Another shot

We got a call from the fertility clinic today, and they have convinced the Health Department that we should have another fully funded (free) attempt at IVF. I don't know how to feel about it. I was starting to come to terms with not having a biological child, but now this wave of hope is there. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

I have an appointment booked with the fertility specialist in February, and I'll also book in to see the Scientific Director to discuss the embryo development. I'm starting a healthy eating and exercise regime, and I'm considering some supplements which look interesting.

No biological children

It’s hard to imagine that I will never be pregnant, give birth or have a child born to us. I’m trying not to spend time thinking about it. I’ve mourned it each and every unsuccessful IVF attempt. I’m scared that if I cry, I will never stop and I’ll fall into clinical depression again.

The darkness that depression brings is a place I don’t want to go back to, so I am being as proactive as possible to avoid that. That means positivity, focusing on adoption, and not allowing myself to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself.

I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hate when people ask me how I am going, or where we are up to because then I have to think about it instead of pretending that it never happened. I should never have had hope.

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone. I guess I just never expected that the person who can’t have children would be me.

 

Murray is devastated. I spent most of Saturday evening comforting him, while trying not to let my own emotions overflow. I can’t give him much comfort though. We are infertile –both of us. Unable to bear children. No guarantee that we will ever be placed with a child for adoption. And somehow we have to be okay with that.

Day 29 - 9dp3dt Still negative

Another negative this morning and I am PMS'ing like there is no tomorrow so it is over. I guess I always knew that this would be the likely outcome. I'm trying hard to keep everything together. No tears and only positive thoughts, that our baby will come to us through adoption. And even if there is no baby, that we will have each other, and that could be enough.

Day 27 - 7dp3dt BFN

I tested this morning. I knew I shouldn’t have but I did anyway. Negative. I know, I know, there is still a chance that it is too early to show up, but the odds get lower and lower all the time for us.

 

My brother is going through some things at the moment, and I bargained with God that if he could help him, I would be okay with this not working. Well my brothers situation started looking up today, so part of me feels like that deal is done. I know how silly that sounds, but this whole process makes you a little nuts.

 

 

Day 25 - 5dp3dt

I'm ready to test and just be done with it all. I know nothing will show up this early, and I will hold out for a while yet but I just want this over with. If I'm not pregnant, I don't want to be filled with hope that is then going to hurt me further.

6 more days until the blood test.

Day 23 - Waiting

This part of the process is always hard. Even though the logical side of me says that the odds are unlikely (I've guessed around 10-15% success), it doesn't stop my brain and heart running off together each night, thinking about twins and baby names and why sports they might play when they are older. 

I should know better, but can you do when your mind wants to play games with you. Murray and I are being strong in our faith that whatever the outcome, it will be right for us. 

Day 20 - Double embryo transfer

We had two day 3 embryos transferred today - a 5 cell and a 7 cell embryo.

While it doesn't look super promising, the fact that we made it to transfer is enough for me right now. The three that divided kept growing overnight, and I have to call back this afternoon to see if we will have any to freeze, but it is unlikely.

My blood test is Saturday December 5th. I'll try not to test beforehand, but it is my work Christmas party the day before so I probably will on the Friday so I can have a drink if I feel like it.

So that's it - our last egg collection and transfer. Good luck little embies.

Day 19- 3/14 survive

Unfortunately overnight only 3 of the 14 fertilised eggs divided into embryos- the rest have arrested (died/stopped growing).

We are going in for our transfer at 11.45 tomorrow and will have 2 x day 3 embryos transferred, as long as they are still dividing.

I'm upset but there isn't much I can do about it so trying not to dwell on it.

Day 18 - Fertilisation results

I'm out of the post-up fogginess from yesterday so can finally sit down and write about how the day went. As you know, we got 17 eggs which is a really good result - I wanted between 10 and 20, and really didn't want more than 20 as that puts me at risk of ovarian hyperstimulation. 17 is pretty much my sweet spot!

We did get some not so great news though. After all of Murray's amazing sperm test results of late, his sample on the day was very poor. Only 0.01% motile sperm was available, which is pretty much non-existent. The embryologist was pretty shocked by the result considering how well he had been doing, but prepared us that we may not get great fertilisation results. We are using ICSI though so obviously that works in our favour.

I rang the clinic this afternoon for our fertilisation results and we had 14 eggs fertilised! 1 egg wasn't suitable for injection, so of the 16 injected, 14 came through which is such a good result.

I had a bit of a chat with the embryologist about options going forward, as the clinic doesn't seem to have all my records from my previous clinic when we used Murray's sperm. We have a history of embryo's arresting from day 3-5, whereby we can have lots still going at day 3 and then nothing by day 5. I'm thinking that a double embryo transfer at day 3 might be our best option, just in case there is nothing that makes it to blastocyst. I don't know, I'm happy to be guided by Dr Williams, and they do allow day 4 transfers which could be a good compromise. I just want to make sure that we get a transfer after all of this.

Photo of me just before egg collection - trying to stay calm!

Day 17- Egg Collection

Just a quick post that egg collection went well today. I got 17 eggs and am doing okay

Day 16 - Be calm my anxious heart

I'm trying not go down the what if path. I am trying to trust God, and let his will be done. And I know that after all this time the odds are low of success. I know and I try and I trust. But I am also scared that this is it. Our last chance.

Day 15 - Ready to (pull the) trigger!

My Egg Collection has been booked in for this Saturday at 11.20am. My blood test this morning showed my estrogen at 10510, LH at 3 and Progesterone at 3.4, so we are all good to go. I wish I had another ultrasound so I could see if they have grown anymore but I have to trust that they are all there waiting to be extracted.

So what happens next…

Thursday

• Stop my Puregon/Orgalutran/Luveris injections – yay! My stomach is feeling very tender!
• Take 1 x Ranitadine tablet tonight – this is because I have had a gastric sleeve
• Take my antibiotics tablets 2 x Azithromycin (500mg)
• Tonight at 11.20pm take my Ovidrel trigger injections

Friday

• Nothing to eat or drink after 11.20pm. The extra long fasting time is because of the gastric sleeve. They need to make sure that my stomach is completely empty as food and water can regurgitate while under anesthetic which can then be inhaled into the wind pipe and lungs, so they are super careful.

Saturday

• Another antacid at 5am with a teaspoon of water
• Check in to Concept at 10am
• Egg Collection!
• Hopefully be released mid-afternoon

So that’s it! Fingers crossed we get a good number of eggs, they fertilise well, and then grow, grow, grow! I don’t want to put a number on the amount of eggs I want to get, but I definitely have an idea of what I would like to get.