The last days of 2010

Somehow I have gotten sick. Not serious thank goodness, but enough to be uncomfortable and frustrated. I've had an awful sore throat for a couple of days and some headaches, body aches and dizziness. Thinking it could be a 48 hour virus. Hopefully it will be out of my system soon.

I've been off work for a week and a half so far and it has been so relaxing for us not to go away anywhere - just to stay here and relax. Christmas Day went really well, everybody seemed to have a great time. Not looking forward to going back to work on the 4th of January but that's life!

We are hoping to go along to the Peggy Gugenheim showing at the Art Museum in Perth - while we certainly aren't the artsy-types, I think it's good to get outside of your comfort zone occasionally, and the chance to see a couple of Picasso's is incredible. Can't believe we will get to go to the Louvre next year!!!

And on that note I am going to drag myself back to the lounge room, wrap myself in my blanket and get my husband to bring me some tea.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! We are hosting Christmas today and a smattering of family from both families will be attending. I'm looking forward to having a nice barbecue and sitting back with everything all prepared for the day. I'm not looking forward to the searing heat and humidity - it's ridiculously sticky already!

I just wanted to wish you all a lovely christmas, wherever you are in the world, however you choose to celebrate.

All our love,
Rebecca, Murray & Charlie xxx

A plan for the year ahead

I've done a lot of thinking these last few days, and in my mind I have come to some decisions about what I want 2011 to be about. I want this year ahead to be about Murray & I enjoying our lives, while still making progress towards extending our family. Some thoughts on what I want from the new year ahead.

Children
We plan on continuing the adoption process and ideally having our application approved by October. I am under no illusions that this will be easy. We still have a hurdle to cross with Murray's medical assessment, but I know we can work through it get it sorted out. I am looking forward to the assessment process and getting to learn more about ourselves and how our lives would work with our future adoptive child.

The big thing that I have decided is that I don't want to do another egg collection any time soon. Money is one of the reason - we simply can not afford a $7000 upfront cost to do a full round of IVF. But it's not just that. It's about taking back control. The egg collection and FSH stimulation make me feel awful physically, and I'm not ready to jump back into that without being 100% prepared first.

I do plan on following up the possibility of embryo donation and would be happy to go ahead with a donated embryo transfer this year, as this is a lot less invasive than a full treatment cycle. Murray and I have also discussed the possibility of doing a donor IUI cycle... more about that in the next section

Health
I am having Ovarian Drilling done on Feb 14 next year - just the way I want to spend Valentine's Day! It's not something I wanted to try, for a very long time I have resisted having the surgery done, but I am going to go with it and see it as a positive option. While I may not give me my baby, it may help me regain some regularity with my cycles which help a lot. If it has an impact on my weight as well, that would be even more amazing. I am planning to start temping again once the surgery is done, fingers crossed it will help get my body on track.

If my PCOS is somehow diminished by treatment, our doctor has suggested we may like to try donor insemination before we head back to IVF. If we are lucky enough that my cycles start to regulate better after the surgery, then we will consider doing this. At the moment it is just another option on the horizon.

I have stacked on the weight in the last 8 months - 12 kilos in under a year is not good and I can feel the impact it has on my joints, my self-esteem and my lifestyle. I haven't exercised regularly for 6 months, and my eating is out of control. So slowly but steadily I am going to get back into treating my body right. That doesn't mean perfection though. I'm never going to be a size 10, nor will I exercise every day and eat all the right things. It's about having balance and getting myself to a place where I get my confidence back and start to feel good. I'll know that point when I get there. No particular plan except having accountability to myself (although #twitfit seems like a winner to me).

Work
My workplace can be quite unfriendly at times, especially when my co-workers feel threatened by somebody or something, and I think that I fit into that category. Unfortunately I have lowered myself to their level at times, and my work has suffered. I want that to change in the new year. I know it is okay that I get upset and frustrated by the comments and attitude from other people, but I need to be bigger than that and continue my work to the best of my ability.  At the end of 2011, a complete restructure of our area will happen, and I want to position myself so that I could be considered for career progression into a supervisory role. I want to feel happy at work again, and that happiness has to come from me.
Marriage
You know what, this is the one area of my life that I can honestly say is going well. Murray and I are so connected, through everything we have been through, our bond gets stronger every day. The one thing that I want to work on is me being more patient. Hubby can be a bit daft at times and I have a sharp tongue, I need to work on not being so quick to quip, and let him sort things out for himself. 

Finances
We have decided to go see a financial planner finally to help us work out where to start on the debt. You know how sometimes you let things get too bad that you don't know where to start? Yep - that's us. So time to bring in the big guns (Aimee - Will email you soon to take you up on your offer :-P) We would like to get rid of at least one credit card by the end of the year, and be able to afford comfortably our trip to Europe in October. Yes that may seem like a contradiction but I believe it is doable, we just need to work out how.

So that's the plan, at least for the moment. I feel quite at peace with the decision to hold off on IVF for the moment. I do have fears of course - my sister-in-law is due in June and I know that will be tough on me and Murray. I also worry that if something goes wrong in our lives - adoption, surgery, work etc, that we will fall back onto our old crutches - spending money, eating bad food and ultimately sinking into depression again.

Bring on 2011!

Anonymous

Gee I hate anonymous comments. To whoever wrote the anonymous comment on my last post - thank you. I mean that, I'm not hating on you, because I choose to believe that you are writing that from a place of love and concern. You did... right?

Yes we have booked flights to Europe. Yes that costs money, something which is in short supply with us at the moment. But you know what? I don't care. Scratch that, we don't care.

Murray's Christmas bonus will cover our flights, and he gets another lump sum bonus in April which will go towards accommodation. And damn it - this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

No we won't be pursuing IVF, at least not for the next six months. I am having ovarian drilling down in February which thankfully is completely covered under my health insurance, and that will put me out of action for a little while. Murray and I also want to focus on our adoption application for a little while and get through the assessment process which will take the best part of six months next year.

To some, this holiday may seem stupid, even irresponsible. But for us, it is a lifeline. Something amazing to look forward to, something beyond our wildest dreams. Something to help compensate for our lack of offspring in our lives. If you don't get that, that's fine, you don't have to. And yes it will be tough - we will have to knuckle down. But it is going to be good. So good. And that is what I am looking forward to.

We are going to....

Europe!

Just a quick one from me, there was a big sale on flights today and we have taken the plunge and have booked flights to London through Kuala Lumpur for October school holidays next year! We can only take off two weeks from work so it will be a short adventure, but we are both climbing the walls - we are so excited!

No idea where we will go yet, can't do too much in 14 days but we will definitely make the most of it. Thinking London, Paris and Frankfurt, but who knows!

Yay for something nice to look forward to next year.

Winded

I feel like all the breath has come out of me. I can't breathe, I can't cope.

I was going through my facebook feed as you do, and saw a picture of a beautiful baby lying peacefully in bed. I clicked on it and immediately saw that it was my ex-best friends baby - four days old.

This is the best friend who one day stopped talking to me and I never knew why. No argument, no big fight, nothing - she just one day stopped returning my calls and that was it. Who also 'coincidentally' stopped talking to me right as I started trying for a baby.

I feel winded, the photo literally took my breath away. It hurts. A lot.

Injury prone

Somehow I have hurt my back to the extent that I didn't even get dressed today as it hurt too bad. I have moved only from my bed to the bathroom when needed. My back has been sore ever since the triathlon a few weeks back, but I think four plane trip in short succession has done it in.

I only got back to work yesterday after spending most of last week in South Australia for my cousins funeral. It was probably one of the most awful days I have ever experienced. Not really up to talking about it right now, am slowly getting back into normal life. Of course my back seizing up hasn't really helped that. My Mum is really stuggling to cope with it all and I don't know how to help her.

Blah, okay enough dribbling, time to try and get to bed, the pain is agonising. Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow and it is somewhat better, I can't afford to miss any more time away from work.

