My forever angel Vanilla

You came to us with such joy after a long journey. From the beginning we loved you. We will always remember you.

Tears for my lost baby

I keep breaking down into tears. All it takes is a split second thought and I start crying. Every time I look at Murray, I think about the baby we were going to have together. And now we aren't. Everyone keeps saying that 'at least we know we can get pregnant'. That's cold comfort right now. And there is no guarantee we will get pregnant again. This was our 5th transfer from 8 cycles. How do we know that it wont take another 8 cycles for me to fall? And if I lose it again? Why would I want to put myself through that again. Another loss would almost make it not worth having a child. It just hurts too much.

D&C

I spent most of today in hospital. We decided that we would go ahead with a d&c so that they could test the 'products of conception' to find out what went wrong. Once we made that decision, I just wanted to get it done as soon as possible, which is how I found myself at admissions at 9am this morning.

Mike, my obs, was lovely, so caring and compassionate. He came and saw me before the procedure for 5 minutes to talk about how I was feeling and what would happen. My Mum came along with me for the day as Murray couldn't really afford to take any more time off of work. Unfortunately the overflow of the day surgery patients are put in the same ward as the maternity patients, so I got to listen to babies crying while I got dressed, ready to have my baby taken away from me. Thank God my Mum was with me, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. I remember waking up in recovery and just crying my eyes out.

I am still bleeding heavily, and was told to expect to bleed for a week or two. I also have to organise a follow up appointment with Mike for 4-6 weeks time. I have asked him if I am able to swap to have him as my fertility specialist as well, as he works for the same clinic as my FS, and he said that would be absolutely fine. I just need a new referral.

I feel very lost. I don't want to do IVF again. But I have to. I don't want to do anything every again. Work. Fun, Seeing people. Eating. It is all too hard. But I have to. Because that's what I do.

It's over

This is not a viable pregnancy. The sac only measured 6 weeks, there was no sign of a baby or a heartbeat. I have been given the option to miscarry naturally or have a d&c. I have no preference for either.

I don't know how to feel. I have cried but only superficially. I feel numb. I have moments of extreme sadness yet I stop them as soon as they start, for I am too scared to deal with the pain it brings. I almost feel like it is happening to someone else. Surely it's not happening to me? I am pregnant remember? I've put on weight, my breasts are sore, I have bonded with my baby in utero. Surely it is all but a dream and I will wake up with a baby in my arms.

No news is.. well no news

Feeling very un-pregnant like. My fatigue has disappeared and I don't feel fuzzy. I'm not as bloated and have no nausea. The only symptom still hanging around are my sore boobs, which even they are not as bad as they were a week ago. I feel like it is over. I know I should be staying positive, that's what everyone is telling me anyway. But last night all I could think about was contingency plans - when we could fit another cycle in, how much money we can spend and if we should go on the adoption waiting list.

Emotionally I am blank. Just a big fat blank. I'm scared but I cant let myself be consumed by that because I don't want to get depressed again. I'm tired of sinking into that dark hole over and over again. So for now I am feeling nothing. Not thinking of the baby, whenever that is actually possible, not thinking of the scan or beta numbers. Just getting through each hour of each day until Monday.

Yet after saying all of that, I want this so badly... I just have to turn myself off, otherwise the emotion is too strong.

4280

My hcg levels are 4280. So they are doing something, but still not at a great rate. We wont really know much more until the scan on Monday. I've heard that you wont usually get a heartbeat until the hcg levels are over 6000iu so I am praying that it is okay.

I rang up and complained about the attitude of one of the nurses today. I had a phone message to give the clinic a call, and Linda answered. She gave me my results and was so gloom and doom about the whole thing. When I questioned whether my number was okay, she said to me that the numbers were giving me 'false hope' and implied that it was already over with. I was so upset, I got off the phone and sulked for a bit, but then decided I need to call back and speak to a different nurse.

The other lady was lovely and said that there was no way for us to know what was going to happen, and that yes - ideally my numbers would be a lot higher but it can still happen. She then told me that she had an ultrasound with her second child with no heartbeat, and they scheduled a d&c, then just before she had it she had a second ultrasound and there was one, and she now has a 5 year old! I told her the things that Linda had been saying and she agreed that it wasn't what I needed to be hearing. I left it at that as I don't feel a formal complaint would help me at this point.

I am keeping my appointment with my obstetrician on Monday. He is going to do a scan first thing to check on growth, and then we will go from there.

