A day of remembrance

Tomorrow is the day my baby Vanilla was due to be born.

I miss her so much. It hurts.

Chaos - And other news

In other news, it was a shitty Christmas for Murray and I, in more ways than one! We managed to get gastro on Christmas Eve and spent all Christmas Day and part of Boxing Day vomiting and taking turns using the only bucket in our house - now that is a picture of wedded bliss! We are just starting to feel normal again today, our neighbours have had the bug as well as a few other people in the area - not nice at all. It also meant we slept on our couch all day and didn't go to either families christmas breakfast/lunch which was quite sad. Christmas is my favourite time of the year and I feel like it has completely missed me by now. I was very spoilt by Murray though. In addition to my fantastic new bike, I got given Chanel Coco Mademoiselle Eau de Parfum which is equisite - my first item of Chanel!


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What else is going on.... my youngest brother (the good one!) is moving over 4000km away to live in Brisbane next week. He is in the Australian Army and has been based at Swanbourne Barracks in the SAS for the last 18 months, but now has been posted to a Brisbane unit. I am really happy and excited for him but also sad that I wont get to see him very much. He turns 20 in January and I realise he isn't a kid anymore, but he is and always will be my baby brother. I guess after all the drama with my other brother, it makes me appreciate Daniel even more and how he goofs off and can always make me smile. I am very nervous that he may be posted overseas when he is in Brisbane. I have caught pieces of conversation about a possible posting to Afghanistan in March which scares the crap out of me. But that is what he trains for so... far too much to think about anyway, and there is no point worrying about something that might not happen - especially when I have so much other stuff going on in my life!


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Fertility Specialist appointment on Jan 4 - Freaking Out. Nuff said.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas. Enjoy spending time with each other today, whether it be in person, on the phone or in your hearts. Spread the love around.

Love you all

Bec xxx

Helping my brother

Censored

Bleh

Alicia is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. She has now broken up with the new boyrfriend because he found out that it might not be his (he obviously didn't know she had been sleeping with Mitch). I am angry at her and the situation she has gotten herself (and all of us) into. You have four children in foster care who have been taken off of you - how unfair is it to them for you to go and bring another child into this world who you can not provide and care for? But now she is saying she will have an abortion, which breaks my heart again. Why put yourself in the position where you need an abortion. You are 21 and have four children - you know how babies are made!

Oh. My. God.

censored

My Christmas Present from Murray

I've decided that I need to get back into my fit and healthy lifestyle - I am now 10kg heavier than I was in July 2008 which sucks balls. Big time. Most of that weight I have put on this year since the miscarriage. I know I have every excuse under the sun for why I have put it on, but that doesn't make the weight go away. Stupid time of year to start trying to get healthy again but it's worth a shot. I don't want to come out of the christmas season even bigger than what I am now.

So my Christmas present from Murray this year is...

A new bike! I haven't owned a bike since I was a kid, I even had to borrow one for my triathlon earlier in the year, so I decided to get my act together and get myself sorted! A new bike store opened up a couple of weeks ago in our area so we decided to check it out - and we picked out this baby for me! I also got a new helmet, lock and lights and am getting the lights and a drink bottle holder installed. I get to pick it up in about a weeks time which is very exciting! My gym is about 2km from my house, which I find too far to walk to there and back after doing a hard workout, but the perfect distance for a quick ride which will be my new goal.

So my health plan is to get myself in shape so I can go in the same ladies triathlon that I did this year - and try and beat my score! I will still stick to the mini-version, but I definitely want to go a lot faster than what I did before, fingers crossed.

I'm not going to deprive myself over christmas, but I am committed to making good choices with my food and drink over the festive period.

Not long til Christmas now...!

Things just keep getting better...

Murray got offered a job!!! He is going to be a year 11/12 teacher at the Australian Technical College, teaching kids doing their apprenticeships in English! He will be teaching at two campuses and part of his role will also involve him going around to the students workplaces to check on their progress for their apprenticeships. It will definitely be a change from the normal school environment, but we are both super excited about this as it will give him a lot more responsibility and a change in environment. It will also be a predominantely male group which hopefully will create a friendlier environment.

