Transfer

I'm feeling really drained this afternoon, so Im heading off to bed after this for a nap. We had our transfer done this morning but they would only let us transfer one blastocyst after all.

When they rang to say that one had defrosted well, I questioned why both hadn't been thawed. Apparently there was nothing on my file about transferring two so she rang my doctor who said that she was "uncomfortable" with me transferring two embryos because of my age. We came straight into the clinic after that and I requested to speak to somebody about it, so a nurse and Steve came in and we expressed our concerns. I had made it clear to the nurse weeks earlier that I wanted to do a double embryo transfer, the nurse even gave me the stupid consent forms for it! But my doctor didnt agree. We dont have any contact with our specialist unless we physically book a consultation with her which takes weeks to get into, so how was I meant to talk directly to her about it? We are meant to give all our information to the nurses! I meet their criteria for a double transfer as I have had three failed transfers, even they admitted that.

Anyway, I was really upset so they spoke to my doctor again and explained what was happening, and she refused to let me have two transferred, so we were forced to transfer just one of our blastocysts.

I'm not so upset about transferring one, because I know that it can work for other people. I'm upset that I had built this up in my head and once again their communication sucks and I'm the one who has to deal with the emotions of it all. I'm tired of doing treatment, I'm tired of being infertile, I'm doing of being so emotional.

I am really struggling with the physical strength needed to get through these cycles. My moods are all over the place, even within an hour I can swing from being horrible to super friendly, then flighty and back to moody again. The pessaries and crinone are making my life a nightmare downstairs. Exercise is my natural mood lifter and I cant even do that in the two week wait for fear of impacting implantation.

I really thought that I would have the determination and strength and courage to keep going until we had a live baby in our arms, but I'm really starting to question that now.

I had some acupuncture this morning before my transfer and I tried to use some visualisation techniques, imagine our life with a baby and it growing up through life. I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon so hopefully it helps relax me a bit more.

I just don't need all of this stress on my shoulders. The schock of my brother having another child, juxtaposed against our situation really hurts.