Google Reader

First let me say that Google Reader is my friend. It's so cool to be able to know immediately when a friend has updated their blog, saving me from endless visits to websites when they might not update for a week (like I often do - sorry guys!)

However today I have spent the better part of the morning culling my blog list. I used to read close to 90 blogs and have now brought that number down to 40. I did it for a number of reasons, but I guess the main one is self-preservation. So many of the women that were going through the same thing as me when I joined the blogging world have now moved on to fall pregnant and have children. I don't begrudge them for that because, hell - that's what we all want to happen! And I'm so glad it happened for them. But especially reading those bloggers that I'm not as close to, and hearing about the wonderful things their babies are doing - well it just seems like I'm a glutton for punishment.

Don't worry, I'm not going to start ignoring you all. Fact is, if you've commented on my blog, you're not the one that I'm talking about.

OK if that wasn't the most roundabout blog I've written, i don't know what is. Let's just finish by saying I love you guys and I don't think I would have gotten through the last 18 months without all of your support. It has been amazing :)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope that you all had wonderful days spent with those that you love the most.

It is days like today that I treasure being married to a truly wonderful person. The joy of waking up with somebody you love and feeling them against your body, drawing them in for a hug and then holding hands while walk to the Christmas tree - it makes me want to keep going. Not just trying for a baby, but it gives me a purpose in life, even if sometimes that purpose gets cloudy and hard to see.

My hcg levels are back to zero. Im not sure if we will do our FET next cycle, I am going to rest and wait to see how I feel. For now I want to enjoy spending precious time with Murray.

My weekend

We went to see Alicia Keys in concert on Saturday night which was really lovely. It was 18+ only at a winery which was nice to be in adult company and not be consumed with thoughts of children and babies. It rained a little bit but we came prepared with ponchos and a sleeping bag for over our heads! We decided to get regular tickets which meant we were a mile away from the stage, but it was still a great experience and I felt really lucky to be spending time with my husband.

Being the first time I have been able to drink in a long time (not in a treatment cycle or TWW), I decided to live it up and drank the better part of two bottles of Sauvignon Blanc Semillon. Unfortunately at 4am the next morning, I paid for that with a messy trip to the bathroom... no details necessary!

Some photos from our night out :-)

Us enjoying our night out

A rainbow after it stopped raining.


Jordin Sparks performing as the support act - great voice and really down to earth.

Christmas and other stuff

I have been doing okay this last couple of days. It's been very up and down, but we have managed to get through it. I am still very sad but it does get slightly easier each day. My blood test was on Friday and my hcg is down to 16 but they want to monitor me until I get to zero, so I have another blood test on Christmas Eve. I'm still bleeding but the cramping has died off thank goodness.

Christmas is turning out to be really hard. Tonight we went to Carols by Candlelight and there were gorgeous kids everywhere, running around being, well, kids I suppose. And we had afternoon tea with my best friend, her husband and their beautiful daughter. Yesterday we gave our christmas presents to my nieces and nephew and I just wanted to take them home with me and shower them with love. They are all so excited about Christmas being around the corner, and I want to be excited about that with my children.

It is so much hard work to keep myself together when I am around babies and children at the moment. Today I lost my temper at Murray for making a crude joke while at a friends house. Usually I would have laughed it off, but because I am putting all my energy into protecting my heart with children around, I don't have the capacity to also laugh at jokes and have a sense of humour, or to have conversation beyond a superficial level, or really just be a good friend and wife.


We decided that we wanted to remember our lost baby by doing something, and so we bought these two figurines from the Willow Tree range. They are the Angel of Healing (to the right) and Promise. It's just a little reminder for both of us of what we have had (the pregnancy), and we still have - each other.

Gone

Our baby made it to six weeks before leaving us this morning.

Physically I am in a lot of pain, much more than what I expected. I am passing large clots which is unusual for me, but I haven't taken anything for the pain, I guess I want to feel it happening, at least then I really know that it is over.

Emotionally, I am trying to deal with a broken heart. I don't feel like Murray understands at all. He is hurting, I can tell that, but he is able to live like normal whereas I can't. This affects every part of me and my life. I get so angry that he isn't falling apart like I am. Doesn't it kill him that this is happening?

Thoughts

I really never thought that I would be in this position. To know that you are pregnant and to also know that you will not be having a child from that pregnancy - it is heartbreaking.

My beta today was 44 which is an increase on Thursday, but not high enough for the pregnancy to be viable. I have been directed to stop my HRT meds and wait to miscarry naturally. My next blood test is on Friday to see how my levels are going and if any intervention is required.

I have been having what I think is morning sickness - terrible nausea when I go to bed and wake up in the morning through until lunch time. To have that feeling that I would do anything for, but then knowing that you are only kidding yourself, that you wont be pregnant for long.

My heart goes out to all women who have ever experienced a loss. I have always felt sympathy, but never truly understood. Now I think I am starting to get an idea.

21

My beta was 21. I am pregnant but it wont last.

Apparently they have never had a successful pregnancy from a beta of 21 before, 26 yes but not 21. I have a repeat blood test on Monday to check if my levels are going down or if they need to do something about it. Feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I can't breathe. I was prepared for a negative result but not this.

Guessing game

Why do I do it to myself. Just tested negative at 7dp5dt. Murray is devastated. I'm frustrated. What else can I do?

2ww update

So today marks 4dp5dt or 9dpo. I have zero symptoms which I have to decided to take as a good sign, after every other transfer I have had bad cramping. I'm feeling a bit better than I thought I would be at this point with all the stress around me. I guess the thought that we still do have one embryo left, even if we can't afford to use it!, is comforting. I am just blocking out the drama with my brother until I feel ready to deal with it. There is no point upsetting myself over something that I have no control over.

I have been keeping up my acupuncture which I hope will make the difference this time round. I had a session in the morning before my transfer, then on Saturday and today. I also have two more sessions booked for Thursday and Saturday. The place I go to is quite expensive, but I feel that they really know what they are doing, and hopefully.

One thing I do need to watch is over-doing it. Even though I am not exercising or going to the gym, I have been doing a lot of running around at work and a heap of housework at home. I am trying to calm myself down and take it easy, but life continues on I guess, whether you like it or not.

I have only 8 working days left until I am holidays which I am really looking forward to. My Christmas tree is up, all the presents are wrapped, labelled and under the tree, my Christmas cards have been sent, and Im making my final arrangements for present swapping brunches in the lead up to the big day.

Should this cycle not work, I think Christmas is going to be the hardest thing to deal with. I remember being upset last Christmas, telling my Mum how badly I wanted to have our child and share the day as a family, and my Mum said 'Don't worry, by next Christmas you will at least be pregnant', both of us thinking that IVF would be our silver bullet. Now that day rolls around once again, and I dream about the way I want to be able to do certain things, like preparing stockings with lollies and gifts, and reading the Nativity story before we open presents. I have all of these plans and ideas for every part of my childs life.

Transfer

I'm feeling really drained this afternoon, so Im heading off to bed after this for a nap. We had our transfer done this morning but they would only let us transfer one blastocyst after all.

When they rang to say that one had defrosted well, I questioned why both hadn't been thawed. Apparently there was nothing on my file about transferring two so she rang my doctor who said that she was "uncomfortable" with me transferring two embryos because of my age. We came straight into the clinic after that and I requested to speak to somebody about it, so a nurse and Steve came in and we expressed our concerns. I had made it clear to the nurse weeks earlier that I wanted to do a double embryo transfer, the nurse even gave me the stupid consent forms for it! But my doctor didnt agree. We dont have any contact with our specialist unless we physically book a consultation with her which takes weeks to get into, so how was I meant to talk directly to her about it? We are meant to give all our information to the nurses! I meet their criteria for a double transfer as I have had three failed transfers, even they admitted that.

Anyway, I was really upset so they spoke to my doctor again and explained what was happening, and she refused to let me have two transferred, so we were forced to transfer just one of our blastocysts.

I'm not so upset about transferring one, because I know that it can work for other people. I'm upset that I had built this up in my head and once again their communication sucks and I'm the one who has to deal with the emotions of it all. I'm tired of doing treatment, I'm tired of being infertile, I'm doing of being so emotional.

