A friend of ours recently approached Murray and asked him if our relationship was okay. His concern was that I dominate Murray and don't treat him very well at times. That I am too bossy and dictate what we will do and how we will do it. That Murray's self esteem is being eroded by my attitude towards him.
My first reaction was to laugh. I know I am bossy, and moody and temperamental and high maintenance. But almost immediately after the laughter ended, was the thought that this is how people perceive me. As an overbearing, narky wife who doesn't support her husband. Who doesn't love him 100% and doesn't consider him her equal and partner in life. Because I do, so very much I do.
This isn't a justification of our relationship. Only Murray and I know exactly what our relationship is like. I believe our friend was trying to help, trying to intervene before something happened like with my girlfriend and her husband. But it has got me wondering, what sort of marriages other people have, and are we really that 'abnormal'?
Some people barely every fight with each other, and only talk very calmly, even in the midst of a major disagreement. Others scream and fight over every small thing, but make up just as quickly. Many subscribe to the adage of never letting the sun go down on an argument, while others can hold a grudge for weeks and months. Some women (and men) withhold sex as a punishment. Others use more subtle techniques to get what they want - the old 'plant an idea in the males head to make them think it was their idea from the beginning'.
I think the main thing is that you are in the relationship for the right reasons - love, friendship and fidelity. However we choose to express that love is up to us.
Oh and the friends advice? He suggested throwing what I would call a 'mantrum' - smashing a glass against a wall and then staying at his Mum's for a few days. Rightio then.
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ReplyDeleteWTF?
ReplyDeleteI can understand if someone has a genuine concern for their friends... but I think maybe you and Murray ought to give this person a wide berth. Seems like he has been "studying" you both way too much. And then thinks that it is in Murray's best interest to dish out his very special relationship advice? Wow.
Try not to get too worked up, from the outside people can only see a slice of your marriage, and not the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has their own unique marriage, for us, respect is high on the list, and meshing of personalities, I'm the opposite of you and would describe myself ad low maintenance,and so is my husband, we are both laid back, not dramatic kinda people, neither of us is dominating and we both are very compromising, because that's what works for us, neither of us could be with someone who is high maintenance because we find it exhausting,
I'm telling you all this, because maybe your husbands friend is just a different personality, and doesn't get your unique relationship? Obviously Murray is happy an your happy so that's all that matters.
My BIL tried to stick his nose in our marriage around Christmas. If you want to root around my archives I wrote about it there.
ReplyDeleteIt's none of your friend's business what is going on in your marriage! Argh!
hmmm i say you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
ReplyDeleteGuv and i went to a family do nearly 3 years ago, it was the first time two of my cousins [10+ years older than me] had seen Guv and i together properly since we got back from england. they were shocked and didn't know what to make of us.
Guv and i aren't like alot of other couples. we bicker, we tease, we play fight - we're also very affectionate even in public, so mix all that in together and you have two people fighting, baiting each other with insults, kissing, hugging and then punching the other in the arm [in a non violent way LoL] - to most it would appear that we have a dysfunctional marriage but we don't, it's just how we are, it's how we've always been and probably always will be - it works for us, we're happy.
your marriage is NO ONE else's business.
when people question me about ours - my answer is always "and how long have you been married for?" we've usually been married for longer and 9 times out of ten the people asking me aren't even IN a relationship!
~x~
For what it's worth, your own self assessment left me thinking....being bossy, moody, temperamental and high maintenance are not great attributes. I just hope you consider working on those and don't assume that because they don't appear to be getting in the way right now, they won't cause problems later on.
ReplyDeleteAnon- Honestly I don't think I need to change. I have been this way the whole time I have known my husband, he loves me for who I am. Some people would say I am assertive while I say bossy. Some say emotional and compassionate, I say moody. Others say high standards, I say high maintenance.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone can work on themselves in some way, but as a general rule, I think we are doing pretty darn well.
LOL@Anon: that's rich! I think Murray knows Bec well enough to decide whether her "attributes" are acceptable to him. I'm sure Murray has some traits that aren't perfect either and Bec still chose to marry him. As usual, another gutless anon. Tell us how perfect you are so that we can be more like you please!
ReplyDelete