Dreaming

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I don't know how - whether it was IVF or natural. I remember feeling scared but mainly I remember feeling complete.

It was such a warm and happy feeling, I didn't want to wake up.

I know it will happen.

Charlie's First Photos

Welcome to the family

We have a new addition to our family! No photos just yet but I feel like a very proud mummy being able to introduce our little puppy Charlie! He is a King Charles Cavalier X Beagle and he is 8 weeks old.

We looked high and low at the rescue shelters and couldn't find anything that was suitable as first time pet owners. Lots of the dogs had been mistreated or were too boisterous for us, and once we saw Charlie - well it was love at first sight! We didn't get him from a pet store, but we did get him from a breeder which I didn't think I would do. I guess it goes to show that I shouldn't make up my mind so quickly about some of these things. He was being brought up in a gorgeous family and I got to meet the puppys Mum - a beautiful natured King Charles Cav named Abby who was completely black with long hair. Apparently they met with a purebreed beagle to mate and ended up with allsorts of pups!

Our gorgeous Charlie is blenheim (white with tan markings) with short hair. My camera has a flat battery at the moment but I can't wait to get some photos up of our little baby. Murray is completely smitten by him.

We had planned a completely different name for him (CJ) but when we saw him it didn't fit, so Charlie he is! Now I know how new parents must feel - I just want to talk about him all day long.

I haven't been this happy for a long time. In fact I haven't been this happy since the day we got our positive pregnancy test. It's a great feeling but it is also bitter-sweet as this is an acceptance of sorts that a baby isn't in our immediate sights

Gumtree

I have just discovered gumtree.com and I think I'm in love! For the uninitiated, Gumtree is a free site where you can post items for sale, but you can also just leave messages - for example one lady on their is sitting her beauty exam today and needed someone for her to use as her model for her makeup component of the exam. Ahem - well that would be me thankyou very much! The idea is that it puts people in touch with other people, but I am totally addicted!

So I am off to get my makeup done for free, and then Murray and I are off to the theatre to watch 'The Sapphires', a really cool play set in the Vietnam War where a group of aboriginal singers end up performing for the troops. I haven't been to the theatre for years but we bought a subscription to see a couple of plays this year which I am really looking forward to.

And then after that we are off to the Perth Wildcats basketball game - v Melbourne Tigers - We are currently sitting top of the ladder and are heading towards our first championship in 10 years - so expect to see me in full warpaint soon!

Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend. Murray and I have both taken off Monday from work so we can have an extra long Australia Day weekend (Australia Day is January 26!)

No doggy yet!

We haven't found a dog yet, but I have seen one online that is just perfect! It is a 10 month old beagle and he looks so gorgeous, but I can't seem to get hold of his owner. Hopefully somebody hasn't gotten him before us!

Although I love pugs (Suzanne's Tank & Vader are GORGEOUS!), I think a Beagle or King Charles Cavalier would be perfect for us. I am more than happy to have a crossbreed, and I wont be buying a dog from a breeder or pet store, so it really will come down to what is available through the pound and rescue places, and advertised in newspapers.

On another topic, I have been working out really hard lately. Murray let me buy a new heart rate monitor (Polar F7) which is so super-duper cool! I say that he let me because it cost a small fortune (not as much as that links says though - dont have a heart attack Mum!), I don't usually need his permission! It has been a great motivating tool to see how many calories I have burnt off. Oh and it is getting results - I lost 1.8kg this week (4 pounds for my US friends)!!! So am very excited about that! Now I just need to keep up the healthy eating and the exercise and I will start seeing some serious results!

Thinking of adding to our family

Our next door neighbour just got a new addition to their family - a gorgeous little dog called Max! Murray and I have talked on and off about getting a dog but we haven't taken the plunge because other priorities have always emerged and having a baby has always taken over my thoughts. But seeing Max - well I'm dog clucky!

Murray didn't have many pets growing up (I think maybe a rabbit at one point?) so this is a brand new experience for him, and although I have had a dog, I was pretty small at the time, so I want to make sure that we are ready for pet ownership.

I am SO not going to do any work today... will be checking out all of the rescue websites!!!

SO tell me.... do you have/have you had a dog? What breed, how old, what's he/she like and any tips for me?

