A bit better

Things went a bit better at work today. My boss took me aside for half an hour to talk to me about our meeting yesterday. She said that she knew I was disappointed and upset and that she came off harsh in the meeting. She tried to butter me up a bit about what a fantastic job I'm doing and how important I am to the branch etc etc. In other words she is sh*t scared of me walking out and not having anyone to do my job - surprise, surprise. I did appreciate it though, I was ready to call in sick this morning, I was so upset over everything.

We are still looking at the possibility of moving overseas in 2009 though. I would love to move to the US but the economy doesn't look too strong there at the moment with lots of people losing their jobs - not the best time to be looking for work. Dubai is good for jobs but it is a big culture shock. Gwen suggested Singapore which would be wonderful but Oh. My. Goodness - how expensive is rent there! The other thing about moving overseas that we need to consider is that while I am only 22 and young enough to start over when I get back to Australia, Murray turns 30 next year and it may not be so easy for him to do that. Luckily teaching isn't that competitive and it shouldn't be too big an issue, but still something to consider I guess.

On the IVF front, I'm still taking Progynova and hanging out until next Monday for my first lot of bloods and scan to see how I'm going. I'm happy enough at this point that we are doing a single embryo transfer, but if there are any issues with thawing the embryos, I reserve the right to change my mind!

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

And I was right…

I was called into my bosses office today and told that they would feel 'uncomfortable' if I started uni because my project is too big, and I already get migraines and am doing IVF and that is too much pressure and cant support me doing uni this semester.

It was also reinforced that although my boss 'knows that I do the hours', the perception is that I come in late to the office all the time and don’t work back enough etc. I am *this* close to standing up at our next team meeting and telling the world that "I am doing IVF, thank you for your concern but I am well and truly meeting my hours at work". I know a few people would be shocked - not by the IVF but that it is a confrontational thing to do and I am not a confrontational person, but I am at the point where I have really had enough. Not with the work that I do - that doesn't stress me out. What stresses me is the lack of understanding and real leadership in the branch. My boss thinks she knows everyone better than they know themselves and the truth is she doesn't!

I also got told that I am too 'up and down' in the office. She admitted that I have never 'bitten anyones head off like other people in the branch', but somedays Im really smiley and others Im not. Great. So not only do I not work hard enough, I'm not perky enough. Shoot me now.

Murray and I are considering moving to Dubai in January. Has anyone been to Dubai before or lived and worked overseas? We have been thinking about Dubai in particular because number 1 - tax free dollars! But also there is a heavy focus on education which will make it easier for Murray to get a teaching job. But there is so much research that I need to do! Like can I get a job there? What IVF clinics do they have and how much do they cost? What hospital facilities do they have? Are there lots of other ex-pats living there? Can you travel around easily? So many questions!

Getting the creative juices flowing

So I totally suck at the whole keeping a secret from people. I had a group of girlfriends over for my birthday on Saturday night and everyone kept asking when we would be trying again so I told them. Yes I caved - so much for my grand plan of having a surprise!

I can't believe it is Sunday night again and I am back to work tomorrow morning. Work hasn't been the most pleasant of places for me to be lately. I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy with the current situation. It's hard to explain - I love the actual work that I do, but something is not right in the office. I'm not happy with management, and perhaps it's my own insecurities but I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough for my boss. I have applied for another job within my organisation but I haven't heard back about it yet. I'm not sure that I will even take the job if it is offered to me, but I needed to do something. I have had more migraines in the past month than I have had in the past year combined, and I think stress has been the trigger. Thankfully I haven't had one in the past week (touch wood) but I need to do everything in my power to prevent having a reoccurence, not least because of how it will affect our chances with IVF.

On another note, I have decided that next weekend I am going to start working on my book. I know the likelihood of me finishing the book is probably a pipe dream and I know as a certainty that it will never be published unless I do a DIY job AND I totally suck as a writer! For my own sanity though, I am going to give it a go. I've started to think about what chapters I want to write about. Over the past year I have collect so many infertility and IVF books and still haven't found one that says exactly what I want it to say.