I am really struggling with the physical strength needed to get through these cycles. My moods are all over the place, even within an hour I can swing from being horrible to super friendly, then flighty and back to moody again. The pessaries and crinone are making my life a nightmare downstairs. Exercise is my natural mood lifter and I cant even do that in the two week wait for fear of impacting implantation.

I really thought that I would have the determination and strength and courage to keep going until we had a live baby in our arms, but I'm really starting to question that now.

I had some acupuncture this morning before my transfer and I tried to use some visualisation techniques, imagine our life with a baby and it growing up through life. I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon so hopefully it helps relax me a bit more.

I just don't need all of this stress on my shoulders. The schock of my brother having another child, juxtaposed against our situation really hurts.

Great

My fears are confirmed.
Alicia is 14 weeks pregnant.
And they are engaged.

Fuck.

what now...

I may be reading too much into this (please tell me if I am) but does this sound like my brothers 20 year old girlfriend (sorry FIANCE according to facebook!) is pregnant with her FOURTH CHILD!

"i love that christmas is family time, that our kids always see the magic of christmas when you make it speacial for them & the fact that you think your getting away with picking another baby name. huh!"

I hope this is just some stupid throwaway line because I am not going through this again.

Facebook crazed

So I have succumbed to the facebook craze. I resisted for a looooong time, but I gave in and I am so totally hooked! I am up to about 70 friends I think, mainly workmates, family and some old high school friends who I havent seen for years. I've even found kids that I went to primary school with which is a complete spin out. What I think is even more amazing than the people who you find, is the connections between people - the 'mutual friends' function.

People that go to my gym know people that I work with, while a kid that I was in Year 7 with 600km away is friends with a close girlfriend of mine. It just proves what a small world this really is.

Had my BT and scan today at the clinic, endo lining is 9.3mm which is fine, so I will start taking pessaries tomorrow. They have been upped to 3 a day and apparently, unless I can find somewhere to lie down for 20 minutes during my lunch break, I need to do them rectally!!! I am completely grossed out, Im sure many people do it but just not me! Gah - something that I will need to gear myself up for I guess.

Transfer is booked for next Friday and Murray is going to try and take the day off work so he can come along, considering it is our last attempt for the immediate future. My doctor will be Dr Mike Aitken who was going to do my transfer on my fresh IVF cycle, he seemed nice enough, so at least it is not a stranger doing the transfer. I also was given some new consent forms to sign, in addition to one which listed the dangers of doing a double transfer. Seriously, do they think I'm stupid or something??? I'm trying to fit as much exercise as I can between now and Friday, because after that I am going to be taking it super easy. God, I just want this baby to stick!

Anyway, its a Friday night so I am off to snuggle with my husband, but if you feel the urge to facebook with me - the email address is murraynbec@optusnet.com.au - but make sure you include a message to say who you are - one of my favourite things I have done of late is to ignore those annoying people from school that you would quite gladly never speak to again!

Our Story

Murray and I were married in November 2005 and decided to wait six months before we started trying for a baby. I was so immensely clucky at the time, and although Murray had a few reservations about trying to conceive so early in our marriage, he was happy for us to see what happened. I had my contraceptive implant removed in June 2006 and that was the beginning of what we now know to be a long journey!

Unfortunately my cycles were all over the place, and by January 2007 I knew that something wasn't quite right with my body. I saw my GP who ran some tests, which found that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My cycles were all over the place, I had insulin resistance, was obese and had the textbook 'string of pearls' on my ovaries. A quick semen analysis also confirmed that Murray had very low sperm motility - around 3 to 5 percent, when the normal parameters are over 60%

With all of that information, we were referred to a fertility specialist, Doreen Yeap, at Fertility Specialists WA, a relatively new clinic in Perth. Doreen recommended that we use IVF to try and get pregnant but there was something I needed to do first. I weighed over 120kg at the time and I needed to get my BMI below 35 before the clinic was willing to treat me. That meant I had to put a huge effort into exercising and eating right, and doing everything within my power to get the weight off. I managed to lose 12 kilos in three months, and so we started our IVF journey.

Our first cycle was a disaster - I started on a really low FSH dose and understimulated, leading to the cycle being cancelled. It was so overwhelmingly devastating to do all of the injections, get it into your head that this will get you pregnant, only to have it cancelled on you.

We then moved onto an 'innovative' or experimental treatment called In Vitro Maturation where your ovaries aren't stimulated as much to avoid OHSS. Our first cycle was unsuccesful, and our second IVM cycle resulted in no embryos making it to blastocyst stage.

We then headed back to traditional IVF, but I ended up with severe ovarian hyperstimulation and in hospital for three nights. As a result all of our embryos were frozen for later use. We did four seperate frozen embryo transfers with two negative results, one bio-chemical pregnancy and then - BINGO! A positive result - we were pregnant!!! The moment we had been waiting for had arrived and we were thrilled. But from the beginning the beta results were low and at our first obstretician appointment, the baby had no heartbeat. Our little Vanilla wasn't going to come into this world and I had a D&C.

After a break we tried IVF again only to have no embryos make it to blastocyst once again. We decided to try one last attempt at IVF, and this time transferred two embryos on Day 3 to make sure that we didn't lose them all before blastocyst stage. Unfortunately this was also a negative result.

Murray had a SCSA test done before our last IVF attempt which came back with more devastating news. Not only was Murray's sperm motility worse (Zero percent motility), but there was also significant DNA fragmentation and damage - 35% - which meant that our likelihood of falling pregnant using Murray's DNA was highly unlikely.

We have decided as a couple that we can raise children aren't necessarily biologically our own, and whether that means using donor sperm or following the adoption path, our mutual desire to be parents outweighs any need for a genetic connection.

We were on the waiting list from January 2010 and in April we received the call that we were at the top of the list! We chose our sperm donor to continue down the IVF path and began cycle #11 at Concept. Unfortunately my hormone levels rose too high too fast and we had to cancel the cycle before my egg collection. Another attempt at IVF resulted in my hormone levels once again went crazy and the cycle was cancelled.

In February 2011, I underwent Ovarian Drilling to help regulate my cycles and hopefully stop my hormones from going crazy during IVF cycles. We were also approached by a work mate who offered to be our donor for our next IVF cycle.

We finally got to egg collection in the second half of 2011, but although the eggs fertilised, they didn't divide, leaving us with no embryos to transfer. We tried two rounds of donor IUI at the end of 2011 just to throw something different in the mix, but both were unsuccessful.Then we tried a couple of donor embryo cycles which were also unsuccessful.

We also applied to adopt locally in Western Australia, however we were dealt a huge blow, as they  there is a BMI limit for prospective adoptive parents and I was over that weight limit. At that stage we were rejected from proceeding further with the process.

I had gastric sleeve surgery in September 2012 and lost over 50kg which was the start of changing my life. We re-applied for adoption and were approved for local adoption in WA in November 2013, and re-approved at the two year mark in November 2015.

Unfortunately the weight-loss hasn't helped us to fall pregnant, but we finally became eligible for  fully-funded IVF through the public health system, which we did in November 2016 and May 2016, both unsuccessful, which ended our chances of falling pregnant.


Then we got the call. The call that said we had been chosen to parent through adoption. Our whole world changed in that moment, and now we have our little boy J.

Contact Me

I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to email me at murraynbec@gmail.com or find me on twitter at @fakedelight

About Me

Hi, My name is Rebecca and I am 30 years old. In November 2005, I married my husband Murray. I mention that first because my marriage is the most important thing in my life - Murray and I dote on each other and have been through a lot in our thirteen years together.

We live in Perth, Western Australia with our dog Charlie. We love cuddling up in bed with him and heading to the dog park to play with other furry friends.

We love to travel. So far we have managed to get to Asia (Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Singapore) as well as Fiji, with lots of trips around Australia too. We were very lucky to go to Europe in 2011 and again in 2014, visiting France, Germany, England and Holland. Our Netherlands trip was very special to me as I got to learn more about my Dutch heritage.

My life goal, besides having a happy marriage, is to be a mother. This blog is about our journey to becoming parents. After 10 year of IVF, we were blessed to be placed with a beautiful boy through local adoption. J has changed our world completely.

