I'm feeling really drained this afternoon, so Im heading off to bed after this for a nap. We had our transfer done this morning but they would only let us transfer one blastocyst after all.
When they rang to say that one had defrosted well, I questioned why both hadn't been thawed. Apparently there was nothing on my file about transferring two so she rang my doctor who said that she was "uncomfortable" with me transferring two embryos because of my age. We came straight into the clinic after that and I requested to speak to somebody about it, so a nurse and Steve came in and we expressed our concerns. I had made it clear to the nurse weeks earlier that I wanted to do a double embryo transfer, the nurse even gave me the stupid consent forms for it! But my doctor didnt agree. We dont have any contact with our specialist unless we physically book a consultation with her which takes weeks to get into, so how was I meant to talk directly to her about it? We are meant to give all our information to the nurses! I meet their criteria for a double transfer as I have had three failed transfers, even they admitted that.
Anyway, I was really upset so they spoke to my doctor again and explained what was happening, and she refused to let me have two transferred, so we were forced to transfer just one of our blastocysts.
I'm not so upset about transferring one, because I know that it can work for other people. I'm upset that I had built this up in my head and once again their communication sucks and I'm the one who has to deal with the emotions of it all. I'm tired of doing treatment, I'm tired of being infertile, I'm doing of being so emotional.
I am really struggling with the physical strength needed to get through these cycles. My moods are all over the place, even within an hour I can swing from being horrible to super friendly, then flighty and back to moody again. The pessaries and crinone are making my life a nightmare downstairs. Exercise is my natural mood lifter and I cant even do that in the two week wait for fear of impacting implantation.
I really thought that I would have the determination and strength and courage to keep going until we had a live baby in our arms, but I'm really starting to question that now.
I had some acupuncture this morning before my transfer and I tried to use some visualisation techniques, imagine our life with a baby and it growing up through life. I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon so hopefully it helps relax me a bit more.
I just don't need all of this stress on my shoulders. The schock of my brother having another child, juxtaposed against our situation really hurts.
Friday, 28 November 2008
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
what now...
I may be reading too much into this (please tell me if I am) but does this sound like my brothers 20 year old girlfriend (sorry FIANCE according to facebook!) is pregnant with her FOURTH CHILD!
"i love that christmas is family time, that our kids always see the magic of christmas when you make it speacial for them & the fact that you think your getting away with picking another baby name. huh!"
I hope this is just some stupid throwaway line because I am not going through this again.
"i love that christmas is family time, that our kids always see the magic of christmas when you make it speacial for them & the fact that you think your getting away with picking another baby name. huh!"
I hope this is just some stupid throwaway line because I am not going through this again.
Friday, 21 November 2008
Facebook crazed
So I have succumbed to the facebook craze. I resisted for a looooong time, but I gave in and I am so totally hooked! I am up to about 70 friends I think, mainly workmates, family and some old high school friends who I havent seen for years. I've even found kids that I went to primary school with which is a complete spin out. What I think is even more amazing than the people who you find, is the connections between people - the 'mutual friends' function.
People that go to my gym know people that I work with, while a kid that I was in Year 7 with 600km away is friends with a close girlfriend of mine. It just proves what a small world this really is.
Had my BT and scan today at the clinic, endo lining is 9.3mm which is fine, so I will start taking pessaries tomorrow. They have been upped to 3 a day and apparently, unless I can find somewhere to lie down for 20 minutes during my lunch break, I need to do them rectally!!! I am completely grossed out, Im sure many people do it but just not me! Gah - something that I will need to gear myself up for I guess.
Transfer is booked for next Friday and Murray is going to try and take the day off work so he can come along, considering it is our last attempt for the immediate future. My doctor will be Dr Mike Aitken who was going to do my transfer on my fresh IVF cycle, he seemed nice enough, so at least it is not a stranger doing the transfer. I also was given some new consent forms to sign, in addition to one which listed the dangers of doing a double transfer. Seriously, do they think I'm stupid or something??? I'm trying to fit as much exercise as I can between now and Friday, because after that I am going to be taking it super easy. God, I just want this baby to stick!
