Stuff

My head is running a million miles an hour so I thought I'd try and just write everything down and get it all out of my head.

I'm swinging between depression and being okay. It's not even an hourly thing, it's minute by minute. My beautiful friends have helped me so much and have kept me going to this point, but I just feel so confused in myself.

Went and saw my GP this morning who wrote me a medical certificate for today and tomorrow. He gave me a long talk about not falling into a depressed state, and recommended that I get out of the house and go shopping and see a movie etc. So Murray and I went out and had lunch at our favourite restaurant, did a spot of shopping, and I tried so hard to be happy and get past everything, and act like this was only a small setback.

But for me it's not. It has broken my heart. Everyone told me to be positive about this cycle, so I really was. I believed 100% in my heart that this was it. It was going to happen. I would be pregnant, we would be 12 weeks pregnant at christmas time and be able to announce it to everyone, ffs I even went and bought those DIY bonbons so I could put little announcements in each one. I allowed myself to get excited and then this happens. It was always going to happen, I knew it from the beginning, everytime I get my hopes up they get smashed to pieces.

Am very upset with my clinic for not warning me that this was a possibility. I knew about OHSS, or none of the eggs fertilising and maybe getting a BFN at the end of the cycle, but never under responding and having my cycle cancelled. I haven't had any contact with my fertility specialist since August and I feel very disconnected from the decision making process. Plus it is expensive. I rang Concept Fertility this afternoon and they are sending out a information pack with prices etc. I don't really know how the process works with changing clinics, but we would be aiming at starting IVF again in January/February.

After this post I am going to stop wallowing in self-pity. I am going to be proactive and find out what is the best option for us in terms of staying where we are or changing to a new clinic etc.
I am going to the gym tomorrow morning. I will prepare a healthy dinner and I will call my friends and speak to them without crying. This will become just another blip on the radar and in a few weeks or months or even years when we have our baby, I will be able to look back and say this happened for a reason. Right now I don't know what the reason is but there must be a reason.

I will be okay.