Sing it Bussa-Bus

Busta Rhymes - Decisions

Let me talk to you, when it feels like the sun ain’t shining bright enough
It’s like the devil’s trying to work to give the night alone
And though I’m blessed, I still gotta handle of things I go through
It’s good to have a friend, with another perspective to show you
Someone you know that knows you, and gives you motivation
Someone that you can go to, and vent your frustration
We always talk about our peeps, how we be everywhere
When you need ‘em the most, are they really ever there?
See , every thing be all good when we be havin’ fun
The difference is really needing a friend than having one
It’s good when your peoples are there to help your problems
And help you smile about it while finding a way to solve it
Look at hear, let me keep it at 100 and let me tell ya
How you hold me down is something I genuinely value
I got a clearer view, and being that you’re always here for me I’ll be here for you

I made a decision, despite all the things that we go through
I’m going to take more time with you, and be a friend indeed
I made a decision, that everything will be alright
Going to stay strong and keep it tight, I’ll be there indeed

Getting into the swing of things

Last weekend we did our counselling at the clinic for pursuing using a donor. It is legislated that every couple who uses a donor has to have counselling to cover the different aspects of donor conception, from telling the child, to making sure that both partners want to do this (that I hadn't dragged Murray along kicking and screaming!), to learning about the legalities involved (eg our names will be on the birth certificate as per any other birth). At the end the counsellor decideds whether we are suitable to use donor sperm which thankfully we were! One small hurdle crossed.

Then we met with the Donor Coordinator, which we were really excited about. However it ended up being really boring. We had a piece of paper with a section for both of our heights, weight, eye colour and hair colour which they will use to put together the closest donor profiles for us. After being told that there would be no waiting list to start using a donor, now apparently there is approximately a three month waiting list. Which is frustrating, and in the past I would have had a tantrum about it, but right now I am really focusing on getting myself ready for this.

Speaking of which, I have finally gone the whole hog and am starting chinese herbs. Just across the road from my new work, there is a tiny little acupuncture place which I stopped into yesterday. The guy there straight away picked up on the baby stuff and I decided to have some acupuncture done. This wasn't the ordinary acupuncture that I was used to though. The guy put four round needles into my ear and covered them with tape! Scared the crap out of me (and it did hurt a little bit when he did it), but it is actually kind of cool now. I have to keep them in for a week or so and see him again in two weeks. You can see on the ear map below that the two points he put in were for more ovaries and uterus (I had to look it up afterwards because I couldn't understand his accent during the consult!) 

I have also given in and am trying Chinese Herbs. The two that I am taking are 'Xue Fu Zhu Yu Wan' and 'Mai Wei Di Huang Wan', as well as some tea that I am yet to try because it is freaking me out! Luckily the herbs are in a pill form so easy to swallow and no major smell or taste. I've never been a big believer in herbs but I guess I can't really judge until I've tried it myself, and if I'm willing to give myself needles and other drugs, I should try this too. The dr brought out a huge folder of thankyou cards and letters of recommendation from women he has helped to get pregnant, and a lot of them had been doing ivf or were infertile, so I am encouraged that this may just be the boost we need.

Censored

I'm tired of fighting.
All mention of my brothers recent indiscretions have been censored.

Message for Awaiting our Miracle

Hon, if you see this message, for whatever reason I can not comment on your blog, and there is no email on your profile. So please email me (address is on contact me page) so we can talk. I'm so terribly sorry to hear about the new diagnosis and am sending you all of my love xxx

I've been tagged!

Thanks to the gorgeous Sarah at Oh the Possibilities - I've been tagged! So here are 10 Things That Make Me Happy!

10. Speaking to my youngest brother - he always cracks me up with his comedy
9. Receiving a card in the mail - I love real mail!
8. Doing something I never thought I could do like completing a triathlon
7. Giving gifts - my favourite pastime is picking out a present for a special occasion
6. Spending time with real friends
5. Listening to a brand new song that I've never heard before and it says everything you feel in your heart
4. Rainbows - thinking about God's promises to the world, I always get a bit teary
3. Handbags - oh how I love my Spencer & Rutherford handbags!
2. Snuggling up in bed with a good book
1. Hugs with my husband

Makeover time

I have to say a big thank you to Danielle at The Design Girl. She has done such a fabulous job on my blog makeover - I feel like a new person already!

Blog feature

We have been lucky enough to be featured on thirtydollardatenight.com! Check out the article here. Thanks Emma for the opportunity!

Can I just say...

how awesome you guys all are! Seriosuly - your comments on the last post have really helped me get my head around the last meeting, in a way that noone else has been able to. I am very thankful for all my friends that have reached out to me through this blog.