9 reasons why owning a dog is the best thing ever

1. Early morning snuggles

2. Watching him run to the gate when I leave for work
3. Beach runs

4. Watching him chase his tail like he doesn't realise it's a part of him
5. Teary, cheer-me-up snuggles
6. Going for adventures at new places

7. Watching his tail thump furiously as I walk in the front door
8. Sneaky nibbles of our leftovers when we have finished dinner
9. Late night snuggles

Can I just have a whinge?

My period arrived like a mother****** yesterday and I am in pain. Serious pain. Like pull out all the best drugs kind of pain.
I have asked for permission from my unit controller not to do my exam tonight. It means I have to do it sometime in February next year but I just can't deal with the thought of being stuck in a room of people for 2.5 hours.
Murray has been screwed over by his previous school - again. No details, just lots of anger and anguish on his part. He feels worthless and has taken a big hit over all of it.

It is all f*cked.
But we are alive. Even through the pain and anger and every other which-way emotion, we are alive and present. So I know I can get through it. We can get through it.

I just wish my cousin was here too.

In the midst of it all

In the midst of it all, there are small periods of brightness. Murrays sister is eight weeks pregnant. I am happy for her, and it has been the first thing that has lifted my mood since the accident. Yet I can't help but feel my own sadness at the news. I wish my brain would just shut off sometimes and just let me be. I don't want to be selfish and guilty and depressed.

I'm not sure if I will be able to make it to the funeral as I have an exam tomorrow and then an exam next Monday also, and the funeral is likely to be either this coming Friday or the Monday of the exam.

Grieving

It is our fifth wedding anniversary today but it is the furtherest thing from my mind. My cousin Shaun was killed in a motorcycle accident yesterday afternoon. I have not seen him for a couple of years as he lives in South Australia and now I will never get to again. I am in absolute shock as is my Mum and brother and the whole family. . Shaun is, was, a year older than me, only 25. I spoke to his Mum, my aunty, this morning. We just cried and cried. She said she is being strong but I just cant imagine how she is coping. I have arranged for my Mum to fly over Monday morning, and I am hoping to go to the funeral when it happens. Have spent all day in bed, alternating between tears and sleep. RIP Shaun.

Our day at the beach

Murray, Charlie & I went to the beach today to mark the first day of leave for me - No work for me until Nov 18th YAY! I took a couple of pics on my Blackberry but this one is my favourite, he is so damn cute!

It is Charlie's 1st birthday in a couple of weeks and we are organising a casual gettogether with our friends and their dogs along with doggy birthday cake! It's going to be so much fun!



The next step

We had a doctor appointment with our specialist this afternoon. He said that he had reviewed our file and with the recent cancelled cycles, he wasn't willing to continue IVF treatment without first doing Ovarian Drilling. I haven't been keen on the surgery but I have finally relented and agreed to do it. I am booked in for Feb 14 next year - Valentines Day. The surgery is completely covered by my private health insurance so it's worth a shot.

To be honest I don't know if I plan to do another IVF cycle for a while. Being in the doctors rooms today made me feel so uncomfortable, I just didn't want to be there, doing all of this. It's not what I want to be doing right now, so it is taking a back seat for a while. I have an appointment booked for another doctor in two weeks - we had to book six months in advance to see her, but now I am thinking about cancelling. I'm just really not sure.

Another thing we have done is arranged for us to be added to the donor embryo waiting list at Concept. We don't how the long wait could be but it's another option. Murray & I also have another idea which we are working on and hopefully I'll be able to show you here in a couple of weeks.

All of our friends are completing their adoption reference reports at the moment, so fingers crossed they will be submitted soon and we can continue along our adoption path.

Things are ticking over slowly but steadily which I am happy with. We are just enjoying ourselves and spending time together. It's our fifth wedding anniversary next Friday, and we love each other. We have our puppy Charlie who brings a lot of light into our lives. We are okay.

Next question - is Rebecca a good parent?

Our adoption referees have been contacted and asked to complete a questionnaire about us. About whether we could be good parents or not. I am filled with excitement and fear at the same time.

What if people really don't think we could be good parents? 

What if there are issues that we have never discussed? 

What if they secretly don't think we can do this, but because of our friendship, they wouldn't say something to our face but will write it down instead? 

I know it's crazy thinking, after all we chose our four closest friends, the people we trust the most, who know us the best, to do this for us. As the cover letter says, no parent is perfect, so they are encouraging people to write about the good as well as the not-so-good.

But matter how much I try and convince myself, I am running scared today. 

Deflated

R has decided that she isn't comfortable donating her embryos as a known donation, only anonymously. It took them a long time to make the decision to donate their embryos and they don't want to deal with anymore 'stuff' (eg counselling, quarantine times etc) dealing with it. I do understand where they are coming from, and 100% accept their decision. I just can't help feeling that tiny bit of disappointment, knowing that we may have had a shot at being pregnant and having a baby. Murray was really attached to the idea of embryo donation as well, so am worried about how he will react to the news.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Possibilities arising

I got a very interesting call from my friend B yesterday. B rang to tell me that a friend of hers R who I have met on several occasions (hens night, baby shower etc) is donating her excess embryos to her IVF clinic. R has had two children through IVF and have finished their family and are going to donate their five embryos. They are planning to do so anonymously through the IVF clinic, but B knowing our situation, rang me to let me know.

I have asked her to forward my details to R, just to talk about the possibility of donating straight to a couple rather than anonymously. As I said to B, if she is not interested, and they have chosen to donate anonymously because that is what they would prefer, then that is perfectly fine and I would never hold that against them. But perhaps they haven't though about the option of donating directly, and it would absolutely be something that we would love to do. It may also give them the option of having regular updates and contact with children that result from their embryos.

Without building this up too much in my head, because I know the probability is that we wont receive those embryos, this would be the perfect option for us. I have so much trouble going through the IVF process physically, I don't know if I will get to do another egg collection. Being able to go straight to transfer and missing all the drugs that mess me around as much as they do would be fabulous. It would also be great having a known donor, whether they choose to have contact or not, our children would have a much clearer picture of their identity, coming from knowing their genetic history.

We never pinned our hopes on embryo donation because it is quite rare in Australia and the waiting lists are years long, but I can't help but be a little excited about this!

Whether R takes up the offer to talk to us or not, it is still amazing to see options open up for us like this. It gives me hope that one day we really will be parents. I don't know how or when, but I feel that it is possible, which is the first step.

Posted!

Posted!

Application submitted!

We have finally submitted our adoption application! It has only taken 9 months to get our act together and get it done! We had completed most of the paperwork back in May but somewhere along the line we misplaced Murrays birth certificate and our marriage certificate which we needed certified copies of. So we put it to the side and got distracted with life. Now that we have put treatment to the side for a while to concentrate on our finances, we decided to refocus on getting our adoption stuff sorted.

So yesterday afternoon I searched high and low for the certificates with no luck. However Murray happened to open a file I hadn't looked at and found them straight away! We made a mad dash to get a money order for our police clearance, and a trip to the chemist to get copies of our documents certified, and it is all in the post as of this morning!

Unfortunately we will need to fork out $750 for the assessment of our application, but besides that fee, there is very little else we will need to pay even if and when we are placed with a child.

So here goes - a new stage, something old and new for me to focus my energies on.

Broke flat broke

This is a very difficult post to write for me. We are broke. We have been for a while, but we have a way of living beyond our means, and making it work. Our way of making it work was living on credit. But we have finally realised that have hit the wall and can't keep doing this.

When we first started trying for a baby back in 2006, we were perfectly set up. We had savings in the bank, no credit card debt, a mortgage that was under control. Slowly but steadily we used up our savings, refinanced our mortgage and acquired credit cards. A big chunk of that was for IVF, doctors visits, acupuncture and fertility related treatment, but we also have been on several holidays and live a comfortable life.

Now it has reached the point where we can no longer afford fertility treatment. It hurts to write that down. So we are taking a break. I don't know when we will be able to do it again - it might be six months, it might be a year, maybe even longer. I am hoping that come next March or April we will be in a position to begin IVF again. But for the moment I have to make peace with the fact that I will be left behind. Girlfriends who have that their first child during the time we have been trying, will conceive their second. My sister-in-law will fall pregnant and I will need to cope with the emotions that come with that. In the past I have been able to tell myself that our baby is not far away and that is somewhat comforting. But I can't hold onto that while we aren't doing treatment. Because our child is a long way away. It's not going to happen this year, and it may not happen next year.

