I have started taking my Provera tablets to bring on my period to start our next round of IVF. Unfortunately we had a bit of a setback financially today - Murray's car broke down. It looks like the transmission will need to be replaced which is a $2-3000 job. SO we have decided to cancel our Hong Kong holiday. We wont get much money back in cancellation fees, but we simply can not afford any money for hotels orspending money while also paying for the car to be fixed. If I'm honest with myself, I know we can't really afford IVF at the moment either. I'm just more willing to make hard sacrifices for our chance to have a child.
I am feeling really positive about the upcoming cycle - I believe that donor sperm could do the trick for us, and we will finally have our child. I have booked in to have acupuncture done this Thursday which I am looking forward to. I need to put everything into this, heart, mind, body and soul.
Monday, 30 August 2010
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Advocating for fertility support
I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want to do with my life in a career sense, and also in terms of what legacy I want to leave behind. IVF and fertility treatment has become such a big part of my life and it is something which I have learnt a lot about over the last four years. I want to harness that information and energy and develop even further in this field. I'm not a scientist or a doctor or a psychologist, but one of the biggest things I feel is missing in this area is timely, accurate and insightful information for people going through this process, both at the beginning and throughout diagnosis, treatment and outcomes. I think I can provide that, especially if I specifically look at the local situation in Australia, rather than a worldwide approach.
I've written notes over the last couple of years on what I would want to cover and have chapter outline written, but before I progress to far with my idea, I needed to sit down and decide how I want to approach this. I needed to make a decision as to whether i pursue this purely for altruistic purposes - as an advocate for fertility patients, offering my future services, products and effort for free in whatever spare time I have. Alternatively I could develop this as a business model that could potentially lead to a career for me as a professional advocate for fertility rights, working with major fertility related organisations, lobbying the government, applying for funding and grants, facilitating forums and conferences and creating resources that will help everyone but also provide a source of income for myself. The first option appeals to me and there is a lot less commitment involved, but the second option could potentially fulfill me more - allowing me to put my 100% into something I am passionate about. So I think this is where I am going to head. I am approaching this not just as a labour of love and a way to give back to the fertility community (although it most certainly is that also), but as a potential career path in doing something that means a lot to me.
Anyway enough for now, my ideas are floating around and I am trying to nail them down and really develop what it is I want to do. I have been inspired by a fabulous friend who has her own business and gave me the push I needed to make me really evaluate what I want out of my life and career. Thanks Fee xxx
I've written notes over the last couple of years on what I would want to cover and have chapter outline written, but before I progress to far with my idea, I needed to sit down and decide how I want to approach this. I needed to make a decision as to whether i pursue this purely for altruistic purposes - as an advocate for fertility patients, offering my future services, products and effort for free in whatever spare time I have. Alternatively I could develop this as a business model that could potentially lead to a career for me as a professional advocate for fertility rights, working with major fertility related organisations, lobbying the government, applying for funding and grants, facilitating forums and conferences and creating resources that will help everyone but also provide a source of income for myself. The first option appeals to me and there is a lot less commitment involved, but the second option could potentially fulfill me more - allowing me to put my 100% into something I am passionate about. So I think this is where I am going to head. I am approaching this not just as a labour of love and a way to give back to the fertility community (although it most certainly is that also), but as a potential career path in doing something that means a lot to me.
Anyway enough for now, my ideas are floating around and I am trying to nail them down and really develop what it is I want to do. I have been inspired by a fabulous friend who has her own business and gave me the push I needed to make me really evaluate what I want out of my life and career. Thanks Fee xxx
Friday, 27 August 2010
Aunty Bec
Don't think I mentioned earlier, I am an aunty again. Jackson Daniel v********** was born, 9 pounds 4 ounces last week. Found out through her sisters facebook page.
I lost my cool today with the Department of Child Protection. Since November I have been trying to get visitation rights for the children to have unsupervised visits with no response from the department. I submitted a formal complaint earlier in the year to the department and received an apology for my treatment and that by the end of July I would have been assessed and approved to have unsupervised visits with my nieces and nephew. Of course that never happened and I still haven't heard a thing from the department. So I started on the phone calls again with no response until I threw a tantrum today on someones voicemail, stating that I would elevate my complaint to the state ombudsman if I did not receive a response by the end of the day today. Well, what a surprise - I had a phone call within an hour booking in my assessment! So frustrated that I have had to push so hard for something which they should want to happen. I haven't seen the kids since Christmas time and I feel so out of the loop with their lives now. Hopefully once I am assessed I can spend some more time with them at our house and we can get back on track.
