And if it works...

I've been a little hesitant to write about this round of treatment. I'm nervous. Really nervous. Amazingly excited and hopeful but at the same time completely freaked out. I am back to feeling normal again, my depression is under control, my every waking thought isn't about how desperate I am to have a child. I am risking putting myself back in those dark places, but I guess that's the trade. I've always been happy to make the trade in the past, but with each failure it is harder and harder to convince yourself that it is worth it. We should be cycling in the next couple of weeks as long as my body cooperates. We are starting with the oldest embryos (from the early 00's) as they need to be used before the ten year restriction kicks in. It's a long shot, but it's the only shot we've got. And if it works...

It's been a while

So I've been an absent friend of late. The last couple of months were quite difficult but I am definitely on the other side of that now thank goodness. Easter is upon us, and it's been a great reminder to me to reflect and appreciate all the great things I have in my life.

We've been on a bit of a rollercoaster of late. We were offered some embryo's in South Africa by a lovely lady, but due to the restrictions over there on donor limits, we were unable to pursue that further. Then I received an email from another lady through this blog who offered to be my egg donor. What a generous offer! But that started getting me worked up about having to deal with fertilisation and what happens if something goes wrong. Plus all the counselling, waiting periods, and putting somebody else through the hell of IVF just for me. To be honest, that last bit affected me the most. I don't want to put anyone else out to help me, especially considering our rate of failure. It just wouldn't be worth it to me, because we know that it always ends in abject failure.

But we had a little miracle happen on Wednesday. Every second month I call our clinic to check on our progress in the waiting list for donor embryos. Each time we get the polite no, nobody has brought their forms back, or no embryos are currently available. I don't pin my hopes on these calls, but it's progress of a sort.

On Thursday I got the same response followed by a 'but'. That one word gave me hope. The clinic coordinator said that she has three single embryos (ie from three separate couples) that she keeps aside as a back up in case somebody else's embryos don't thaw out. They have been now offered to us to use one at a time! I don't know much about these embryos at the moment, we are being sent out profiles on them next week, but I do know that the age of the females at the time the eggs were retrieved were 31, 32 and 35.

We have to attend counselling again as this is different to previous treatment as I will not be genetically related (obviously) to our possible child. Counselling is booked in for next Thursday, and hopefully in a months time we can proceed with our embryo transfer! I can't believe it! I have been walking around with this dopey grin on my face for the last couple of days, just so excited that this has fallen into our lap.

I'm starting to come back to life.

Holiday Blues

So I haven't been around for a little while. Murray and I have been off to Indonesia to the island of Bali. I was very apprehensive about going. That's underselling it, I was dreading going away - I was in a really bad place and I couldn't think of anything more than just dragging myself out of bed, going to work, and then going straight back to bed afterwards. All I can say is that this break was exactly what I needed.

Not to say that I am cured, not by a long shot. I've realised I need to stop myself from ever getting to this point. I have an appointment on the 20th to see a psychologist through a mental health centre to help me with coping skills and set up a plan for future trigger events which will be really good for me.

Back to the holiday, Murray and I had a really great time together. Bali is very different to what I expected - 3rd world yet some pockets (tourist areas) are absolute luxury. Hard to reconcile the two extremes sometimes. We did lots of relaxing, drank fresh fruit juices by the pool, walked around for hours, had delicious food followed by decadent massages. And we just spent time together, which was the antidote I needed to my loneliness.

I haven't gone through my photos properly yet but here are a couple from our time away.

Bali Bombing Memorial in Kuta

Happy Hour

Tanah Lot

Monkies playing around at Uluwatu temple

Shopping - my favourite pasttime

Uluwatu

Hang by the pool, next to the ocean? Don't mind if I do!

Hopping Shoes!

Rice patties near Ubud

Keeping it together

The last week has been incredibly difficult, and I am glad to have Murray back home. He had an amazing time on his mission trip to Thailand, but I struggled really badly without him around.

My depression isn't under control. I am slowly working my way through with the help of friends, family and some community services that focus on depression. I need to find a good psychologist to help me learn to cope with pain in a more constructive way.

