Rising from the ashes

Thankyou for your supportive comments, emails, phone calls and messages. This last week has been challenging for both Murray and I. I'm not quite up to writing too much right now, especially since I have come down with a killer flu today, but we are coping.
For the moment we aren't pursuing any more fertility treatment. That's not to say we wont in the future, but the pain of all of this is going to take some time to fully deal with.

And zero equals none

None of the embryos made it. We are heartbroken. I don't even know where to begin.
Another door has closed.

Insanity

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I guess I'm insane.

All of our eight embryos have arrested, with no cell division at all. The embryologist said that there is a slim chance that one embryo may still divide and just be extremely slow, but to prepare ourselves for the fact that none have made it.

I can't express the anguish or the shock.

Day 24 - Fertilisation Results

After a couple of hours playing phone tag with our clinic, we have our fertilisation results. Of the ten eggs collected, two were immature and unable to be injected (ICSI). However of the remaining eight eggs that were injected, all eight have fertilised! We are thrilled with this result, and are now holding on for each days update.

I am really hoping that we will be able to do a transfer (day 3 or 5, either will be fine), and then have at least two to freeze so that we can avoid doing any further stim cycles.

Day 23 - Egg Collection

Egg Collection is over and done with and we have ended up with 10 eggs! It's the lowest number of eggs I've had retrieved to date, but as a result, my OHSS risk is quite low which is great. Also great is how good I am feeling after the procedure! Concept use a twilight anaesthetic which I am completely in love with after today's experience - no nausea, no breathing tubes, up and walking in an hour and a half after surgery.

So for now I am resting up, I haven't slept much these last couple of days, so using this time to catch up my sleep debt. I have to call the clinic between 2 and 3 tomorrow to find out our fertilisation results. We did ask the embryologist this morning if we could use ICSI rather than straight IVF, just to throw everything we have at this round of treatment, and they have agreed to our request.

Praying so hard that we make it to embryo transfer.

Day 21 - the results

We are going ahead with egg collection on Friday!!!

I am so relieved that we are able to go ahead with treatment, I let out the biggest sigh of relief once I got the phone call with the good news. It was actually the nurse who I had the altercation with this morning which made the conversation a little interesting. She made a comment at the end that I 'got what I wanted' which I thought was a little snarky at the time. But I'm not dwelling on that, I am just so pleased to finally get to this point.

It has been two years since my last egg collection! And this time it is at a different clinic with different protocols. From what I've heard, Concept use a twilight anaesthetic instead of a general which is a little scary! But apparently a lot easier to recover from which can only be a good thing.

So my trigger injection will be at 7.30pm tonight (at the concert!) and then we get to the clinic first thing Friday morning for egg pick up at 7.30am. All going well, next Wednesday we will have a little embryo on board!!!!!

Day 21

Plenty of follicles, one at 20mm, a whole bunch between 14-16mm, and even more at 10-14mm. I'm fairly sure they wont trigger me tonight and may even wait until Friday to trigger.
I am utterly spent. I have cried more in this cycle than I have for the whole year before this month. I am on edge all the time, and the slightest thing can send me into a tail-spin. It doesn't feel like my usual depression-mix though which makes me think it is purely situational - the hormones and treatment cycle are just pushing my buttons hard this time round.
That may explain why I ended up in a (how to put it politely) 'disagreement' with one of the fertility nurses this morning. I came in with good intentions, just needing to let them know that I was nearly out of drugs and would need some extra from tomorrow. Somehow it turned into a debate as to how far to push a PCOS patient during IVF, with the nurse disputing that my Dr is conservative, and basically saying that I had no idea what I was talking about, that she did know, and bla bla bla. I know I'm a little sensitive at the moment, but she was getting agitated and I wasn't happy, so I walked out of that room very upset and having a good cry in the car before I headed to work. Now I just hope that she isn't the one who rings and gives my results this afternoon.

Day 20

It's mixed news according to the nurse who called with my results this afternoon. My hormone levels have risen which is a good sign, but they are confused about why my follicles and estrogen aren't matching up. They think that it could be a sign that the eggs aren't the best quality. He nurse said the doctor is considering whether to cancel the cycle. She also said that an alternative may be to go ahead with egg collection and freeze all the embryos.

