A rocky week

This past week has been one of the most difficult that I have ever been through. Not because of any external factors, purely just because I had to live through what is going on in my head. It is such a rollercoaster ride, one moment I can feel completely normal, the next I get jittery, lethargic and tension fills my head.

Last week was really scary. Feeling suicidal was the most out of control thing, I can't even describe how I felt. I was sitting at my desk at work, rocking back and forth with tears in my eyes, and trying to work out the best way to kill myself without making a scene at work. I have always believed suicide to be a cowards way out and I utterly despise it, but I hated my life so much at that moment, and I hated what was going on in my head. It felt like I was on drugs, this restless agitation where my brain could not stop thinking a billion and one things at the same time.

I have become extremely clingy to Murray. Usually we are quite independent of each other, but I feel this need to be close to him right now, needing to hug him and hold his hand all the time. He doesn't mind though, I think the last week has really frightened him as well. The anti-depressants are helping I think, I have been on them for a week and it has been up and down but overall better than I was before them.

We decided to cancel our FET cycle. In the end it wasn't a hard decision to make, I just can not deal with anything else in my life right now. Falling pregnant isn't magically going to make me happy, I realise that, so it is something that I can put on hold for the moment until I am feeling better.

At this point I don't have a plan for how I am going to go back to work, but I am expected back in the office tomorrow. I have to call my supervisor by the end of the day to let her know what I am doing, but I know that I have put them under a lot of pressure just by taking this time off now. I have some long service leave that I am hoping I can use to give me a bit of breathing space. I dont know whether it is possible or not, but it might be good to take one day off a week for the next month, just so the stress doesn't get to me like it has been. If I took Wednesday off, it would make the week more manageable for me, well at least I think it would.

The real issue is that, until I go back to work, I don't know what I will and wont be able to handle. I know my boss wants to give my job to somebody else, they have already told me that I am not coping with the workload and unfortunately this position is too important to share the workload around, the person in the position needs to cope with that. Does that mean they will find me another position? I don't want to be starting a new job the way that I am right now. I also don't want to be meeting new people and learning new tasks, because I can't give it 100%. I know there are a lot of tasks that aren't as time sensitive that need to worked on, and those would probably be more suited to where I am at right now. But do I really have the right to ask to pick and choose my work? I never have in the past and I feel quite selfish for work having to make arrangements around me. But as they keep saying, I am apparently an important part of the team. And looking at it from a pure business point of view, it takes a lot more time and money to train a new person and years to get the knowledge and experience that I have, it makes sense to keep me around, even if I'm not as productive right now.

So much to think about. I am entering panic mode again.