We are still pursuing adoption. We had all but decided to let our application expire, but with a lot of prayer, we have decided to continue with the process. I have 95% of our forms complete, and just need a couple of certified documents before we submit them to the government department that looks after adoption. This isn't a quick fix though. While it is great to have something else to concentrate on and put our energies into, we aren't under any illusion that this will bring us our child.

In Western Australia, around 5-10 local babies are adopted each year. At any one time there are around 80 approved couples to adopt those babies, with the number of approved applicants increasing each year. The odds aren't in our favour. While we will continue to pray and hope, we also must also be realistic that adoption is not likely to be the way we complete our family.

I will still be blogging, but there may be longer breaks in between posts. Hopefully you don't get bored of me and stick around, because I have a feeling I am going to need as much support as I can get over this time.

Once again

Only a quick update from me now as I am exhausted! Just got back from a marathon hairdressing appointment to get my perm done again. It's not quite the same as before - way curlier in fact, but hoping it just needs time to settle back into the nice waves I had.

Once again the bleeding a couple of days ago wasn't a real period. It sure felt like one - heavy flow and cramping, but everything just disappeared after one day, rather than my usual 4-5 days. Thanks body, I really needed that right now.

I started back at the gym this week, but I am going to take this slow and steady. Silly me has committed to entering a triathlon with a girlfriend in 6 weeks - there is no way I am going to be ready but no doubt I will do it anyway. Like I said - silly me!

OK off to bed for a nanna nap - will be back later with a more full update - a certain person has aggravated me again (no not Murray!) and I need a good vent!

M y body's epic fail

My body has decided to quite working and I have my period on Day 21. I have no idea what is going on with it, except that clearly it doesn't like me much. That's okay - I don't like my body much either at the moment.

I am back on my health kick - today is day 2 of exercise and eating well and I am feeling exhausted. I know I will get past that feeling and get an energy boost in a week or so, but gee I could really use that right now.

Study week for uni this week thank goodness, so no lectures or hard thinking. My brain has turned to mush, I am being unproductive at work and sleeping my non-working hours away. No sleep in for me tomorrow though, I have to be at Mandurah  at 7am for a toolbox meeting, which means leaving home at 5.45am tomorrow - ouch! Which means off to bed I go...

Night all.

Musings

I have taken up the challenge from the lovely Bec (yes there are two of us - I imagine very confusing for our friends), to answer some questions. Here we go...


1. Do you have any pets? Yes, our 10 month old Beaglier puppy Charlie Hustle - he is our baby!
2. Name 3 things that are physically close to you. My Blackberry, water bottle and a disposable camera from our holiday that I was meant to get developed months ago
3. What’s the weather like right now? It's midnight so cold and dark! But it was a beautiful day
4. Do you drive? If so have you crashed? Yes a Peugeot 307 - never crashed
5. What time did you wake up this morning? 8.30am for Church at 9
6. When was the last time you showered? Last night after painting
7. What was the last movie you saw? Can't remember. Oh yes, it was Matching Jack, an Australian film. Sad but different to my usual genre
8. What does your last text message say? "Hey hon, can't see the picture. Just at church. Don't spend too much money on me k xxx" (Murray sent through a picture of a handbag as he is in Melbourne this week)
9. What’s your ringtone? Depends - Rude Boy by Rihanna for Murray and Telephone by Lady Gaga for everyone else. Actually I may change that tonight!
10. Have you ever been to a different country? Yes - to Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand and Fiji! Love the tropical paradise holidays!
11. Do you like sushi? Yes
12. Where do you buy your groceries? Coles online - love having my shopping delivered to my house
13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Oh how I love thee Temazapam! Not on it at the moment thank goodness, but has been a lifesaver in the past
14. How many siblings do you have? Two younger brothers, 21 & 20
15. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Both, my desktop is in the study, and a little netbook that I got for my birthday which I use around the house and at uni
16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 25!
17. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Nope but I totally wish I had a pair of hot secretary glasses!
18. Do you color your hair? Occasionally
19. Tell me something you are planning to do today. 
Today as in Monday? I guess it is 7 minutes past midnight which makes it a new day. Ummm picking up my husband from the airport!
20. When was the last time you cried? Monday. Cancelled IVF cycle :-(
21. What is your perfect pizza topping? I had the most amazing pizza years ago which was a Thai Red Curry pizza at the Cowaramup Brewery near Margaret River - absolutely yummy
22. Which do you prefer-hamburgers or cheeseburgers? Mcdonalds cheeseburger all the way
23. Have you ever had an all-nighter? Yes.
24. What is your eye color? Blue
25. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke? Yup

NOW - I totally tag all of you to do this!


And that's it for me, it's just gone midnight and luckily tomorrow is a Public Holiday so no work! Yippee! I also get my husband back! Murray and his sister went on holiday to Melbourne for the week and I have been on my lonesome, but it has actually been quite nice having time to myself, pull myself together.

I have started thinking about a major life change. My weight has ballooned out once again. It is completely my fault, I have excuse after excuse, but that it all they are - excuses. My girlfriend Bec (the same one who tagged me) had a gastric sleeve operation done earlier this year. and I am starting to think seriously about having the operation done. One of the recommendations is that you don't try and get pregnant for at least a year, preferably two years after the surgery which obviously would be hard. But I need something different, and I feel my weight is interfering in my life - both with IVF and more generally.  I don't know, just an idea at this stage.

I have also decided to submit our adoption paperwork this week. We had filled in the paperwork and put it to the side because we wanted to have an embryo transfer before we made a decision to pursue adoption. I think I am ready to do this now though. A chance conversation about an acquaintance who adopted locally has really opened my heart and eyes, and I want to give it a try. Am worried our finances and Murray's dodgy medical report will hinder us, but we can only try.

So we keep on keeping on I guess.

Where to from here?

Not much to update, I am once again on an enforced break, unable to control my body, my fertility. I am okay, in fact I am doing a lot better than I thought would be possible. Murray left last night on a mini holiday with his sister to Melbourne, so I am on my own for the next five nights. I thought it would be hard, but already the space has allowed me to process my thoughts and just be me for a while without having to worry about anyone else. It's actually quite healing just spending time with our puppy, doing lots of reading - no TV or arguing over dinner. Just me and my thoughts. Dangerous yet soothing. I know there will be a point sometime soon where I will need to cry and vent, but for now I am okay.

Day 12 - All over

As predicted, my cycle was cancelled this afternoon. My estrogen finally kicked in and went back up to 1500 but my follicles hadn't grown much at all. My primary follicle was at 24mm, but the next biggest was 13 with some at 9 and 8, and plenty of small ones at 6mm. The nurses said that I could trigger and do a timed intercourse cycle but Murray is going to Melbourne tomorrow so the timing would be off, and we know the likelihood of it working isn't worth the heartache. So it's over. Again.

I have left a message for my doctor to call me tomorrow about a change in protocol. I'm thinking that I might try a flare cycle with Lucrin injections, and hopefully he will consider moving my gonal-f dose to 150iu to see if that makes a difference. Which means starting all over again in November, as the clinic always wants a rest cycle in between treatment cycles. I don't bother fighting that any more, I realise that I need it for my sanity more than I realise.

I'm hurting but surviving. I have some beautiful friends who have helped me through today, distracting me and providing good loving.Thank you, you know who you are.

Day 10 - lowering the bar

My estrogen is down to 950 and I am distraught. I don't know what to do. My dr wants me to come in for another scan and bloodtest on Monday, but told the nurses that there it is a possibility that this cycle will be cancelled. I just don't know why my body is doing and what I can do to make a difference. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this again if the cycle is cancelled
Sent via BlackBerry® from Vodafone

Day 9 - The estrogen limbo

My estrogen level has dropped again to 1200. I don't have a clue how or why this has happened. I don't think it is normal - could this affect the quality of my eggs? The ultrasound showed that my 14mm follicle has grown to 22mm in the pas three days, so maybe that follicle is absorbing all of my gonal-f? I do have about 8 other follicles growing between 5-9mm each. Can follicles collapse? I'm hoping that the 22mm follicle will collapse, allowing the other follicles to start soaking up the FSH and grow! Seriously, how can I go from being overstiulated al the time, to going backwards!