My blog is my place where I get to let out all of my emotions, express how I am feeling at that particular moment in time. Sometimes I ask for advice, sometimes I am the educator, but for the most part, it is just me, opening my heart to what is going on in my life.

How to announce your pregnancy to an infertile

Back in June, one of my close work friends took me and another girlfriend out for lunch. As we waited for our meal to arrive, she announced that she was pregnant. I love the girl to death, but it was one of the hardest meals I've ever had to eat. Also the fact that she had told the other friend a couple of days before me, so the whole performance really was about what my reaction would be. Of course I smiled and declared it to be a wonderful event etc etc but inside a little piece of me died.


One of the questions that I have been asked by people in the past is, how do you tell somebody who is struggling to have a child, without hurting them, that you are pregnant. The real answer? You can't. But you can try and make it as pain free as possible by choosing the time and place of your announcement with care.

Tip # 1
Don't wait until you are twenty weeks to tell your friend. You may feel the urge to hide the news from your friend with the notion that you are protecting her, but this can make it even worse. The best thing to do is tell her at the earliest you feel comfortable sharing. Be mindful though that your friend may have just had a failed IVF cycle or miscarraige, so try and suss out her situation as well.

Tip #2
Following on from tip number one, don't tell all of your other mutual friends before her, this will make her feel even more isolated and alone. Try and announce your pregnancy to your circle of friends at around the same time.

Tip #3
Do it in private. Or over the phone. Or even by email. Allow your friend the breathing space to adjust to the news. Make sure your announcement is short, sweet and genuine. Like I said earlier, having to hold back tears for an hour over lunch is not the right way to do it.

Tip #4
Sensitivity is key here, you might be bursting at the seams with your news, but try and save the conception and baby talk for other friends. Unless she acts you for specifics, don't get into the nitty gritty details on when your period was late, what baby clothes you have bought or the first doctors appointment.

Tip #5
Lastly, there is no need to apologise for falling pregnant. We know you didn't do it just to spite us (well we hope not!) We know that it is a wonderful thing that you are having a child. But it is still painful, so let us respond in our own way and let us reach out to you when we are ready.

Since I have been TTC, I have been through 16 pregnancy announcements in real life, not counting the numerous internet friends who have been lucky enough to fall. I am happy for each and every one of these people, and hope that they realise the blessing that has come upon them.

Reminiscing

Today is exactly three years since Murray and I were married.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I walked down the aisle of the church and we said those vows to each other. So much has happened between now and then, and I can honestly say that we grow to love each other more every day.

Happy anniversary babe.

Definitely over

Blood test results are in and I'm definitely not pregnant. No big surprise there but I am still really upset. Not so much that this cycle is over. That might sound strange but I am strong enough to be able to keep going I think. What I am scared of is that we only have one hand left to play. Two frozen blastocysts, which we will use both next cycle. After that... I just don't know. We can't afford to do another full cycle of IVF, we can barely afford to do this next cycle on our credit card, but we are going to push our luck and split it over the last credit remaining on both Murrays and my cards. So this is our last chance, at least for the forseeable future. That scares the crap out of me, that we may not get to be parents.

I spoke to a lady at the department for child protection during the week who sent me a pack on adoption in Western Australia. I want to allow myself to think of alternatives, so I don't feel so hopeless about the situation, but it hasn't really helped. Adoption is such a long winded process, it's more expensive than IVF, the whole process takes between three and five years, and that's IF you are lucky enough to be matched to a child. And that doesn't even take into consideration the special needs of an adopted child, the seperation and anxiety. The special nature of it all. Am I capable of dealing with that? Would I make a good adoptive mother? I don't have a clue. I think I could be a great biological mother - am I hung up on adoption? I don't think so but I really don't know. I just don't want to be backed into a corner where I have no choices, which is where I feel I am at the moment.

BFN

What a surprise, at 9dp5dt, it's a BFN.
I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different, but you know, you still hope.
Blood test is on Monday and then I guess we start again.

Two frozen blastocysts left. The clinic says that we now meet the criteria for a double embryo transfer, so we will transfer the last of our two frosties next cycle. Can't believe it has come to this.

Edited to add - MORE BAD NEWS.
Murray didn't get the Singapore job. For all my fears and whinging, I am bitterly disappointed. Poor Murray, getting hit with both crap news on the same day. It came through on my email so I have to tell him. God this will be hard.

No testing!

I managed one day without testing. It kind of helped that there were no pg tests in the house! I only POAS first thing in the morning so that means Im not testing tomorrow either. Maybe Tuesday? Actually I have the day off on Wednesday so I will try and hold out until then, just so I can have the day to get my head around the result.

I am already starting to gear myself up towards a negative result after the test I did yesterday. Murray was really disappointed that I tested, but I just want to know already.

We should find out this week about the job Murray went for in Singapore. I am still undecided about it all but Murray is excited about it and would be there tomorrow if he could. This decision is huge for me. The main issues for me are the baby stuff and financial.

If I am pregnant...

*Then I would stay in Australia and live apart from Murray for several months of 2009, living with Murray's parents (cheap and easy option). This way I will get access to six months maternity leave at half-pay plus long service plus time off from work without losing my job if I wanted to go back. Unlikely to be able to get a job in Singapore while pregnant and would receive no maternity benefits = no leave.

*I want to give birth in Perth with family around, but this means that Murray might possibly miss the birth. I want to be able to birth my way and Im not sure I would be comfortable giving birth in Singapore. Also it would cost us a decent out-of-pocket amount to give birth in Singapore, whereas if I give birth in Australia, I get a $5000 tax free baby bonus.

*I would be spending at least the first year or two of our childs life in a country with no family. They will do short visits as flights are relatively cheap. As I am high risk for post-natal depression, I think I really need to have people around me that can help me out, people that I can trust.

*I wouldnt have to work for around 12 months while we are in Singapore, but then would have to look at some part time work - child care options for child???

*

If I'm not pregnant...

*I have to get a job in a foreign country when I have no university degree, don't know the area very well, and in a global economic crisis. Being an asian country, working conditions are different as well - very cheap local wages (which i would be employed under) and long working hours.

*I would need to bring in a certain amount of money each month to keep us going, no way we could survive without my wage

* My job here, even though I have absolutely hated it in parts, I have also made good friends, earn good money and mostly enjoy the actual work that I do (just not the management sometimes). I would hate to lose that and the benefits that I have (ie maternity leave, long service leave, flexi-time, organisation knowledge). Here I am a valued and knowledgable member of the team.

*Would have to put on hold ivf for a year or two once in Singapore due to (a) expensive ivf/saving efforts/travel back and forth. and (b) non-resident in australia so no medicare funding for ivf there during this time. Not sure if I could handle this.

*But at the same time if we decide to go down the adoption path back at home, we both have to be over 25 to start the application process in Perth, so a couple of years away could use up some of this time

*I want to try again ASAP! and do another double FET cycle in November/December but that pushes out me living apart from Murray for a longer period of time



These are just some of the thoughts bouncing around in my brain at the moment. Hopefully if Murray receives a job offer, it will help make things a bit clearer about what our situation would be in Singapore, and clarify in my mind whether or not I am ready to take that step.

Doing my head in

I did a test today, I know, I caved.
BFN at 5dp5dt.
Grrrr.

Just did a search on Fertility Friend though and came across this link which says that only 10% of pregnancies show up on tests at 10po. That makes me feel a bit better I guess, but I'm starting to get the feeling that this might not ever happen.

I'm out of pg tests now anyway so I guess I have to hold out a bit longer... until I get the chance to visit the chemist!

Bubble

I had my transfer this morning so we have one blastocyst on board. I have this urge to say that I have been sperminated but in fact I have been embryonated! So please meet the newest resident in my uterus - Bubble.

Luckily enough we only had to defrost one embryo so we still have two blastocysts left in storage. Should bubble not stick, we will likely do a double transfer next time and use them in one go. At least then we will have done everything we can for the timebeing. Enough fatalistic talk though, I am going to be positive about this.