My favourite book so far has been 'Making Babies' by Theresa Miller. I loved reading each persons story with their own personal struggle to achieve the thing they want most. One of the most fascinating things for me was reading a story from the point of view of one of the first 'test tube' babies.

So what do I want my book to say? That everybody's journey is different? Be positive? I think the one thing that I want to get across the most is that whatever it is you are feeling, it is okay. It is okay to be super optimistic one day and crying your heart out the next. You are allowed to grieve for lost opportunities, lost children. Whatever it is- allow yourself the luxury of being true to yourself.

If you were reading a book on infertility, what is it you would want to read?

Trying again

My period arrived this afternoon so we are about to embark on the next stage of our journey. I have started taking Progynova to increase my hormone levels and thicken my endometrium lining in preparation for a frozen embryo transfer in the coming weeks. My first clinic appointment isn't until August 4, and the transfer will be done sometime in the week after that, all things being equal. But they are never equal, are they...

I am suprisingly calm about starting again. We have decided that we aren't going to tell anyone about this cycle. I just don't want the pressure of peoples expectations on me, then it's not just me who gets disappointed, but everyone around me. I want to try and stay positive, keep up my exercise, and stay 'present' in my normal life.

The other reason for not telling people is that I want to regain some surprise into this whole thing. A close friend of mine recently announced that she is 14 weeks pregnant. While we will be announcing our pregnancy earlier than that should we be blessed, I would really love that element of surprise and elation. Maybe I'm reaching for the stars a bit but it's worth a try.

Happy birthday to me...

Yep I am 22 today. Wow!

Back to reality

Just a short post as I'm too tired from my first day back at work to write much, but we are back from our winter get away to Exmouth and had a fantastic time. Although please never let me commit to that big a driving trip again! For my US friends, although Exmouth is only half way up the state of Western Australia, the drive is the equivalent of driving from New York to Iowa - on some pretty nasty roads!

We had a wonderful time away, besides the two day drive to get there, we went to the beach lots, the weather was perfect - 26 degrees without a cloud in the sky every day. We even got sunburnt! We went on an all day tour to visit the Cape Range National Park and I was lucky enough to go snorkelling on the Ningaloo Reef at Turquoise Bay which was incredible! We spent lazy days just relaxing by the hotel pool and eating yummy food. It was nice to spend some quality time with Murray, just the two of us away from the rest of the world.

And now for some pictures!

A photo of us :-)


Charles Knife Gorge
An amazing sight to see. Apparently there have been a number of tsunamis over the years that have filled these canyons with water - how scary!

Coral Bay
Lookout just outside of town - how beautiful does the water look!

Shell Beach, Coral Bay
My gorgeous hubby enjoying the sunset
This beach is made completely of white shells

Mini Golf!
Murray and I have a tradition that on all our getaways we play a game with a very sexy wager - this time a full body massage with extras *nudge* Luckily we one one game each on our trip!

Tantabiddi Beach

Murray relaxing before our glassbottom boat cruise

Tantabiddi Beach
Sunset at the end of our day tour

Yardie Creek
An ancient canyon filled with water

Osprey Bay
We stopped to have lunch here and Murray had a dip with some new-found friends

A while between drinks

I seem to become such a boring person when I'm not cycling! I just don't feel compelled to blog, my whole life feels like it revolved around fertility treatments sometimes.

I fought really hard with the clinic to try and let me do the frozen embryo transfer this cycle but they were adamant that I needed the month off. I think deep down I knew that but once I start treatments it is so hard to stop. It's quite silly really, each break that we have had has been so helpful and therapeautic for me, so I should appreciate the time to heal.

I think I have moved past the pain from last cycle, having our embryos frozen has definitely helped me get my head around everything. I'm currently on CD 16 so hopefully in a couple of weeks we will start our HRT FET. I have filled my Progynova script and gotten progesterone pessaries in anticpation of beginning the next cycle. By the way - anyone have experience with the pessaries? Looks like I am going to be using 400mg pessaries, three times a day. I've only ever used crinone gel before so I'm not too sure what to expect.