Off to the hospital tomorrow for another blood test to see where we are at. I'm worried that this cycle is a bust already, but I so badly just want to get to egg collection and transfer that I am willing to go ahead even if the conditions aren't perfect. I'm not sure I will ever get a 'textbook' IVF cycle - damn it!

Still highly emotional at the moment. Two of my girlfriends have just seperated from their husbands, and a mate has broken up with his long term girlfriend of five years. Another friend has been to two funerals this week for people at work. Everything just seems to be collapsing, and I can feel my grip on 'normalcy' slowly slipping away. My poor veins aren't doing too flash either - four bloodtests in a row is plenty enough to make my veins shrivel up and hide everytime the phleb comes close to me with a needle.

Oh well, it is the weekend thank goodness. I am sitting in my Economics lecture theatre waiting for my lecturer to arrive and spend the next three hours going over macroeconomic theory - oh the torture. The one good news that I received today is that I got 100% on my midsemester Accounting exam I did last weekend! My first ever 100% result and in a subject I find quite difficult, so that has given me a little bit of my wind back this afternoon. Hopefully it is a good omen!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Day 8 - holding steady

Somehow my estrogen level is still at 1300. Back at the clinic tomorrow for a blood test and scan. Am happy that for once my body isn't spiralling out of control with the hint of hormones, but at the same time - come on! Just play nicely ovaries - please!

The best scenario is that the big follicle has collapsed, and the other follicles have increased in size which would account for the hormone level to have stayed the same. Google is not helping my cause, I have always had quite high estrogen levels during IVF, but some websites say that anything over 4000 is really bad and should be cancelled because of OHSS - but nearly every cycle I have done has over 4000 by trigger? Who knows, I am just going to see what happens on the ultrasound tomorrow. The fact that I am underdone means that they can always up my dose to see what happens, rather than having to cancel because I am too high.

I haven't spoken to my brother but I have forgiven him for his stupid comments. He didn't get anyone pregnant, I think he just forgets sometimes that I'm not one of his army mates who can talk crap to, I'm his sister and this is the one area you don't mess around about with me. Phew.

Would appreciate everyone's prayers and thoughts for tomorrow, I couldn't bear to have another cancelled cycle, I don't know if I would have the courage to go through this again.

Day 7 - Confused & teary

My estrogen has dropped from 1400 yesterday to 1300 today. Not the most promising of starts. I don't want to have to cancel but this cycle certainly isn't textbook. At least when I hyperstimulate I know what is going on with my body and why - this I just don't understand.

Have to have another blood test tomorrow, which means I will be late for an important work meeting. Not much I can do about it, but just another interruption to my life.

Am a little upset at my younger brother at the moment. He is 20 and in the army, so he doesn't understand the desire to have kids, but he has always been really sensitive and good about it. I was doing the sisterly thing and giving him the 'don't do drugs, don't get into trouble speech' - it's a bit of a running joke between us, and he knows that I am playing around because we do it every conversation. This time though he said that he had gotten a girl pregnant. I told him haha very funny, stop playing around, and he went very quiet and said that he wasn't kidding, and that he had gotten someone pregnant, but then he "handled it and got rid of it". I was in shock and hung up the phone, absolutely flabbergasted. He tried to call me back straightaway, and eventually sent me a message saying "It was just a joke". I sent him one back saying "Very funny telling your sister who can't have kids that", and haven't heard from him since. I know he probably thought he was hilarious, and I hate being so uptight, but I couldn't help it. My throat closed, my shoulders tightened and I just wanted to disappear. Even retelling this story hurts me thinking about it. Trying to just let it go.

Day 6

I have decided my ovaries have a sense of humour. How else can I explain that in addition to my usual smattering of 5mm folicles over both of my ovaries, I also have a ginormous 14mm lone follicle? So frustrated by that damn follicle, I swear my body is having a great joke at my expense. I spoke to the nurses coordinator and let her know that I would not want to cancel the cycle. She seemed suprised that I thought it would be cancelled, but this is similar to what happened in my very first cycle, where I injected for a couple of weeks and only ended up with the one big follicle growing (I was on 75iu/112.5iu and this cycle I am on 112.5iu).

So I have started my orgalutran injections today, much earlier than I normally would, but can't risk ovulating earlier. Thank goodness the government have subsidised the injections since last month, otherwise this could be a very expensive caper - they were previously $90 a shot!

So off for another blood test tomorrow morning...

Day 5

No news at the moment, just injecting (112.5iu) and I have a blood test and scan tomorrow morning at the clinic. Am meant to be at work but running late so no time for chit chat. Hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully a bigger update tomorrow xx

Cycle 41, Day 1, ART Cycle #12

And we are at this same, scary place again. Ready to embark on treatment, nervous about what lies ahead. There are feelings of anticipation, of hope of what 'might' be. But a lot of apprehension as well. What will be, will be.

Today is the 1534th day since we started our journey to conceive. That many days spent almost lusting over something that you don't have control of has not been good to me. It has changed me. For those that have read for a while, you know about my depression, anxiety attacks, and rollercoaster of emotions that we have gone through. But I have changed on a deeper level than that, and I'm not sure I will ever be the same again. I have a deeper appreciation for other peoples feelings and suffering. I am much more aware of saying the right thing, and more importantly, not saying the wrong or insensitive thing. It's about not taking the easy road, bringing up tough subjects, but also being a good friend. I hope I am being a good friend.

Another change I have experienced is about how I judge other people. Everyone likes to claim that they don't judge people, or that phrase 'no judgement'. But all of us judge, it's what we do with our judgements that shows who we really are. If somebody asks me what they think, I will be diplomatic, but as long as I think the person can handle the truth (it isn't going to harm or cruelly hurt them), then I will be honest and give me opinion. I have strong values and beliefs, especially around my faith in God. There are certain things that are non-negotiables to me, most importantly the sanctity of marriage. I am happy for people to disagree with my views, and am more than happy to have the debate, or leave it happily alone. But it means that when my friends are doing something which I believe is immoral, I need to make a decision about whether I will enable that behaviour, say something, or break the friendship. In this case my friend approached me and we discussed it and I think we have both moved on from it better for the conversation. In the past I would have been too scared or too over-the-top, or too-something. Now I can just take it for what it is and deal with it for myself.

I need to be me. Rach had a great post recently about discovering herself, and I feel like that is slowly happening to me. Not in a flash of lightening, but slowly, gradually over the last few years, it feels like everything has happened for a reason. All the pain that we have dealt with has happened for a greater purpose - to help me understand who I am, and to build my relationship with Murray. I am starting to get my head around it.

Preparing

I have started taking my Provera tablets to bring on my period to start our next round of IVF. Unfortunately we had a bit of a setback financially today - Murray's car broke down. It looks like the transmission will need to be replaced which is a $2-3000 job. SO we have decided to cancel our Hong Kong holiday. We wont get much money back in cancellation fees, but we simply can not afford any money for hotels orspending money while also paying for the car to be fixed. If I'm honest with myself, I know we can't really afford IVF at the moment either. I'm just more willing to make hard sacrifices for our chance to have a child.

I am feeling really positive about the upcoming cycle - I believe that donor sperm could do the trick for us, and we will finally have our child. I have booked in to have acupuncture done this Thursday which I am looking forward to. I need to put everything into this, heart, mind, body and soul.

Advocating for fertility support

I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want to do with my life in a career sense, and also in terms of what legacy I want to leave behind. IVF and fertility treatment has become such a big part of my life and it is something which I have learnt a lot about over the last four years. I want to harness that information and energy and develop even further in this field. I'm not a scientist or a doctor or a psychologist, but one of the biggest things I feel is missing in this area is timely, accurate and insightful information for people going through this process, both at the beginning and throughout diagnosis, treatment and outcomes. I think I can provide that, especially if I specifically look at the local situation in Australia, rather than a worldwide approach.

