Next question - is Rebecca a good parent?

Our adoption referees have been contacted and asked to complete a questionnaire about us. About whether we could be good parents or not. I am filled with excitement and fear at the same time.

What if people really don't think we could be good parents? 

What if there are issues that we have never discussed? 

What if they secretly don't think we can do this, but because of our friendship, they wouldn't say something to our face but will write it down instead? 

I know it's crazy thinking, after all we chose our four closest friends, the people we trust the most, who know us the best, to do this for us. As the cover letter says, no parent is perfect, so they are encouraging people to write about the good as well as the not-so-good.

But matter how much I try and convince myself, I am running scared today. 

Deflated

R has decided that she isn't comfortable donating her embryos as a known donation, only anonymously. It took them a long time to make the decision to donate their embryos and they don't want to deal with anymore 'stuff' (eg counselling, quarantine times etc) dealing with it. I do understand where they are coming from, and 100% accept their decision. I just can't help feeling that tiny bit of disappointment, knowing that we may have had a shot at being pregnant and having a baby. Murray was really attached to the idea of embryo donation as well, so am worried about how he will react to the news.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Possibilities arising

I got a very interesting call from my friend B yesterday. B rang to tell me that a friend of hers R who I have met on several occasions (hens night, baby shower etc) is donating her excess embryos to her IVF clinic. R has had two children through IVF and have finished their family and are going to donate their five embryos. They are planning to do so anonymously through the IVF clinic, but B knowing our situation, rang me to let me know.

I have asked her to forward my details to R, just to talk about the possibility of donating straight to a couple rather than anonymously. As I said to B, if she is not interested, and they have chosen to donate anonymously because that is what they would prefer, then that is perfectly fine and I would never hold that against them. But perhaps they haven't though about the option of donating directly, and it would absolutely be something that we would love to do. It may also give them the option of having regular updates and contact with children that result from their embryos.

Without building this up too much in my head, because I know the probability is that we wont receive those embryos, this would be the perfect option for us. I have so much trouble going through the IVF process physically, I don't know if I will get to do another egg collection. Being able to go straight to transfer and missing all the drugs that mess me around as much as they do would be fabulous. It would also be great having a known donor, whether they choose to have contact or not, our children would have a much clearer picture of their identity, coming from knowing their genetic history.

We never pinned our hopes on embryo donation because it is quite rare in Australia and the waiting lists are years long, but I can't help but be a little excited about this!

Whether R takes up the offer to talk to us or not, it is still amazing to see options open up for us like this. It gives me hope that one day we really will be parents. I don't know how or when, but I feel that it is possible, which is the first step.

Posted!

Posted!

Application submitted!

We have finally submitted our adoption application! It has only taken 9 months to get our act together and get it done! We had completed most of the paperwork back in May but somewhere along the line we misplaced Murrays birth certificate and our marriage certificate which we needed certified copies of. So we put it to the side and got distracted with life. Now that we have put treatment to the side for a while to concentrate on our finances, we decided to refocus on getting our adoption stuff sorted.

So yesterday afternoon I searched high and low for the certificates with no luck. However Murray happened to open a file I hadn't looked at and found them straight away! We made a mad dash to get a money order for our police clearance, and a trip to the chemist to get copies of our documents certified, and it is all in the post as of this morning!

Unfortunately we will need to fork out $750 for the assessment of our application, but besides that fee, there is very little else we will need to pay even if and when we are placed with a child.

So here goes - a new stage, something old and new for me to focus my energies on.

Broke flat broke

This is a very difficult post to write for me. We are broke. We have been for a while, but we have a way of living beyond our means, and making it work. Our way of making it work was living on credit. But we have finally realised that have hit the wall and can't keep doing this.

When we first started trying for a baby back in 2006, we were perfectly set up. We had savings in the bank, no credit card debt, a mortgage that was under control. Slowly but steadily we used up our savings, refinanced our mortgage and acquired credit cards. A big chunk of that was for IVF, doctors visits, acupuncture and fertility related treatment, but we also have been on several holidays and live a comfortable life.

