So I totally suck at the whole keeping a secret from people. I had a group of girlfriends over for my birthday on Saturday night and everyone kept asking when we would be trying again so I told them. Yes I caved - so much for my grand plan of having a surprise!
I can't believe it is Sunday night again and I am back to work tomorrow morning. Work hasn't been the most pleasant of places for me to be lately. I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy with the current situation. It's hard to explain - I love the actual work that I do, but something is not right in the office. I'm not happy with management, and perhaps it's my own insecurities but I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough for my boss. I have applied for another job within my organisation but I haven't heard back about it yet. I'm not sure that I will even take the job if it is offered to me, but I needed to do something. I have had more migraines in the past month than I have had in the past year combined, and I think stress has been the trigger. Thankfully I haven't had one in the past week (touch wood) but I need to do everything in my power to prevent having a reoccurence, not least because of how it will affect our chances with IVF.
On another note, I have decided that next weekend I am going to start working on my book. I know the likelihood of me finishing the book is probably a pipe dream and I know as a certainty that it will never be published unless I do a DIY job AND I totally suck as a writer! For my own sanity though, I am going to give it a go. I've started to think about what chapters I want to write about. Over the past year I have collect so many infertility and IVF books and still haven't found one that says exactly what I want it to say.
My favourite book so far has been 'Making Babies' by Theresa Miller. I loved reading each persons story with their own personal struggle to achieve the thing they want most. One of the most fascinating things for me was reading a story from the point of view of one of the first 'test tube' babies.
So what do I want my book to say? That everybody's journey is different? Be positive? I think the one thing that I want to get across the most is that whatever it is you are feeling, it is okay. It is okay to be super optimistic one day and crying your heart out the next. You are allowed to grieve for lost opportunities, lost children. Whatever it is- allow yourself the luxury of being true to yourself.
If you were reading a book on infertility, what is it you would want to read?
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