I've written notes over the last couple of years on what I would want to cover and have chapter outline written, but before I progress to far with my idea, I needed to sit down and decide how I want to approach this. I needed to make a decision as to whether i pursue this purely for altruistic purposes - as an advocate for fertility patients, offering my future services, products and effort for free in whatever spare time I have. Alternatively I could develop this as a business model that could potentially lead to a career for me as a professional advocate for fertility rights, working with major fertility related organisations, lobbying the government, applying for funding and grants, facilitating forums and conferences and creating resources that will help everyone but also provide a source of income for myself. The first option appeals to me and there is a lot less commitment involved, but the second option could potentially fulfill me more - allowing me to put my 100% into something I am passionate about. So I think this is where I am going to head. I am approaching this not just as a labour of love and a way to give back to the fertility community (although it most certainly is that also), but as a potential career path in doing something that means a lot to me.

Anyway enough for now, my ideas are floating around and I am trying to nail them down and really develop what it is I want to do. I have been inspired by a fabulous friend who has her own business and gave me the push I needed to make me really evaluate what I want out of my life and career. Thanks Fee xxx

Aunty Bec

Don't think I mentioned earlier, I am an aunty again. Jackson Daniel v********** was born, 9 pounds 4 ounces last week. Found out through her sisters facebook page.

I lost my cool today with the Department of Child Protection. Since November I have been trying to get visitation rights for the children to have unsupervised visits with no response from the department. I submitted a formal complaint earlier in the year to the department and received an apology for my treatment and that by the end of July I would have been assessed and approved to have unsupervised visits with my nieces and nephew. Of course that never happened and I still haven't heard a thing from the department. So I started on the phone calls again with no response until I threw a tantrum today on someones voicemail, stating that I would elevate my complaint to the state ombudsman if I did not receive a response by the end of the day today. Well, what a surprise - I had a phone call within an hour booking in my assessment! So frustrated that I have had to push so hard for something which they should want to happen. I haven't seen the kids since Christmas time and I feel so out of the loop with their lives now. Hopefully once I am assessed I can spend some more time with them at our house and we can get back on track.

Cruising by

Nothing much happening in our neck of the woods. We are just waiting to start our next IVF cycle next month. Am on day 13 of my cycle at the moment so sometime in September or October it will happen. We don't really have the funds for it at the moment (haven't even arranged any accomodation for our Hong Kong trip yet!) but luckily our clinic allows payment plans. Hopefully Murray's tax return will be decent enough to cover some of the treatment and/or our hotel for our holiday.

My work is going really well at the moment. I recently applied for my bosses job as he is transitioning to retirement. I didn't think I had a shot at all as it is a level 6 managers role (I am a level 4 coordinator), but I thought it would be good for the interview experience. The regional manager called me in and said although I didn't get the position, they were really impressed with me and that I came very close to securing the position!! He has asked if I would be okay with him being my mentor and also offered to find me some acting managerial positions around the business for me to gain experience in, which is just incredible! I was also told that as we are having a huge restructure in the middle of next year, I should try and gain as much experience as possible between now and then as there may be a suitable management position for me then.

I am so excited by the prospects that are available for me. I love the job I am doing and am happy to stay at this level, but knowing that I have the opportunity to go even further gives me hope that I can still have a life and be successful without having a child in my life at this stage. However it does also leave me feeling a little unsettled about the level of responsibility I would have, and also the implications if I do have a child-whether my career would be limited by taking time out for a baby and being able to return on a part-time basis. But not to worry about that right now, I am just soaking it all in and taking it all as it comes.

And a picture to finish of the post - this is Charlie just before he got groomed on the weekend - my beautiful baby boy!

A tale of two sisters

I have no sisters but I do have two sisters-in-law.

My husbands sister is married and recently suffered a miscarriage. This isn't the first time it has happened. Back in 2005, she had been with her now-husband for only two months when they fell pregnant accidentally, only to lose the baby at 10 weeks. Now, five years later they are married and have just started trying for a baby (I think they had been delaying until we were pregnant but obviously that's not going to happen anytime soon), they manage to fall pregnant, and then found no heartbeat at the ultrasound. I feel awful for her, I really do. No matter how bittersweet it is when someone falls pregnant and you are still barren, I wish the best for them, and I don't want anyone to have to suffer through losing a baby, or have issues with falling pregnant. I pray that they are able to fall pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy soon.

My brothers partner is also my 'sister-in-law'. She is due to have her fifth child any day now. They have decided to name the little boy 'Jackson Daniel', which has the unfortunate 'coincidence' of also being close in name to their favourite alcoholic beverage - Jack Daniels. I will have a new nephew but am unlikely to receive any sort of notification when he is born from her or the family. I wont get it from my brother as he is in jail (long story which I can't divulge here). This child will be born into a broken family, and will likely be taken off my 'sister' once he is weaned, unless by some miracle they deem her fit to parent him.

God, if you are listening which I believe you are, please show me the wisdom in your ways, because I am mere mortal and simply can not comprehend any of this.

Back and blogging

Sorry for the extended absence, I have needed some time to get my head screwed on straight. I mentioned several posts ago that my depression had come back. Well I am slowly headed out of the dark and getting myself back together, but my entire personality changed for about a month after I reduced my antidepressant dose. I have now gone back to my original dose with the blessing of my GP and things are definitely improving, and fingers crossed there will be a time in the near future where I wont even notice these feelings anymore. But enough of that, I just wanted to give you all an update to let you know I am doing fine.

We met with our fertility specialist this afternoon. Going into the meeting I was a tad apprehensive, after all this is the guy I said I didn't trust and didn't want to be my specialist. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and start from scratch. The meeting went okay, although the first words out of his mouth was "well, that was a self-fulfilling prophecy" about me ending up close to hyperstimulating and having to cancel my cycle. That got me offside from the beginning. I told him that our donor is only IVF quality and not suitable for IUI which limited our options (which I am happy about, the more I thought about it, I dont think Clomid IUI would work for us). So he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to give IVF another try and lets put some measures in place to avoid OHSS. I presented a list of things that I had researched as possible options to help avoid OHSS (Using Methylprednisolone, Using an agonist to trigger ovulation no HCG, low dose aspirin and Cabergoline). Of all of those, he only believes in using Cabergoline (he doesn't usually use it but is happy for me to use it from my trigger injection). I don't know exactly how it works but a couple of studies have shown a link between its use and a reduction in OHSS so I am happy to give it a go.

I am on day two today, after a 68 day cycle (so much fun), so he has asked me to wait 28 days, do a blood test just in case (yeah right!) and then take Provera to induce a bleed to start IVF. So I thought , ok this has been a productive meeting, he is a bit gruff but maybe he was just having a bad day when I first saw him, maybe I had misjudged him. Not once did he push for Ovarian Drilling or any other procedures. We got up to leave and he walked us to the door. As he opened the door he asked me if I had reconsidered Ovarian Drilling (wouldn't he have asked me earlier if he thought it was a serious consideration). When I said that I still wasn't keen on it, he said (and I quote) "You can lead the horse to water..." and stomped off back into his room! So I have decided he is a rude little man. Admittedly all will be forgiven if he gets me pregnant but he certainly wont be getting any referrals from me!

Onwards and upwards as they say. So we are cycling again in September. It seems such a long time ago that this journey started - over four years ago that we began trying to conceive our baby. And a whole year has passed since we lost Vanilla, our precious little girl. At that point I thought I couldn't go on living - yet I am still here. That must count for something.

Holiday Update

We had an amazing time on holiday, still trying to get back on track with everything so no huge update. All I can say is that Langkawi is a beautiful island and everyone should visit! Unfortunately our camera broke down half way through the trip so many pics are blurry or unusable. Have included a couple of photos below from the holiday. Will do a proper catch up soon - promise!

Sailing the Andaman Sea

Kayaking through the mangroves

The beach at the resort

More beach - slightly overcast day but perfect conditions

Monkeys everywhere - these ones at a park...

... and these ones next to our room!

