A little update

For those not keeping track over at Lose and Hope, I have had my surgery and am in the recovery stage. So far I have lost around 11kg in the past month, and I am comfortable with my decision, even when some days are difficult. There is a lot of adjustment to be made, but I went in with my eyes open, and I'm already starting to feel the benefits. Just the knowledge that I can take the power back from my body - well, sorry for the lack of words, but it is powerful.

Before I had my surgery, my doctor said to me that I should go back on birth control, as obviously getting pregnant would stop the weight loss. I told him he had a snowballs chance in hell. He insisted and said that I had to give him at least 6 months guaranteed not getting knocked up, and even with our history, my rapid weight loss could make me super fertile. I stuck to my guns, and therefore am status normal - no protection, yet still not knocked up.

It's amazing that it has been more than six years of trying. There are always ebbs and flows, and right now I'm in one of those good places, where you can appreciate the great things about just being two of us. We are both young, we love spending time together, and have so many opportunities for happiness outside of baby-making. The sting of course is always there, but most of these days, you can barely feel it, unless you want to feel it, if that makes sense.

We are six weeks away from our 7th wedding anniversary. I imagine this year will be pretty low-key, not least because Murray lost his job last week (a whole other story), so we are tightening our belt financially.

I also have my 10 year high school reunion next month, which is making me a little nervous. Being around all these people who barely gave me the time of day in high school, everyone who has their own little families now, people pretending to be super successful. I know I have done well for myself, but I don't want to be the self-important person trying to make myself seem better than I am - that's not who I am and it's not how I want to be. Instead I've decided to catch up with some old school friends who I haven't seen over the next month I think, just to touch base. I'm not sure I'll even go to the reunion yet, but most likely I will. We'll see.

SO back to fertility (Gee it always comes back to that!). My plan is to restart our local adoption paperwork once my BMI is under 35, which will make us eligble again for approval. We are still on the public IVF waiting list (1 year down so far), and I imagine that we should get through to that sometime in the next 12-18 months, so if we haven't had adoption success by then, I will be starting that process again. It seems like so long ago that we went through this all. Maybe another year older and wiser will be the winning solution. I know I'm only 26, and that does give me some relief, that I'm not 10 years older and in a far worse predicament.

Okay, I've really put my blog name to work today - a lot of ramblings from a person whom many call crazy. Time for me to hit the hay. Night all.

What I've been working on

I've been a little busy lately. I've been making decisions about what I want my life to be like. I can't live my life and not have thrown absolutely everything at having a child, and my weight is holding me back from doing that.

So on September 21, I will be having a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, also known as weight loss surgery. It's drastic, but so is 16 unsuccessful IVF attempts, and the thought of not having children. It's also drastic to think my life expectancy is lowered by a decade because of my weight, and that the only direction my weight is going is up.

I've started a separate blog to follow my progress, I'd love for you to pop over. It's called Lose and Hope and I'll be blogging everything to do with surgery, recovery and life losing weight.

The not blogging thing

I'm feeling snarky today. Possibly it's just my period being a bitch. But I'm in a foul mood, which somehow makes this easier. I'm just not in a blogging mood right now. No doubt I'll be back in a week or month or two. I can never stay away for long. And it's not a 'break', I'm just gonna do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Work is hard, I'm back studying at night trying to get my degree, I had another papsmear came back abnormal which of course has skyrocketed my stress levels, and to be honest, I have enough on my plate. Hopefully I'll get back into some blogging rhythm when winter is over and the sun comes back. Hopefully. Always hopefully.

Out of office

So I'm currently on the other side of the country, visiting two of my fsvouritest people for an extended long weekend. It's my little brothers march out celebrating his return from Afghanistan at the Enogerra barracks tomorrow morning. My Mum and her partner are here for it as well, and I am writing this post from an Irish Pub in the city centre as we get a little sloshed to celebrate my brothers awesomeness (oh and also it's my birthday tomorrow-yay me!). After all that is done and dusted, I am going to hang with my girl Sass- I can not wait!

Anyway, enough being antisocial and blogging from the pub. Back to life.

Walking into the sunlight, eyes open

I see little things everywhere and my heart is glad. The beautiful full moon a couple of nights back, being able to go fine wine shopping for Murray's birthday, putting on high heels, cuddling Charlie in bed in the morning. They may not make sense but each is a tiny piece of this puzzle of my life, and is helping me be the person I want to be.

I struggle with depression, and have done since I was a teenager. My first experience of depression was as a fifteen year old, after a boy I had a crush on and I had a physical encounter. No not sex, but touchy feely and kissing, but rumors went around school about how easy I was, and it got to the point where I went from being a solid A student, to not handing assignments in, going to bed straight after school, and just feeling like the world was out to get me. My Mumrecognised the signs at the time and forced me to get up and out of bed, and somehow it all just worked out okay. At the time I didn't know what those feelings were about.

The next bought of depression is chronicled in this blog. Probably around May 2007, when we realized that the baby thing wasn't happening, when we would have to do IVF etc. you know the story from there. It's tough to live with a monster that can rear its head at anytime. I'm grateful that I have medication that can help me live some sort of a normal life, but I do struggle with it almost every day.