Anyway, its a Friday night so I am off to snuggle with my husband, but if you feel the urge to facebook with me - the email address is murraynbec@optusnet.com.au - but make sure you include a message to say who you are - one of my favourite things I have done of late is to ignore those annoying people from school that you would quite gladly never speak to again!
People that go to my gym know people that I work with, while a kid that I was in Year 7 with 600km away is friends with a close girlfriend of mine. It just proves what a small world this really is.
Had my BT and scan today at the clinic, endo lining is 9.3mm which is fine, so I will start taking pessaries tomorrow. They have been upped to 3 a day and apparently, unless I can find somewhere to lie down for 20 minutes during my lunch break, I need to do them rectally!!! I am completely grossed out, Im sure many people do it but just not me! Gah - something that I will need to gear myself up for I guess.
Transfer is booked for next Friday and Murray is going to try and take the day off work so he can come along, considering it is our last attempt for the immediate future. My doctor will be Dr Mike Aitken who was going to do my transfer on my fresh IVF cycle, he seemed nice enough, so at least it is not a stranger doing the transfer. I also was given some new consent forms to sign, in addition to one which listed the dangers of doing a double transfer. Seriously, do they think I'm stupid or something??? I'm trying to fit as much exercise as I can between now and Friday, because after that I am going to be taking it super easy. God, I just want this baby to stick!
Anyway, its a Friday night so I am off to snuggle with my husband, but if you feel the urge to facebook with me - the email address is murraynbec@optusnet.com.au - but make sure you include a message to say who you are - one of my favourite things I have done of late is to ignore those annoying people from school that you would quite gladly never speak to again!
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Our Story
Murray and I were married in November 2005 and decided to wait six months before we started trying for a baby. I was so immensely clucky at the time, and although Murray had a few reservations about trying to conceive so early in our marriage, he was happy for us to see what happened. I had my contraceptive implant removed in June 2006 and that was the beginning of what we now know to be a long journey!
Unfortunately my cycles were all over the place, and by January 2007 I knew that something wasn't quite right with my body. I saw my GP who ran some tests, which found that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My cycles were all over the place, I had insulin resistance, was obese and had the textbook 'string of pearls' on my ovaries. A quick semen analysis also confirmed that Murray had very low sperm motility - around 3 to 5 percent, when the normal parameters are over 60%
With all of that information, we were referred to a fertility specialist, Doreen Yeap, at Fertility Specialists WA, a relatively new clinic in Perth. Doreen recommended that we use IVF to try and get pregnant but there was something I needed to do first. I weighed over 120kg at the time and I needed to get my BMI below 35 before the clinic was willing to treat me. That meant I had to put a huge effort into exercising and eating right, and doing everything within my power to get the weight off. I managed to lose 12 kilos in three months, and so we started our IVF journey.
Our first cycle was a disaster - I started on a really low FSH dose and understimulated, leading to the cycle being cancelled. It was so overwhelmingly devastating to do all of the injections, get it into your head that this will get you pregnant, only to have it cancelled on you.
We then moved onto an 'innovative' or experimental treatment called In Vitro Maturation where your ovaries aren't stimulated as much to avoid OHSS. Our first cycle was unsuccesful, and our second IVM cycle resulted in no embryos making it to blastocyst stage.
We then headed back to traditional IVF, but I ended up with severe ovarian hyperstimulation and in hospital for three nights. As a result all of our embryos were frozen for later use. We did four seperate frozen embryo transfers with two negative results, one bio-chemical pregnancy and then - BINGO! A positive result - we were pregnant!!! The moment we had been waiting for had arrived and we were thrilled. But from the beginning the beta results were low and at our first obstretician appointment, the baby had no heartbeat. Our little Vanilla wasn't going to come into this world and I had a D&C.
After a break we tried IVF again only to have no embryos make it to blastocyst once again. We decided to try one last attempt at IVF, and this time transferred two embryos on Day 3 to make sure that we didn't lose them all before blastocyst stage. Unfortunately this was also a negative result.
Murray had a SCSA test done before our last IVF attempt which came back with more devastating news. Not only was Murray's sperm motility worse (Zero percent motility), but there was also significant DNA fragmentation and damage - 35% - which meant that our likelihood of falling pregnant using Murray's DNA was highly unlikely.