My comments back to her were that firstly, if we do an egg collection, unless I am hyperstimulating, I want to have an embryo transfer. There is nothing lost in trying it, and if it doesn't work, we are no worse off than if we had chosen to not have a transfer. The other thing I said was that I needed more information to make an informed assessment of the situation. Does 'the eggs may be poor quality' indicate that no these eggs wont work at all, or is it simply sub-optimal. If it is the latter, and it is only a reduction in quality (eg from a 45% success rate, to a 35% or even 25% success rate), then I want to keep going. There is a school of thought that embryos that come from a OHSS cycle are poor quality, yet we managed to get pregnant twice from those eggs, so surely it's not the be-all and end-all? But I also realise that if when they mean poor quality they are actually saying the eggs are unusable, well that's a different story. The nurse mentioned that fertilisation can be poor with these eggs, but surely that is what ICSI is used for, where there is a prediction of poor fertilisation?

My estrogen level today is back at 3400 and I have another scan tomorrow morning. If things go well, I may have to take my trigger injection, smack bang in the middle of a concert we are going to tomorrow night. My favourite artist of all time is coming to town and there is no way I am going to miss the show, but it will certainly be experience trying to get a needle through security!

Day 19

I am so nervous. I've done this 13 times before, I should be used to it by now. But I am so scared that we wont get to egg collection. I'm petrified the doctor will say we have to many follicles and risk of hyperstimulation is too high. I worry that my call from the nurses each afternoon will say my hormone levels are too high, or too low, or too something. I have never felt the rollercoaster as much as I have this round.

I don't have a Plan B. I have always had something else to move onto - first it was IVM, then IVF, then frozen transfers, donor sperm and adoption. But we are all out of options. Right now this is the only option, and it is a one time deal according to our Dr. I can't afford to have this fail. I'm not sure my heart can deal with another failure. I keep having these fleeting moments of hope, which I have to squash down so I don't set myself up for a fall. And then I play with my bestie's littlies next door, and my heart beats squeals at me to keep going.

My scan this morning showed around a dozen follicles on each side, the biggest at 16mm with a bunch of 10-14mm follicles trailing. I will update when I know what my estrogen levels are and what is happening next. My guess is another blood test tomorrow, possibly triggering Wednesday night and egg collection on Friday. Trying to keep my head screwed on, and not panic too much. Gosh it is hard.

Edited to add that my blood test results are back and my estrogen levels have dropped to 2200. The clinic can't explain it, and I don't understand it. They said that it may indicate a quality issue, but considering I haven't had that issue before, they are still proceeding. Off for another blood test in the morning.

Day 18

And my hormones have dropped a little bit today, back down to 3300. Had a mini freak-out on the phone, but the nurse assures me that it is perfectly normal for the levels to fluctuate a bit. I'm off to the clinic again tomorrow morning to check what is happening with my follicles. Am hoping there aren't too many people at the clinic in the morning as I have a 9am meeting which our General Manager chairs - not a good look to be late for that one!

This has been a decidedly lazy weekend; lots of lazing on the lounge with the furbabies, heater on, and the football on television. It helps that the weather outside has been on the wet side, giving me an excuse to be this lazy! Hope you are all having a fabulous weekend, wherever you are and whatever the temperature!

Day 17

We are still in it. Estrogen is at 4700 so it hasn't risen too much, yet just enough. My lead follicle was at 14mm (although Murray and I think it is 13mm and the Dr wrote it down as 14 just to make me feel better - true story!). I sighed such a deep sigh of relief when I got the phone call with my results. The nurse said that I need to come in for a blood test, but that my trigger injection should only be a couple of days away.

I can't believe that we are actually going to get to egg collection. At this point of our treatment woes, I can't even visualise being pregnant, but the hope this brings me is immense. I have so many people sending me messages on facebook, twitter, sms and email, moreso than I ever have for other cycles. We need this. Lord, please let this be it.

Day 16

Estrogen is at 4400 and I have to go in for a scan and another hormone check in the morning. Please let this be it...