I'm struggling today. 99% of the time, I am happy, and my childlessness doesn't impact my mood or how I feel. I am grateful for what I have in my life, and that we are adopting.
Today I felt my empty womb screaming at me. I was sitting in church, surrounding by children and new babies, watching a little baby have their dedication. They read a verse from Psalms where it says that the fruit of the womb is a blessing and a reward.
I know I have been blessed. I have so much good in my life. But there is still a part of me that screams out - why am I not worthy of this particular blessing.
It was also the first time that I think I really acknowledged that I will not have a child from my body. There will be no heart beat that co-exists with mine. Although I have dealt with the theoretical side of things, of not having a biological child, I hadn't really brought that to a practical level. No giving birth. No child from my womb. I can deal with it if I KNEW that we would have a child through adoption. But relinquishing the hope of having a biological child for the HOPE of an adopted child, is so much to give up.
I'm okay with it. I've had a lot of time to grieve. But there are moments like today that grab me, and I imagine will always grab me and be a punch straight to the guts.
Seems as though we were on the same wavelength -- why does it always hit at church? Grieving of what could have been is tough, and I think that's why I'm okay 99% of the time too.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not alone.
I will never be okay with my childlessness. Especially since I am almost 40 and divorced. It makes it even harder to deal with. You are so lucky to have such a loving, committed hubby.
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