We have decided as a couple that we can raise children aren't necessarily biologically our own, and whether that means using donor sperm or following the adoption path, our mutual desire to be parents outweighs any need for a genetic connection.
We were on the waiting list from January 2010 and in April we received the call that we were at the top of the list! We chose our sperm donor to continue down the IVF path and began cycle #11 at Concept. Unfortunately my hormone levels rose too high too fast and we had to cancel the cycle before my egg collection. Another attempt at IVF resulted in my hormone levels once again went crazy and the cycle was cancelled.
In February 2011, I underwent Ovarian Drilling to help regulate my cycles and hopefully stop my hormones from going crazy during IVF cycles. We were also approached by a work mate who offered to be our donor for our next IVF cycle.
We finally got to egg collection in the second half of 2011, but although the eggs fertilised, they didn't divide, leaving us with no embryos to transfer. We tried two rounds of donor IUI at the end of 2011 just to throw something different in the mix, but both were unsuccessful.Then we tried a couple of donor embryo cycles which were also unsuccessful.
We also applied to adopt locally in Western Australia, however we were dealt a huge blow, as they there is a BMI limit for prospective adoptive parents and I was over that weight limit. At that stage we were rejected from proceeding further with the process.
I had gastric sleeve surgery in September 2012 and lost over 50kg which was the start of changing my life. We re-applied for adoption and were approved for local adoption in WA in November 2013, and re-approved at the two year mark in November 2015.
Unfortunately the weight-loss hasn't helped us to fall pregnant, but we finally became eligible for fully-funded IVF through the public health system, which we did in November 2016 and May 2016, both unsuccessful, which ended our chances of falling pregnant.
Then we got the call. The call that said we had been chosen to parent through adoption. Our whole world changed in that moment, and now we have our little boy J.
Unfortunately my cycles were all over the place, and by January 2007 I knew that something wasn't quite right with my body. I saw my GP who ran some tests, which found that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My cycles were all over the place, I had insulin resistance, was obese and had the textbook 'string of pearls' on my ovaries. A quick semen analysis also confirmed that Murray had very low sperm motility - around 3 to 5 percent, when the normal parameters are over 60%
With all of that information, we were referred to a fertility specialist, Doreen Yeap, at Fertility Specialists WA, a relatively new clinic in Perth. Doreen recommended that we use IVF to try and get pregnant but there was something I needed to do first. I weighed over 120kg at the time and I needed to get my BMI below 35 before the clinic was willing to treat me. That meant I had to put a huge effort into exercising and eating right, and doing everything within my power to get the weight off. I managed to lose 12 kilos in three months, and so we started our IVF journey.
Our first cycle was a disaster - I started on a really low FSH dose and understimulated, leading to the cycle being cancelled. It was so overwhelmingly devastating to do all of the injections, get it into your head that this will get you pregnant, only to have it cancelled on you.
We then moved onto an 'innovative' or experimental treatment called In Vitro Maturation where your ovaries aren't stimulated as much to avoid OHSS. Our first cycle was unsuccesful, and our second IVM cycle resulted in no embryos making it to blastocyst stage.
We then headed back to traditional IVF, but I ended up with severe ovarian hyperstimulation and in hospital for three nights. As a result all of our embryos were frozen for later use. We did four seperate frozen embryo transfers with two negative results, one bio-chemical pregnancy and then - BINGO! A positive result - we were pregnant!!! The moment we had been waiting for had arrived and we were thrilled. But from the beginning the beta results were low and at our first obstretician appointment, the baby had no heartbeat. Our little Vanilla wasn't going to come into this world and I had a D&C.
After a break we tried IVF again only to have no embryos make it to blastocyst once again. We decided to try one last attempt at IVF, and this time transferred two embryos on Day 3 to make sure that we didn't lose them all before blastocyst stage. Unfortunately this was also a negative result.
Murray had a SCSA test done before our last IVF attempt which came back with more devastating news. Not only was Murray's sperm motility worse (Zero percent motility), but there was also significant DNA fragmentation and damage - 35% - which meant that our likelihood of falling pregnant using Murray's DNA was highly unlikely.
