Back and blogging

Sorry for the extended absence, I have needed some time to get my head screwed on straight. I mentioned several posts ago that my depression had come back. Well I am slowly headed out of the dark and getting myself back together, but my entire personality changed for about a month after I reduced my antidepressant dose. I have now gone back to my original dose with the blessing of my GP and things are definitely improving, and fingers crossed there will be a time in the near future where I wont even notice these feelings anymore. But enough of that, I just wanted to give you all an update to let you know I am doing fine.

We met with our fertility specialist this afternoon. Going into the meeting I was a tad apprehensive, after all this is the guy I said I didn't trust and didn't want to be my specialist. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and start from scratch. The meeting went okay, although the first words out of his mouth was "well, that was a self-fulfilling prophecy" about me ending up close to hyperstimulating and having to cancel my cycle. That got me offside from the beginning. I told him that our donor is only IVF quality and not suitable for IUI which limited our options (which I am happy about, the more I thought about it, I dont think Clomid IUI would work for us). So he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to give IVF another try and lets put some measures in place to avoid OHSS. I presented a list of things that I had researched as possible options to help avoid OHSS (Using Methylprednisolone, Using an agonist to trigger ovulation no HCG, low dose aspirin and Cabergoline). Of all of those, he only believes in using Cabergoline (he doesn't usually use it but is happy for me to use it from my trigger injection). I don't know exactly how it works but a couple of studies have shown a link between its use and a reduction in OHSS so I am happy to give it a go.

I am on day two today, after a 68 day cycle (so much fun), so he has asked me to wait 28 days, do a blood test just in case (yeah right!) and then take Provera to induce a bleed to start IVF. So I thought , ok this has been a productive meeting, he is a bit gruff but maybe he was just having a bad day when I first saw him, maybe I had misjudged him. Not once did he push for Ovarian Drilling or any other procedures. We got up to leave and he walked us to the door. As he opened the door he asked me if I had reconsidered Ovarian Drilling (wouldn't he have asked me earlier if he thought it was a serious consideration). When I said that I still wasn't keen on it, he said (and I quote) "You can lead the horse to water..." and stomped off back into his room! So I have decided he is a rude little man. Admittedly all will be forgiven if he gets me pregnant but he certainly wont be getting any referrals from me!

Onwards and upwards as they say. So we are cycling again in September. It seems such a long time ago that this journey started - over four years ago that we began trying to conceive our baby. And a whole year has passed since we lost Vanilla, our precious little girl. At that point I thought I couldn't go on living - yet I am still here. That must count for something.