Blergh

I feel like I'm on the verge of another breakdown. AF arrived today and I've managed not to collapse into a heap just yet but I'm only managing to hang on because a valuer is coming around in an hours time. Trying to gorge myself on chocolate and lots of sleep, didn't go to work, can't be bothered going to the gym. I know I need to go and do something and get out of this funk, but I'm so tired of the world. I'm sick to death of people thinking they know better than me about my infertility.

My sister-in-law doesn't want me as a bridesmaid for her wedding - her 'reason' (I say excuse) is that "you might be pregnant then", not because I could be uncomfortable or not want to do it, but because it would look bad in the photos. Right. And when I said that the likelihood is that I wouldn't be pregnant, because of the low success rate of IVM, I was told that "Well we are being positive for you". Just fuck off. If you don't want me to be a bridesmaid just say so. Just because I had you as my bridesmaid, I never expected to be one back, however considering I am your sister-in-law and we are close, it would proably be a nice curtesy to just let me know what you are planning on doing instead of hearing chinese whispers from the family about how a pregnant bridesmaid would screw up your photos. Nevermind the fact that I probably WONT BE PREGNANT! How's that going to feel for me when I arrive at your wedding without a baby in my arms, without a baby bump, with nothing! Fuck, and now I AM crying. I'm sick of this crap.
I'm sick of infertility being all of me, being the only thing that matters and that takes over my life. I have tried distracting myself, I focused on the gym, I took cooking classes, I concentrated on my work and NOTHING WORKS!

I just want that baby. There is nothing else that can compensate for that. I don't even want to have a life if it doesn't have that in it. I love my husband, I love my family, but my life without a child is nothing and I'm over it.