The transfer went really well, I went by myself as Murray couldn't really afford to take any more time off work at the moment. Monday's are my FS's day on duty so she did my transfer for me which was nice. For once I knew everyone in the room (and they were all ladies) so I was quite comfortable. I had some cramping afterwards but nothing too major. All of a sudden though I had the most horrific stabbing pain in my abdomen. I was driving at the time and nearly crashed my car because it was so sudden and agonising. I had to pull off the road and do some serious breathing to get through for about five minutes when it started to fade away. I spoke to the clinic afterwards and they said that it was probably my uterus contracting and that I should be fine, but to call back if I experienced any further pain. Luckily enough I was fine after that, bar some slight cramping later on.

Event though I know logically that the embryo can't slip out of me, I still was fearful about going to the toilet or walking too fast, just in case. I guess just one of those things that make you feel safer about the whole thing, that I am doing everything possible to help.

I have a busy week ahead at work so that should keep me distracted for the moment, but my beta isn't scheduled until Monday November 10th! That is still two weeks away, there is no way it should be that far away! I definitely intend to test before then, but will try to hold out until next Monday at least. I so badly want our little bubble to stick.

Oh and for those interested. The wedding was ok. Just ok. Long story. Short version is that my sister in law isn't the most thoughtful person and despite our differences, and Murray and I making a huge effort to make her day work well, we didn't even get a thank you for our effort, absolutely no appreciation. Anyway, that sounds very bitter and I guess I am a bit at the moment. Photos coming shortly!

cycle six

When I talk to other people, it's much easier to call all of our cycles an 'IVF cycle', that way I don't have to explain the intricacies of cancelled cycles, IVF, IVM and FETs. But it's important to me to note the differences between each cycle. After all we are now up to six ART cycles but only three of those have had a transfer.

(1) IVF #1 - Sep 07 - Cancelled after understimulating on a low FSH dose. No EPU. No transfer (2) IVM #1 - Jan 08 - EPU and 1 blastocyst transferred but BFN
(3) IVM #2 - Mar 08 - EPU but no embryos made it to blast. No transfer
(4) IVF #1 - May 08 - EPU but OHSS and in hospital. No transfer
(5) FET #1 - Aug 08 - 1 blastocyst transferred but BFN
(6) FET #2 - Oct 08 - 1 blastocyst transferred.
Results unknown= 6 cycles started, 3 EPUs and 3 transfers.

Even though I have done six treatment cycles, the clinic only counts it as three attempts because they work off how many transfers are done. Stuff that for a joke!

Do you go into detail and explain the differences in treatments with friends, family and others? Or do you reach a point where you don't bother? I'm a little tired of talking about what I'm going through, but I never don't answer a question because otherwise they may not ask again, and infertility shouldn't be this big taboo that everyone avoids. Anyway, just something I wanted to put out there.

Post 200

Am I really up to 200 posts? Have I contributed anything to the blogosphere? I'm not sure but unfortunately you are stuck with me.

My transfer is booked for 11am on Monday. I'll be going alone for the first time which is a little nervewracking but I'm sure I'll be fine. I asked my clinic about the embryo glue and it turns out that they use it for every transfer and that the brochure was put out to provide additional information, so that is good to hear.

Will be a busy weekend as Murray's sister is getting married on Saturday, so hopefully I will be back after the weekend with lots of pictures to share!

Transfer booked

My visit to the clinic went well today, endo lining is at 10.5mm and E2 is fine so I will begun my progesterone pessaries tomorrow and transfer will happen next Monday. Luckily I have the day off already so no having to fit it in around work.

I noticed a sign in the waiting room that all clinic prices will go up by 10% as of 1st November - just what we need. Why can't they wait until the end of the year at least! Grrrrr. On a good note though, they have upgraded the ultrasound machine so we have a new shiny machine that shows colour and does printouts at the touch of a button! Very cool.

Has anyone heard of Embryo Glue before? I found a brochure for it in the clinic waiting area, and am trying to find a bit more about it. Apparently you can use it in a FET so it might be worth giving it a go if it isn't too expensive. Would love to hear any feedback on it...

FET begins

After all my worry, I am fine with doing a FET cycle. It's this stupid hormone business, one day I hate everything in my life, dont want kids and want to quit my job. The next day I love my husband and cant wait to be a mother. Grrr to that. Luckily however, today is one of the good days. Work was quick and easy, I have the day off tomorrow ( I love 4 day working weeks!), I went to the gym last night and felt good, and am just generally happy.

I have started on the HRT (progynova) and go in for a bloodtest and scan next Monday morning. Transfer will be done the Monday following, so I can still drink at my sister-in-laws wedding on the 25th - not that the drinking is a huge priority!

Tonight we are going to see Stevie Wonder in concert and Murray is soooo excited! He has been looking forward to this for ages and we have really good seats, so hopefully it lives up to his expectations.

Blah blah blah

My period has arrived so I guess we are starting another FET cycle. I have my form to get my bloods done on Monday, but to be honest I just don't know if I want to carry on with this struggle. Everything is so much effort and I don't have the energy for it. Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe it's PMS? But I feel really down today, and in a foul mood. Murray is being a dickhead as well which makes it that much worse because it's a cycle of feeling like crap.

I went to the gym this morning and thought that would help clear my head but it hasn't done anything except wear me out. I just really can't be bothered with anything right now.

25

So it has been 25 days since I was diagnosed with depression and things are definitely a lot better than before. Some days are still hard, and sleep issues and anxiety are still around but as a whole, I am feeling pretty good.

We have made the decision that we will try another FET cycle once my period arrives. No matter what we are doing in our life, we want children to be a part of it, and I'm not willing to give up just yet. I don't know whether we will go again straight away if this cycle is unsuccessful, but I definitely want to at least try.

We have also sat down to really discuss going overseas, and both opened up about what is going on with each other. I think we understand a bit better where the other person is coming from, and should Murray get a job offer from Singapore, we will most likely be going. It is an experience that at any other time in my life I would be excited about, and I am. But it's just a lot to take in, so we are going to take it as it comes, and hopefully things fall into place along the way.

I love my husband and relationships are about compromise. If you can compromise but not 'sacrifice' then I think it is worth it. Murray has absolutely been my rock this past month, I am so grateful that he is here for me.

Update on the crazy lady

So I seem to be doing better, day by day. I'm still taking each day as it comes, and some mornings are definitely worse than others, but I am getting there. I have been lucky enough to have some long service leave up my sleeve, so I am going to be working four days a week through October and November to take the pressure off a little bit, and take the fifth day as leave so I am not out-of-pocket financially.

Work has been very good about everything and I haven't had to answer any tricky questions about my absence or behaviour. I am still assisting on the project that I was managing previously, but another girl has taken over as the main contact for which I am really grateful for. I am surprisingly doing pretty well at work, managing to get through decent volumes of work, but I definitely couldn't cope with working the way I was before. I think they are expecting me to make a decision shortly about what I want to do, but I will take my cues from them and not jump before I have to.

Murray and I are making some big decisions about our future over the next month, which is proving really difficult. I want to stay in Perth and keep trying for a baby but I'm not really healthy enough to be working fulltime as well as going through IVF. Murray wants to move overseas for a while and teach away from Australia. He is unhappy with his job, but moreso with teaching fullstop, and thinks teaching kids in Asia will be easier as they are more respectful and dedicated. If we could go overseas and I didn't have to work, I would do it, but to be able to keep our house, I would need to get a job in a foreign country where everything is so different to what I'm used and I honestly don't know if I could do that.

We are butting heads on this, which isn't helping with my recovery. I feel like he is trying to run away from everything and he never mentions any of the negative aspects of moving overseas, like they don't exist. I am trying to look at things more realistically, but maybe I am being too pessimistic about things. The decision needs to be made over the next few weeks though so we need to work through it.

I really want to do another FET cycle next month but we need to make a decision about going overseas first. I had good cry in our would-be nursery today. Some days I think I could hold off for another year to have a baby, and I don't need the added responsibilities that come with a baby. It's like trying to convince yourself that you don't want a baby. Unfortunately it doesn't really work that well.

I have started going to church again recently. Yesterday's sermon was about hope, and even when you are going through your darkest moments, God is still there with a door of hope, but you need to open your heart and choose to take that path. I had tears in my eyes through the sermon, it was just what I needed to hear. I have been a christian from when I was six years old but haven't been regularly to church since I moved to Perth at 13. It's actually really nice to be part of a community of people that really care.