We have decided as a couple that we can raise children aren't necessarily biologically our own, and whether that means using donor sperm or following the adoption path, our mutual desire to be parents outweighs any need for a genetic connection.
We were on the waiting list from January 2010 and in April we received the call that we were at the top of the list! We chose our sperm donor to continue down the IVF path and began cycle #11 at Concept. Unfortunately my hormone levels rose too high too fast and we had to cancel the cycle before my egg collection. Another attempt at IVF resulted in my hormone levels once again went crazy and the cycle was cancelled.
In February 2011, I underwent Ovarian Drilling to help regulate my cycles and hopefully stop my hormones from going crazy during IVF cycles. We were also approached by a work mate who offered to be our donor for our next IVF cycle.
We finally got to egg collection in the second half of 2011, but although the eggs fertilised, they didn't divide, leaving us with no embryos to transfer. We tried two rounds of donor IUI at the end of 2011 just to throw something different in the mix, but both were unsuccessful.Then we tried a couple of donor embryo cycles which were also unsuccessful.
We also applied to adopt locally in Western Australia, however we were dealt a huge blow, as they there is a BMI limit for prospective adoptive parents and I was over that weight limit. At that stage we were rejected from proceeding further with the process.
I had gastric sleeve surgery in September 2012 and lost over 50kg which was the start of changing my life. We re-applied for adoption and were approved for local adoption in WA in November 2013, and re-approved at the two year mark in November 2015.
Unfortunately the weight-loss hasn't helped us to fall pregnant, but we finally became eligible for fully-funded IVF through the public health system, which we did in November 2016 and May 2016, both unsuccessful, which ended our chances of falling pregnant.
Then we got the call. The call that said we had been chosen to parent through adoption. Our whole world changed in that moment, and now we have our little boy J.
Contact Me
I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to email me at murraynbec@gmail.com or find me on twitter at @fakedelight
About Me
Hi, My name is Rebecca and I am 30 years old. In November 2005, I married my husband Murray. I mention that first because my marriage is the most important thing in my life - Murray and I dote on each other and have been through a lot in our thirteen years together.
We live in Perth, Western Australia with our dog Charlie. We love cuddling up in bed with him and heading to the dog park to play with other furry friends.
We love to travel. So far we have managed to get to Asia (Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Singapore) as well as Fiji, with lots of trips around Australia too. We were very lucky to go to Europe in 2011 and again in 2014, visiting France, Germany, England and Holland. Our Netherlands trip was very special to me as I got to learn more about my Dutch heritage.
My life goal, besides having a happy marriage, is to be a mother. This blog is about our journey to becoming parents. After 10 year of IVF, we were blessed to be placed with a beautiful boy through local adoption. J has changed our world completely.
My blog is my place where I get to let out all of my emotions, express how I am feeling at that particular moment in time. Sometimes I ask for advice, sometimes I am the educator, but for the most part, it is just me, opening my heart to what is going on in my life.
Saturday, 15 November 2008
How to announce your pregnancy to an infertile
Back in June, one of my close work friends took me and another girlfriend out for lunch. As we waited for our meal to arrive, she announced that she was pregnant. I love the girl to death, but it was one of the hardest meals I've ever had to eat. Also the fact that she had told the other friend a couple of days before me, so the whole performance really was about what my reaction would be. Of course I smiled and declared it to be a wonderful event etc etc but inside a little piece of me died.
One of the questions that I have been asked by people in the past is, how do you tell somebody who is struggling to have a child, without hurting them, that you are pregnant. The real answer? You can't. But you can try and make it as pain free as possible by choosing the time and place of your announcement with care.
Tip # 1
Don't wait until you are twenty weeks to tell your friend. You may feel the urge to hide the news from your friend with the notion that you are protecting her, but this can make it even worse. The best thing to do is tell her at the earliest you feel comfortable sharing. Be mindful though that your friend may have just had a failed IVF cycle or miscarraige, so try and suss out her situation as well.