So things are really starting to look up for us!!!

Holiday Itinerary is booked!

I am super excited - we booked all of our accomodation for our holiday last night!

We are staying at the Traders Hotel in Kuala Lumpur...

...the Berjaya Resort in Langkawi...

 

...and the Scarlet Hotel in Singapore!

 

 

yayayayay!

Murray and I decided to go all out and have booked another holiday! We are off to Kuala Lumpur for three nights, Langkawi for five nights and Singapore for two nights! We are pretty broke right now but some crazy cheap flights came up that we couldn't say no to - we got all of our flights for well under $1000 (gotta love that the dollar hs picked up!) and accomodation will be super cheap as well. We are going in the July school holidays, so still a while away yet, but something really nice to look forward to if everything (adoption/ivf) goes to shit.

Oh and in other fantastic news - Murray had a job interview today, and two more schools have called him for job interviews, one is tomorrow, the other is Monday. One of them is a VERY exclusive school in Perth - and it comes with a lot of perks so fingers crossed he just gets offered a job already!

Super quick post

to say that I got my period today. Feeling crappy but okay. Thinking that anonymous donor sperm might be the way to go - I get the feeling that our friend S is avoiding us - maybe he realises what we want to ask him...

I don't know, but I don't want to spoil the friendship or upset them so I might just leave it. I don't know... will see what develops.

6 weeks until we meet our new doctor... faxed off our referral and letter from our Dr Aitken to the clinic so that is all sorted.

six weeks..... such a long time...

Same same

To be honest there really isn't much to talk about at the moment. Our Christmas tree is up, presents are all wrapped underneath - for 2 people, we sure buy a lot of presents for people!

Am looking forward to Christmas, although every month that progresses, I have this awful knowing feeling that my sister-in-law will make an announcement. They have been married for just over a year and have wanted to start for a while but I think they were waiting for us to fall pregnant first. I think they have given up on that idea and have started trying. Considering they have been pregnant before (6 weeks after they got together- miscarriage at 11 weeks), we are pretty sure it wont take them long to fall. I just pray that they don't announce it at a public gathering because I will leave. I am trying to mentally prepare for it in advance, but in the end it is still going to hurt.

I know it is awful, but I don't want them to get pregnant before us. No I dont wish them infertility, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I just want us to have our baby. I know it's not a competition, and our children will be loved equally etc etc but this was something special for us. I don't know, I know I can't justify my feelings and that I shouldn't try, I realise it is irrational, but we have been on this path for nearly four years. God damn it - I want to have the first grandchild and great-grandchild in the family - at least give me that!

I've been going to church each week for around a year now, and I am going to join in with singing Christmas Carols as part of the music team on stage on Christmas Eve. I'm not a great (or good) singer -just average, but it something I love so much and wanted to be a part of.

First week of work went well - a slight hiccup about my boss - he had a go at me over something when I did nothing wrong AT ALL, just him being hypersensitive about me setting meetings up with him - something about "He's the boss and will tell me when he wants to speak with him" - very strange! Other than that he seems okay, the group is very different to how I had imagined, but that's what you get when you leave head office I guess!

Anyway, I am off to see my beloved Perth Wildcats play tonight - fingers crossed we get the win. On top of the ladder at the moment! Go Cats!

Good work

First day on the job is over and it went great! I already feel pretty comfortable in the new location, however I don't think I quite realised how many tasks I will actually be doing in my job! But I am taking it easy and will slowly work my way into it.

I have already put my annual leave in for Christmas, am taking two weeks off from Dec 23 to Jan 6 which will be nice to unwind a bit.

Not much else to update right now, just trying to get through the week and learn as much as possible!

New job tomorrow

I'm so nervous but very excited to be starting my new job tomorrow! I'm looking forward to meeting new people and learning about all the stuff I'm going to be doing. Oh and not worrying about having to find parking and $11 of change for the parking meter each morning!