Now it has reached the point where we can no longer afford fertility treatment. It hurts to write that down. So we are taking a break. I don't know when we will be able to do it again - it might be six months, it might be a year, maybe even longer. I am hoping that come next March or April we will be in a position to begin IVF again. But for the moment I have to make peace with the fact that I will be left behind. Girlfriends who have that their first child during the time we have been trying, will conceive their second. My sister-in-law will fall pregnant and I will need to cope with the emotions that come with that. In the past I have been able to tell myself that our baby is not far away and that is somewhat comforting. But I can't hold onto that while we aren't doing treatment. Because our child is a long way away. It's not going to happen this year, and it may not happen next year.

We are still pursuing adoption. We had all but decided to let our application expire, but with a lot of prayer, we have decided to continue with the process. I have 95% of our forms complete, and just need a couple of certified documents before we submit them to the government department that looks after adoption. This isn't a quick fix though. While it is great to have something else to concentrate on and put our energies into, we aren't under any illusion that this will bring us our child.

In Western Australia, around 5-10 local babies are adopted each year. At any one time there are around 80 approved couples to adopt those babies, with the number of approved applicants increasing each year. The odds aren't in our favour. While we will continue to pray and hope, we also must also be realistic that adoption is not likely to be the way we complete our family.

I will still be blogging, but there may be longer breaks in between posts. Hopefully you don't get bored of me and stick around, because I have a feeling I am going to need as much support as I can get over this time.

Once again

Only a quick update from me now as I am exhausted! Just got back from a marathon hairdressing appointment to get my perm done again. It's not quite the same as before - way curlier in fact, but hoping it just needs time to settle back into the nice waves I had.

Once again the bleeding a couple of days ago wasn't a real period. It sure felt like one - heavy flow and cramping, but everything just disappeared after one day, rather than my usual 4-5 days. Thanks body, I really needed that right now.

I started back at the gym this week, but I am going to take this slow and steady. Silly me has committed to entering a triathlon with a girlfriend in 6 weeks - there is no way I am going to be ready but no doubt I will do it anyway. Like I said - silly me!

OK off to bed for a nanna nap - will be back later with a more full update - a certain person has aggravated me again (no not Murray!) and I need a good vent!

M y body's epic fail

My body has decided to quite working and I have my period on Day 21. I have no idea what is going on with it, except that clearly it doesn't like me much. That's okay - I don't like my body much either at the moment.

I am back on my health kick - today is day 2 of exercise and eating well and I am feeling exhausted. I know I will get past that feeling and get an energy boost in a week or so, but gee I could really use that right now.

Study week for uni this week thank goodness, so no lectures or hard thinking. My brain has turned to mush, I am being unproductive at work and sleeping my non-working hours away. No sleep in for me tomorrow though, I have to be at Mandurah  at 7am for a toolbox meeting, which means leaving home at 5.45am tomorrow - ouch! Which means off to bed I go...

Night all.

Musings

I have taken up the challenge from the lovely Bec (yes there are two of us - I imagine very confusing for our friends), to answer some questions. Here we go...


1. Do you have any pets? Yes, our 10 month old Beaglier puppy Charlie Hustle - he is our baby!
2. Name 3 things that are physically close to you. My Blackberry, water bottle and a disposable camera from our holiday that I was meant to get developed months ago
3. What’s the weather like right now? It's midnight so cold and dark! But it was a beautiful day
4. Do you drive? If so have you crashed? Yes a Peugeot 307 - never crashed
5. What time did you wake up this morning? 8.30am for Church at 9
6. When was the last time you showered? Last night after painting
7. What was the last movie you saw? Can't remember. Oh yes, it was Matching Jack, an Australian film. Sad but different to my usual genre
8. What does your last text message say? "Hey hon, can't see the picture. Just at church. Don't spend too much money on me k xxx" (Murray sent through a picture of a handbag as he is in Melbourne this week)
9. What’s your ringtone? Depends - Rude Boy by Rihanna for Murray and Telephone by Lady Gaga for everyone else. Actually I may change that tonight!
10. Have you ever been to a different country? Yes - to Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand and Fiji! Love the tropical paradise holidays!
11. Do you like sushi? Yes
12. Where do you buy your groceries? Coles online - love having my shopping delivered to my house
13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Oh how I love thee Temazapam! Not on it at the moment thank goodness, but has been a lifesaver in the past
14. How many siblings do you have? Two younger brothers, 21 & 20
15. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Both, my desktop is in the study, and a little netbook that I got for my birthday which I use around the house and at uni
16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 25!
17. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Nope but I totally wish I had a pair of hot secretary glasses!
18. Do you color your hair? Occasionally
19. Tell me something you are planning to do today. 
Today as in Monday? I guess it is 7 minutes past midnight which makes it a new day. Ummm picking up my husband from the airport!
20. When was the last time you cried? Monday. Cancelled IVF cycle :-(
21. What is your perfect pizza topping? I had the most amazing pizza years ago which was a Thai Red Curry pizza at the Cowaramup Brewery near Margaret River - absolutely yummy
22. Which do you prefer-hamburgers or cheeseburgers? Mcdonalds cheeseburger all the way
23. Have you ever had an all-nighter? Yes.
24. What is your eye color? Blue
25. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke? Yup