I lost my cool today with the Department of Child Protection. Since November I have been trying to get visitation rights for the children to have unsupervised visits with no response from the department. I submitted a formal complaint earlier in the year to the department and received an apology for my treatment and that by the end of July I would have been assessed and approved to have unsupervised visits with my nieces and nephew. Of course that never happened and I still haven't heard a thing from the department. So I started on the phone calls again with no response until I threw a tantrum today on someones voicemail, stating that I would elevate my complaint to the state ombudsman if I did not receive a response by the end of the day today. Well, what a surprise - I had a phone call within an hour booking in my assessment! So frustrated that I have had to push so hard for something which they should want to happen. I haven't seen the kids since Christmas time and I feel so out of the loop with their lives now. Hopefully once I am assessed I can spend some more time with them at our house and we can get back on track.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Cruising by
Nothing much happening in our neck of the woods. We are just waiting to start our next IVF cycle next month. Am on day 13 of my cycle at the moment so sometime in September or October it will happen. We don't really have the funds for it at the moment (haven't even arranged any accomodation for our Hong Kong trip yet!) but luckily our clinic allows payment plans. Hopefully Murray's tax return will be decent enough to cover some of the treatment and/or our hotel for our holiday.
My work is going really well at the moment. I recently applied for my bosses job as he is transitioning to retirement. I didn't think I had a shot at all as it is a level 6 managers role (I am a level 4 coordinator), but I thought it would be good for the interview experience. The regional manager called me in and said although I didn't get the position, they were really impressed with me and that I came very close to securing the position!! He has asked if I would be okay with him being my mentor and also offered to find me some acting managerial positions around the business for me to gain experience in, which is just incredible! I was also told that as we are having a huge restructure in the middle of next year, I should try and gain as much experience as possible between now and then as there may be a suitable management position for me then.
I am so excited by the prospects that are available for me. I love the job I am doing and am happy to stay at this level, but knowing that I have the opportunity to go even further gives me hope that I can still have a life and be successful without having a child in my life at this stage. However it does also leave me feeling a little unsettled about the level of responsibility I would have, and also the implications if I do have a child-whether my career would be limited by taking time out for a baby and being able to return on a part-time basis. But not to worry about that right now, I am just soaking it all in and taking it all as it comes.
And a picture to finish of the post - this is Charlie just before he got groomed on the weekend - my beautiful baby boy!
My work is going really well at the moment. I recently applied for my bosses job as he is transitioning to retirement. I didn't think I had a shot at all as it is a level 6 managers role (I am a level 4 coordinator), but I thought it would be good for the interview experience. The regional manager called me in and said although I didn't get the position, they were really impressed with me and that I came very close to securing the position!! He has asked if I would be okay with him being my mentor and also offered to find me some acting managerial positions around the business for me to gain experience in, which is just incredible! I was also told that as we are having a huge restructure in the middle of next year, I should try and gain as much experience as possible between now and then as there may be a suitable management position for me then.
I am so excited by the prospects that are available for me. I love the job I am doing and am happy to stay at this level, but knowing that I have the opportunity to go even further gives me hope that I can still have a life and be successful without having a child in my life at this stage. However it does also leave me feeling a little unsettled about the level of responsibility I would have, and also the implications if I do have a child-whether my career would be limited by taking time out for a baby and being able to return on a part-time basis. But not to worry about that right now, I am just soaking it all in and taking it all as it comes.
And a picture to finish of the post - this is Charlie just before he got groomed on the weekend - my beautiful baby boy!
Saturday, 7 August 2010
A tale of two sisters
I have no sisters but I do have two sisters-in-law.