On a slightly more sedate note, it looks like we are going to get a personal loan to consolidate all of our credit card debt. We tend to live beyond our means, especially with the pressures of IVF, and we have decided to really knuckle down for the next six months to try and get our finances back in some kind of order. Realistically it's a three year plan to get back to scratch but we are okay with that. Having a baby is incredibly important to us, and I'm not getting to let something as silly as money stop us from achieving our dreams.

In saying that, I am loving the freedom of not cycling right now. I had to go onto my FF today to work out where I was in my cycle because I had completely forgotten! (CD 21 for those playing at home).

Some shoutouts to my beautiful bloggy friends who have kept me sane this last six months of hellishness
Sarah is incredible -the best advice - thank you for sticking by me in the tough stuff. One Who Understands is an awesome friend, and going through a lot of the similar stuff, trying to decide between diui and that elusive 'one more try'. Sending you my love honey.  Beautiful Mess is doing fab at school - you go girl! Jen is just awesome. Not much more I can say than that! Not long until Nichole comes off of her 'not trying break', Wishing I could do thanksgiving with you guys.Suzanne's little bubbas are 2 months old already - I can't believe it! Birds & Squirrels is 35 weeks and I am so happy for her. I am secretly disappointed in Ally for revealing she is a closet Twilight fan but I will forgive her because she is so damn cool :-)

And I know I have missed people but its quarter to twelve already and if you hadn't noticed - I have a new job tomorrow! So off to bed I will go :-)

A good day

I'm really starting to pull myself together. I think the main reason is that I have this awesome new job which I am starting on Monday. It's been so long since I have been excited about going to work (I have loved the last three months in Recruitment but it's not the same as having your own permanent role). I can't wait to be working every day doing something that is all mine!

Murray and I have been talking more and more about DI and its implications. I think we are both starting to get more comfortable with the idea. We haven't approached S yet, and I'm not sure if we will follow that path, but we know it is there which is enough.

We are booked in on 14 January for our assessment seminar for local adoption. I guess we will learn everything about how the assessment process works there - a bit nerve wracking but exciting at the same time!

I need a blog makeover

Anyone have a recommendation for someone who can make over my little blog?!

Happy Anniversary to us

This day four years ago I was getting ready for my wedding day. Today marks four years that Murray & I have been married and six years that we have been together. Life has thrown us some curveballs but soulmates get through that kind of stuff, and we have.

Happy Anniversary baby.

Sick

Am at home today, I've had the flu since Thursday but today I could't get out of bed, my head was pounding and I couldn't stop coughing. So here I am. I'm trying to motivate myself in between naps to get up and do a little bit of cleaning, so that we aren't living in such a dump. We haven't exactly been in the mood to keep a tidy house over the last two weeks, and as naturally messy people, well the house is not visitor-friendly right now. So my aim for the day is in between coughing fits, to get at least all of my clothes washing done and put away. Just small little goals to help get us through. Anyone know of a good cleaner in Perth?!

Murray came to me last night and asked me if I would be okay with him asking someone to be our sperm donor. He wants to ask a good friend of ours S, he was a groomsmen at our wedding and is a genuine lovely guy. He is adopted himself so understands our situiation. He is engaged and his fiance is pregnant with their child so it is a big decision for him. He knows all about what we have been through, and Murray and him have talked about the sperm donor issue and whats involved etc, but we have never asked him to do it for us. Murray has arranged to meet up with him for drinks later this week, as it is definitely a face-to-face conversation that is needed. I'm definitely comfortable with the idea of S being the donor, I guess my only concern is a selfish one, that we would then have to wait an additional 6 month waiting period, whereas with donor bank sperm we could start straight away next year.

