Fertility Friend

After all this time, I still track my cycles. Nowadays everyone has apps on their phone, but pre-iPhone (gosh, we really have been trying for a long time!), I used to hope on my PC first thing in the morning, log on to Fertility Friend and type in my temperature and any signs that I had that day.

Now I don't bother with temperature tracking - I am much more in tune to my body's signals around ovulation and my period, but it was definitely helpful in the first few years. It's also a lot easier because FF has an app on my phone, so I don't even have to go to the computer anymore.

Why is any of this important? Well, FF also gives me statistics. And who doesn't love a good stat?

This cycle is number 100 of trying to conceive. 28 June 2006 was the first day of our first cycle which means we are coming to 10 years of, well, all of this. Not exactly something to celebrate, but certainly a reminder of the journey that has taken place.

Professional photos from our 10 year vow renewal

Back in November I wrote about our 10th wedding anniversary and how we chose to renew our wedding vows. I realised tonight that I never posted our proper photos, only a couple of blurry mobile phone shots. Rectifying that now!

We had picnic blankets, parasols and fans

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All of my work friends

We hired a face painter to entertain all of the kids - it was a hit!

Us with some of our nieces and nephews

Things to speak with the FS about

I am putting together a list of things to talk to our specialist about when we meet with her on February 15.

• During our last embryo transfer, she mentioned something about some herbs that have shown some promising results, but as my legs were in stirrups I wasn't exactly retaining that knowledge! Hopefully I can find out more about that.
• If DHEA is worthwhile for PCOS patients. Even though I seem to get lots of eggs, the quality is poor, and I am interested to know if DHEA would help in this
• Any other herbs or supplements that she recommends
• Whether regular ejaculation is a yay or nay before giving the sample. Murray's great results were after infrequent ejaculation, but we were told in the standard IVF literature we received to ejaculate every second day prior to giving a sample, which of course was our worst result, so I am hesitant to follow that advice again
• Is it worth trying the endo scratch again? Man it hurt like crazy, but the results do suggest that it improves the odds significantly. 
• Would a different style of cycle work? I've been doing FFSH with Orgalutran, but perhaps a down reg cycle with Lucrin instead of Syneral would work better (I wont agree to a Syneral cycle as the nose spray gives me horrific migraines, I would have to be on bed rest for the whole cycle).

Preparing ourselves for the VERY last cycle

It feels a bit dejavu going through this all over again, but this really will be our last treatment cycle. We have an appointment booked with our doctor on February 15th, and then it will be a case of working out the best timing to proceed with IVF.

There are a couple of things we have started doing in preparation for this cycle. A few people on my lost post had some recommendations which I have definitely taken on board - thank you everyone.

• Started eating healthy, including no Red Bull (a serious weakness of mine)
• During the cycle, I will also be cutting out caffeine (I currently have Coke Zero a couple of times a week but no coffee)
• Getting back into my exercise routine. We have been going to the gym and walking the dogs five times a week, trying to get into a good groove
• I am now taking my usual Folate and B12 supplement, but have added fish oil tablets and COQ10 which is an antioxidant. I am also looking into Inositol which looks to have good results
• Murray is back on the Conceive Well tablets, and has also started taking fish oil tablets.
• I will be having acupuncture done during the next cycle, if only before and after embryo transfer

I am headed to Sydney for the ANZAC Day long weekend in April so I want to get this over and done with by then if possible, which would mean a March/early April cycle.

We went and saw the clinics fertility counsellor yesterday, but to be honest it was a waste of time. We mainly did it because Murray was so disappointed after the last result, but we have both recovered well now, and having some time off over Christmas and the New Year has helped both of us to move on.

Another shot

We got a call from the fertility clinic today, and they have convinced the Health Department that we should have another fully funded (free) attempt at IVF. I don't know how to feel about it. I was starting to come to terms with not having a biological child, but now this wave of hope is there. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

I have an appointment booked with the fertility specialist in February, and I'll also book in to see the Scientific Director to discuss the embryo development. I'm starting a healthy eating and exercise regime, and I'm considering some supplements which look interesting.

No biological children

It’s hard to imagine that I will never be pregnant, give birth or have a child born to us. I’m trying not to spend time thinking about it. I’ve mourned it each and every unsuccessful IVF attempt. I’m scared that if I cry, I will never stop and I’ll fall into clinical depression again.

The darkness that depression brings is a place I don’t want to go back to, so I am being as proactive as possible to avoid that. That means positivity, focusing on adoption, and not allowing myself to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself.

I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hate when people ask me how I am going, or where we are up to because then I have to think about it instead of pretending that it never happened. I should never have had hope.

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone. I guess I just never expected that the person who can’t have children would be me.

 

Murray is devastated. I spent most of Saturday evening comforting him, while trying not to let my own emotions overflow. I can’t give him much comfort though. We are infertile –both of us. Unable to bear children. No guarantee that we will ever be placed with a child for adoption. And somehow we have to be okay with that.

Day 29 - 9dp3dt Still negative

Another negative this morning and I am PMS'ing like there is no tomorrow so it is over. I guess I always knew that this would be the likely outcome. I'm trying hard to keep everything together. No tears and only positive thoughts, that our baby will come to us through adoption. And even if there is no baby, that we will have each other, and that could be enough.

Day 27 - 7dp3dt BFN

I tested this morning. I knew I shouldn’t have but I did anyway. Negative. I know, I know, there is still a chance that it is too early to show up, but the odds get lower and lower all the time for us.

 

My brother is going through some things at the moment, and I bargained with God that if he could help him, I would be okay with this not working. Well my brothers situation started looking up today, so part of me feels like that deal is done. I know how silly that sounds, but this whole process makes you a little nuts.

 

 

Day 25 - 5dp3dt

I'm ready to test and just be done with it all. I know nothing will show up this early, and I will hold out for a while yet but I just want this over with. If I'm not pregnant, I don't want to be filled with hope that is then going to hurt me further.

6 more days until the blood test.

Day 23 - Waiting

This part of the process is always hard. Even though the logical side of me says that the odds are unlikely (I've guessed around 10-15% success), it doesn't stop my brain and heart running off together each night, thinking about twins and baby names and why sports they might play when they are older. 

I should know better, but can you do when your mind wants to play games with you. Murray and I are being strong in our faith that whatever the outcome, it will be right for us. 

Day 20 - Double embryo transfer

We had two day 3 embryos transferred today - a 5 cell and a 7 cell embryo.

While it doesn't look super promising, the fact that we made it to transfer is enough for me right now. The three that divided kept growing overnight, and I have to call back this afternoon to see if we will have any to freeze, but it is unlikely.

My blood test is Saturday December 5th. I'll try not to test beforehand, but it is my work Christmas party the day before so I probably will on the Friday so I can have a drink if I feel like it.

So that's it - our last egg collection and transfer. Good luck little embies.

Day 19- 3/14 survive

Unfortunately overnight only 3 of the 14 fertilised eggs divided into embryos- the rest have arrested (died/stopped growing).

We are going in for our transfer at 11.45 tomorrow and will have 2 x day 3 embryos transferred, as long as they are still dividing.

I'm upset but there isn't much I can do about it so trying not to dwell on it.