I spoke to the pastor about IVF, without going into too much detail about our history. I wanted to know what their particular denominations thoughts were about using ART, and he was surprisingly well-versed in the subject. He said that there is nothing wrong with using it and their church has never said not to use it, but you need to really sit down and think about the options regarding disposing/donating embryos because of their views on sanctity of life. To be honest I hadn't really thought much about the issue, so it's something that I'm going to think more about. Right now we have three frozen embryos so I don't think it will be a matter to lose much sleep over though.

It's nice to be able to pray to God and know that somebody is there, listening to you. It comforts me I guess you could say. I still haven't brought myself to partake in Communion yet. I feel that I need to re-establish my faith a bit better first. Wow all of that sounds like I'm a religious nut, which I am not in the slightest, but it is definitely something exciting that I am glad to have as a part of my life.

My down day, and getting back up again.

I have been having a really horrible day today, my mood is terrible and I cried for no reason which made me feel even worse. I was getting so caught up in having to go to work tomorrow that I wasn't allowing myself to at least enjoy today. Murray was really good though and recognised that I was having an off day and gave me a lovely massage. Just having someone touch me and hug me and tell me that it is okay, made me feel just so much better.

I found this article online which really helped me get through today. I think everyone thinks that once I am on this medication that I am going to keep getting better with no down periods, and that's just not the case. I co-sign to everything that is in the article...

My experience with depression leads me to describe one of its worst features: its variable symptoms. These symptoms not only make the experience of depression particularly distressing for the patient but also confuse and mislead those who deal with the depressed person. No one really wants to meet or speak with someone who is depressed. Whenever a positive change occurs, everyone hopes that it is a permanent improvement. When this proves not to be so, impatience soon appears. Depressed persons soon find that many people avoid them. Only the “normal” or “up” phases of the disease are acceptable to others. But rejection during the “down” phases can considerably add to the depression.


Early Phases
In the course of a developing depression, it is common for there to be a wide variation in mood during the day. The morning is generally unpleasant. Darkness of mood prevails. Then as the day progresses, the mood lightens. By night, a person may feel quite normal.
Gradually a change occurs. The dark times get longer and longer. If sleeplessness develops, the morning hours can be quite terrible. It is at this time that suicidal thoughts can appear. The individual cannot envision living in such darkness, day after day.

Soon the darkness may last the whole day and also the evening. The depressed person dreads going to sleep. All that can be expected is a repetition of the same dark pattern. After a few days of this, the wish to die may become very strong. Depressed persons are not rejecting life as such. They are not rejecting any purpose that they may believe they have on earth or purpose that other people may suggest they have. Depressed persons are rejecting what they have become. “I do not recognize this person.” “I have become such a caricature of my former self!” “Look at me!” “I am completely anxious. I am afraid to be alone in my house. I am terrified when I have free time that I might have to spend at home. I am afraid to do things on my own. Anxiety makes me wring my hands incessantly. I am totally tense. I feel foolish, unable to do things that children easily do.” The death of such a creature would seem to be a blessing. At this stage of the depression, one is at the bottom of the roller coaster. Nor is there any hope of going up.


During Treatment
After treatment of depression begins with antidepressants, improvement is slow. Antidepressants do not take effect until four to six weeks. During this time, the depression can continue its insidious growth. One has to cope with the side-effects of the antidepressants as well as all the darkness of the depression. The medication may help with sleep and this is a great blessing. But one is still very much on the bottom of the roller coaster. Great will-power is needed to have hope that some change will come. This period can be painful with regard to other people. Their patience may well wear thin. Most people assume that one's mental attitude is totally self-chosen. If one is not cheerful, it is by choice. During this time one is immensely grateful for a faithful friend.

After some weeks the antidepressants begin to take effect. The depressed person feels less down, at first for part of the day, then for more of the day. But the mornings can still be bad and thoughts of death can still haunt. Side-effects of the antidepressants become less severe but do not disappear altogether.

During this phase a person may feel that all the symptoms are some kind of horrible nightmare. “This can't be happening to me” “I was always able to be cheerful and happy.” “How I want to be off these pills and just be normal again” But the hard and painful truth has to be faced: the depression is real and will not go away by itself. One cannot just throw away the medication, however much this may seem desirable. Human nature has proved to be frail in a most painful way.


During Recovery
At last some light seems to appear. “I am beginning to feel normal” “Up the roller coaster I go. And I will NEVER, NEVER go down again.” What an illusion! Depression is not a weak disease; it is one that specializes in cruel effects. Just as one begins to feel normal, the depression can return with a complete vengeance. This happened to me. On Sunday I feel normal, to some degree. I can ignore the side-effects of the antidepressants as long as I don't feel too bad. On Monday, as I face a series of decisions, I am as bad as I ever was, even at the beginning of the disease. Everything is dark. I want to die, thinking of suicide. I am anxious. I cannot make up my mind about the smallest details. I am most afraid and panic at the idea of being alone. Here I am at the bottom of the roller coaster once more.

What are my choices? None, really. However much I wish to die and wish that this ridiculous person I have become to die, I know that death is not an option. I must continue with the medication and hope that I will go up the roller coaster once more. There can be no facile optimism with depression. I might want to be well NOW. Every person I meet impatiently wants me to be well and never to hear again about depression. But it is not going to be so.

Recovery from depression may take months. Gradually I hope to be able to stay up the roller coaster. With other people, as I go up and down, I may have to learn to be a good actress. With some friends I will be able to speak of my pain. Depression is a roller coaster ride. It has taught me to have boundless compassion for those who are at the bottom of the roller coaster and to share their tears.

A rocky week

This past week has been one of the most difficult that I have ever been through. Not because of any external factors, purely just because I had to live through what is going on in my head. It is such a rollercoaster ride, one moment I can feel completely normal, the next I get jittery, lethargic and tension fills my head.

Last week was really scary. Feeling suicidal was the most out of control thing, I can't even describe how I felt. I was sitting at my desk at work, rocking back and forth with tears in my eyes, and trying to work out the best way to kill myself without making a scene at work. I have always believed suicide to be a cowards way out and I utterly despise it, but I hated my life so much at that moment, and I hated what was going on in my head. It felt like I was on drugs, this restless agitation where my brain could not stop thinking a billion and one things at the same time.

I have become extremely clingy to Murray. Usually we are quite independent of each other, but I feel this need to be close to him right now, needing to hug him and hold his hand all the time. He doesn't mind though, I think the last week has really frightened him as well. The anti-depressants are helping I think, I have been on them for a week and it has been up and down but overall better than I was before them.

We decided to cancel our FET cycle. In the end it wasn't a hard decision to make, I just can not deal with anything else in my life right now. Falling pregnant isn't magically going to make me happy, I realise that, so it is something that I can put on hold for the moment until I am feeling better.

At this point I don't have a plan for how I am going to go back to work, but I am expected back in the office tomorrow. I have to call my supervisor by the end of the day to let her know what I am doing, but I know that I have put them under a lot of pressure just by taking this time off now. I have some long service leave that I am hoping I can use to give me a bit of breathing space. I dont know whether it is possible or not, but it might be good to take one day off a week for the next month, just so the stress doesn't get to me like it has been. If I took Wednesday off, it would make the week more manageable for me, well at least I think it would.

The real issue is that, until I go back to work, I don't know what I will and wont be able to handle. I know my boss wants to give my job to somebody else, they have already told me that I am not coping with the workload and unfortunately this position is too important to share the workload around, the person in the position needs to cope with that. Does that mean they will find me another position? I don't want to be starting a new job the way that I am right now. I also don't want to be meeting new people and learning new tasks, because I can't give it 100%. I know there are a lot of tasks that aren't as time sensitive that need to worked on, and those would probably be more suited to where I am at right now. But do I really have the right to ask to pick and choose my work? I never have in the past and I feel quite selfish for work having to make arrangements around me. But as they keep saying, I am apparently an important part of the team. And looking at it from a pure business point of view, it takes a lot more time and money to train a new person and years to get the knowledge and experience that I have, it makes sense to keep me around, even if I'm not as productive right now.

So much to think about. I am entering panic mode again.