NOW - I totally tag all of you to do this!


And that's it for me, it's just gone midnight and luckily tomorrow is a Public Holiday so no work! Yippee! I also get my husband back! Murray and his sister went on holiday to Melbourne for the week and I have been on my lonesome, but it has actually been quite nice having time to myself, pull myself together.

I have started thinking about a major life change. My weight has ballooned out once again. It is completely my fault, I have excuse after excuse, but that it all they are - excuses. My girlfriend Bec (the same one who tagged me) had a gastric sleeve operation done earlier this year. and I am starting to think seriously about having the operation done. One of the recommendations is that you don't try and get pregnant for at least a year, preferably two years after the surgery which obviously would be hard. But I need something different, and I feel my weight is interfering in my life - both with IVF and more generally.  I don't know, just an idea at this stage.

I have also decided to submit our adoption paperwork this week. We had filled in the paperwork and put it to the side because we wanted to have an embryo transfer before we made a decision to pursue adoption. I think I am ready to do this now though. A chance conversation about an acquaintance who adopted locally has really opened my heart and eyes, and I want to give it a try. Am worried our finances and Murray's dodgy medical report will hinder us, but we can only try.

So we keep on keeping on I guess.

Where to from here?

Not much to update, I am once again on an enforced break, unable to control my body, my fertility. I am okay, in fact I am doing a lot better than I thought would be possible. Murray left last night on a mini holiday with his sister to Melbourne, so I am on my own for the next five nights. I thought it would be hard, but already the space has allowed me to process my thoughts and just be me for a while without having to worry about anyone else. It's actually quite healing just spending time with our puppy, doing lots of reading - no TV or arguing over dinner. Just me and my thoughts. Dangerous yet soothing. I know there will be a point sometime soon where I will need to cry and vent, but for now I am okay.

Day 12 - All over

As predicted, my cycle was cancelled this afternoon. My estrogen finally kicked in and went back up to 1500 but my follicles hadn't grown much at all. My primary follicle was at 24mm, but the next biggest was 13 with some at 9 and 8, and plenty of small ones at 6mm. The nurses said that I could trigger and do a timed intercourse cycle but Murray is going to Melbourne tomorrow so the timing would be off, and we know the likelihood of it working isn't worth the heartache. So it's over. Again.

I have left a message for my doctor to call me tomorrow about a change in protocol. I'm thinking that I might try a flare cycle with Lucrin injections, and hopefully he will consider moving my gonal-f dose to 150iu to see if that makes a difference. Which means starting all over again in November, as the clinic always wants a rest cycle in between treatment cycles. I don't bother fighting that any more, I realise that I need it for my sanity more than I realise.

I'm hurting but surviving. I have some beautiful friends who have helped me through today, distracting me and providing good loving.Thank you, you know who you are.

Day 10 - lowering the bar

My estrogen is down to 950 and I am distraught. I don't know what to do. My dr wants me to come in for another scan and bloodtest on Monday, but told the nurses that there it is a possibility that this cycle will be cancelled. I just don't know why my body is doing and what I can do to make a difference. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this again if the cycle is cancelled
Sent via BlackBerry® from Vodafone