BFN

Just need to get through today :-(

'The Perm'

'The Perm'

Still getting used to my new hair, but I'm definitely on the liking it side. Not quite in love, but in like.

Am testing tomorrow morning. 99% dont think I am pregnant. But still have that 1% bitch of hope. I haven't tested since Monday (which I totally know was ridiculously stupid - but what can you do when a girl is given tests!). I just honestly don't feel any different whatsoever. No sore boobs or cramping. Going to the toilet often but I have been doing that even before the transfer, so probably more from my egg collection than anything.

Murray and I had a good talk tonight to prepare ourselves for the likelihood of a negative result and how we will cope. I am so scared for him. But he will be okay I think. He told me tonight that he didn't want to use his sperm anymore, no matter how hard it is to cope with the thought of not having a biological child, it would be harder to keep going and string his hopes along.

So I guess I will see in the morning with the result... please, please, please, please, please....

Being a good girl

No testing today, and I'm not going to test tomorrow either. Our first BFP came on 14dpo, and so I want to wait until then (Friday) so that I know for sure whether we are or aren't pregnant. I'm starting to feel quite anxious about the whole thing, and have been nervey all day.

Off to get my hair done now as a distraction. I'm going to try something completely different - will post a photo when its done!

No testing!

I managed to get through today without testing which I guess is a minor victory. I'm scared though. I don't feel pregnant. At all. I want to cry just saying that. I know it might still happen, but I don't think that it will. How am I going to cope if it doesn't work? How will Murray cope? I've come to terms with the idea of having twins and I want these babies so much. It's almost easier not to try, at least then I don't get my hopes up over everything.

testing

Oh I know I suck. 10dpEPU and negative result. I knew it would be but still - you know I had to do it. My neighbour Megan gave me a bundle of tests this afternoon, so now they are in the house. I am going to use as much willpower as I have and not test tomorrow, and wait until Wednesday FMU - at least then I am getting close to an accurate result.... gah!

9dpEPU

Can I test yet! I know I shouldn't, yet the urge is there. Luckily I don't have any tests in the house which means no testing just yet, but I just want to know already.

I started thinking last night about the whole donor issue, and I think part of my fear at least about going through the donor process, is having to go through IVF again. And then it clicked - maybe I don't have to? If I am healthy (bar my PCOS which is really just ovulation timing), and the donors sperm is good, well can't we do IUI? I know it has a lower success rate compared to IVF, but it is way less invasive and significantly cheaper for each attempt. I need to find out more details about success rates and whether it is a good fit for us, but it definitely makes me feel a little more confident about our options going forward if we dont get the result we want this time.

Off to church this morning, I feel I am being so selfish but all my prayers have been about our little babies, and asking God to please let them grow and stick.

Adoption workshop

Our first workshop is done - preparation for adoptive parenting. It was definitely an eye-opening experience! We had three guest speakers - an adoptee, a couple who adopted a little Ethiopian boy 2 years ago, and a birth mother who relinquished her child in 1981. Each story brought tears to my eyes - so many emotions in one room.

It was great to meet lots of new people who are looking to become parents or extend their family with an adopted child. Of the 17 people their were 7 married couples, one unmarried couple, and one single lady. Two of the couples already had children and were looking to adopt to finish their families, and the rest of us had fertility issues.

Lots of tears were shed, and a great deal of information was passed around in a very long day, It opened my eyes to a lot of things I hadnt really processed well, like how the birth mother must feel throughout the process, that even though for the adoptive parents it is a wonderful thing to be given a child to parent and love, for the child it must be the most terrifying thing ever to be handed over to people they dont know.

Lots of food for thought. I think I swung between hating the idead of adopting and being 100% sure I only wanted to adopt half a dozen times during the session! When I spoke to Murray when we left, he said he felt exactly the same! It's another rollercoaster all over again!