Work is absolutely crazy at the moment. I have been working on a major project, launching a new initiative corporation wide and have had to work around some really tight deadlines. It's a great project but there is so much work to do and just not enough time to get it done which is adding a lot of stress on my shoulders. I went into work this morning with the plan to stay late and get a whole heap of stuff done, but almost the moment I walked into the office, I got a migraine and had to go and lie down in the bosses office away from all the noise and lights of the office. So that completely knocked me out for the day - one less day that I can work on getting the project up and running.

Murray and I are also going on holiday next week! We have had it booked for six months, before all our money troubles and before I started working on this project. In terms of work, the timing couldnt possibly be worse as it takes a week out of my preparation time for the project, but I am looking forward to getting away with just Murray and chilling out. We are off to Exmouth (North Western Australia) with a sunny winter temperature of around 28 degrees everyday, much better than the 10 degrees it was here the other day!

So no updates for me probably until Murrays birthday on July 12! I will leave you with a picture of gorgeous Exmouth! Wish you were here!

Nothing to report

I have my period and am a grumpy bitch. Nothing out of the ordinary really. I have spent the last three days of my life at a conference for work which I really could have done without. I rang the clinic and begged to start our FET this cycle but they refused. Apparently my body needs a break from all the drugs. Fuckers. Like they know what my body needs. I do know that we need a cash injection though and quickly. We have spent all of our cash on IVF and I honestly don't know how we are going to make our mortgage payment this week. I think Murray and I need to have a serious sit down to decide whether or not we can afford to keep our house.

Feeling much better

I am finally feeling like myself again, today is the first day that I haven't needed to medicate myself to get out of bed in the morning. Definitely a big achievement for me! All my OHSS symptoms have dissipated, besides the endless trips to the toilet of course!

My bloating has subsided dramatically, I am still two kilos heavier than when I started but I'm not too concerned with that. My body has been knocked around a fair bit with the bloating. I imagine this is what it looks like after a pregnant woman has a baby, my skin is all floppy and gross which is depressing because I have worked so hard over the past year to really get myself into shape. Murray keeps telling me that it doesn't matter and that I should focus on getting better, but he's not the one whose body is fcuking up. Oh well, I'm feeling better which is the main thing.

I'm really nervous about going back to work tomorrow. Last week was an incredibly busy week and with me being out of action, I know it caused a fair bit of drama at work. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, I was sick, there was nothing I could do. But yet I still feel guilty.

Something else to feel guilty about, we had to borrow $2000 off Murray's parents so that we can pay our IVF bill. We thought we had more money free on our credit card but apparently we don't and we didn't have enough to pay for our IVF treatment. Fun. Well I guess not many people have a spare $8000 lying around to make the upfront payment. We will get a big portion of that back from Medicare and my private health insurance thank goodness, I don't know how people manage to keep going back to do this. The FET in August is a lot cheaper, the nurse I spoke to at the clinic said that it is only $2050 upfront plus some extra drug costs like pessaries (around $100) and progynova (quite cheap). We will get a big chunk of that back with the Medicare Safety Net (Thank God for the safety net - it has been a lifesaver this year!) so we should only be out of pocket around $500 at the most - finally some good news!

On a completely different note, I am feeling really close to my husband at the moment. Murray has really been there for me in the last week through everything that happened. Sometimes I make fun of his weaknesses, he is a worrywart and a panicker by nature, but he really came through for me this week and I really appreciate it. Maybe it's because I am off all the hormone altering drugs, but I feel really close to him at the moment. Tonight we are off to the movies to watch Sex and the City, yes I know, a chick flick! But I was meant to go and see it on Wednesday with my girlfriends when I was really sick so Murray is taking me out tonight, we are going to La Premiere! Which means free popcorn and coke and food service - yummo!

My OHSS experience

I finally have a chance to sit down and write about what has been going on over the last couple of days - it has been absolutely crazy.

On Sunday as you know, our transfer was cancelled due to OHSS and I was feeling really sick. I couldn't keep any food or water down all day and finally around midnight we decided to head to the emergency department at SJOG Murdoch. Luckily we were seen straight away and hooked up to a drip. Unfortunately the doctors knew very little about IVF and it's complications, I spent the time in between throwing up, explaining to the doctor exactly what hyperstimulation was, and trying to convince the nurses that "No, I don't have gastro!". I was weighed in at 102kg at this point (98.5kg before EPU).