(Im going to call him S, even though I usually always use names, because I don't feel it's right for me to invade his privacy on such a sensitive issue - so S it is until he says otherwise)

I would prefer a known donor though. One thing I have learnt through all of this adoption workshops is that a persons origins are very important and especially during the teenage years, people that dont know absolutely everything they need to know (extended family, do I act like my Dad, does my Dad like the same things I like), it can make a big difference to them. So having someone they can actually ask those questions to, can only be a good thing. Whether or not they want to do this though, is completely up to them, and I 100% understand if he declines.

My new job

OK, finally five minutes to sit down before I head off to church this morning.

I have worked in Occ Safety & Health the last four years but our branch was restructured, and lucky me, my job was one of the positions that was restructured out. Luckily my manager found me a three month acting role in Recruitment which has given me the opportunity to get some HR experience behind me. It has been great fun working in Recruitment, a lovely group of people who are all very genuine - a nice change from some of the people I have worked with previously!

Two positions came up which I applied for, one was in HR, the same level that I was on already, and it was for an eight month contract. The other one was a level higher (payrise), permanent (yay - have been on contract for over four years!) and located at a different site (free parking!)

I was offered the HR position first but they hadn't processed the applications for the other role by then, so I had to hold off accepting. Luckily enough I got an interview which was held on Wednesday, and was offered the job Thursday afternoon!

I am so excited about this role, it is the Systems Support Coordinator for the Perth Region, which means looking after all the corporate systems for our area, still doing a fair bit of OSH, some environment and auditing work, and business management systems - procedures, policies, work instructions and the like. I start in two weeks!!! Instead of being based in Leederville, I will be working in the Canning Vale office which is about 15 minutes from my house in the opposite direction. Free parking is going to be awesome considering we pay $11 a day to park at the moment, and they are refurbishing the offices I am going to so we will have a nice space to work in as well!

I do feel a bit nervous about it all - in theory I know I can do all of these things, and I have done them all before, but this is a different environment - what if I have overstated my abilities and can't do the job as well as I think I can? All that self-doubt has started to come out, but I am trying to remain strong.

So something has finally gone right for us - I guess it had to at some point! Unfortunately Murray still hasn't found a job for next year which is quite scary. He has had two interviews so far, one of them we were positive he would get but unfortunately he didn't. Praying very hard that we find something for him very soon.

Can my family get even crazier

Looks like my brother has knocked up another girl. Not Alicia but a different one, the girl who he was with when they broke up for six weeks. He says it's not his, the timing doesn't match, but he has a history of this... Of course I found out through facebook...

Not even allowing it to get into my head right now.

I went and visited my nieces and nephew today - I have missed them so much but for my own health I have had to keep my distance for fear of hurting myself further. It was Lulu & Jordans birthday last month so we had a mini party at the park with party hats and biscuits. I can't believe how much they have all grown up!

 

 

Big news

Something finally went right - I have a new job! Have to dash to work now but will update tonight.
Thank you Lord!

Adoption workshop 2 - Attachment & Seperation

I realise I didn't really debrief from our adoption workshop last Saturday. It was a lot to take in again, heaps of theory and information about seperation and attachment, but it also had a lot of practical suggestions for how to establish an attachment with an adopted child. There are so many challenges with creating this attachment, it is really quite overwhelming.

We have been given plenty of reading material which has been great, but also very challenging personally. I know that I can be a good adoptive parent, but my concern with adoption is about the child, and how they will respond when they are old enough to understand the concepts. If we go down this path, we would absolutely tell the child from the moment they are born that they are adopted, in an age appropriate way, so I don't intend on hiding anything from them. But everyone responds differently. What happens when they become teenagers and like all kids that age, tries to establish their identity. They will have gaps and not know everything they want to know about where they came from, who they get their characteristics from etc. We don't know how deeply this will affect the child. I can only hope and pray that they get out of it relatively unscathed.