Not the best of news

There was no heartbeat. There is a sac and what looks like it could be the beginning of a fetal pole, but it's still small. And no heartbeat. Our doctor has said not to give up hope, and it could just be too earlier, considering how low my beta numbers have been, but I'm not so sure.

After my doctor did the scan, a nurse came in to take a photocopy of my records to take to the doctor, but she was so negative in her attitude, almost pitiful towards us but not compassionate if that makes sense. She was talking like it was already over? In the end she said that she would wait until tomorrow before she would decide whether to forward my file on to the OBs. We left the clinic upset that we hadn't heard a heartbeat and that we could lose this precious life inside of me, yet all I could think about was that this woman who was meant to support us had already decided that it was over and done with.

I have a blood test tomorrow morning which will tell us whether or not my hcg levels are rising still, and then my first obstetrician appointment on Monday. The OBs is also a fertility specialist at my clinic, so my dr is going to talk to him and we will do a scan first thing at the appointment to figure out whether the sac has grown or not.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should remain hopeful that maybe it is still too early, and that my levels will keep rising, or if this is it.

Google Analytics

I have had Google Analytics hooked up on my computer for a while now, mainly because I get a thrill looking at the map of the world and seeing where all my lovely visitors are coming from. (My most regular visitors appear to be from Abbotsford, New York, Austin & Etobicoke!)

I was flicking through the report when I saw that the number of people who have searched for something and come to my blog is huge! Besides the standard IVM, IVF, Will my embryos grow to blastocyst questions, there were some really strange things that people have somehow searched for and I have come up in the search results!

My favourites from today...

• crazyasi.alady
• my do.ctor rectally
• acupuncture m.ain point for drowning
• barbie is pr.egnant
• can bik.ing make you infertile
• crazy lady dancing on tables
• fulltim.efuck
• gym cra.zy society
• old crazy lady at chu.rch driving me crazy
• what kin.d of birds are pessaries
• www.slimnow.belly machine.com
• injec.tion of therapeutic substance into the eye

(Note the punctuation in the search terms- believe me, I am not trying to attract these searches!)

What things have people searched for to get to your blog???

First belly shot

I decided to get my butt into gear and take a sort-of before photo of my belly, before I turn into a massive blob. So here is me at 7 weeks pregnant. I'm a size 18 (14 US) normally so I'm aiming not to put on too much weight. Although in saying that, I have already put on three kilos since the beginning of the FET cycle, mainly from lack of exercise and my hopeless junk food addiction.

Hopefully I will have lots more of these photos to come.

7 weeks pregnant

First ultrasound on Monday... I feel so nervous but quietly confident.

Newspaper article

The Budget

The 08/09 budget has been announced, and unfortunately IVF rebates will be capped. Not only that, obstetrics rebates will also be capped. I am lucky that these don't kick until 2010, but I feel really sorry for those people who need IVF treatment in the future. I feel sick that I voted for this government.

The Government will introduce a cap on Medicare benefits payable under the
Extended Medicare Safety Net for a range of items with excessive fees, including
to all assisted reproductive technology items and items for treatment of
varicose veins, the injection of a therapeutic substance into the eye, hair
transplants and a cataract surgery item. The caps will take effect from
1 January 2010.

In 2008, expenditure on the Extended Medicare Safety Net was $414.1 million, an increase of 29.7 per cent from the previous year. The items to be capped accounted for around 28 per cent of all expenditure on the Extended Medicare Safety Net in 2008 and the expenditure on these items has grown at an average rate of approximately 50 per cent per year for the past two years.

There is evidence that the Extended Medicare Safety Net has enabled some doctors to charge excessive fees resulting in windfalls being paid by taxpayers through Medicare. (How about the improvements in technology in that time, surely that is a contributing factor also!) The cap will encourage patients whose doctors charge excessive fees to seek other providers who charge more reasonable fees. (We only have a couple of clinics as it is! There isnt any choice!) The Extended Medicare Safety Net was introduced in the 2003‑04 Budget.
This measure will provide savings of $257.9 million over four years.

1700

My bHCG levels are at 1700. Still pregnant, but my clinic I am happy with that. I get the feeling sometimes that they don't want to say anything positive, just in case things dont turn out well, but come on! You need to give me something to work with here! As far as I'm concerned, 388 to 1700 in a week is good. Of course I would have loved for it to miraculously become 5000 but it didn't happen.

The nurse said that we wont really know what is happening intil we have an ultrasound, so I am booked in for Monday 1.45pm to hopefully see our little baby.

Trying to not run out and buy more baby stuff. Stay calm Rebecca...