I have decided that I would like to try donor sperm at least once. When I sit down and think about adoption, I know that in the end I would be okay with it, but right here right now, the loss of not being pregnant, not giving birth, not breastfeeding my child, not waking up in the middle of the night to feed the baby - there is a huge feeling of loss and grief that I cant let go of. I could end up with 24 hour morning sickness, pre-eclampsia, a c-section delivery under general anaesthetic, and a colicky child and people will laugh at me and say I told you so. But I don't care. It is something that I desire, I want, and right now it feels like a need. Yes it is a need that is nowhere near as great as having the child itself. That trumps all. But it would still be a huge loss for me to lose that. It is what makes me a woman - my birth right.

Anyway, enough ramblings for one night. I was meant to see my neices and nephew tomorrow morning but apparently they have gastro so I guess I will need to arrange to see them another time.

4dp3dt = 7dpEPU
5 days until I can do a HPT
Going a bit nuts!

waiting and more waiting

Just waiting around at the moment - I hate this part of it all. The not knowing what is going on.
We have our first adoption work tomorrow - Adoption and attachment parenting - all about the special needs of parenting an adopted child.
It's one of three seminars we need to go to before we can be assessed to be adoptive parents.

I feel weird putting so much effort into the adoption stuff while still doing IVF, who knows - I could be pregnant right now! But I know that if I am not pregnant, I don’t want to fall to pieces, and starting the adoption process is a way for me to still feel like we are doing something positive.

None of the other embryos made it to blastocyst stage, so no spares in the freezer. Please God, please let me be pregnant.

Snug & Buggles

Our two little babies are currently residing in my uterus, hopefully for the next nine months! Snug and Buggles were both grade 1 embryos, one was six cells, the other was nine cells. We also have another embryo that is at 6 cells and the clinic is going to try and grow it to blast to freeze as a backup.

So now I just need to keep going with life, I'm on crinone once daily and that's it for the moment. Beta will be on Monday 2 November so will try and hold out until next Wednesday before I test. Even if this cycle doesn't work, I am just grateful that we made it to transfer, to give our little embryos the best shot at this.

Is donor sperm for us>???

The more I think about it (and the more DI books I read), the less I want to go down the donor sperm path. I honestly believe that a mother and father are not by genetics but by who brings you up, as proven by my relationship with my father.

The problem is that every book I read is about how hard donor IVF/IUI is. I have no problem with telling our child they were conceived with donor sperm. None whatsoever. But do you then have to disclose to every Tom, Dick & Harry off the street when they comment on how much alike the child is to its father?

I also don't want to Murray to feel like this isn't just as much his child as it is mine. We have talked about it and he says he wont, but once again, everything I have read says that the man secretly is thinking that.

In saying all of that, I wont do another cycle with Murrays sperm once we have finished this one. You know how everyone in the world has told me that I need a break? Well I finally get it. Like REALLY get it. I can almost see myself stopping treatment for good, skipping DI and just waiting for adoption to happen in it's own time. But that's not a promise - don't get me wrong, I do like the idea. But I reserve the right to change my mind and do whatever the hell I want to do.

Let's just concentrate on getting this cycle to work first.

Oh and I would love to hear your experiences of donor sperm, either if you have used it, if you have considered using it, or have friends children conceived by it and your experience from that point of view. I need ass-vice and lots of it!

Crap fertilisation

Only five of my eggs fertilised through ICSI, with another one possibly being a latecomer. I am so upset, they tried ICSI on 17 of the eggs and we only got five? We have never had that low a fertilisation rate. Now I am scared that we wont even get to Day 3 to transfer. I don't think I have ever prayed this hard in my life. I can't have gone through this for nothing.

So this is what a normal egg collection feels like!

I feel actually pretty human. Usually after my egg collection I am a wreck in so much pain from a combination of hyperstimulation or from going for the really immature eggs, but none of that today, just a little bit of cramping and a little out of it.

We got 20 eggs, of which 12 were fully mature, and the rest we will do IVM on. It's actually a good result for, much less than what we normally get but we needed to do something to stop me from getting OHSS and fingers crossed this will work. It's strange to be wanting not many eggs when it is drummed into your head that more is better!

So now all I can do is pray.

Dear Lord,
Please look after our embryos and help them grow strong.
Murray & I would love to be parents to a child, and we believe this is in your plan for us. I put all of my worries and concerns to you, because I know you are the only one who can help us.
I ask all of this in your name.
Amen.