We have decided at this point to only pursue local adoption, which is adoption just in Western Australia. There is very little local adoption (anywhere between 3 and 10 children adopted locally each year) and much more intercountry adoption in WA. ICA (intercountry adoption) is significantly more expensive and with having spent as much as we have on ivf, we dont have any more spare money to pursue it. Even if we did, everything we have learnt about attachment is that children who have spent time in orphanages (which is where most of these children come from), suffer great emotional stress which they can sometimes never recover from. In Australia, the children are always in foster care, not an orphanage which gives much better care and allows the child to form bonds with their caregiver.

I submitted our forms yesterday to the Department of Child Protection who faciliate adoption in WA. The forms were pretty basic - ticking that we had attended all of the compulsory workshops, what age child we wanted, date of birth etc info and a photo of the two of us. I forgot to bring a photo to work so had to take a holiday snap out of my frame at work to include - I hope that doesn't matter too much! So now we wait and see. The next stage is another seminar - this time on the assessment process and all the things we need to do there. I don't think there are any spots left in that until January so we will have some time with no ivf and no adoption over Christmas which will be good.

Love & Support needed for C

I'm devastated. C has a brain tumour. I've been following this blog for the last year or so and was thrilled when RM and K got pregnant and had their precious baby. And now something is wrong. Does it ever stop? Please send your love and prayers to the family right now. To triumph over infertility and then go through this... it's unimaginable.

In Denial

I keep buying baby things. I really don't know why. I have no reason to. I don't have a baby. I'm not pregnant. I'm not likely to be pregnant nor have a child in the near future. Yet I continue to purchase things to put away in the nursery. Not the spare room, or the junk room. The nursery. The fucking room that is painted green, with blue curtains, filled with our cot, change table, toddler bed and stuffed animals. Filled with sheets sets, nappy bags and baby massage oils. It sucks. Murray is not in a good frame of mind over everything, and I am so full of emotion, I don't know what exactly I'm feeling anymore. I can't go into that room anymore.

The song helping me through

Canton Jones - Nobody Cared

Getting by

Trying not to think about IVF and babies at the moment. No more fertility treatment until next year. Our appointment is booked for Jan 5 with our new clinic to discuss our options, but until then I don't want to know about it. I am submitting our adoption paperwork tomorrow, so that will be enough to think about as it is.

Not coping with being around kids or babies or pregnant women. It hurts too much.

Another door closes

My period arrived late last night.

I am sad for snug and buggles who wont be a part of our life. Upset that I won't ever bear my husbands biological child. Angry that so many others can. Confused about what to do next. Worried about where the money will come from. Happy that I still have my husband. Dissapointed in my body for not doing what it is meant to do. Tired of the comments from other people saying it will happen - if you know so much, then tell me how and when it will happen. Terrified that we might never have a child, through a donor or adoption. Unsure whether I would make a good adoptive parent. Lethargic from the drama.

I want it to be over

BFN

Just need to get through today :-(

'The Perm'

'The Perm'

Still getting used to my new hair, but I'm definitely on the liking it side. Not quite in love, but in like.

Am testing tomorrow morning. 99% dont think I am pregnant. But still have that 1% bitch of hope. I haven't tested since Monday (which I totally know was ridiculously stupid - but what can you do when a girl is given tests!). I just honestly don't feel any different whatsoever. No sore boobs or cramping. Going to the toilet often but I have been doing that even before the transfer, so probably more from my egg collection than anything.

Murray and I had a good talk tonight to prepare ourselves for the likelihood of a negative result and how we will cope. I am so scared for him. But he will be okay I think. He told me tonight that he didn't want to use his sperm anymore, no matter how hard it is to cope with the thought of not having a biological child, it would be harder to keep going and string his hopes along.

So I guess I will see in the morning with the result... please, please, please, please, please....

Being a good girl

No testing today, and I'm not going to test tomorrow either. Our first BFP came on 14dpo, and so I want to wait until then (Friday) so that I know for sure whether we are or aren't pregnant. I'm starting to feel quite anxious about the whole thing, and have been nervey all day.

Off to get my hair done now as a distraction. I'm going to try something completely different - will post a photo when its done!

No testing!