Today I was having a good day at work, yet all of a sudden it was like a switch has been hit and I became anxious, my brain started whirring with thoughts of self-doubt and I wanted to collapse and get out of there as fast as I could. I didn't, I just closed my eyes at my desk until the worst of it passed and then forced myself to keep going, but I hate that I feel like that all the time.

We are off on a trip to Bali, Indonesia on Friday night, which we have had booked for a year, but to be honest all I want to do is spend the week in bed. I'm hoping that once we are over there, I will be feeling okay and able to just relax and de-stress.

The Crazies

 I'm in a bit of a bad way at the moment. Work got stressful, Murray went away on his trip, the side fence blew over so I had to keep the dogs locked up inside, my sciatica played up, and now 4 migraines in 3 days. 'The Crazies' returned to haunt me. 

Am doing okay now, although the last couple of days have been really low. I am staying with my Mum until Murray gets back from his trip, so I don't have to be alone, and the dogs are able to roam around freely.

I haven't told Murray any of this. He can't do anything to fix me over the phone, and I don't want to upset him, especially when I know he is having such an amazing experience in Thailand. I'm not going to ruin that for him. So I continue to pretend that everything is okay and divert attention to what he is doing over there.

I hate suffering from depression. I hate the way I think, how susceptible to pain I am, how ugly my thoughts are. I am incredibly grateful for friends who have my back and can play the 'mean friend' telling me to get myself right and listen to me cry my eyes out, and having a Mum who will come over and sleep on my couch and then come back the next night to drive me to her house when I'm sobbing on the couch.

I'm not sure where to from here. But I'm hoping it's up. 

Alone

 Murray left yesterday for a two week mission trip to Thailand. While it is peaceful being at home by myself, it is also really tough. January was such a difficult month, between all the illness and injuries, and feeling so unstable mentally. I am definitely on the upside from that thank goodness, but it's going to take me awhile to adjust to being the only one around, excluding of course my doggies. 

I have been thinking a lot about how to get my life back in order, and after speaking to a therapist to help sort myself out, I have chosen to not do any units this semester at uni. It's been a big focus of mine, espescially as I get closer to finishing my degree, but with so much happening in my life right now, something had to give, and between work, health, family and uni, well uni fell to the bottom of the priority list. So besides church, I will have no after hours or weekend commitments. I'm not too concerned about falling behind- I've been doing a summer unit by correspondence which thank goodness is nearly done, so I won't fall behind anyhow. Let's just hope I am able to get back into study mode come July!

I got a phone call from my brother who is deployed in Afghanistan on Wednesday. It was really exciting to hear from him. According to my weather app, it is snowing where he is, and he mentioned that he has a cold as do half of the troops, but than that he is doing well. He got his first care package from us- my Mum and I bought him a kindle so he can read books whenever he wants. I've since sent two more with magazines, Austaliana merchandise, playing cards, and lollies! Hope it reminds him that we are all thinking of him.

Work is a little nuts at the moment due to some internal changes. Its really interesting work and I have a greater scope in my work which is awesome, but I am also working longer hours trying to get the workload under control. Career-wise it is a great opportunity so I am going to continue to work hard at it.

On the fertility front, I spoke to my clinic to see where we were on the donor embryo front. She said they have one embryo available, but it is from a 45 year olds eggs, which she said would be little point for us to try with, and we agree. The coordinator did say that there are a few people who have done all of the counseling etc but just haven't returned the final forms, but unfortunately sometimes those people at the end either don't want to pursue it or just forget about it. I'll continue to call back each month, Hoping someone has decided to donate their embryos. 

So that's me. So much, yet so little to say. 

Injury, illness, the depression paradigm

Well I lasted Monday to Thursday at work, by the time I woke up on Friday I was mentally and physically exhausted and just couldn't force myself to go to work. So for the last two days I have been lying on my couch, alternating between watching the huge amount of sport that is on (Australian Open, Big Bash League Cricket, Basketball etc), snoozing when I feel the need, and coughing my guts up. Delightful.