I was put on a drip and given some morphine to knock me out while the doctors tried to get in touch with my clinic. Unfortunately I got a bad migraine from the morphine which made it impossible to sleep and just added to my pain. By Monday morning, my nausea was still out of control so I was transferred to Bethesda hospital in Claremont which is where my clinic is based. My specialist was able to come up and look me over when I arrived and organised for full fluid checks to be done, some decent anti-nausea medication given and a new drip put in. I had to be weighed and my girth measured daily to keep track of how I was going. As of Monday I weighed 104kg, 2kg more than the previous night and 4.5kg more than before the EPU.

Tuesday morning I wake up feeling a lot better nausea-wise but stomach still in a lot of pain. I weighed in at 108kg Tuesday morning,a four kilo gain on the previous day and now 9.5kg all up gained. I stayed on medication all day but by night time my urine and blood results were dramatically improved.

Woke up this morning and my nausea has completely gone, THANK GOODNESS!! I can handle pain okay (yeah, I'm kinda a wuss but I can do it) but I can not handle throwing up, it freaks me out big time. Urine and blood samples came back even better so time to get weighed again. Today's weight? 111kg!! I have put on 12.5kg in 8 days. No wonder I feel like such a beached whale! Despite the increased fluid gain, I was allowed to be released from hospital this morning on the condition that the moment I start feeling sick I call the clinic or the hospital, and I drink at least 3 litres of fluid a day. I will need to keep track of my weight over the next couple of days as well. My waist measurement is currently 22cm bigger than it was eight days ago - what a disgrace!

The biggest issue now is that the fluid is so heavy, it makes it really hard for me to breathe. I can't lay down on my back, I have to sleep in a half-sitting position which is terribly uncomfortable but I least I can breathe with it. I get breathless just speaking to people normally, which is quite upsetting.

I am hoping that I have turned the corner with my OHSS experience, I can honestly say that it is one of the most horrible things I have done and I do not plan on ever going through it again. Once we use all of our frozen embryos, I think I will need to be convinced pretty strongly to put my body through the stimulated cycle process again.

Which on the topic of frozen embryos - we have four blastocysts on ice! Or in our case they have been vitrified, whatever that means!?! My doctor wants me to have a cycle in between to let my body recover from the OHSS which I am happy to do as the next month at work is going to be crazy busy. I am currently on Day 3 of 10 Provera tablets, at the end of which I will have a bleed apparently.

OK I have just read back and realised this post is a bit of a jumble but the short version is, after an interesting couple of days in hospital with OHSS, I am back home and okay - Oh and we have four frosties!

No transfer... again

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a permanent state of dejavu.

No transfer. Again.

OHSS is too bad, the clinic did a scan and my ovaries are huge and I have fluid everywhere in my abdomen and chest. Have been throwing up all day, can't keep any food or water down which is fun.

Murray wants to take me to hospital tonight, I've been resisting as I haven't thrown up for an hour or so, but when it starts again we will head there.

The scary thing is that the specialists say the worst day for OHSS is day seven and I am only on day five. I don't know how I'm going to keep going if this gets any worse :(

I haven't even allowed myself to think about not having an embryo inside me. I'm too sick to concentrate on anything but that. For the moment, that is all I can handle. I will defer my pain at yet another fucked up cycle to another day where I don't want to throw my guts up.

All fun and games

Yep I have OHSS. And as per my previous post - it sucks hard. I have put on 12cm around my stomach, 5cm around my abdomen and 4 kilos in the four days since my egg collection. I still can't walk without wincing from the pain and have constant nausea. I rang the clinic this morning about the nausea and bloating (OK so maybe I didn't tell them all my symptoms...) and they told me to keep drinking lots of water, at least three litres a day, and to drink some protein shakes in addition to that to keep up my strength. I'm scared of the transfer tomorrow, I really want to go ahead with it but once the clinic see how big my stomach has gotten, I don't know what they'll do. Honest to god, I look like I am five months pregnant. Will update tomorrow morning, hopefully with some better news.