I have decided to continue treatment with Dr Thompson. I know our first meeting didn't go well but I need to have faith that this is where I should be, and that the doctor would never harm our attempts of conceiving - he would always try his best even if there is a personal disconnect. I know part of me overreacted to the situation, but I do feel confident in my decision not to pursue ovarian drilling and I wish the Dr had supported me in that decision. But I have the power to choose not to dwell on that and move forward so that's what I will do.

One thing I am going to do to help me feel more confident, is to go into our new clinic and meet one of the embryologists so I can talk through our history, specifically about our embryo development and the difference that donor might make. That way the Dr isn't my only link to the clinic. I think that will make me feel more comfortable about the whole situation.

New year - new me (at least I'm trying right!)

Our new clinic

We have made the big switch to a new fertility clinic! I have been really nervous about this as I have such a great rapport with my doctors at FSWA, but they don't offer donor sperm so we have had to move. It also coincide with the changes to Medicare where we get less money rebated on IVF cycles. Considering we were at the most expensive clinic at Perth and are moving to one of the cheapest, it has had some positive aspects.

I had more first appointment with my new fertility specialist Dr Graeme Thompson on Monday. I had heard pretty good things about him so was quietly confident and excited that we were going to start the process again. Unfortunately that's where the positive story ends. When I sat down with the doctor, we ran through all of the basics and when I said that I had PCOS, he straight away said that he would recommend that i have Ovarian Drilling done. Now this is something that was brought up at the very beginning of our conception journey, I understand the procedure but my previous specialist and I chose not to pursue it as there are no guarantees that it would make any difference to my PCOS, and I needed IVF anyway for the male factor infertility - the drilling wouldn't help me conceive naturally which is what most people use it for. When I explained this to the doctor, and said that my preference was to continue IVF treatment, he got very snappy with me and we entered into a glaring competition! I asked him if my reasons were clear enough, because I was concerned I hadn't articulated myself very well and he told me that "No, you are not making any sense at all", with an attitude you would not believe. When I said that I had been doing IVF for over three years and was confident in making this decision, he told me that "not to sound pompous but Ive been doing this for a lot longer than you have". When I stood my ground and said that I had considered Ovarian Drilling but would not do it, he basically stared me down and then started writing notes on his page. He didnt speak or look at me for a full minute! I felt like I had been sent to the principals office at school and done something terribly bad - I felt that upset and angry! In the end he basically said 'fine, do IVF', but in a very offhand manner which didn't leave me confident that he cared at all. He was trying to get me out of his room and finish the appointment, but I forced him to stop and answer some questions about what dosage I would be on (200iu puregon instead of gonal-f), whether we would use ICSI with a donor (Only IVF unless I dont produce many eggs in which case we will use ICSI to ensure fertilisation) and what his success rates were currently (40%).

I just don't have a good feeling about him, and although I known that if it is going to work, it will - what if there is something to the whole negative thinking and vibes affecting pregnancy outcomes? This doctor showed absolutely no concern for getting me pregnant - I felt less than a number, I feel like he actively dislikes me and I don't feel that he would be trying his best to get me pregnant. I know that might sound like I am overreacting but it is honestly how I feel. Unfortunately the only other doctor who has availability has a weight limit on his patients that I don't meet, and all the other doctors don't have appointments available until at least April! So I think I am going to have to go ahead with this doctor but I don't know how I am going to get around this?

Back to reality

Thank you for your thoughts and wishes over the last week. It has been rough but Murray and my friends have been a big support, being there when I needed to cry, and distracting me when I needed that instead. Life goes on and I am back at work, doing the usual slog.

Hmmm, that's not quite the attitude I want to have. I guess it's more apt to say that I am settling into a routine - work during the day, come home for an hour of tv, then off to the gym, dinner and then bed after reading a chapter of a book. It is good, it's comfortable, and it keeps me happy.

I don't do resolutions but I have set some goals and made plans for the year ahead. The first thing I want to do is this triathlon at the end of February. I did the same one last year but I want to do the short course rather than the mini version. It will stretch me, but I have eight weeks to get fit enough to do it, and I think can do it.

My other goals & plans for the year are:

• do a pottery or art class
• learn to sew - anyone in Perth want to show me how to use a sewing machine?
• visit the Perth Observatory to see the stars in all their glory
• learn a little bit of Malaysian for our trip in July
• get pregnant and stay pregnant

Now all of those are achievable, but only the last one is out of my hands. But I am damn sure going to take control of what I can and do those things.

It's a new year and this is the new and improved me - the old me but with a better attitude to life.