Diagnosis

I saw my doctor this afternoon and have been diagnosed as having severe depression and prescribed antidepressants to try and help me out a bit. Unfortunately it takes at least a couple of weeks for them to work and are likely to make me drowsy and shaky for a little while.

Work today was horrible. I managed to keep it together until lunch time but then fell to pieces, started crying at my desk and shaking. I have spoken to both my supervisor and branch manager, and while they were sympathetic, both of them have to be concerned with running the branch first and foremost and needed me to be on board and completely healthy. Right now I just cant do that. I was so scared about calling them up but luckily my supervisor called me to ask how the doctors appointment went. I told her that he wants me to take time off and she said she would tell the branch manager for me. I have also asked my doctor to call her so that it's not just me saying these things.

I think I will probably have to put in my notice to resign shortly, I am putting them in a terrible position, and I can not handle any pressure on me at all. Even the thought of putting together a list of what urgent projects I have to handover is stressing me out.

I am 99% sure that I am going to cancel our FET cycle this month. What is left of the logical part of my brain tells me that it makes sense to cancel, but it is such a hard thing for me to let go of it.
We may have to put babies on hold until next year when things are a little more stable. If I quit my job, I lose all my maternity leave so will have to start again with a different company. Bleh - I just cant think about financial stuff at the moment, it just adds to my stress.

I just need to try and keep myself sane until these tablets start doing what they are meant to do. Fingers crossed it happens soon, I can't cope with the way I am feeling.

Crap

I am not doing well.
I am crying all the time.

I think I have depression again.

Have made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday.

I just want to die and have this all be over.

Not coping with anything

Work has become too much for me, I can't handle it for much longer. I have a migraine today which is really killing me, yet I am still doing work from home because of the sheer volume of work I need to get through before my boss gets back from her holiday on Monday.

Murray and I have both applied for jobs in Singapore for 2009. It's time for us to move on and do something different with our lives. The last two and a bit years have been completely dedicated to setting ourselves up for a baby, when in reality they should have been about us. Babies can grow up anywhere, we need to start doing things for ourselves, and I need to get away from the pressure of my job.

So freaking hard

I'm finally having the delayed cry I need to have.

I just wish this wasn't so hard. If only wishes came true.

Today

One of the guys at work at work took me aside and asked me how I was going. It took 10 years for his wife and him to conceive their daughter and they went through a couple of rounds IVF about six years ago to have her.

He was so upset for me, it made me want to cry that somebody was that devastated for me.
I think my friends and family are starting to realise what we have thought for a while now - this may not actually happen for us.

When you see IVF in the media, it's treated like the silver bullet that fixes all but that’s not always the case.

I finally got to see my counsellor this afternoon which was helpful for me, but I didn't really get to talk much about my IVF issues, my dysfunctional family took up most of the talk time.
Once of the things we did discuss was having an action plan for this cycle. The first thing I need to do is rethink the way I am approaching this cycle, stop thinking of this as our 6th cycle but as the first cycle that is going to work. Supposedly the positivity will help me get through it. I'm doing the usual exercise and health kick to get my body ready for the transfer, but I am also going to start acupuncture again. I've been reading quite a few studies recently that talk about acupuncture and the benefits with IVF both prior to and after an embryo transfer. At this point I'll give anything a go! The other part of my plan is to limit the stress around me. Unfortunately I have a stressful job so I'm never going to have it easy, but no taking work home on weekends, and cutting off contact with my brother and the other parts of my family that cause me pain. I can not deal with all of these things in my life at once, so I need to do this for my own health.

A numbers game

The numbers of my life...

Days spent trying to conceive - 789
Kilos lost to start IVF - 19
Kilos gained during IVF - 6
Injections given - 92
IVF cycles begun - 5
Egg collections undergone - 3
Hospitalisation - 1
Embryo transfers - 2
Periods of depression - 3

Pregnancies. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. None.


BFN. Am starting another FET cycle straight away so still on Progynova but get to stop the yucky pessaries. I call the clinic on Day 1 of my cycle, but don't have to come in for a scan until Day 10. I asked about transferring two embryos but the nurse said no way because of my age. I have asked for my FS to call me sometime this week. I know it's not necessarily the answer, but it could be. I don't know anymore.

Sooky la la me

I have devoted this weekend to moping. I like moping. It gives me a sense of purpose, yet not requiring me to actually achieve anything. For the last two and half days I have worn my pyjamas, sat on the couch, watched Olympics and then bawled my eyes out.

I feel so lost over everything - will this ever happen for us? Should we give up? How do we survive financially? Should we sell out house? Should we move to Singapore/Dubai/other exciting place to distract us from our misery? Should we look at adoption even though it is hideously expensive, I am too young to apply for ICA and the wait list is 5 years? Should we hold out for the new surrogacy laws in WA to be enacted and follow that path? Am I willing to give up the dream of being pregnant even though I so badly want to feel my child inside of me? Do I drag my husband along for more treatments when he is ready to give it a break for a bit to live? Or do I put my dream on hold so that we don't hurt ourselves even further?

To all those who have visited my blog through ICLW expecting recipes, spectacular photography or some witty commentary, I apologise. All I can offer is sadness and confusion at the moment, for that is what I truly feel.

Really? I didn't know that.

It is as natural as falling in love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with that special someone. After the wedding and the thrill of having your own place, the next significant step in a couple's life is having children.

Some couples feel that they should have a baby only when they are ready. But do remember to keep this in mind; it doesn't mean that when you are ready, you can conceive at will. As and when you plan to. And that is because fertility does decrease with age. Find out more on how you can stack the odds on your side and conceive a baby.

Having a baby is an important milestone in your life. You will need to plan for it emotionally and psychologically, as well as financially. Find out more on the practical and helpful guidelines for this exciting new phase of your lives.


From my visit into Singapore cyberspace - http://fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg/ChildrenNParenthood/PlanforBabies/

Bleh

Another BFN at 8dp5dt (13dpo). Hopes are fading rapidly.
Will this ever happen?

Family sucks

Have had massive drama over the last couple of days, of course involving my dysfunctional family. Allegations have been made about my father by my brothers girlfriend, I don't want to even write the words down, it makes it too real. I've never had a good relationship with my Dad but this is just horrible stuff.

We looked after their kids last night which was really difficult. Difficult in the sense that three toddlers/babies were thrust upon us - how do you guys do it! And also hard that we had a baby in our room and it was another reminder of what we don't have.

I caved and tested this afternoon. BFN of course. Am currently 6dp5dt so the equivalent of 11dpo...

Life sucks sometimes. Let's just hope that stress really isn't a contributing factor in infertility.

Please introduce yourself to...

... Gidget, our little blastocyst!



I went into the clinic this afternoon to have my embyro transferred and all went well. My Mum came along with me for support because we can't have Murray taken too many days off work. It ended up being quite good, she tends to calm me down a bit. My doctor wasn't available so Dr Love (dont laugh - the love doctor!) did my transfer. Steve also wasn't available so I got to meet the other girls who work in the lab. I did get the mean nurse though who never recognises me and always makes me feel uncomfortable.

My beta is on Monday 25th August so hopefully we will get some good news then. I tried to argue to have my beta on Friday 22nd, I would officially be 14 days then (5 day embryo + 9 day wait) but they claim that they wouldnt get a reading then. Hmmm.. is that cause for doing some HPTs? I dont think I even have any tests here...

We managed to get a photo of our little Gidget on the tv screen! Having a photo of our embryo has opened up a whole new fascination for me though - googling other blastocyst pictures and comparing mine to theirs! I will need to get this out of my system soon - it's turning me a bit batty!

In other news, my work has turned into an absolute mad-house. I don't think I have ever been this stressed out before, working late and getting worked up at things. I snapped at my boss yesterday and was really rude to her which isn't like me at all. Unfortunately the job that I am in requires me to really put in a lot of hours and effort, at least until Christmas times. I had considered changing jobs to get away from it, but it is a huge career opportunity for me, and I don't want to put my whole life on hold anymore. In saying that, I do need to look after myself over the next two weeks and focus on eating well, getting lots of rest and deep breathing when I start to get stressed out at work.

