Back in June, one of my close work friends took me and another girlfriend out for lunch. As we waited for our meal to arrive, she announced that she was pregnant. I love the girl to death, but it was one of the hardest meals I've ever had to eat. Also the fact that she had told the other friend a couple of days before me, so the whole performance really was about what my reaction would be. Of course I smiled and declared it to be a wonderful event etc etc but inside a little piece of me died.
One of the questions that I have been asked by people in the past is, how do you tell somebody who is struggling to have a child, without hurting them, that you are pregnant. The real answer? You can't. But you can try and make it as pain free as possible by choosing the time and place of your announcement with care.
Tip # 1
Don't wait until you are twenty weeks to tell your friend. You may feel the urge to hide the news from your friend with the notion that you are protecting her, but this can make it even worse. The best thing to do is tell her at the earliest you feel comfortable sharing. Be mindful though that your friend may have just had a failed IVF cycle or miscarraige, so try and suss out her situation as well.
Tip #2
Following on from tip number one, don't tell all of your other mutual friends before her, this will make her feel even more isolated and alone. Try and announce your pregnancy to your circle of friends at around the same time.
Tip #3
Do it in private. Or over the phone. Or even by email. Allow your friend the breathing space to adjust to the news. Make sure your announcement is short, sweet and genuine. Like I said earlier, having to hold back tears for an hour over lunch is not the right way to do it.
Tip #4
Sensitivity is key here, you might be bursting at the seams with your news, but try and save the conception and baby talk for other friends. Unless she acts you for specifics, don't get into the nitty gritty details on when your period was late, what baby clothes you have bought or the first doctors appointment.
Tip #5
Lastly, there is no need to apologise for falling pregnant. We know you didn't do it just to spite us (well we hope not!) We know that it is a wonderful thing that you are having a child. But it is still painful, so let us respond in our own way and let us reach out to you when we are ready.
Since I have been TTC, I have been through 16 pregnancy announcements in real life, not counting the numerous internet friends who have been lucky enough to fall. I am happy for each and every one of these people, and hope that they realise the blessing that has come upon them.
Those are great tips!
ReplyDeleteWow, I can't believe you've kept track of all of the announcements! I have lost count -- though if I try to reconstruct it, it's at least 22. Thankfully, only a couple have been in person. A few phone calls, several emails, and many second-hand through emails or calls to DH. Sometimes being geographically separated from almost all of your friends has its advantages.
Thanks for doing this public service!
I completely agree with tip #3.
ReplyDeleteGreat work Bec. I've also started getting the "we can be pregnant together!" Not a good thing to say to make me feel better as sadly, chance are we wont...
ReplyDeleteThose are awesome tips! I wish my sisters would have read them prior to announcing their pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteSister 1 called me on my cell while I was at work...nice.
Sister 2 - didn't tell me. I found out from my mom when I called to tell her that I was pg. Double whammy.
I had the exact thing happen over a lunch once, except she didn't even announce it, I just noticed when she didn't drink and she got a big goofy smile on her face. Don't know how I got through the lunch, but I remember sobbing the entire way home.
ReplyDeleteThese are great tips, I've come to think email is best. Hopefully the people around you will be more sensitive!!
This is a great post. I found you at Lost and Found today. Wow, after almost 8 years and 6 failed pregnancies of my own, I can't possibly remember all of the announcements we've heard. You offer great, practical advice here. I hate playing some kind of guessing game or feeling like I've been set up (like the experience you described)when a friend gives the news.
ReplyDeletethese are excellent tips!
ReplyDeleteGreat tips - I would add to the last one..in addition to them not doing it to spite the infertile friend that the sad friend doesn't want to be pregnant instead of, rather in addition to her friends. It's a bittersweet moment, for sure.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Great Post! Makes me want to copy it and send to some people.
ReplyDeleteSuch sensible and sensitive advice. Wish some of my friends and colleagues had this set of tips a few years ago.
ReplyDeleteI agree with every bit of advice you give here and I think they all apply to my situation as well (recurrent miscarriage). I definitely think that telling your friend in private, whether that is one on one or phone/email, is the most important part, at least for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this.
Tip #3 is key. I ~want~ to be a good friend but it is just so hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this . . .
Wonderful list! This is a must read for everyone!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely loved your tips and agree wholeheartedly. I've had very good experiences and some not-so great. I'd add that if you're a friend of an infertile, tell them you're trying. That is the way a friend prepped me, so then when I followed up with "How's it going"...she said, "Well...I'm not sure how to tell you" and I knew.
ReplyDeleteWorld's worst...showing an infertile a sonogram and saying "Guess what?". Duh!
This is a wonderful post. I've already told my friends who are ttc to email me first if they get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteOne friend recently announced it at dinner one night to a group of us, and it was the hardest night of my life.
Just found this, great tips.
ReplyDeleteAnother one to add - DON'T send a text on christmas day announcing your pregnancy and how it was the best present you could wish for! I was just thankful it was later on in the day, or it would have completely ruined christmas for me.
ps. I was happy for them but I didn't want to be reminded of my fertility problems on christmas day.
Thank you Rebecca ! I just wish my sister in law had read your post before telling me that she was pregant for number one ("I only have to look at my husband and I get pregant")and then 44 weeks after number one was born hey presto pregnant again !@# (The second time was the day I got out of hospital after chronic OHSS)
ReplyDeleteTip # 3 is perfect. At 41 yrs old and after 2 failed IUI, Laparoscopy & Hysteroscopy (for polyps/cycsts/fibroid), 1 x IVF abandoned OHSS (25 eggs, 9 embryos), 1 x FET if another person tells me "my time will come" or that I should "destress" or "that things could be worse" or whispers that x or y is pregnant I will scream.
I love children and I am happy for my family and friends who are lucky enough to have children but the reality is there is no easy way to announce that you are pregnant to an infertile friends...