I'm not a good sick person. I don't cope. Luckily my depression has been kept at bay this week by having to focus on work during the day and then basically falling in a heap and going to sleep at night. I'm usually a very strong person, very independent who doesn't mind in the least when my husband goes out and does other things. This week though, it's really stressing me out. Murray had to go out to church on Tuesday and Wednesday for meetings, and I really struggled being at home without him. Then obviously I was at home yesterday by myself, last night he went out with his Dad, all day today he was out on a fundraiser for his mission trip and tonight he is at the cricket. By no means am I angry at him for doing these things- I love that he goes out to all of these things. Its just that I'm so fragile at the moment... I just really wish he was here with me. I feel more 'normal', more like myself when he is around. When I'm by myself, my head is all over the place.

Hopefully over the next week, my body will work through all of this crap and I will finally get through the fog. Gastro, sciatica, a cold. What more can be thrown at me!

The Daily Grind

 I'm back at work. My cold has gotten worse, my leg is slightly better. It's hard to concentrate on work but I'm slowly getting there. Hubby has just gotten home from a church meeting, and we are going to snuggle in and watch the latest Gossip Girl episode. 

Hope everyone else is doing well.

000 Emergency

 Last night was one for the books. I made my first 000 call. For myself. 

I went to bed around 10pm and woke at 1am with awful chest pain. My skin went all clammy and I became dizzy and nauseous. Luckily the ambulance arrived within five or so minutes and they looked after me really well. The pain was based in my sternum and they couldn't diagnose what caused it but my heart was fine thank goodness. My blood pressure was quite low but other than that, nothing wrong. After a while the pain starting easing off and although the ambulance officers suggested they  take me to the emergency department, I declined and Murray monitored me until the pain fully went away. I don't think I could handle two hospital visits in one week.

All in all, quite a scary experience but very lucky that it was nothing serious. The paramedic said it could be related to the drugs that I have been taking for the sciatica, or a muscle complaint, or something completely unrelated.

Otherwise, I did a lot better today. My mother-in-law came over in the morning to check in on me which was nice, then I had a long nap and spent the evening with a friend watching an old 90's movie. It was exactly what I needed to get some normality back into my life. Now I am just hoping and praying that each day continuously gets better, and my depression and and anxiety get under control. 

Oops, forgot to mention in the flurry of it all. I got my MRI results back which show disc protrusion at L4/L5 and more significant protrusion at L5/S1 so I am being referred to the hospitals Spine and Pain Management Unit. Hopefully they can help this not reoccur!

Enough drama for 2012 already, hopefully I have used my quota for the year.

Today

 This is really tough.

Depression sucks. 

Health update

I am doing much better today. My pain levels are under control with just neurogenic, so no more codeine or oxy thank goodness! I still have loss of feeling and pins and needles and very weak, but I can cope with all of that. My MRI was last night so I am off to the dr tomorrow to get them checked over to see what we can do to fix it and prevent it from happening again. I am also going to have Bowen therapy to or row to help manage the symptoms. 

I think the worst part of the weekend, obviously besides the pain, was the way my mental health suffered so much. It wasn't just the injury, it was the effect it had on not being at work, having to give up an amazing acting job opportunity, and not being able to hand in a uni assignment, all of which got me stressed out to the point of thinking bad thoughts and suffering anxiety attacks. In the end, Murray had to take two days off work to look after me and make sure I was okay. It's been really tough on both of us. I'm just glad that I am thinking clearly again and ready to star thinking about getting back to work and normal life. 

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes xxx

Progress

My sciatic pain has shifted a bit. It is still awful but now it alternates between being agony, and then periods of numbness with pins and needles, all the way down and including my feet. I am walking with a limp and have lost all strength in my left leg. The first time I got out of bed, I fell over because I wasn't expecting it! I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, at least the numbness has given me some relief from the 72 hours of agony.

I'm busy trying to finish off a uni assignment that was due on Thursday, which is giving me no end of grief. I was struggling with it before I got the injury, but in my oxy-haze, absolutely nothing is making sense to me. Luckily I was given an extension until today, but I don't think I will be making that deadline!

In other random news, I have been using all this new found spare time filling in my new 2012 diary! This year I got a Kikki K red A5 diary and I love it! It's my christmas present to myself each year as it usually takes me a couple of months to find the exact right diary that is 'the one'! My neurosis, I know! So I have busily put on all important dates and holidays that are coming up - it's quite exciting to see everything we are doing in the next month or two.

Hopefully the next blog entry will see me being pain free, back to work, and feeling good!