A question for you all - do you do anything different in your 2WW after IVF? I have never changed anything during my 2WW while trying to conceive naturally, but after investing so much both emotionally and financially into our IVF cycles, I feel like I should really change things up a bit. I'm not going to be exercising for the next two weeks at the request of the clinic, because it is too high intensity. I'm going to focus on eating well, but should I stop drinking caffeine, no sex (lol - like that is a problem at the moment!) and not dye my hair etc? How far is too far?

I REALLY want a baby

I just had a lightbulb moment - I absolutely completely really want a baby. Funny that huh.

After trying for a baby for over two years now, there are times when I lose focus of what it is we are trying to achieve. You get so caught up in doing the deed at the right times and making it through the next round of ultrasounds and injections, that instead of seeing the big picture, we break it down into small, bite-sized chunks.

It's probably a coping mechanism, something that we use so we don't become disheartened and walk away from it all. But some days I really need that big picture. Last night our neighbour came up to grab some pizza vouchers off of us and he brought along his 18 month old son Xander. While I went to grab the vouchers, I overheard him playing with Xander and I had one of those moments where everything makes sense - this is the reason that I am putting myself through all of this.

Obviously I have wanted a child since well before we started trying to conceive, and have been the cluckiest one out of all my friends. Even through everything we have gone through, I still collect baby bibs and toys to put away in my baby cupboard. But I think for a while now, the idea that I may actually have a baby has been so remote that I have pushed my desire to the side so that I am not disappointed and can function on a day to day basis without falling into a heap. I definitely don't want to be that dependent on my fertility to remain happy, but it's time to go back to who I am. That is someone who is hopeful - and passionate - about wanting children.

A bit better

Things went a bit better at work today. My boss took me aside for half an hour to talk to me about our meeting yesterday. She said that she knew I was disappointed and upset and that she came off harsh in the meeting. She tried to butter me up a bit about what a fantastic job I'm doing and how important I am to the branch etc etc. In other words she is sh*t scared of me walking out and not having anyone to do my job - surprise, surprise. I did appreciate it though, I was ready to call in sick this morning, I was so upset over everything.

We are still looking at the possibility of moving overseas in 2009 though. I would love to move to the US but the economy doesn't look too strong there at the moment with lots of people losing their jobs - not the best time to be looking for work. Dubai is good for jobs but it is a big culture shock. Gwen suggested Singapore which would be wonderful but Oh. My. Goodness - how expensive is rent there! The other thing about moving overseas that we need to consider is that while I am only 22 and young enough to start over when I get back to Australia, Murray turns 30 next year and it may not be so easy for him to do that. Luckily teaching isn't that competitive and it shouldn't be too big an issue, but still something to consider I guess.

On the IVF front, I'm still taking Progynova and hanging out until next Monday for my first lot of bloods and scan to see how I'm going. I'm happy enough at this point that we are doing a single embryo transfer, but if there are any issues with thawing the embryos, I reserve the right to change my mind!

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

And I was right…

I was called into my bosses office today and told that they would feel 'uncomfortable' if I started uni because my project is too big, and I already get migraines and am doing IVF and that is too much pressure and cant support me doing uni this semester.

It was also reinforced that although my boss 'knows that I do the hours', the perception is that I come in late to the office all the time and don’t work back enough etc. I am *this* close to standing up at our next team meeting and telling the world that "I am doing IVF, thank you for your concern but I am well and truly meeting my hours at work". I know a few people would be shocked - not by the IVF but that it is a confrontational thing to do and I am not a confrontational person, but I am at the point where I have really had enough. Not with the work that I do - that doesn't stress me out. What stresses me is the lack of understanding and real leadership in the branch. My boss thinks she knows everyone better than they know themselves and the truth is she doesn't!

I also got told that I am too 'up and down' in the office. She admitted that I have never 'bitten anyones head off like other people in the branch', but somedays Im really smiley and others Im not. Great. So not only do I not work hard enough, I'm not perky enough. Shoot me now.

Murray and I are considering moving to Dubai in January. Has anyone been to Dubai before or lived and worked overseas? We have been thinking about Dubai in particular because number 1 - tax free dollars! But also there is a heavy focus on education which will make it easier for Murray to get a teaching job. But there is so much research that I need to do! Like can I get a job there? What IVF clinics do they have and how much do they cost? What hospital facilities do they have? Are there lots of other ex-pats living there? Can you travel around easily? So many questions!

Getting the creative juices flowing

So I totally suck at the whole keeping a secret from people. I had a group of girlfriends over for my birthday on Saturday night and everyone kept asking when we would be trying again so I told them. Yes I caved - so much for my grand plan of having a surprise!

I can't believe it is Sunday night again and I am back to work tomorrow morning. Work hasn't been the most pleasant of places for me to be lately. I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy with the current situation. It's hard to explain - I love the actual work that I do, but something is not right in the office. I'm not happy with management, and perhaps it's my own insecurities but I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough for my boss. I have applied for another job within my organisation but I haven't heard back about it yet. I'm not sure that I will even take the job if it is offered to me, but I needed to do something. I have had more migraines in the past month than I have had in the past year combined, and I think stress has been the trigger. Thankfully I haven't had one in the past week (touch wood) but I need to do everything in my power to prevent having a reoccurence, not least because of how it will affect our chances with IVF.

On another note, I have decided that next weekend I am going to start working on my book. I know the likelihood of me finishing the book is probably a pipe dream and I know as a certainty that it will never be published unless I do a DIY job AND I totally suck as a writer! For my own sanity though, I am going to give it a go. I've started to think about what chapters I want to write about. Over the past year I have collect so many infertility and IVF books and still haven't found one that says exactly what I want it to say.

My favourite book so far has been 'Making Babies' by Theresa Miller. I loved reading each persons story with their own personal struggle to achieve the thing they want most. One of the most fascinating things for me was reading a story from the point of view of one of the first 'test tube' babies.

So what do I want my book to say? That everybody's journey is different? Be positive? I think the one thing that I want to get across the most is that whatever it is you are feeling, it is okay. It is okay to be super optimistic one day and crying your heart out the next. You are allowed to grieve for lost opportunities, lost children. Whatever it is- allow yourself the luxury of being true to yourself.

If you were reading a book on infertility, what is it you would want to read?

Trying again

My period arrived this afternoon so we are about to embark on the next stage of our journey. I have started taking Progynova to increase my hormone levels and thicken my endometrium lining in preparation for a frozen embryo transfer in the coming weeks. My first clinic appointment isn't until August 4, and the transfer will be done sometime in the week after that, all things being equal. But they are never equal, are they...

I am suprisingly calm about starting again. We have decided that we aren't going to tell anyone about this cycle. I just don't want the pressure of peoples expectations on me, then it's not just me who gets disappointed, but everyone around me. I want to try and stay positive, keep up my exercise, and stay 'present' in my normal life.

The other reason for not telling people is that I want to regain some surprise into this whole thing. A close friend of mine recently announced that she is 14 weeks pregnant. While we will be announcing our pregnancy earlier than that should we be blessed, I would really love that element of surprise and elation. Maybe I'm reaching for the stars a bit but it's worth a try.

Happy birthday to me...

Yep I am 22 today. Wow!

Back to reality

Just a short post as I'm too tired from my first day back at work to write much, but we are back from our winter get away to Exmouth and had a fantastic time. Although please never let me commit to that big a driving trip again! For my US friends, although Exmouth is only half way up the state of Western Australia, the drive is the equivalent of driving from New York to Iowa - on some pretty nasty roads!

We had a wonderful time away, besides the two day drive to get there, we went to the beach lots, the weather was perfect - 26 degrees without a cloud in the sky every day. We even got sunburnt! We went on an all day tour to visit the Cape Range National Park and I was lucky enough to go snorkelling on the Ningaloo Reef at Turquoise Bay which was incredible! We spent lazy days just relaxing by the hotel pool and eating yummy food. It was nice to spend some quality time with Murray, just the two of us away from the rest of the world.

And now for some pictures!

A photo of us :-)


Charles Knife Gorge
An amazing sight to see. Apparently there have been a number of tsunamis over the years that have filled these canyons with water - how scary!

Coral Bay
Lookout just outside of town - how beautiful does the water look!