Shopping in KL - the Paul Frank store!!!

And yummy free afternoon tea at our KL hotel

Cocktails before the Usher concert!

Time to party!

The Petronas towers up close

Happy birthday to me!

Am in full-blown birthday mode - 24 today! I feel so old :-)

A sneak peek from our holiday

Still on holiday - it's our last day in Langkawi today, we fly to Singapore tomorrow morning for a couple more days of retail therapy before we get home on Friday night. We have had a great time but I am looking forward to being back in my own bed and cuddling my Charlie Hustle - have missed him so much!

Murrays birthday was yesterday and we went out for lunch at the Sheraton Langkawi, and I also sent Murray off in the morning to the day spa to have a body scrub, wrap and massage which he loved. Lucky boy - he got a car GPS and new kicks before we went on holiday as well! My birthday is coming up on the 21st so I hope he is taking notes!!!

Unfortunately my depression has reared its head while I've been away - thinking it is time that I really get sorted out. I don't want to wreck any chances of getting approved to adopt but I do think I should go and see a psych to get my medication worked out and get a proper plan to help me out.

Anyone enough of that for now - will see you all when I get back :-)

Depression and illness

It's been a rough couple of days. I have been very excited about our trip away but the black dog has reared its head, making the last few days quite unbearable. For the last two weeks I have had a range of illnesses, from the flu, to gastro, to a cold. I woke up at 4am Saturday morning vomiting which wasn't pretty. I don't know where all the illness has come from, but I know that it has a terrible affect on my mental state.

Whenever I get ill, I get depressed. I recognise that it is depression and that it is linked to feeling sick and that I will get over it soon but when you are in that moment, it is so hard to get yourself through. Yesterday I was getting really agitated and depressed, I basically slept on the couch from 3pm until midnight because sleeping is the one relief that I get from the constant anxious and agitated feelings.

I do feel a lot better today, still a little anxious, but on the whole so much better than I was yesterday. It's amazing how much of a link there is between my physical and mental condition.

When I get back from my holiday, it is time for me to get back into shape - start eating healthily and heading back to the gym. I have a fair idea that part of my illness at least has been caused by not looking after myself and bingeing on whatever food I want to eat. I am also considering going back up 20mg on my anti-depressants, just to get myself through this winter patch.

Anyway, I am starting to pack for my holiday, the fogginess in my head is clearing so I am going to enjoy my husband and puppy, watch some footy on tv and look forward to my holiday away.

Getting ready

We are slowly getting ready for our marvellous holiday! We leave Tuesday morning for Kuala Lumpur, staying for three nights of shopping and sightseeing before flying to Langkawi for five nights of pure luxury and relaxation. Then through Singapore for 'the great Singapore sale' for two nights of retail therapy and yummy food before getting home on the 16th. We are really looking forward to some time away from work and 'normal' life - this will be really good for us.

Langkawi accomodation

Langkawi Pool bar

Langkawi Resort

Only six more sleeps!!!

Day 21

So maybe it's not my period... it seems to have gone back to just spotting. Bleh.
My last post I said I don't trust my doctor, but the truth is I have only met him the once, and everything I feel is based on that one meeting and obviously this cycle being a bust. So I am trying to change my way of thinking, and I guess my August appointment with him is me giving him another shot. If he can make me feel more confident that he can do this, then I will proceed and do something in between now and November. But if I come out of my appointment feeling the way I do now, then we will be on an extended break until November, and probably January before we begin treatment again. *sigh*

And just like that...

The dream is gone. That spotting I thought was my miracle implantation? Was my period instead. On Day 20. Oh so much fun.

Besides the logistics of how I am getting my period only nine days after I stopped injecting (biggest follicle was only 14mm last Wednesday), I am exhausted. This non-cycle really took it out of me. Not so much emotionally, although there was certainly a fair share of that. But physically, getting to the appointments before work, and then getting to work late and feeling guilty. Doing injections every day, leaving me black and blue and very sore all over my stomach. Putting on about three kilos, partly from hormones, partly from rabid hunger that seems to come over me whenever I take these drugs. Being tired - all of the time. The feeling of 'being a number' at the new clinic.

Yesterday I booked an appointment with Dr Linda Wong, another FS based at the new clinic. The first available appointment is in November, the day after we get back from Hong Kong. We go on holiday in two weeks, and I have an appointment with my current doctor on August 5. My doctor has until November to get me pregnant or I move to the new doctor, the one who I wanted to treat me way back at the beginning of everything in 2007.

I know what my doctor is going to say. He will want me to do the Ovarian Drilling, to lose weight and then try iui. But I just do not have any faith that it will do anything. I am concerned that ovarian drilling is an outdated technique (both of my old FS agreed), that it may not work (it doesn’t work in many cases), and may leave me with scar tissue on my ovaries. And then he wants me to lose weight. Well hang on, I did that already and it didn't make one iota of difference to my cycle. If anything, my cycle was worse when I was at my lowest weight. And I certainly wasn't at my lowest weight when I fell pregnant with V. Then he wants me to do donor iui. Well I have PCOS, I either don't ovulate on my own (or have 80 day cycles), or I hyperstimulate with drugs - there really isnt an in between (I haven't tried clomid which might work - I don’t know). But look at the success rates with iui. At my clinic they are less than 10%. I'm sorry but I am not going to go through all of that for 10% It's just not going to happen. So all this does, even if I do everything my doctor asks, is leave me another 6-12 months down the track with no baby. Maybe that is what he wants. After all, one of his first comments to me was about how young I was and I didn't have anything to be worried about. I turn 24 next month. I know I am young. But if I am old enough to be married, vote, own a house and work fulltime, then I think I am well and truly old enough to make my own decision about having children.

That turned into a bit of a vent. I just don't trust my doctor, it's as simple as that. Unfortunately until November, I have no other choice except to do what he says or write off the next six months.

Trying not to hope

I know I am not pregnant. I know the chance of us conceiving naturally is next to nothing. But for the first time in a very long time, I am hoping for a miracle. I don't expect it, but I have to be honest and say there is a tiny tiny piece of me that is hoping we are pregnant this cycle. I am guessing that I am about 5dpo and I had the tiniest of tiniest bit of spotting this afternoon. It could be anything, absolutely anything and totally not related. But it doesn't stop me from hoping that this is our miracle. Logically my brain says not to allow myself to think this way. But the heart doesn't work like that, I can't get it to stop.

Nothing new

Sorry for the lack of blogging, I am just feeling a bit over everything at the moment. I'm trying to get myself together as I have my uni exams this Thursday and next Monday and haven't studied anywhere near as much as I should have. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, even going to work is a struggle. I don't feel overly depressed, its just a general crappy feeling, so I'm not too concerned. Will keep an eye on things to make sure my moods pick up over the next week.

Blah

It's really hard feeling my ovaries full of follicles and knowing that nothing is going to happen with them. So frustrated right now, and annoyed over the whole thing.

Day 10 - Cancelled

My estrogen level has doubled to 10,500 so my doctor has cancelled my cycle. My lead follicles were around 13/14mm so nowhere near egg collection yet and it was just too dangerous to proceed.

Am so exhausted by the whole thing, I just want to get pregnant - surely the exhausting part is meant to be once you have had the baby!

Now we have to do this all over again… I don't know if I even want to put myself through it. The stress, the impact on my body, the money, the rescheduling my life, running late to work because my clinic is 40 minutes in the wrong direction. But of course I will because I want a child. I don't want another break. I want my hormone levels to be normal and to be doing my egg collection in a couple of days.

Am going to have some serious s-e-x over the next week, in the miniscule hope that the FSH might boost our chances naturally. I know that our odds are next to nothing, but I have nothing else I can do.

I'm not a mess. I'm not broken. I haven't even cried. I don't feel like I am in the slump that I usually am when this stuff happens to me. This time I'm fed up. I feel let down. I'm angry.

Day 9 - Getting nervous

Had my blood test and ultrasound this morning, which showed my lead follicles at 12mm, with over 20 follicles on each ovary - ouch! The new clinic don't measure each follicle so I don't know any more than that unfortunately. What I am most worried about though is my estrogen level - currently at 5000 on day 9! I went back through my old IVF records and the cycle where I had severe OHSS and ended up in hospital, my E2 levels were 5470 on day 14...