Tip #2
Following on from tip number one, don't tell all of your other mutual friends before her, this will make her feel even more isolated and alone. Try and announce your pregnancy to your circle of friends at around the same time.
Tip #3
Do it in private. Or over the phone. Or even by email. Allow your friend the breathing space to adjust to the news. Make sure your announcement is short, sweet and genuine. Like I said earlier, having to hold back tears for an hour over lunch is not the right way to do it.
Tip #4
Sensitivity is key here, you might be bursting at the seams with your news, but try and save the conception and baby talk for other friends. Unless she acts you for specifics, don't get into the nitty gritty details on when your period was late, what baby clothes you have bought or the first doctors appointment.
Tip #5
Lastly, there is no need to apologise for falling pregnant. We know you didn't do it just to spite us (well we hope not!) We know that it is a wonderful thing that you are having a child. But it is still painful, so let us respond in our own way and let us reach out to you when we are ready.
Since I have been TTC, I have been through 16 pregnancy announcements in real life, not counting the numerous internet friends who have been lucky enough to fall. I am happy for each and every one of these people, and hope that they realise the blessing that has come upon them.
One of the questions that I have been asked by people in the past is, how do you tell somebody who is struggling to have a child, without hurting them, that you are pregnant. The real answer? You can't. But you can try and make it as pain free as possible by choosing the time and place of your announcement with care.
Tip # 1
Don't wait until you are twenty weeks to tell your friend. You may feel the urge to hide the news from your friend with the notion that you are protecting her, but this can make it even worse. The best thing to do is tell her at the earliest you feel comfortable sharing. Be mindful though that your friend may have just had a failed IVF cycle or miscarraige, so try and suss out her situation as well.
Tip #2
Following on from tip number one, don't tell all of your other mutual friends before her, this will make her feel even more isolated and alone. Try and announce your pregnancy to your circle of friends at around the same time.
Tip #3
Do it in private. Or over the phone. Or even by email. Allow your friend the breathing space to adjust to the news. Make sure your announcement is short, sweet and genuine. Like I said earlier, having to hold back tears for an hour over lunch is not the right way to do it.
Tip #4
Sensitivity is key here, you might be bursting at the seams with your news, but try and save the conception and baby talk for other friends. Unless she acts you for specifics, don't get into the nitty gritty details on when your period was late, what baby clothes you have bought or the first doctors appointment.
Tip #5
Lastly, there is no need to apologise for falling pregnant. We know you didn't do it just to spite us (well we hope not!) We know that it is a wonderful thing that you are having a child. But it is still painful, so let us respond in our own way and let us reach out to you when we are ready.
Since I have been TTC, I have been through 16 pregnancy announcements in real life, not counting the numerous internet friends who have been lucky enough to fall. I am happy for each and every one of these people, and hope that they realise the blessing that has come upon them.
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Reminiscing
Today is exactly three years since Murray and I were married.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I walked down the aisle of the church and we said those vows to each other. So much has happened between now and then, and I can honestly say that we grow to love each other more every day.
Happy anniversary babe.
Friday, 7 November 2008
Definitely over
Blood test results are in and I'm definitely not pregnant. No big surprise there but I am still really upset. Not so much that this cycle is over. That might sound strange but I am strong enough to be able to keep going I think. What I am scared of is that we only have one hand left to play. Two frozen blastocysts, which we will use both next cycle. After that... I just don't know. We can't afford to do another full cycle of IVF, we can barely afford to do this next cycle on our credit card, but we are going to push our luck and split it over the last credit remaining on both Murrays and my cards. So this is our last chance, at least for the forseeable future. That scares the crap out of me, that we may not get to be parents.
I spoke to a lady at the department for child protection during the week who sent me a pack on adoption in Western Australia. I want to allow myself to think of alternatives, so I don't feel so hopeless about the situation, but it hasn't really helped. Adoption is such a long winded process, it's more expensive than IVF, the whole process takes between three and five years, and that's IF you are lucky enough to be matched to a child. And that doesn't even take into consideration the special needs of an adopted child, the seperation and anxiety. The special nature of it all. Am I capable of dealing with that? Would I make a good adoptive mother? I don't have a clue. I think I could be a great biological mother - am I hung up on adoption? I don't think so but I really don't know. I just don't want to be backed into a corner where I have no choices, which is where I feel I am at the moment.
