Anticipation

Am having a weird day today. After feeling horrible yesterday, I am just drained and waiting for the next bit of news that I know will screw me up.

My brothers gf has her ultrasound today and they will find out the gender of the baby. I know no matter if its a girl or boy that it will be enough to tip me over the edge. I am trying to prepare myself in anticipation of the news but it's not easy. Up until this point I have been able to ignore the fact that she is pregnant by keeping my distance, making visits very short, no baby talk and definitely not looking at her swollen belly. But this makes it real. It's no longer something I can ignore, it will be another little neice or nephew.

I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't let me feelings for them or their situation interfere with my relationship with the kids - I won't let them suffer just because they have shit-for-brains parents. I know I should distance myself from them, self-preservation and all that, but I just can't, its not in my nature to abandon.

It's Alicia's birthday tomorrow and Jordan's 1st birthday on Sunday. We are having a zoo party tomorrow to celebrate. I have organised the birthday cake, I have made the goody bags, I have organised passes for people to get in cheaper. What I would give to be able to be doing this for my own child.

I rang Alicia last night to ask what she wanted for her birthday and she wanted a maternity top as she cant afford to buy clothes at the moment. I thought fine, easy enough and its practical. How stupid was I. Of course that meant looking at all the maternity tops that I cant wear, that I may never wear. I went into Pumpkin Patch for their maternity clothes on sale, only to be confronted with the most gorgeous baby socks and gloves that you will ever see. At one point I may have bought them and put them in my baby cupboard. Now it just makes me sad.

Yes I know, this has turned into another woe-is-me post, but at least I'm writing it here, acknowledging that I feel like this, and hopefully this will allow me to have a somewhat less agonising afternoon. Then again, maybe not.