I tend to "self-talk" a lot. A thought will flick into my head and I basically have a conversation with myself, usually debating some type of feeling that I'm experiencing, or what our next steps are going to be. Often is pain related- I feel sick, I don't feel well, I need to sleep, I can't do this. Usually it happens when I'm driving by myself, and I've started to try and build distractions into my drive to help avoid the pain-depression spiral I get myself in. Listening to music, imagining what I'd do if I won lotto, planning how I'm going to renovate meh kitchen all offer me refuge from the ills that sneak into my head and try and sink me lower and lower.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I guess it's trying to make people understand me better. Pain or the threat of pain stops me from doing a lot of things. A good friend had gastric banding surgery done which has been a great success for her, but I won't consider, only because I know the pain and vomiting would send me into a deep depression. Everything is just so much effort with depression.

Anyway, that's enough delving into my psyche for the moment. I really am doing okay, and just taking things one day at a time. Cliche but true.

Coping through the disappointment

I've received a lot of support over the last week and firstly I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has called, messages and sent emails. I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considering. I think the overwhelming feeling is disappointment for the lost opportunity. To be so close and then lose it, it's hard to swallow some times. And now we are back to square one. No embryos, either ours or donated. Money in short supply. Our dreams are so far away once again.

Six years has taken its toll, but it has also I think prepared me to be s good mother. I have been so lucky to be involved in my friends and family's kids lives. I change nappies, help with baths and bedtime, and get to go to weekend footy matches and swimming lessons. We've been really blessed to have those opportunities. But no matter how involved we are, we are never that child's number one person, the person they seek out when they have a nightmare, or snuggle into between Mum and Dad on the couch.

We are booked to go to a fostering information session next Wednesday to learn about the Western Australian foster system, and a new program called 'Home for life' which is essentially a permanent care situation. I don't know about eligibility or what's involved so this is just a change to 'dip our feet' so to speak, and see if it something that we want to pursue. At least it is something to pursue, something to have hope for.

So we aren't giving up. Not yet. It's too much to contemplate.

Chemical pregnancy

Unfortunately my blood test today confirmed that it was a chemical pregnancy. I'm okay, I think. I'm not sure what to do now. I just want everything to freeze in time, so I can deal with everything and get myself okay with where this is all at.

8dp5dt, Beta day

So I'm a little bit pregnant. Not enough really though. My beta was 7. Which basically translates to a chemical pregnancy.

I did a test on Monday morning which was negative, and then on a whim tested again that night which had the faintest of lines. More tests the next day and the line was still faint but definitely there.

I'm upset, but I have pretty much accepted that it is a chemical pregnancy. My Mum and Murray are both holding out hope that it is just a late starter but I don't think it is. I have to go for another blood test on Friday to see what my hcg level is so we will know then.

5dp5dt

For those that aren't au fait with IVF lingo, 5dp5dt means it has been five days past our five day old embryo transfer. 10 days post ovulation. Usually I would have tested today but I am trying to hold out for the blood test. My official test day is Thursday but I have a work commitment that morning, so am going to see if I can bring it forward to Wednesday, which isn't that far away I guess.

I had a headache today which left me in bed for most of the day. I'm trying to avoid taking any unnecessary medication so skipped the paracetemol and tried to sleep it out. It's still hanging around, but I feel better now that I've been up and about. Murray went into the clinic today to meet with the counsellor to have a chat about a few things, mainly coping mechanisms in the event that this cycle fails.

I think we are both in a bit of a rut at the moment. It doesn't help that our dogs have been absolute shots lately- escaping by digging under the fence practically everyday. So then we lock the dogs inside during the day and we come home to 'accidents' throughout the house, which is enough to set anyone's nerves on edge. Hopefully we can sort that out soon and have one less thing to worry us.

I'm starting to get really scared about this cycle not working. I know the odds are against us, better than what they have been with our last cycle but still, at around 30%, we are still odds on to get a negative result. This month marks six years of trying to have a baby and its still a struggle to cope with infertility, sometimes it's a day-by-day thing, other times I can pass a week or two without a negative thought crossing my mind. But it's always there, in my heart, that desire to have a child of our own to love and adore.

Three more days...

'Honey' - FET #6, IVF #16

So yesterday we had our frozen embryo transfer, sorry to keep everyone hanging on the news! Our blastocyst defrosted really well and continued to grow, and even our fertility specialist mentioned how good our embryo looked on the screen. I have a picture of it on my phone but can't seem to upload it on my iPad.

In keeping with tradition, we have named the embryo - this little one is called Honey, named by my girlfriends who kept me company via Facebook chat during the transfer procedure. We hope this little Honey is just as sticky as its namesake.

Blood test is next Thursday, Please, please, please!

Transfer tomorrow

Got the call this afternoon- my transfer will be tomorrow morning at 8.45am! I have to be at the clinic at 8am, so another early morning for me. Unfortunately Murray can't take time off work at the moment, so I'll be doing the transfer by myself which is a little scary. I've done it before alone, but I still prefer Murray to be there with me.

 

Transfer cancelled, for now

So our second little embie survived the thaw but didn't develop at all over the 24 hours since, so our transfer for today has been cancelled. We got the call at 8am from the embryologist, to be honest I expected that it was coming so I'm not too upset.

Instead they are going to defrost our last embie (a blastocyst) and we will transfer on Tuesday. This is the last of the three we were given from the clinic, so I am nervous, but at the same time I still have great hopes for our last little embryo.