Shell Beach, Coral Bay
My gorgeous hubby enjoying the sunset
This beach is made completely of white shells

Mini Golf!
Murray and I have a tradition that on all our getaways we play a game with a very sexy wager - this time a full body massage with extras *nudge* Luckily we one one game each on our trip!

Tantabiddi Beach

Murray relaxing before our glassbottom boat cruise

Tantabiddi Beach
Sunset at the end of our day tour

Yardie Creek
An ancient canyon filled with water

Osprey Bay
We stopped to have lunch here and Murray had a dip with some new-found friends

A while between drinks

I seem to become such a boring person when I'm not cycling! I just don't feel compelled to blog, my whole life feels like it revolved around fertility treatments sometimes.

I fought really hard with the clinic to try and let me do the frozen embryo transfer this cycle but they were adamant that I needed the month off. I think deep down I knew that but once I start treatments it is so hard to stop. It's quite silly really, each break that we have had has been so helpful and therapeautic for me, so I should appreciate the time to heal.

I think I have moved past the pain from last cycle, having our embryos frozen has definitely helped me get my head around everything. I'm currently on CD 16 so hopefully in a couple of weeks we will start our HRT FET. I have filled my Progynova script and gotten progesterone pessaries in anticpation of beginning the next cycle. By the way - anyone have experience with the pessaries? Looks like I am going to be using 400mg pessaries, three times a day. I've only ever used crinone gel before so I'm not too sure what to expect.

Work is absolutely crazy at the moment. I have been working on a major project, launching a new initiative corporation wide and have had to work around some really tight deadlines. It's a great project but there is so much work to do and just not enough time to get it done which is adding a lot of stress on my shoulders. I went into work this morning with the plan to stay late and get a whole heap of stuff done, but almost the moment I walked into the office, I got a migraine and had to go and lie down in the bosses office away from all the noise and lights of the office. So that completely knocked me out for the day - one less day that I can work on getting the project up and running.

Murray and I are also going on holiday next week! We have had it booked for six months, before all our money troubles and before I started working on this project. In terms of work, the timing couldnt possibly be worse as it takes a week out of my preparation time for the project, but I am looking forward to getting away with just Murray and chilling out. We are off to Exmouth (North Western Australia) with a sunny winter temperature of around 28 degrees everyday, much better than the 10 degrees it was here the other day!

So no updates for me probably until Murrays birthday on July 12! I will leave you with a picture of gorgeous Exmouth! Wish you were here!

Nothing to report

I have my period and am a grumpy bitch. Nothing out of the ordinary really. I have spent the last three days of my life at a conference for work which I really could have done without. I rang the clinic and begged to start our FET this cycle but they refused. Apparently my body needs a break from all the drugs. Fuckers. Like they know what my body needs. I do know that we need a cash injection though and quickly. We have spent all of our cash on IVF and I honestly don't know how we are going to make our mortgage payment this week. I think Murray and I need to have a serious sit down to decide whether or not we can afford to keep our house.

Feeling much better

I am finally feeling like myself again, today is the first day that I haven't needed to medicate myself to get out of bed in the morning. Definitely a big achievement for me! All my OHSS symptoms have dissipated, besides the endless trips to the toilet of course!

My bloating has subsided dramatically, I am still two kilos heavier than when I started but I'm not too concerned with that. My body has been knocked around a fair bit with the bloating. I imagine this is what it looks like after a pregnant woman has a baby, my skin is all floppy and gross which is depressing because I have worked so hard over the past year to really get myself into shape. Murray keeps telling me that it doesn't matter and that I should focus on getting better, but he's not the one whose body is fcuking up. Oh well, I'm feeling better which is the main thing.

I'm really nervous about going back to work tomorrow. Last week was an incredibly busy week and with me being out of action, I know it caused a fair bit of drama at work. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, I was sick, there was nothing I could do. But yet I still feel guilty.

Something else to feel guilty about, we had to borrow $2000 off Murray's parents so that we can pay our IVF bill. We thought we had more money free on our credit card but apparently we don't and we didn't have enough to pay for our IVF treatment. Fun. Well I guess not many people have a spare $8000 lying around to make the upfront payment. We will get a big portion of that back from Medicare and my private health insurance thank goodness, I don't know how people manage to keep going back to do this. The FET in August is a lot cheaper, the nurse I spoke to at the clinic said that it is only $2050 upfront plus some extra drug costs like pessaries (around $100) and progynova (quite cheap). We will get a big chunk of that back with the Medicare Safety Net (Thank God for the safety net - it has been a lifesaver this year!) so we should only be out of pocket around $500 at the most - finally some good news!

On a completely different note, I am feeling really close to my husband at the moment. Murray has really been there for me in the last week through everything that happened. Sometimes I make fun of his weaknesses, he is a worrywart and a panicker by nature, but he really came through for me this week and I really appreciate it. Maybe it's because I am off all the hormone altering drugs, but I feel really close to him at the moment. Tonight we are off to the movies to watch Sex and the City, yes I know, a chick flick! But I was meant to go and see it on Wednesday with my girlfriends when I was really sick so Murray is taking me out tonight, we are going to La Premiere! Which means free popcorn and coke and food service - yummo!

My OHSS experience

I finally have a chance to sit down and write about what has been going on over the last couple of days - it has been absolutely crazy.

On Sunday as you know, our transfer was cancelled due to OHSS and I was feeling really sick. I couldn't keep any food or water down all day and finally around midnight we decided to head to the emergency department at SJOG Murdoch. Luckily we were seen straight away and hooked up to a drip. Unfortunately the doctors knew very little about IVF and it's complications, I spent the time in between throwing up, explaining to the doctor exactly what hyperstimulation was, and trying to convince the nurses that "No, I don't have gastro!". I was weighed in at 102kg at this point (98.5kg before EPU).

I was put on a drip and given some morphine to knock me out while the doctors tried to get in touch with my clinic. Unfortunately I got a bad migraine from the morphine which made it impossible to sleep and just added to my pain. By Monday morning, my nausea was still out of control so I was transferred to Bethesda hospital in Claremont which is where my clinic is based. My specialist was able to come up and look me over when I arrived and organised for full fluid checks to be done, some decent anti-nausea medication given and a new drip put in. I had to be weighed and my girth measured daily to keep track of how I was going. As of Monday I weighed 104kg, 2kg more than the previous night and 4.5kg more than before the EPU.

Tuesday morning I wake up feeling a lot better nausea-wise but stomach still in a lot of pain. I weighed in at 108kg Tuesday morning,a four kilo gain on the previous day and now 9.5kg all up gained. I stayed on medication all day but by night time my urine and blood results were dramatically improved.

Woke up this morning and my nausea has completely gone, THANK GOODNESS!! I can handle pain okay (yeah, I'm kinda a wuss but I can do it) but I can not handle throwing up, it freaks me out big time. Urine and blood samples came back even better so time to get weighed again. Today's weight? 111kg!! I have put on 12.5kg in 8 days. No wonder I feel like such a beached whale! Despite the increased fluid gain, I was allowed to be released from hospital this morning on the condition that the moment I start feeling sick I call the clinic or the hospital, and I drink at least 3 litres of fluid a day. I will need to keep track of my weight over the next couple of days as well. My waist measurement is currently 22cm bigger than it was eight days ago - what a disgrace!

The biggest issue now is that the fluid is so heavy, it makes it really hard for me to breathe. I can't lay down on my back, I have to sleep in a half-sitting position which is terribly uncomfortable but I least I can breathe with it. I get breathless just speaking to people normally, which is quite upsetting.

I am hoping that I have turned the corner with my OHSS experience, I can honestly say that it is one of the most horrible things I have done and I do not plan on ever going through it again. Once we use all of our frozen embryos, I think I will need to be convinced pretty strongly to put my body through the stimulated cycle process again.

Which on the topic of frozen embryos - we have four blastocysts on ice! Or in our case they have been vitrified, whatever that means!?! My doctor wants me to have a cycle in between to let my body recover from the OHSS which I am happy to do as the next month at work is going to be crazy busy. I am currently on Day 3 of 10 Provera tablets, at the end of which I will have a bleed apparently.

OK I have just read back and realised this post is a bit of a jumble but the short version is, after an interesting couple of days in hospital with OHSS, I am back home and okay - Oh and we have four frosties!