I managed to get through today without testing which I guess is a minor victory. I'm scared though. I don't feel pregnant. At all. I want to cry just saying that. I know it might still happen, but I don't think that it will. How am I going to cope if it doesn't work? How will Murray cope? I've come to terms with the idea of having twins and I want these babies so much. It's almost easier not to try, at least then I don't get my hopes up over everything.

testing

Oh I know I suck. 10dpEPU and negative result. I knew it would be but still - you know I had to do it. My neighbour Megan gave me a bundle of tests this afternoon, so now they are in the house. I am going to use as much willpower as I have and not test tomorrow, and wait until Wednesday FMU - at least then I am getting close to an accurate result.... gah!

9dpEPU

Can I test yet! I know I shouldn't, yet the urge is there. Luckily I don't have any tests in the house which means no testing just yet, but I just want to know already.

I started thinking last night about the whole donor issue, and I think part of my fear at least about going through the donor process, is having to go through IVF again. And then it clicked - maybe I don't have to? If I am healthy (bar my PCOS which is really just ovulation timing), and the donors sperm is good, well can't we do IUI? I know it has a lower success rate compared to IVF, but it is way less invasive and significantly cheaper for each attempt. I need to find out more details about success rates and whether it is a good fit for us, but it definitely makes me feel a little more confident about our options going forward if we dont get the result we want this time.

Off to church this morning, I feel I am being so selfish but all my prayers have been about our little babies, and asking God to please let them grow and stick.

Adoption workshop

Our first workshop is done - preparation for adoptive parenting. It was definitely an eye-opening experience! We had three guest speakers - an adoptee, a couple who adopted a little Ethiopian boy 2 years ago, and a birth mother who relinquished her child in 1981. Each story brought tears to my eyes - so many emotions in one room.

It was great to meet lots of new people who are looking to become parents or extend their family with an adopted child. Of the 17 people their were 7 married couples, one unmarried couple, and one single lady. Two of the couples already had children and were looking to adopt to finish their families, and the rest of us had fertility issues.

Lots of tears were shed, and a great deal of information was passed around in a very long day, It opened my eyes to a lot of things I hadnt really processed well, like how the birth mother must feel throughout the process, that even though for the adoptive parents it is a wonderful thing to be given a child to parent and love, for the child it must be the most terrifying thing ever to be handed over to people they dont know.

Lots of food for thought. I think I swung between hating the idead of adopting and being 100% sure I only wanted to adopt half a dozen times during the session! When I spoke to Murray when we left, he said he felt exactly the same! It's another rollercoaster all over again!

I have decided that I would like to try donor sperm at least once. When I sit down and think about adoption, I know that in the end I would be okay with it, but right here right now, the loss of not being pregnant, not giving birth, not breastfeeding my child, not waking up in the middle of the night to feed the baby - there is a huge feeling of loss and grief that I cant let go of. I could end up with 24 hour morning sickness, pre-eclampsia, a c-section delivery under general anaesthetic, and a colicky child and people will laugh at me and say I told you so. But I don't care. It is something that I desire, I want, and right now it feels like a need. Yes it is a need that is nowhere near as great as having the child itself. That trumps all. But it would still be a huge loss for me to lose that. It is what makes me a woman - my birth right.

Anyway, enough ramblings for one night. I was meant to see my neices and nephew tomorrow morning but apparently they have gastro so I guess I will need to arrange to see them another time.

4dp3dt = 7dpEPU
5 days until I can do a HPT
Going a bit nuts!

waiting and more waiting

Just waiting around at the moment - I hate this part of it all. The not knowing what is going on.
We have our first adoption work tomorrow - Adoption and attachment parenting - all about the special needs of parenting an adopted child.
It's one of three seminars we need to go to before we can be assessed to be adoptive parents.

I feel weird putting so much effort into the adoption stuff while still doing IVF, who knows - I could be pregnant right now! But I know that if I am not pregnant, I don’t want to fall to pieces, and starting the adoption process is a way for me to still feel like we are doing something positive.

