Our holiday in pictures.

More news to come shortly, for now some pictures from our holiday in Thailand and Singapore.

On holiday

I promise I do have a positive post coming soon, lots of things have been happening - Murray's 30th birthday, our first adoption seminar, and our latest IVF appointment. But that will have to wait as we are off on holiday tomorrow, spending four night in Phuket Thailand, and then another 4 nights in Singapore. Really looking forward to being able to unwind and spend some time with Murray.

My little girl

We found out yesterday that our baby Vanilla was a little girl. My heart is crushed, my beautiful baby girl that I was meant to have, is gone. I didn't prepare myself for knowing, I didn't know that we would be told. But it was offered to us and I said yes, tell me. And now it hurts so much. My heart aches for my little girl. My perfect little girl had nothing wrong with her, no chromosonal problems, nothing at all. It was my uterus or something else about me that stopped her living. It's my fault. Something I did, or that my body did, stopped my baby from growing. The guilt is horrible.

Fiction?

Once upon a time there was a girl name B who married a man called M. They were living their happily ever after story until one day they decided to add a baby to the picture to add to their happiness. They tried and tried, but the baby would not appear. So they asked for help, from the doctors and from God, yet there was still no baby. One day through a combination of God and doctors, a miracle happened and baby V started growing in B's tummy. But all too soon the baby had to go to heaven. B & M were very sad about this. Slowly though, they began to see little rays of sunshine and happiness, and learnt that their love for each other was all conquering.

Yesterday B learnt that her an accusation against her dad means he has to be judged, and may go to jail. B's heart is hurting again. B remembers the light but doesn't know how to get back from the darkness.

Does it get any better?

My heart is aching. I should be 11 weeks pregnant and looking forward to my 12 week scan. but I'm not. And it hurts so badly.

Adding insult to injury, I spoke to the clinic nurse yesterday who offhand had remembered seeing Murray's SCSA results in the lab. Apparently the DNA damage or DNA Fragmentation Index is at 35%. Basically normal is less than 15% but 15-30% is okay. Over 30% is crap. Apparently

Our Doctors appointment is on the 30th, so I have started Murray on Menevit to start with, and we are both back on the weightloss, healthy lifestyle thing. We have started tentatively talking about the option of donor sperm. Honestly, it scares the pants of me. I don't know how I feel about it, but I am scared.

Adding to the pain

My brothers girlfriend had her baby this morning. A little girl named Lilly.

Tears for my lost baby

I keep breaking down into tears. All it takes is a split second thought and I start crying. Every time I look at Murray, I think about the baby we were going to have together. And now we aren't. Everyone keeps saying that 'at least we know we can get pregnant'. That's cold comfort right now. And there is no guarantee we will get pregnant again. This was our 5th transfer from 8 cycles. How do we know that it wont take another 8 cycles for me to fall? And if I lose it again? Why would I want to put myself through that again. Another loss would almost make it not worth having a child. It just hurts too much.

D&C

I spent most of today in hospital. We decided that we would go ahead with a d&c so that they could test the 'products of conception' to find out what went wrong. Once we made that decision, I just wanted to get it done as soon as possible, which is how I found myself at admissions at 9am this morning.

Mike, my obs, was lovely, so caring and compassionate. He came and saw me before the procedure for 5 minutes to talk about how I was feeling and what would happen. My Mum came along with me for the day as Murray couldn't really afford to take any more time off of work. Unfortunately the overflow of the day surgery patients are put in the same ward as the maternity patients, so I got to listen to babies crying while I got dressed, ready to have my baby taken away from me. Thank God my Mum was with me, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. I remember waking up in recovery and just crying my eyes out.

I am still bleeding heavily, and was told to expect to bleed for a week or two. I also have to organise a follow up appointment with Mike for 4-6 weeks time. I have asked him if I am able to swap to have him as my fertility specialist as well, as he works for the same clinic as my FS, and he said that would be absolutely fine. I just need a new referral.