My husbands sister is married and recently suffered a miscarriage. This isn't the first time it has happened. Back in 2005, she had been with her now-husband for only two months when they fell pregnant accidentally, only to lose the baby at 10 weeks. Now, five years later they are married and have just started trying for a baby (I think they had been delaying until we were pregnant but obviously that's not going to happen anytime soon), they manage to fall pregnant, and then found no heartbeat at the ultrasound. I feel awful for her, I really do. No matter how bittersweet it is when someone falls pregnant and you are still barren, I wish the best for them, and I don't want anyone to have to suffer through losing a baby, or have issues with falling pregnant. I pray that they are able to fall pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy soon.
My brothers partner is also my 'sister-in-law'. She is due to have her fifth child any day now. They have decided to name the little boy 'Jackson Daniel', which has the unfortunate 'coincidence' of also being close in name to their favourite alcoholic beverage - Jack Daniels. I will have a new nephew but am unlikely to receive any sort of notification when he is born from her or the family. I wont get it from my brother as he is in jail (long story which I can't divulge here). This child will be born into a broken family, and will likely be taken off my 'sister' once he is weaned, unless by some miracle they deem her fit to parent him.
God, if you are listening which I believe you are, please show me the wisdom in your ways, because I am mere mortal and simply can not comprehend any of this.
My husbands sister is married and recently suffered a miscarriage. This isn't the first time it has happened. Back in 2005, she had been with her now-husband for only two months when they fell pregnant accidentally, only to lose the baby at 10 weeks. Now, five years later they are married and have just started trying for a baby (I think they had been delaying until we were pregnant but obviously that's not going to happen anytime soon), they manage to fall pregnant, and then found no heartbeat at the ultrasound. I feel awful for her, I really do. No matter how bittersweet it is when someone falls pregnant and you are still barren, I wish the best for them, and I don't want anyone to have to suffer through losing a baby, or have issues with falling pregnant. I pray that they are able to fall pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy soon.
My brothers partner is also my 'sister-in-law'. She is due to have her fifth child any day now. They have decided to name the little boy 'Jackson Daniel', which has the unfortunate 'coincidence' of also being close in name to their favourite alcoholic beverage - Jack Daniels. I will have a new nephew but am unlikely to receive any sort of notification when he is born from her or the family. I wont get it from my brother as he is in jail (long story which I can't divulge here). This child will be born into a broken family, and will likely be taken off my 'sister' once he is weaned, unless by some miracle they deem her fit to parent him.
God, if you are listening which I believe you are, please show me the wisdom in your ways, because I am mere mortal and simply can not comprehend any of this.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Back and blogging
Sorry for the extended absence, I have needed some time to get my head screwed on straight. I mentioned several posts ago that my depression had come back. Well I am slowly headed out of the dark and getting myself back together, but my entire personality changed for about a month after I reduced my antidepressant dose. I have now gone back to my original dose with the blessing of my GP and things are definitely improving, and fingers crossed there will be a time in the near future where I wont even notice these feelings anymore. But enough of that, I just wanted to give you all an update to let you know I am doing fine.
We met with our fertility specialist this afternoon. Going into the meeting I was a tad apprehensive, after all this is the guy I said I didn't trust and didn't want to be my specialist. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and start from scratch. The meeting went okay, although the first words out of his mouth was "well, that was a self-fulfilling prophecy" about me ending up close to hyperstimulating and having to cancel my cycle. That got me offside from the beginning. I told him that our donor is only IVF quality and not suitable for IUI which limited our options (which I am happy about, the more I thought about it, I dont think Clomid IUI would work for us). So he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to give IVF another try and lets put some measures in place to avoid OHSS. I presented a list of things that I had researched as possible options to help avoid OHSS (Using Methylprednisolone, Using an agonist to trigger ovulation no HCG, low dose aspirin and Cabergoline). Of all of those, he only believes in using Cabergoline (he doesn't usually use it but is happy for me to use it from my trigger injection). I don't know exactly how it works but a couple of studies have shown a link between its use and a reduction in OHSS so I am happy to give it a go.
I am on day two today, after a 68 day cycle (so much fun), so he has asked me to wait 28 days, do a blood test just in case (yeah right!) and then take Provera to induce a bleed to start IVF. So I thought , ok this has been a productive meeting, he is a bit gruff but maybe he was just having a bad day when I first saw him, maybe I had misjudged him. Not once did he push for Ovarian Drilling or any other procedures. We got up to leave and he walked us to the door. As he opened the door he asked me if I had reconsidered Ovarian Drilling (wouldn't he have asked me earlier if he thought it was a serious consideration). When I said that I still wasn't keen on it, he said (and I quote) "You can lead the horse to water..." and stomped off back into his room! So I have decided he is a rude little man. Admittedly all will be forgiven if he gets me pregnant but he certainly wont be getting any referrals from me!
