Jen over at Maybe if you just relax made a post about the different sizes of clothes in her wardrobe and how they reflected on her life through infertility. Maybe it's because I am drunk (actually quite possibly because I am drunk), this has really resonated with me.
When I met my husband, I was a size 14 (US size 10 - god I wish I lived in the US!). I had just lost a bit of weight and was really happy with who I was.
By the time I got married, I was a size 18, (US 14) but was fine with my weight loss, because I was happy with myself. I was getting married to the most wonderfuly person in the world, and I didn't give a damn that I wasn't the perfect size 10. My husband loved me and thats all that mattered.
Then after two years of marriage, I hit a size 20 (size 16 US). It devastated me. We had been trying for a baby for a year, and I wasn't stressed about being bigger than other people because, god damn it, I was going to have a baby and it didn't matter how big you got when you were pregnant. Whenever I have done infertility treatment, I have put on at least 5 kilos, but once again I convinced myself it didn't matter, because I would be pregnant at the end of it. '
Of course that never happened, as you well know. Now I am back to a size 18, (US 14) and slowly working myself back down to my orginal size 14 size. I am trying to convince myself that there are other things in life other than having children and being infertile, but it is so difficult.
My fluctuating waist line is only one of a million things that reminds me of my infertility.
I can completely feel for ya in this area of life. I was a size 8 when I got married, and I am now an 18 sometimes pushing 20. I have a billion pairs of jeans in all different sizes. It most def reflects where I have been considering infertility for the past years.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting me at my new blog! I'm so glad I've finally joined the world of IF-blogging. It's really nice to share with others who understand what we're going through.
ReplyDeleteI can totally identify with you here...but I didn't even really realize this is what was happening till I read your post! Most of my friends gained weight after marriage, but I didn't until about a year and a half afterwards...which I now realize coincides with when I started getting worried about not having any BFPs yet. I kept telling myself it didn't matter, b/c I'd have to gain weight while pregnant anyway...now I've got an extra 20 lbs. and no baby. Maybe I better go put the M&Ms away...lol...
I can so relate to this Bec! I have like 3 different stacks of clothes in my closet. My skinny clothes, medium clothes, and fat clothes. It sucks!
ReplyDeleteHappy Bologversary!!
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