Update on the crazy lady

So I seem to be doing better, day by day. I'm still taking each day as it comes, and some mornings are definitely worse than others, but I am getting there. I have been lucky enough to have some long service leave up my sleeve, so I am going to be working four days a week through October and November to take the pressure off a little bit, and take the fifth day as leave so I am not out-of-pocket financially.

Work has been very good about everything and I haven't had to answer any tricky questions about my absence or behaviour. I am still assisting on the project that I was managing previously, but another girl has taken over as the main contact for which I am really grateful for. I am surprisingly doing pretty well at work, managing to get through decent volumes of work, but I definitely couldn't cope with working the way I was before. I think they are expecting me to make a decision shortly about what I want to do, but I will take my cues from them and not jump before I have to.

Murray and I are making some big decisions about our future over the next month, which is proving really difficult. I want to stay in Perth and keep trying for a baby but I'm not really healthy enough to be working fulltime as well as going through IVF. Murray wants to move overseas for a while and teach away from Australia. He is unhappy with his job, but moreso with teaching fullstop, and thinks teaching kids in Asia will be easier as they are more respectful and dedicated. If we could go overseas and I didn't have to work, I would do it, but to be able to keep our house, I would need to get a job in a foreign country where everything is so different to what I'm used and I honestly don't know if I could do that.

We are butting heads on this, which isn't helping with my recovery. I feel like he is trying to run away from everything and he never mentions any of the negative aspects of moving overseas, like they don't exist. I am trying to look at things more realistically, but maybe I am being too pessimistic about things. The decision needs to be made over the next few weeks though so we need to work through it.

I really want to do another FET cycle next month but we need to make a decision about going overseas first. I had good cry in our would-be nursery today. Some days I think I could hold off for another year to have a baby, and I don't need the added responsibilities that come with a baby. It's like trying to convince yourself that you don't want a baby. Unfortunately it doesn't really work that well.

I have started going to church again recently. Yesterday's sermon was about hope, and even when you are going through your darkest moments, God is still there with a door of hope, but you need to open your heart and choose to take that path. I had tears in my eyes through the sermon, it was just what I needed to hear. I have been a christian from when I was six years old but haven't been regularly to church since I moved to Perth at 13. It's actually really nice to be part of a community of people that really care.

I spoke to the pastor about IVF, without going into too much detail about our history. I wanted to know what their particular denominations thoughts were about using ART, and he was surprisingly well-versed in the subject. He said that there is nothing wrong with using it and their church has never said not to use it, but you need to really sit down and think about the options regarding disposing/donating embryos because of their views on sanctity of life. To be honest I hadn't really thought much about the issue, so it's something that I'm going to think more about. Right now we have three frozen embryos so I don't think it will be a matter to lose much sleep over though.

It's nice to be able to pray to God and know that somebody is there, listening to you. It comforts me I guess you could say. I still haven't brought myself to partake in Communion yet. I feel that I need to re-establish my faith a bit better first. Wow all of that sounds like I'm a religious nut, which I am not in the slightest, but it is definitely something exciting that I am glad to have as a part of my life.