Exhausted by everything

Murray and I are at ceasefire. Last night was the biggest fight we have had since we've been married, and we survived so I guess that is something to be positive about.

I spoke to DCP today and they were very much angling for me to take all three kids on as their fulltime carer. When she asked how old I was and I said 22, she basically told me that I probably didnt have an important job anyway so I could quit or work part time to look after the kids. When I told her I earn just under 60k a year, she shut up pretty quickly! They would contribute to some costs of childcare, but they would have to go into childcare everyday because I cant cut done on work right now. Even if I could do it, Murray has said that he wont agree to do it, and realistically I know I cant do this without his support. He is my husband and I have to take his opinions into consideration, even when he doesnt express them well and acts like an asshole!

The other thing the case worker said is that this might not be a short term thing. She said that it probably wont be sorted in a matter of weeks or even months, it might be a year before they get the kids back.

If we don't take the children on fulltime, or share custody with another family member, then we are only entitled to visit the kids at the foster home once a month which I think is incredibly hard. Apparently they have had budget cuts and family visits (extended family, not parents) only get once a month visits because a social worker has to supervise everything. It makes me so sad that I wont be able to see my nieces and nephews whenever I want to. God I hope they are okay.

Alicia's mother called me at work today to gripe about how unfair it all is and how Mitchell and Alicia look after the children just fine. I tried very hard not to be rude but she has her head stuck in the sand if she can't see all the things that they have done to those children.

I feel really drained from all of this so Im glad that the weekend isn't far away. Murray and I had a teary moment today where we both reaffirmed how much we want to have a baby together and we want to do our FET definitely next cycle.

He came home for a minute while I was in the shower and left me a note -

Bec, it’s not the most romantic gesture but I stole you a tyre for Boot Camp from that Diamond Car dealer near Muzz Buzz.

I’m going to go for a walk, need some fresh air.

Love you

All is not forgiven but my anger is subsiding.
I just want him to understand how important this is to me. One day the kids will know what happened at this time, and I want them to know how important they are to me, and that I cared enough to make the effort to see them and spend time with them. I would only hope that if I were somehow seperated from my children, that others would do the same.

So angry

Murray and I just had a huge fight and he has driven off somewhere. I am so angry at him it is not funny, and the feeling is mutual.

I know that I cant take the kids on fulltime because Murray couldnt handle it but I wanted to talk to him about at least taking them for one day a week (Sunday) to spend some time with them, and possibly having them stay over on the Saturday night when it suits. At this point they will be in foster care for at least the next 4-6 weeks.

I started talking to him about it after I spoke to my brother and straight away he wasn't happy with the idea, and said flat out no to them staying overnight. Then he started ranting and raving about how all of last year he was stressed out because of IVF and my family drama, and now he's going to be stressed out again about this. He starts work tomorrow (After 6 weeks school holidays) and is stressing about it because he doesn't like his boss, and he said that he wants the weekends for us. He kept going on about how it's not my job to look after the kids, or to help Mitchell. So I called him a cold hearted prick. Not nice but I was so angry. He wouldn't listen to anything that I had to say at all! So he slammed the front door and drove off.

These children are my blood. I would never forgive myself if I just abandoned these children at what is one of the most unsettling and horrible time of their lives. I couldn't imagine being sent to live with a different family, with noone I know and only seeing my parents for an hour a week, no matter how neglectful they may be. All I want to do is spend some time with them while this is happening so they know that I love them and so they have a familiar face and he is so against it - I just can not for the life of me fathom why. It must be a fear thing but I just dont understand???

He accused me of choosing them above our marriage which hurts me incredibly. But I am so angry that I don't care. I am not going to apologise, I am not going to make good. This is something I want to do and I'm not willing to compromise. I've already compromised on not taking on any of the kids fulltime. Fuck it, I was willing to move to another town so he could pursue his dream job, I was even willing to move overseas for his happiness. But he cant give up possibly 4 bloody Sundays to spend with my nieces and nephew!

Angry angry angry, I know that the right thing to do would be to try and calm down and call him and see where he is, but I am so furious, I dont want to calm down. I want to yell and scream and cry and he has just run away from it all. No doubt he is calling his Mum or sister to bitch about me and they will tell him that he is right and I am wrong, just like always. FUCK.

