Murray and I just had a huge fight and he has driven off somewhere. I am so angry at him it is not funny, and the feeling is mutual.
I know that I cant take the kids on fulltime because Murray couldnt handle it but I wanted to talk to him about at least taking them for one day a week (Sunday) to spend some time with them, and possibly having them stay over on the Saturday night when it suits. At this point they will be in foster care for at least the next 4-6 weeks.
I started talking to him about it after I spoke to my brother and straight away he wasn't happy with the idea, and said flat out no to them staying overnight. Then he started ranting and raving about how all of last year he was stressed out because of IVF and my family drama, and now he's going to be stressed out again about this. He starts work tomorrow (After 6 weeks school holidays) and is stressing about it because he doesn't like his boss, and he said that he wants the weekends for us. He kept going on about how it's not my job to look after the kids, or to help Mitchell. So I called him a cold hearted prick. Not nice but I was so angry. He wouldn't listen to anything that I had to say at all! So he slammed the front door and drove off.
These children are my blood. I would never forgive myself if I just abandoned these children at what is one of the most unsettling and horrible time of their lives. I couldn't imagine being sent to live with a different family, with noone I know and only seeing my parents for an hour a week, no matter how neglectful they may be. All I want to do is spend some time with them while this is happening so they know that I love them and so they have a familiar face and he is so against it - I just can not for the life of me fathom why. It must be a fear thing but I just dont understand???
He accused me of choosing them above our marriage which hurts me incredibly. But I am so angry that I don't care. I am not going to apologise, I am not going to make good. This is something I want to do and I'm not willing to compromise. I've already compromised on not taking on any of the kids fulltime. Fuck it, I was willing to move to another town so he could pursue his dream job, I was even willing to move overseas for his happiness. But he cant give up possibly 4 bloody Sundays to spend with my nieces and nephew!
Angry angry angry, I know that the right thing to do would be to try and calm down and call him and see where he is, but I am so furious, I dont want to calm down. I want to yell and scream and cry and he has just run away from it all. No doubt he is calling his Mum or sister to bitch about me and they will tell him that he is right and I am wrong, just like always. FUCK.
TOTAL ASSVICE ALERT! Apologies in advance.
ReplyDeleteHon, you don't have an email address or I would send you one. Just to say I am thinking of and praying for you both. I absolutely see where you are coming from, and I understand the sense of love and responsibility you feel for those children. I would be exactly the same.
I can also see how Murray must be feeling. Returning to a job he doesn't like, feeling inadequate that he can't help you do the one thing you want most in the world. He's probably feeling totally overwhelmed right now and taking on kids (that aren't his, even for a short period is just too much)
Women (and I am grossly generalising here!) are equipped to handle alot more better than men. That's why he can't/ won't have the kids.
Murray loves you. You love him. You have both stuck together through alot of terrible, soul searching trials together. You can get through this. Lots of love to you Bec and feel free to delete this! xxxx