Crazy lady ramblings...: Crap

Friday, 5 September 2008

Crap

I am not doing well.
I am crying all the time.

I think I have depression again.

Have made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday.

I just want to die and have this all be over.

6 comments:

AnonymousSaturday, 06 September, 2008
Oh Bec, I am so sad that you're feeling this way. You are under so much pressure right now, and making big decisions is so hard... I'm glad you're going to see your doctor. In my life when I have felt like I needed to be scraped off the floor, professionals have always helped.

I'm thinking of you. Big hug.
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NicholeSaturday, 06 September, 2008
Bec I am so sorry! Big Hugs! I hope your Doc can help you feel better very soon!

HUGS!
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Beautiful MessSunday, 07 September, 2008
Hope you're feeling better! Good for you for making the appointment to the doctor, I can imagine that was hard. Hang in there sweetie! I'm sending you lots of good vibes! *hugs*
-D
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JellyBellySunday, 07 September, 2008
i'm so sorry that you're feeling down. my thoughts are with you.
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Princesses in Muddy PuddlesMonday, 08 September, 2008
I'm sorry Bec. Good on you for reaching out for help though xo
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LisaMonday, 08 September, 2008
Bec - just letting you know that I am thinking of you. I know there isn't anything I can say to make the pain go away but just know that I am thinking of you and Murray.
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Our Journey

August 2016 - Our little man J comes home to us!!!

July 2016 - Get the phone call that we have been chosen to parent a 12 month old boy through local adoption!

May 2016 - IVF #10 was a bust

February 2016 - Public Health department decide that we can have another funded cycle of IVF. Gearing up to #IVF 10

November 2015 - One last attempt at IVF thanks to the public IVF program - IVF #9, 2 X Day 3 embryos transferred. Negative

November 2015 - 2 years in the approved applicant local adoption pool.

August 2014 - Donated embryos become available - FET #7 Negative

October 2013- Approved for local adoption! Getting our profile together and join the pool of approved prospective adoptive parents.

September 2013- 12 months out from Gastric sleeve surgery - 55kg lost! Now at a healthy BMI

January 2013- Re-apply for local adoption in Western Australia

September 2012- Gastric sleeve surgery to help get to a healthy weight

August 2012- Investigated foster care as a family building option but decided it's not for us.

June 2012 - FET #6 using donated embryos. Thought we hit the jackpot with a + on HPT but chemical pregnancy only.

May 2012 -FET#5 using donated embryos. BFN.

November 2011 - IUI #2. Another shot? Donor IUI. Still negative.

October 2011 - IUI #1. Let's try something different. Donor IUI, Negative result

August 2011 - IVF #8. Although estrogen levels are all over the place, we make to egg collection. 8 eggs fertilise through ICSI, but they never divide and all succumb. No transfer.

July 2011 - Adoption Services advise that we will not be approved for adoption due to my weight being over BMI limit of 35. Adoption plans devastated.

June 2011 - IVF #7 starts with known sperm donor. Cancelled again, just before egg collection as hormone levels indicate OHSS is likely.

February 2011 - Ovarian Drilling, laparoscopy and dye test done. Now preparing for IVF in June

January 2011 - Offer from a potential known sperm donor. Start counselling and mandated waiting period to access known donor sperm

September 2010 - IVF #6 - Another cancelled cycle due to estrogen decreasing and follicles not growing enough

June 2010 - #IVF 5 - Cancelled just before egg collection as hormone levels indicate OHSS is likely.

April 2010 - Donor sperm is available! Now waiting for next cycle to begin our DIVF cycle

March 2010 - Slowly putting together our adoption assessment application

January 2010 - Change IVF clinics to Concept Fertility to access donor sperm. Meet new FS, have donor counselling, and are added to the donor sperm waiting list. Attend final adoption education seminars

October 2009 - IVF #4 - Retrieve 20 eggs, 12 mature, 5 fertilised. Two Day 3 embryos transferred. BFN

September 2009 - Attend more adoption education seminars. SCSA test shows 35% DNA fragmentation in sperm - We decide to have one more attempt at IVF before moving to donor

August 2009 - Retrieve 33 eggs, 13 make it to day 3 - none to day 5. End up in hospital, in pain from the procedure and heavily sedated. Is this it for us?

July 2009 - Cycling again IVF #3. Attend first adoption seminar

May 2009 - And everything came tumbling down. Only a 6 weeks sac with no heartbeat at 8 week scan. D&C performed.

April 2009 - FET #4 BFP!!! Due 1 January 2010

November 2008 - FET #3 One blastocyst transferred - BFP, Beta of 21, then 44. Pregnancy not viable.

October 2008 - FET #2 Take Two - One blastocyst transferred - BFN

September 2008 - FET #2 - Cancelled by us. Diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, put on AD's and hoping to ride out the storm.

August 2008 - FET #1 - One blastocyst transferred - BFN

May 2008 - IVF #2 - 20 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilised. Severe OHSS puts me in hospital for three days so no transfer. Four blastocysts are frozen for future use.

March 2008 - IVM #2 - 10 eggs retrieved, 8 matured, 7 fertilised, but no embryos make it to blastocyst and transfer is cancelled.

January 2008 - FS talks to us about new treatment called In Vitro Maturation (IVM) and we say go for it! IVM #1 - 13 eggs retrieved, 8 matured, 7 fertilised, 1 perfect blastocyst transferred - BFN

September 2007 - IVF #1, understimulated, cancelled cycle

August 2007 - Second appointment with FS, this time 12 kilos lighter - Woohoo! Decide to begin IVF next cycle

May 2007 - First meeting with FS. Told too fat for treatment and to get down to a BMI of 35 first (BMI currently 40.1). Utter devastation and depression follows, but I join the gym and dedicate myself to the cause.

February 2007 - Hubby's sperm analysis comes back with very low semen motility

January 2007 - Cycles are all over the place. Initial scans and tests suggest PCOS.

July 2006 - Had implanon removed, officially trying for a baby (How exciting!)

November 2005 - Got married on a hot spring day