One of 'those' weeks

I've been having one of those weeks. Actually I feel like it has been one of those years
I turned 21 this year and I feel like I am finally an adult.
This is the first year I have felt so in control of my life. Yet it is also the first year that I have felt so out-of-control also.

I have built up a career for myself, a job that I do very well at and enjoy, where there is a career plan in place, and I feel like I have achieved a lot in that part of my life. My marriage to Murray goes from strength to strength, I feel a deep love for him that I previously couldn't imagine. While we have our spats, we haven't had any major fights or arguments. Murray's parents and I have gotten along quite well over the year, I organise my mother-in-law's 50th birthday and I feel like we have a clear understanding between us about where we stand, which is a positive step. Financially, we have our house, our cars, beautiful furniture that we worked hard to pay for, and are doing reasonably well, even with the latest interest rate rises. I have managed to lose 15 kilos over the past six months, which has helped my self-esteem no end in addition to the obvious physical benefits.

Yet despite all of these things, my infertility rises to the top as the one thing that makes me feel out of control.

I have moved sideways to a different job within the same companywith less traveling so that I can be near the clinic for IVF. Murray and I have unspoken issues about our own problems, one example is that Murray has put on weight as a result of emotional eating. I am always on edge when a pregnant belly or pram goes past me. Our financial position is threatened because of the cost of IVF procedures. As it is, our savings are heavily depleted. My self-worth as a woman is lowered by my inability to carry a child. I have been through periods of depression where I could not focus on anything but my infertility, and fell into a deep hole.

Every aspect of my life has changed because of my infertility. Some days I wonder if my life will ever go back to normal.