A comparison of the two cycles

May 08 - 
CD 6 -210, CD 9 - 530, CD 12 - 1800, CD 14 - 3000, CD 16 - 5470, CD 18 - Trigger, CD 20 - EPU
Ended up in hospital for three nights with OHSS, vomiting, severe pain etc and of 20 eggs retrieved, froze all four blastocyst embryos.

June 10 -
CD 6 - 900, CD 7 - 1600, CD 9 - 5000.

I'm really starting to get nervous about the whole thing. I am informed, I know that I run the risk of hyperstimulation each cycle, especially as I have had it in the past. But I so badly don't want to get it. I get incredibly depressed when I get sick and it messes me up in my head. I don't want to be dealing with that right now.

I rang back the clinic to say that I wanted a note made on my file that I was concerned about OHSS, that I didn't want to cancel this cycle and be over-cautious but that I wanted to do whatever I could to avoid it. I know some people do protein-rich diets which can help, and maybe it might be worth me coasting a bit to see if my levels will drop back. I don't even know if that is possible, all though Dr Google seems to think it can happen.. All I remember about my last OHSS stint was that I was in agony and I don't want to do that again.

Does anyone know what their estrogen levels were like before their egg collection? And if you had a high number, did you end up hyperstimulating? How did you manage it? I need reassurance that I can still go ahead without ended up a complete ohss mess.

Day 8 & SYG

So I had my blood test done in the morning at SJOG Murdoch and then we drove down to Bunbury to participate in the Church of Christ State Youth Games (SYG) and it was great fun! We missed the first session where I was meant to play basketball, but the second session was XerDance which is like this...



...except that instead of two people doing it in a nice spacious area, there were two groups of 16 people doing it in a tiny squash court - crazy stuff! Somehow I made it through to the semis, and then into the grand final and came fifth over all which I was pretty impressed with! And I kept my heart rate monitor on over the THREE HOURS that we were dancing (admittedly with 10 minute breaks every now and then), and I burnt off 2000 calories. I am not exaggerating! So for all those people looking for the latest weight loss craze, I think we found it.

Today I was in the fishing competition which was my first time ever fishing. I managed to catch six fish, but unfortunately they were all toadfish or blowies which aren't counted. In previous years they did count and I would have won as I managed to hook a 300gm rare type of blowie - a North West Blowfish which as the name would suggest, shouldn't be anywhere near Bunbury which is in the south west of Australia! Just goes to show how our planet is warming but I digress...

Then Murray and I were on the Handball team. Now I have never watched, nor played Handball before, but let me say - it is a workout - and loads of fun! We played a round robin competition and finished bottom of the ladder with no wins (that's consistency for you!), but I scored a goal and made some awesome saves in my turn as goalkeeper.

We just got back home an hour ago and I have had a nice hot shower to hopefully help my muscles out, I have a feeling that I wont be able to walk tomorrow! I already can't wait to do it all again next year!

On the IVF front, my estrogen level was at 1600 yesterday morning, after being at 900 the day before, which I'm a little worried about. From memory 3000-4000 is the cut off for OHSS, and my follicles are still very small which makes me think that my levels could get quite high. I am going into Concept tomorrow morning for more bloods and an ultrasound so hopefully my little follies are growing well.

Day 6 update

Nothing too exciting - estrogen is at 900, endo lining at 11mm and they want me to go and have another blood test tomorrow which I wasn't expecting. I guess they are trying to be careful to avoid OHSS, which I would love to not have to deal with again. But unfortunately that means delaying my little trip down south by a night. Updates as they come...

day 6

First bloods and scan are done with. Will call the clinic in the afternoon for results but at this stage I have five follicles at 8mm and heaps smaller than that (they don't count or measure small ones apparently). So I won't start orgalutran just yet I think - probably keep going with the puregon and go back for another scan next week.

My energy levels are non-existent at the moment but am going down south for the weekend for our church's youth games so will be doing a lot of sport and exercise -i imagine that will boost me up a bit. That, or I will sleep through it all!

Day 4 - Injecting

I feel so peaceful and positive right now. Even though there are so many things going on with work, family, uni and IVF, when I would normally feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I just feel so... at peace. I really believe this could work and I haven't felt this positive in such a long time.

I am on day four at the moment and am on 200iu of Puregon. I am hoping that this will be enough to get a decent response at egg pick up. The new clinic I am at doesn't do day 2 bloods or scans which was a little nerve wracking for me, but it's their protocol so I am going with the flow. I go into the clinic again on Friday morning for bloods and scan so we will get an idea then of what is going on.

I had a lovely email from a reader (Hi Aimee!) who has given me great confidence in my clinic through her experience there.. I am really trying to get into this notion that happiness is something that I can choose to have (sometimes at least - not while in the depths of depression of course!), and so I am choosing to be positive about the clinic. After all without the clinic we would not have a donor and have this opportunity that has been presented to us. So thanks Aimee :-)

I was about to say that I was off to bed but it is only 7.30pm! So maybe I might snuggle with Charlie and Murray and do some reading for a while. Hope everyone is doing well.

Ready to go

CD 1 is here and I am ready to go. Actually I am a tad tipsy at a barbecue right now but am very excited that we are starting this. I  feel really positive that this could be the start of something great. A wonderful girl at my church today told me that she is pregnant (she is actually past 30 weeks already!) and I was just so happy for her. She is from Zimbabwe and her husband is an Australian guy who met her through mission work through my church. One of my closest friends M is pregnant and I barely felt a hint of jealousy. My church and work and friendships are filled with pregnancies, and for the first time I feel like I can breathe. I hope this peace is here to stay and that it is a sign of good things to come.

How much to share?

Melissa recently wrote a post on the stuff we write on our blogs, and more importantly, what we leave out.
I am a sharer in real life and have always wanted to put my 'real' self into my blog. I have never hidden my identity (without handing out my address and credit card details on a silver platter!), and am very honest about my feelings and stuff that I have been through.

Part of that is because I want other people to learn about infertility and the real impact it has on people. It's not something that should be hidden away. There should be far more education around, and even more than that, it should be something that people are compassionate about.

But the other reason why I am so open is that I am different. I have always felt out of place in the world. I've never been the popular girl, the one with all the friends. I like to read books, talk about politics, ponder on the worlds mysteries and dream of anything and everything. I have been through depression and anxiety, come out the other end and then gone back into it. I have family issues like you wouldn't believe. I'm infertile. I've lost babies. I want to share because I want someone to care. I want people to understand how I feel and really 'get' who I am. And I want other people to share as much as I do.

While I share a lot of me, recently I have had to make a decision not to share certain things. This is incredibly difficult for me. I treat my blog like my journal a lot of the time - an outlet for me to talk (type) things over and release the emotion associated with it. Blogging the details of my Dads trial, or my brothers issues affects more than just me which means more self-editing on my part. I hope you understand.

Not Guilty

The trial is over. My Dad was found not guilty of the offence he was charged with. He no longer has accusations or a potential jail term hanging over his head. I am glad that it is over and he can move on with his life.

I don't think he committed the crime that he was accused of. However he was capable of the crime, and it didn't shock me that he was accused of it which is awful. He doesn't hold the same morals that I do, and I have very little respect for him or the life choices he has made.

I just don't know if I can have a relationship with him anymore.  I want a relationship with my father. But the truth is that I don't want a relationship with him. I want one with him being a real father. And that's never going to happen. He isn't going to change who he is. I'm not going to change who I am. I either choose to accept who he is and try to have a relationship on his terms, guarding myself from every misstep and disappointment, or I choose to walk away.

I don't know if I can do either.

*edited - this post was three times as long but it was too much for me to bear, please excuse my self-editing*

court

Oh how I hate all of this. Am at court in the lunchbreak in my mobile so this will be short. Is all very traumatic . I want to hear everything so I can make up my on mind but I just feel sad and yuck. Listened to alicias evidence against dad this morning and it was awful. Sad, graphic and plain awful. I know that parts of what she said weren't truthful but it is still awful. God knows I hate my family sometimes . Not sure if I will come back to court tomorrow .

