Definitely over

Blood test results are in and I'm definitely not pregnant. No big surprise there but I am still really upset. Not so much that this cycle is over. That might sound strange but I am strong enough to be able to keep going I think. What I am scared of is that we only have one hand left to play. Two frozen blastocysts, which we will use both next cycle. After that... I just don't know. We can't afford to do another full cycle of IVF, we can barely afford to do this next cycle on our credit card, but we are going to push our luck and split it over the last credit remaining on both Murrays and my cards. So this is our last chance, at least for the forseeable future. That scares the crap out of me, that we may not get to be parents.

I spoke to a lady at the department for child protection during the week who sent me a pack on adoption in Western Australia. I want to allow myself to think of alternatives, so I don't feel so hopeless about the situation, but it hasn't really helped. Adoption is such a long winded process, it's more expensive than IVF, the whole process takes between three and five years, and that's IF you are lucky enough to be matched to a child. And that doesn't even take into consideration the special needs of an adopted child, the seperation and anxiety. The special nature of it all. Am I capable of dealing with that? Would I make a good adoptive mother? I don't have a clue. I think I could be a great biological mother - am I hung up on adoption? I don't think so but I really don't know. I just don't want to be backed into a corner where I have no choices, which is where I feel I am at the moment.