I spoke to a lady at the department for child protection during the week who sent me a pack on adoption in Western Australia. I want to allow myself to think of alternatives, so I don't feel so hopeless about the situation, but it hasn't really helped. Adoption is such a long winded process, it's more expensive than IVF, the whole process takes between three and five years, and that's IF you are lucky enough to be matched to a child. And that doesn't even take into consideration the special needs of an adopted child, the seperation and anxiety. The special nature of it all. Am I capable of dealing with that? Would I make a good adoptive mother? I don't have a clue. I think I could be a great biological mother - am I hung up on adoption? I don't think so but I really don't know. I just don't want to be backed into a corner where I have no choices, which is where I feel I am at the moment.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
BFN
What a surprise, at 9dp5dt, it's a BFN.
I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different, but you know, you still hope.
Blood test is on Monday and then I guess we start again.
Two frozen blastocysts left. The clinic says that we now meet the criteria for a double embryo transfer, so we will transfer the last of our two frosties next cycle. Can't believe it has come to this.
Edited to add - MORE BAD NEWS.
Murray didn't get the Singapore job. For all my fears and whinging, I am bitterly disappointed. Poor Murray, getting hit with both crap news on the same day. It came through on my email so I have to tell him. God this will be hard.
I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different, but you know, you still hope.
Blood test is on Monday and then I guess we start again.
Two frozen blastocysts left. The clinic says that we now meet the criteria for a double embryo transfer, so we will transfer the last of our two frosties next cycle. Can't believe it has come to this.
Edited to add - MORE BAD NEWS.
Murray didn't get the Singapore job. For all my fears and whinging, I am bitterly disappointed. Poor Murray, getting hit with both crap news on the same day. It came through on my email so I have to tell him. God this will be hard.
Sunday, 2 November 2008
No testing!
I managed one day without testing. It kind of helped that there were no pg tests in the house! I only POAS first thing in the morning so that means Im not testing tomorrow either. Maybe Tuesday? Actually I have the day off on Wednesday so I will try and hold out until then, just so I can have the day to get my head around the result.
I am already starting to gear myself up towards a negative result after the test I did yesterday. Murray was really disappointed that I tested, but I just want to know already.
We should find out this week about the job Murray went for in Singapore. I am still undecided about it all but Murray is excited about it and would be there tomorrow if he could. This decision is huge for me. The main issues for me are the baby stuff and financial.
If I am pregnant...
*Then I would stay in Australia and live apart from Murray for several months of 2009, living with Murray's parents (cheap and easy option). This way I will get access to six months maternity leave at half-pay plus long service plus time off from work without losing my job if I wanted to go back. Unlikely to be able to get a job in Singapore while pregnant and would receive no maternity benefits = no leave.
*I want to give birth in Perth with family around, but this means that Murray might possibly miss the birth. I want to be able to birth my way and Im not sure I would be comfortable giving birth in Singapore. Also it would cost us a decent out-of-pocket amount to give birth in Singapore, whereas if I give birth in Australia, I get a $5000 tax free baby bonus.
*I would be spending at least the first year or two of our childs life in a country with no family. They will do short visits as flights are relatively cheap. As I am high risk for post-natal depression, I think I really need to have people around me that can help me out, people that I can trust.
*I wouldnt have to work for around 12 months while we are in Singapore, but then would have to look at some part time work - child care options for child???
*
If I'm not pregnant...
*I have to get a job in a foreign country when I have no university degree, don't know the area very well, and in a global economic crisis. Being an asian country, working conditions are different as well - very cheap local wages (which i would be employed under) and long working hours.
*I would need to bring in a certain amount of money each month to keep us going, no way we could survive without my wage
* My job here, even though I have absolutely hated it in parts, I have also made good friends, earn good money and mostly enjoy the actual work that I do (just not the management sometimes). I would hate to lose that and the benefits that I have (ie maternity leave, long service leave, flexi-time, organisation knowledge). Here I am a valued and knowledgable member of the team.