Starting the process

I finally picked up my Provera tablets from my FS today, so will fill the script and start taking them tomorrow. I am currently on day 20, which I know is early to start taking them, but we are going on holiday in early July, and I cant risk transfer/results being around those dates, so better to cut short this cycle and get going with it all.

Am starting to get a tad nervous about it all. I am excited that we are doing IVF and that we have a donor, but scared about the implication if it fails. After all, this IS the back up plan. What happens if this doesnt work as well?


On the adoption front, we have had some correspondence from DCP (the department handling adoptions) and apparently Murray's doctor wouldn't provide him a recommendation that he is 'fit to be a parent', suggesting that he needs a psychiatric review. We feel that he is being vindictive after the billing fiasco that occurred (after charging Murray more than double what I was charged for our medicals, and complaining about it). So we will be complaining to the medical board about that. But unfortunately it places us in a very difficult position with the adoption committee as they have already seen this report and are concerned and confused. If Murray really needed a psychiatric review for his depression, then A) I would as well as I have had it a lot longer and more severe than Murray has, and B) surely the doctor would have referred him for one sometime in the 6 months he has presented with depression and been treated for it by the same doctor. Why now all of a sudden he needs it. Plus C) there was absolutely no mention of this at the doctors appointment when the medical was done - we believe the medical report was possibly altered after our complaint. Or at least left blank and filled in afterwards. So very upset at the situation, but trying to now think of the best way to move forward. We don't want to dignify the report by having to get him to see a psych, but it may be our only option in the eyes of the adoption board.

My Dads trial starts next week which is very scary. I haven't talked about it much on here as it is a lot to take in, and for all his faults, he is still my Dad. I learnt a long time ago that you cant change people, you need to either take them for who they are or cut them off. The evidence presented at this trial and the outcome will have a big part in my decision making as to which side I fall on. If I believe at the end of the trial that he is guilty of the charges, then I will need to make some hard decisions about my future relationship with my father. Anyway, high stress times ahead over the next month, but I am feeling good, not depressed which is positive, and I am just going to take each day as it comes.

More ignorance

Continuing the theme of people who don't get infertility, I received an email from a distant cousin who I virtually never see and doesn't really know me. 

COUSIN 12 May at 08:23
hey sweetie :)
are you still doing IVF ?

No idea how she knows but its no secret I guess..

Rebecca D 12 May at 11:42
Hi amy. yep starting ivf again next month - will see how it goes. how are you?

Short, sweet, to the point, and then moving onto a different subject

COUSIN 12 May at 14:35
you should watch 'the secret' so AMAZING!!! and mind blowing and awesome :D
wow!!! :D
im good!
i hope it all goes well for you :) xoxo

Great, unsolicited advice, thanks for that

COUSIN 13 May at 19:42
raw vegans are extremely fertile and fall preg easily, it sounds extreme and it takes time to learn to do properly but this lifestyle has a ton of benefits, there are places in Perth where you can learn. anyways just an idea :) my goal is 100% raw organic vegan :) if someone had of told me 3 years ago that id be vegan one day i would have been like NO way in hell lol
but its actually not as hard as it might seem and the food tastes incredible! :) in fact even my mum LOVES my raw vegan creations lol
anywayz i hope you have an awesome week and good luck with whatever you choose to do, :) xo
dont hate me for sending this lol im just trying 2 help coz i know IVF is super expensive :(

No *shock horror*, IVF is expensive? You are kidding me! And there are never any infertile vegans? I beg to differ.

COUSIN 13 May at 19:49
benefits for me include : super energy! never get headaches EVER, beautiful skin, feel super strong and fit, never get sick etc (hard to believe i know, but true)
my friend Sue was overweight and she lost 30kg in 3 months by going raw vegan and she used to be a hardcore meat eater :D plus she has the most amazing energy !
lol sorry haha i just feel like i have to share and help everyone coz THIS CAN SERIOUSLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!
:)

OK now you are bothering me. I haven't responded to your emails, which is generally a sign to STOP EMAILING ME!

Rant over.

Response to last comment

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "If I see one more facebook status"

These women didn't write this to spite you. Your misfortune is terrible, but I think being angry or upset about what others write is quite selfish. Can you honestly say if you eventually did have a baby that you wouldn't write stuff that may offend people who cannot have a children? You wouldn't write about your pregnancy on your facebook? Or your child? A lot of people have lost their mothers, imagine how they feel on mothers day? I really hope you do eventually get your bub and things work out, but I think that this kind of negativity probably doesn't help when it comes your mental health and trying to get pregnant.

I wanted to respond to the comment made on my last post, and hopefully it gives some sort of insight to those who haven't gone through infertility, how I feel about people with children.

I don't begrudge other mothers their children. Yes some days it hurts more than others, and there are so many crackwhores out there who shouldn't be having kids. But for the general population, I really am not angry or upset about other people having children - they are entitled to have families and I am happy they have been blessed. But it always hurts, no matter how close the person is, no matter how much they struggled to conceive also, no matter what the situation - it is human nature for us to put ourselves and our emotions first. And the overriding emotion with these things is "It's not me and I wish it was".

And absolutely I plan on blogging my pregnancy when it happens, and I will post on facebook. Everybody should celebrate having children, having a family. No doubt I will post belly pics and debate pram and cot choices. However my particular annoyance was that instead of celebrating the uniqueness of motherhood and holding that baby in your arms; instead of talking about the day ahead and the special moments with your children, Mothers Day was reduced to a few trite lines, that made it seem that only a mother with live children could love a child that much, and at least in my mind at that point in time, only that mothers love made that baby possible. Because I didn't love my baby enough for it to live or something to that effect.

And one last thing, just because it absolutely grates on my nerves when people tell me this. Unless you can scientifically prove that 'negativity' reduces my chances of falling pregnant, then please don't proffer advice on that front. I think that's almost worse than telling me to relax.

If I see one more facebook status...

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. When you were born, I saw your face and knew I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew I would die for you. To this day I will. Mother's Day is approaching. Repost this if you have children you love more than life - multiple facebook updates for Mothers Day

Am trying so hard not lose my cool. I know these women mean well, and are proud of their mummy status. But my God it hurts sooo much. Rub it into my face why don't you. Yes you are a Mum. I am not. You have a beautiful baby or childy, who in your own words, you would 'die for'. Instead, my baby just died. Inside of me. No amount of anything could change that outcome. So while you have a wonderful day with your children, and think changing your facebook status to some cookie-cutter template makes it that much more special, I will sit at home trying to convince myself that the world will keep spinning.

Mothers Day IS a special day. But please, for goodness sakes, don't use such a clichéd, cut-and-paste bunch of words from someone else's status. Be original, acknowledge your love for your kids and then go and be with them. Hug them tight and close. Because you have something so amazing and special and you should never let go.

Friends

Have managed to get through another toothless day. Woke up in a depressed funk, but thanks to two beautiful friends, have managed to get through the day well and am in a much better space. Thanks R & M :-)

Need to get my butt into gear and get to work on a uni assignment that is due next week. I would get an extension for it except 1) the tutor changes this week to a new person and 2) it's group work so I can't let the group down. Bugger! So just need to get into the right frame of mind and start typing!

Teeth are out

Wisdom teeth are no longer, however in their place are big gaping holes that hurt - a lot! For all those people who said this wouldn't hurt - you lied! I was given Tramadol to take when I first left hospital but after consultation, am not going to take it anymore. Just on Panadol as anything stronger tends to make me feel ill.

Am on sick leave from work until next Monday, but have checked in on my emails and made a few phone calls to ease my mind, and now off back to bed.

Am so glad that I didn't try to push ahead with doing IVF as well as my wisdom teeth this cycle, as there is no way I would have been able to cope. I guess God works in mysterious ways huh. Am looking forward to healing, and then starting over next cycle.

Wisdom teeth today

Am off to get my wisdom teeth removed - am scared out of my mind but am putting it into God's hands. Please pray for me that all goes well!