I feel very lost. I don't want to do IVF again. But I have to. I don't want to do anything every again. Work. Fun, Seeing people. Eating. It is all too hard. But I have to. Because that's what I do.

It's over

This is not a viable pregnancy. The sac only measured 6 weeks, there was no sign of a baby or a heartbeat. I have been given the option to miscarry naturally or have a d&c. I have no preference for either.

I don't know how to feel. I have cried but only superficially. I feel numb. I have moments of extreme sadness yet I stop them as soon as they start, for I am too scared to deal with the pain it brings. I almost feel like it is happening to someone else. Surely it's not happening to me? I am pregnant remember? I've put on weight, my breasts are sore, I have bonded with my baby in utero. Surely it is all but a dream and I will wake up with a baby in my arms.

No news is.. well no news

Feeling very un-pregnant like. My fatigue has disappeared and I don't feel fuzzy. I'm not as bloated and have no nausea. The only symptom still hanging around are my sore boobs, which even they are not as bad as they were a week ago. I feel like it is over. I know I should be staying positive, that's what everyone is telling me anyway. But last night all I could think about was contingency plans - when we could fit another cycle in, how much money we can spend and if we should go on the adoption waiting list.

Emotionally I am blank. Just a big fat blank. I'm scared but I cant let myself be consumed by that because I don't want to get depressed again. I'm tired of sinking into that dark hole over and over again. So for now I am feeling nothing. Not thinking of the baby, whenever that is actually possible, not thinking of the scan or beta numbers. Just getting through each hour of each day until Monday.

Yet after saying all of that, I want this so badly... I just have to turn myself off, otherwise the emotion is too strong.

4280

My hcg levels are 4280. So they are doing something, but still not at a great rate. We wont really know much more until the scan on Monday. I've heard that you wont usually get a heartbeat until the hcg levels are over 6000iu so I am praying that it is okay.

I rang up and complained about the attitude of one of the nurses today. I had a phone message to give the clinic a call, and Linda answered. She gave me my results and was so gloom and doom about the whole thing. When I questioned whether my number was okay, she said to me that the numbers were giving me 'false hope' and implied that it was already over with. I was so upset, I got off the phone and sulked for a bit, but then decided I need to call back and speak to a different nurse.

The other lady was lovely and said that there was no way for us to know what was going to happen, and that yes - ideally my numbers would be a lot higher but it can still happen. She then told me that she had an ultrasound with her second child with no heartbeat, and they scheduled a d&c, then just before she had it she had a second ultrasound and there was one, and she now has a 5 year old! I told her the things that Linda had been saying and she agreed that it wasn't what I needed to be hearing. I left it at that as I don't feel a formal complaint would help me at this point.

I am keeping my appointment with my obstetrician on Monday. He is going to do a scan first thing to check on growth, and then we will go from there.

Not the best of news

There was no heartbeat. There is a sac and what looks like it could be the beginning of a fetal pole, but it's still small. And no heartbeat. Our doctor has said not to give up hope, and it could just be too earlier, considering how low my beta numbers have been, but I'm not so sure.

After my doctor did the scan, a nurse came in to take a photocopy of my records to take to the doctor, but she was so negative in her attitude, almost pitiful towards us but not compassionate if that makes sense. She was talking like it was already over? In the end she said that she would wait until tomorrow before she would decide whether to forward my file on to the OBs. We left the clinic upset that we hadn't heard a heartbeat and that we could lose this precious life inside of me, yet all I could think about was that this woman who was meant to support us had already decided that it was over and done with.

I have a blood test tomorrow morning which will tell us whether or not my hcg levels are rising still, and then my first obstetrician appointment on Monday. The OBs is also a fertility specialist at my clinic, so my dr is going to talk to him and we will do a scan first thing at the appointment to figure out whether the sac has grown or not.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should remain hopeful that maybe it is still too early, and that my levels will keep rising, or if this is it.