Onwards and upwards as they say. So we are cycling again in September. It seems such a long time ago that this journey started - over four years ago that we began trying to conceive our baby. And a whole year has passed since we lost Vanilla, our precious little girl. At that point I thought I couldn't go on living - yet I am still here. That must count for something.
We met with our fertility specialist this afternoon. Going into the meeting I was a tad apprehensive, after all this is the guy I said I didn't trust and didn't want to be my specialist. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and start from scratch. The meeting went okay, although the first words out of his mouth was "well, that was a self-fulfilling prophecy" about me ending up close to hyperstimulating and having to cancel my cycle. That got me offside from the beginning. I told him that our donor is only IVF quality and not suitable for IUI which limited our options (which I am happy about, the more I thought about it, I dont think Clomid IUI would work for us). So he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to give IVF another try and lets put some measures in place to avoid OHSS. I presented a list of things that I had researched as possible options to help avoid OHSS (Using Methylprednisolone, Using an agonist to trigger ovulation no HCG, low dose aspirin and Cabergoline). Of all of those, he only believes in using Cabergoline (he doesn't usually use it but is happy for me to use it from my trigger injection). I don't know exactly how it works but a couple of studies have shown a link between its use and a reduction in OHSS so I am happy to give it a go.
I am on day two today, after a 68 day cycle (so much fun), so he has asked me to wait 28 days, do a blood test just in case (yeah right!) and then take Provera to induce a bleed to start IVF. So I thought , ok this has been a productive meeting, he is a bit gruff but maybe he was just having a bad day when I first saw him, maybe I had misjudged him. Not once did he push for Ovarian Drilling or any other procedures. We got up to leave and he walked us to the door. As he opened the door he asked me if I had reconsidered Ovarian Drilling (wouldn't he have asked me earlier if he thought it was a serious consideration). When I said that I still wasn't keen on it, he said (and I quote) "You can lead the horse to water..." and stomped off back into his room! So I have decided he is a rude little man. Admittedly all will be forgiven if he gets me pregnant but he certainly wont be getting any referrals from me!
Onwards and upwards as they say. So we are cycling again in September. It seems such a long time ago that this journey started - over four years ago that we began trying to conceive our baby. And a whole year has passed since we lost Vanilla, our precious little girl. At that point I thought I couldn't go on living - yet I am still here. That must count for something.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Holiday Update
We had an amazing time on holiday, still trying to get back on track with everything so no huge update. All I can say is that Langkawi is a beautiful island and everyone should visit! Unfortunately our camera broke down half way through the trip so many pics are blurry or unusable. Have included a couple of photos below from the holiday. Will do a proper catch up soon - promise!
Sailing the Andaman Sea
Kayaking through the mangroves
The beach at the resort
More beach - slightly overcast day but perfect conditions
Monkeys everywhere - these ones at a park...
... and these ones next to our room!
Shopping in KL - the Paul Frank store!!!
And yummy free afternoon tea at our KL hotel
Cocktails before the Usher concert!
Time to party!
The Petronas towers up close
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
A sneak peek from our holiday
Still on holiday - it's our last day in Langkawi today, we fly to Singapore tomorrow morning for a couple more days of retail therapy before we get home on Friday night. We have had a great time but I am looking forward to being back in my own bed and cuddling my Charlie Hustle - have missed him so much!
Murrays birthday was yesterday and we went out for lunch at the Sheraton Langkawi, and I also sent Murray off in the morning to the day spa to have a body scrub, wrap and massage which he loved. Lucky boy - he got a car GPS and new kicks before we went on holiday as well! My birthday is coming up on the 21st so I hope he is taking notes!!!
Unfortunately my depression has reared its head while I've been away - thinking it is time that I really get sorted out. I don't want to wreck any chances of getting approved to adopt but I do think I should go and see a psych to get my medication worked out and get a proper plan to help me out.