Family update

My brothers children have been taken off of them by the Department of Child Protection. Apparently it happened this morning, a social worker who they have to see each week offered to drive the kids to daycare, but instead she took them to DCP.

There are no surprises that this is happening, but I wonder what brought it on now. I went to court with Mitchell last Wednesday as he had to asnwer the domestic violence charges against Alicia. He ended up being refered to a family violence program to be assessed for treatment. Also the charges against my father about his alleged attack on Alicia look like they may be going ahead as Mitchell had to go to the police station to make a character witness statement against my Dad. I think the final straw might have been yesterday when Alicia went to her doctor for anti-depressants and said that she couldn't wait for her hospital appointment as she needed help then and there. I assume he had to report that to somebody.

The whole thing is bittersweet. I'm glad the kids aren't at home because they are being neglected, but at the same time I am so sad that my little nieces and nephew are in a strange home tonight, and possibly split up from each other.

I have been trying to talk to Murray about the possibility of at least one of the kids coming to stay with us for a while, which depends on a meeting tomorrow where they will discuss whats happening. But he is deadset against is. I have asked him to at least have an open mind, so hopefully he thinks about it over night.

Just when you think things are looking up... I could really use a hug right now.

Happy Australia Day!

Australia Day celebrates the landing of Captain Cook in Australia. It wasn't the first landing though, there were several sightings of the land down under, centuries earlier on the west coast, not counting of course the aborigines who have been here for tens of thousands of years before us. Australia Day is really important to me. It's about celebrating the country we live in and recognising that we really do live in 'the lucky country'.

We are heading off to my Mum's house for a barbecue lunch, and then watching the fireworks on TV, as the foreshore gets a little too crazy for us! Perth puts on the best celebrations for Australia Day than the rest of the country, probably because we don't do much for New Years Eve. Everyone has flags on their cars which personally I find a little bogan, but I guess that's aussie pride for you!

I wish everyone a very happy Australia Day!

Catch Up

Tonight is my catch up time on everyone elses situations. When Im not actively cycling, I try and keep my head out of all this stuff, and it seems to be working. I had a shocking week with illness last week, but mentally I am feeling really good, concentrating on doing well at work and getting my fitness back up.

Anyhow, we have decided that next cycle we will be doing our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Not thinking too much about it yet, just putting it out there so I can get my head around it.

It's Australia Day tomorrow so I get to have the day off work - Hooray for public holidays!

Still sick

But now with a cold rather than a virus. I sound like a man, that is if my voice decides to cooperate and let me speak at all. Am currently propped up on my couch so that I can sleep upright after not being able to sleep AT ALL last night. I didn't go in to work, instead I logged on remotely to my work server in my PJ's, and got done what I needed to do. Unfortunately work is too busy right now to actually take a sick day!

How much do I love my laptop right now! It's actually Murray's for school but he uses it rarely so it now has pride of place on my couch next to my sleeping spot :-) Am having issues with the wireless internet disconnecting every 5 minutes though - gah!

Starting to get the clucky bug again. I bid on a pram on ebay. I know, I'm stupid, tell me about it. But it was super cheap, and a brand that I like, and noone else had bid on it and, and , and... well yeah I back to being obsessed with babies. But I need to get my health and my head right first.

I don't believe in psychics as such, but I am sure that there are people out there who know a lot more than others, things that aren't overt or obvious, things that perhaps just come to them and happen to be right. Anyway, whatever you believe in, I decided to get an online reading done. I've had one done by this lady before and it has always been eerie how close she gets with some of her things. I have no doubt that half of this information is available on the net, I'm not that naive! But interesting all the same...

My topic for the reading was 'Having a family - babies & children'.

The response...