*Would have to put on hold ivf for a year or two once in Singapore due to (a) expensive ivf/saving efforts/travel back and forth. and (b) non-resident in australia so no medicare funding for ivf there during this time. Not sure if I could handle this.
*But at the same time if we decide to go down the adoption path back at home, we both have to be over 25 to start the application process in Perth, so a couple of years away could use up some of this time
*I want to try again ASAP! and do another double FET cycle in November/December but that pushes out me living apart from Murray for a longer period of time
These are just some of the thoughts bouncing around in my brain at the moment. Hopefully if Murray receives a job offer, it will help make things a bit clearer about what our situation would be in Singapore, and clarify in my mind whether or not I am ready to take that step.
I am already starting to gear myself up towards a negative result after the test I did yesterday. Murray was really disappointed that I tested, but I just want to know already.
We should find out this week about the job Murray went for in Singapore. I am still undecided about it all but Murray is excited about it and would be there tomorrow if he could. This decision is huge for me. The main issues for me are the baby stuff and financial.
If I am pregnant...
*Then I would stay in Australia and live apart from Murray for several months of 2009, living with Murray's parents (cheap and easy option). This way I will get access to six months maternity leave at half-pay plus long service plus time off from work without losing my job if I wanted to go back. Unlikely to be able to get a job in Singapore while pregnant and would receive no maternity benefits = no leave.
*I want to give birth in Perth with family around, but this means that Murray might possibly miss the birth. I want to be able to birth my way and Im not sure I would be comfortable giving birth in Singapore. Also it would cost us a decent out-of-pocket amount to give birth in Singapore, whereas if I give birth in Australia, I get a $5000 tax free baby bonus.
*I would be spending at least the first year or two of our childs life in a country with no family. They will do short visits as flights are relatively cheap. As I am high risk for post-natal depression, I think I really need to have people around me that can help me out, people that I can trust.
*I wouldnt have to work for around 12 months while we are in Singapore, but then would have to look at some part time work - child care options for child???
*
If I'm not pregnant...
*I have to get a job in a foreign country when I have no university degree, don't know the area very well, and in a global economic crisis. Being an asian country, working conditions are different as well - very cheap local wages (which i would be employed under) and long working hours.
*I would need to bring in a certain amount of money each month to keep us going, no way we could survive without my wage
* My job here, even though I have absolutely hated it in parts, I have also made good friends, earn good money and mostly enjoy the actual work that I do (just not the management sometimes). I would hate to lose that and the benefits that I have (ie maternity leave, long service leave, flexi-time, organisation knowledge). Here I am a valued and knowledgable member of the team.
*Would have to put on hold ivf for a year or two once in Singapore due to (a) expensive ivf/saving efforts/travel back and forth. and (b) non-resident in australia so no medicare funding for ivf there during this time. Not sure if I could handle this.
*But at the same time if we decide to go down the adoption path back at home, we both have to be over 25 to start the application process in Perth, so a couple of years away could use up some of this time
*I want to try again ASAP! and do another double FET cycle in November/December but that pushes out me living apart from Murray for a longer period of time
These are just some of the thoughts bouncing around in my brain at the moment. Hopefully if Murray receives a job offer, it will help make things a bit clearer about what our situation would be in Singapore, and clarify in my mind whether or not I am ready to take that step.
Saturday, 1 November 2008
Doing my head in
I did a test today, I know, I caved.
BFN at 5dp5dt.
Grrrr.
Just did a search on Fertility Friend though and came across this link which says that only 10% of pregnancies show up on tests at 10po. That makes me feel a bit better I guess, but I'm starting to get the feeling that this might not ever happen.
I'm out of pg tests now anyway so I guess I have to hold out a bit longer... until I get the chance to visit the chemist!
BFN at 5dp5dt.
Grrrr.
Just did a search on Fertility Friend though and came across this link which says that only 10% of pregnancies show up on tests at 10po. That makes me feel a bit better I guess, but I'm starting to get the feeling that this might not ever happen.
I'm out of pg tests now anyway so I guess I have to hold out a bit longer... until I get the chance to visit the chemist!
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