did was whinge about him not feeling well and having a sore throat, when I wanted him to pay me a little attention and show that he cares about what we are doing. I know he cares, but still... I dunno, maybe Im just being overly sensitive about it all.

Started sniffing

I had my first sniff-fest today, I cant believe we are actually doing this!Had my nurses appointment yesterday and got given all the drugs, had to do a blood test on the way out and they wanted me to start taking Synarel from today so here we are! I was quite nervous about it and it had a yukky taste after about 5 minutes but now Ive done it twice, there's no stress.

Im just so excited that we are finally doing this. Ive told a lot of people at my work because they knew Id been having some time off and everyone has been really supportive.

Now just have to wait for AF to arrive to let the fun Really begin!!!

Waiting

Waiting, waiting, waiting. It's all I ever seem to do. I am so sick to death of taking my temperature every morning, but in my head if I stop, I lose all control over my body so I keep on doing it every day in the hope that it tells me what my body is doing.Hrrrmmmpphhh

First blog entry

Just got the email through about blogs being available and have decided it's just what I needed. I started a diary a lifetime ago but never get the time to write in it so here goes.

I'm doing really well at the moment, but it really is a day-by-day thing. Some days I feel shocking, other days I feel really good. We have been TTC for 14 months now and it feels like it's never going to end. I feel a lot better now that we have an action plan in place. I have a nurses appointment on the 12th to learn how to give myself injections and then an embryology evening on the 20th to get more information about everything, and when AF arrives we start our first (and hopefully only) IVF/ICSI cycle! I am really confident about it, I know everyone says to hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but I cant do that. I need to put all my hope and trust in this, and pray that it works. I've been doing acupuncture for the past couple of months and have lost just over 12 kilos since May in preparation for starting IVF, I just hope that makes enough of a difference. My FS prescribed me metformin to take in the meantime but all it did was make me nauseaus all day long so have finally given it up after a month.

Am worried about the financial side of everything, our PHI doesnt kick in until May next year which means we have to pay for all the hospital costs completely adding an ezxtra $2300 onto the IVF cost but it is worth it if it works. IF it doesn't.... I don't really want to think about it, but we wont be able to afford a 2nd go until May/June next year.

I was diagnosed with depression back in May and I finally feel like I have it under control. I've been doing lots of reading and taking time out for myself and LOTS of exercise and its finally paying off.

Hmm ok I've probably blabbed on for a while now, but thought I'd give this blog thing a try anyhow. xxx