Anyone enough of that for now - will see you all when I get back :-)
Murrays birthday was yesterday and we went out for lunch at the Sheraton Langkawi, and I also sent Murray off in the morning to the day spa to have a body scrub, wrap and massage which he loved. Lucky boy - he got a car GPS and new kicks before we went on holiday as well! My birthday is coming up on the 21st so I hope he is taking notes!!!
Unfortunately my depression has reared its head while I've been away - thinking it is time that I really get sorted out. I don't want to wreck any chances of getting approved to adopt but I do think I should go and see a psych to get my medication worked out and get a proper plan to help me out.
Anyone enough of that for now - will see you all when I get back :-)
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Depression and illness
It's been a rough couple of days. I have been very excited about our trip away but the black dog has reared its head, making the last few days quite unbearable. For the last two weeks I have had a range of illnesses, from the flu, to gastro, to a cold. I woke up at 4am Saturday morning vomiting which wasn't pretty. I don't know where all the illness has come from, but I know that it has a terrible affect on my mental state.
Whenever I get ill, I get depressed. I recognise that it is depression and that it is linked to feeling sick and that I will get over it soon but when you are in that moment, it is so hard to get yourself through. Yesterday I was getting really agitated and depressed, I basically slept on the couch from 3pm until midnight because sleeping is the one relief that I get from the constant anxious and agitated feelings.
I do feel a lot better today, still a little anxious, but on the whole so much better than I was yesterday. It's amazing how much of a link there is between my physical and mental condition.
When I get back from my holiday, it is time for me to get back into shape - start eating healthily and heading back to the gym. I have a fair idea that part of my illness at least has been caused by not looking after myself and bingeing on whatever food I want to eat. I am also considering going back up 20mg on my anti-depressants, just to get myself through this winter patch.
Anyway, I am starting to pack for my holiday, the fogginess in my head is clearing so I am going to enjoy my husband and puppy, watch some footy on tv and look forward to my holiday away.
Whenever I get ill, I get depressed. I recognise that it is depression and that it is linked to feeling sick and that I will get over it soon but when you are in that moment, it is so hard to get yourself through. Yesterday I was getting really agitated and depressed, I basically slept on the couch from 3pm until midnight because sleeping is the one relief that I get from the constant anxious and agitated feelings.
I do feel a lot better today, still a little anxious, but on the whole so much better than I was yesterday. It's amazing how much of a link there is between my physical and mental condition.
When I get back from my holiday, it is time for me to get back into shape - start eating healthily and heading back to the gym. I have a fair idea that part of my illness at least has been caused by not looking after myself and bingeing on whatever food I want to eat. I am also considering going back up 20mg on my anti-depressants, just to get myself through this winter patch.
Anyway, I am starting to pack for my holiday, the fogginess in my head is clearing so I am going to enjoy my husband and puppy, watch some footy on tv and look forward to my holiday away.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Getting ready
We are slowly getting ready for our marvellous holiday! We leave Tuesday morning for Kuala Lumpur, staying for three nights of shopping and sightseeing before flying to Langkawi for five nights of pure luxury and relaxation. Then through Singapore for 'the great Singapore sale' for two nights of retail therapy and yummy food before getting home on the 16th. We are really looking forward to some time away from work and 'normal' life - this will be really good for us.
Langkawi accomodation
Langkawi Pool bar
Langkawi Resort
Only six more sleeps!!!
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Day 21
So maybe it's not my period... it seems to have gone back to just spotting. Bleh.
My last post I said I don't trust my doctor, but the truth is I have only met him the once, and everything I feel is based on that one meeting and obviously this cycle being a bust. So I am trying to change my way of thinking, and I guess my August appointment with him is me giving him another shot. If he can make me feel more confident that he can do this, then I will proceed and do something in between now and November. But if I come out of my appointment feeling the way I do now, then we will be on an extended break until November, and probably January before we begin treatment again. *sigh*
My last post I said I don't trust my doctor, but the truth is I have only met him the once, and everything I feel is based on that one meeting and obviously this cycle being a bust. So I am trying to change my way of thinking, and I guess my August appointment with him is me giving him another shot. If he can make me feel more confident that he can do this, then I will proceed and do something in between now and November. But if I come out of my appointment feeling the way I do now, then we will be on an extended break until November, and probably January before we begin treatment again. *sigh*
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