Ok the very first thing my guide is saying to me is that you have been on the baby train for a long time now. It is exhausting mentally and physically.
You know he is telling me that there is a bit of a diet factor and this is not about weight it is about sugar. It is very interesting to see that sugar is not for you. cut it out, also it is not good for your husband either and this means sugar drinks and sugar of all kinds, eat whole meal, wholegrain and make sure that you eat very low fructose as well. It is about the carbohydrates in your system. It is not helping with your fertility. This is something that needs to be adhered to while you are trying to conceive. I do feel that there is a doctor helping you and you have tried it all. But food is important. More important than you realise and low sugar or no sugar even for a couple of months will make your ovaries work better. This means no or very low carbs. No white carbs for sure.
Or so my guide says, I really am not medically trained and I am giving you what my guide is giving me. So it would be best he says to go to a fertility naturopath.

I certainly do feel that you have time in the future to have a child.

Interesting...

Sick

I haven't been well the last week so no real updates from me.

The Dr says its a virus, or possibly a really bad UTI which is causing all my issues - I've been sporadically vomiting with major body stiffness, headaches and a sore throat (which I have now had for 3 weeks - come on!). I am such a wuss when I am sick, I get depressed very easily and start talking crap in my head.

Anyway, nothing much else has happened - no progress on the book, but I have learnt a couple of new phrases in Italian - dove il ristorante - where is the restaurant! Also checking out hotels for us to stay at for our Phuket holiday. I wish it wasn't so far away!

A new year, a new start

It's been a little while since my last blog entry. I think I just needed a little time out from everything, my own mind included. I'm back at work which is crazy-busy and it's been a tough first week to get through. I missed taking my anti-depressants a couple of days in a row and could definitely feel the effects of it.

We saw our friends from Melbourne last Friday, while they were over on their Christmas break. They are engaged and looking at getting married in January 2010 so we are starting to save for a trip to Melbourne then. Murray should be able to use his frequent flyer points for this trip, and it just so happens that January is the best shopping time in Melbourne - hoorah!

Another exciting thing that has happened over the last week is that we booked a holiday for July! In the midst of winter here, we will be going on a sojourn to Asia, spending 3 nights in Phuket and 4 in Singapore. We were looking at an airline website for a laugh, spotted a ridiculously cheap flight and decided to take the leap and book it on the spot! We have six months to plan a wonderful itinerary, which I imagine will include trips to Phi Phi Island where 'The Beach' was filmed, elephant trekking, shopping at Orchard Road and going to night safari at Singapore Zoo. I'm so excited to have something to look forward to!

I have made a couple of new years resolutions for 2009 which I'd like to share. The first is to get fit and healthy again and try and lose some weight before the end of the year. Ideally I'd love to lose another 10kg over the year, but I'm going to start with doing Boot Camp from Jan 19th which goes for six weeks and work my way from there.

The second is to learn another language.In high school I learnt the basics of Italian - just the numbers, how are you, what is your name etc, but I have decided that I want to expand on that, you know, just in case we get to go there one day! Apparently learning a second language helps with your memory, which is a nice aside as I seem to be losing mine more everyday.

The last of my resolutions is to finally start writing my book. Before I even started this blog, I had the seed of an idea in my head. I wanted to write a book about how hard this was. I had no idea at the time what was ahead of me, but I would have loved somebody to put something in my hands that gave me real understanding of what this was like and signposts to guide me through the perils of infertility and IVF. So today I started working on my book. If you're interested check out The Untitled Book Project. I figured instead of rehashing everything here, I'd keep a seperate journal of the book itself, but no doubt you will hear bits and pieces about it as we go along. My book will be Australia-focused in a lot of its text, specifically about finances, clinics and how we do things. But the essence of the book defies boundaries - how to cope through one of the hardest things you can go through, which I think all of us can identify with.

I'm inspired by Mel at Stirrup Queens, whose book "Navigating the land of IF" is being published this year. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy. She is such a huge asset to the IF/ALI community - I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't received my few comments from fellow bloggers who had found me through the Lost and Found.

Oh, and the last thing that I did this week was re-enrol in uni. Just part-time but enough to get my brain thinking again! I am enrolled in the Bachelor of Business Administration course and my first unit is Business Information Technology, where I believe the main assignment will be to build my own webpage!

Not thinking about IVF or fertility right now. Maybe next month, but I just want to feel free for a little while, and not trapped by my fertility. I'm sure I will come back down to earth with a thud soon enough.