Catch up post

I've been really slack with my blogging this week, usually I try to check in every couple of days but it has been flat out at work and with starting boot camp (Check out my other blog for the story)

Last Monday I had a nurses appointment at the clinic to sign all the paperwork for our next IVF cycle. I used to love when they give you the cooler bag filled with drugs, once upon a time it would be exciting to come home and go through all the bits and pieces. Now it's just another thing that I have to do. Not so much depressing as mundane.

There was a new nurse who has only just started at the clinic and she did a really thorough runthrough of what they are going to do this cycle. I already knew all of it but it is good to have someone go through those things anyway. I also made it clear to her that I wanted to start getting additional information relayed to me after blood tests, such as my estrogen and progesterone levels. Generally they just tell me what to do next, stick with my dose or up it without explaining why. I really want to try and regain a bit of control over my body and this process, and the best thing I can do is it be informed about what is happening. The nurse said that that would be fine, and that if a nurse doesn't offer the information, to ask for it and they will give it to me. Score one for me!

I also had a counselling session with my old EAP (Employee Assistance Program) counsellor on Monday. I haven't seen her for six months, at my work you get five free counselling sessions a year and I used all of mine early last year with my initial infertility diagnosis. It was really good to see her and speak openly with someone who understands me.
I realised throgh counselling that a big part of the way I have been feeling is that in the past, I have coped with my infertility by focusing on my work. I had a job I really enjoyed that was challenging and fulfilling, but that was taken away from me because of my 'life choices', in other words because I wanted a baby and had to do IVF. I can see the logistical reasons now, and have dealt with that decision, but at the time it tore me to shreds. I was then moved to a job that was ten times as busy, but with administrative work where I felt unrewarded. I know I have done a really great job in this new position, but I just don't enjoy it. I have been doing super long hours, it's thankless and unrewarding. So now the infertility diagnosis hurts even more, because I don't have the baby, and I don't even have an enjoyable job to fall back on. My counsellor really stressed to me that while it sucks and is completely unfair, sometimes there is no perfect answer. I could stay and hate my job but it would be a better position to come back to after we have a baby, or I could change positions and have to restablish myself, possibly put the baby stuff off for a bit and be happy now, but have IVF and babies hanging over my head. She said that a lot of people think there is a third option where everything works out perfectly, but for the most part that isn't the case.

Moving along from that, on Friday my boss called me into her office for a meeting. She said that she knew I was unhappy and even though I was doing a fantastic job in the position, if I wasn't happy I shouldn't be there. Honestly, at this point I thought she was going to fire me. Instead she offered me a new position, Project Officer for a new corporate wide strategy to be rolled out over the next year. I've talked it over with Murray and I am going to take the job. It's a huge opportunity for me, while still being able to stay in the same branch with the people I have established relationships with. It's good for IVF because while the position involves organising lots of service launches, I can plan those dates and times, and will always have somebody else who can go in my place on the actual day if I'm unavailable.

So I guess I am one of the lucky ones, I do have a third option. It's taken a while for it to rear it's head but for the first time I am starting to feel really good about myself again.