None of the other embryos made it to blastocyst stage, so no spares in the freezer. Please God, please let me be pregnant.

Snug & Buggles

Our two little babies are currently residing in my uterus, hopefully for the next nine months! Snug and Buggles were both grade 1 embryos, one was six cells, the other was nine cells. We also have another embryo that is at 6 cells and the clinic is going to try and grow it to blast to freeze as a backup.

So now I just need to keep going with life, I'm on crinone once daily and that's it for the moment. Beta will be on Monday 2 November so will try and hold out until next Wednesday before I test. Even if this cycle doesn't work, I am just grateful that we made it to transfer, to give our little embryos the best shot at this.

Is donor sperm for us>???

The more I think about it (and the more DI books I read), the less I want to go down the donor sperm path. I honestly believe that a mother and father are not by genetics but by who brings you up, as proven by my relationship with my father.

The problem is that every book I read is about how hard donor IVF/IUI is. I have no problem with telling our child they were conceived with donor sperm. None whatsoever. But do you then have to disclose to every Tom, Dick & Harry off the street when they comment on how much alike the child is to its father?

I also don't want to Murray to feel like this isn't just as much his child as it is mine. We have talked about it and he says he wont, but once again, everything I have read says that the man secretly is thinking that.

In saying all of that, I wont do another cycle with Murrays sperm once we have finished this one. You know how everyone in the world has told me that I need a break? Well I finally get it. Like REALLY get it. I can almost see myself stopping treatment for good, skipping DI and just waiting for adoption to happen in it's own time. But that's not a promise - don't get me wrong, I do like the idea. But I reserve the right to change my mind and do whatever the hell I want to do.

Let's just concentrate on getting this cycle to work first.

Oh and I would love to hear your experiences of donor sperm, either if you have used it, if you have considered using it, or have friends children conceived by it and your experience from that point of view. I need ass-vice and lots of it!

Crap fertilisation

Only five of my eggs fertilised through ICSI, with another one possibly being a latecomer. I am so upset, they tried ICSI on 17 of the eggs and we only got five? We have never had that low a fertilisation rate. Now I am scared that we wont even get to Day 3 to transfer. I don't think I have ever prayed this hard in my life. I can't have gone through this for nothing.

So this is what a normal egg collection feels like!

I feel actually pretty human. Usually after my egg collection I am a wreck in so much pain from a combination of hyperstimulation or from going for the really immature eggs, but none of that today, just a little bit of cramping and a little out of it.

We got 20 eggs, of which 12 were fully mature, and the rest we will do IVM on. It's actually a good result for, much less than what we normally get but we needed to do something to stop me from getting OHSS and fingers crossed this will work. It's strange to be wanting not many eggs when it is drummed into your head that more is better!

So now all I can do is pray.

Dear Lord,
Please look after our embryos and help them grow strong.
Murray & I would love to be parents to a child, and we believe this is in your plan for us. I put all of my worries and concerns to you, because I know you are the only one who can help us.
I ask all of this in your name.
Amen.

Rock and roll

Egg collection is booked for Friday 8.30am. The embryologist agreed with my thinking so fingers crossed everything goes the way it should. Now I just need to get through trigger injection tonight...

Cycle Day 11

27 follicles bigger than 10mm but still relatively small - no big lead follicle. Have asked to speak to the embryologist about still doing EPU on Friday to avoid hyperstimulation, that way we will get less mature eggs, but I wont get sick. It works in my head but whether it works in practice I don't know... maybe I will get them to do IVM just in case... I just think if I wait until Monday for EPU, I will hyperstimulate from having too many mature eggs.

I can't believe this is the last cycle I will do with my husbands sperm. I want it to work so badly.

Day 9

12 follicles bigger than 10mm. Estrogen at 1822. Return for bloods and scan on Wednesday. Egg Collection will most likely be on Monday but may even be this Friday if things keep going the way they are.

Soooo tired and mood swings galore this cycle. Off to the gym I go - hopefully this will improve my mood - as long as I don't cry all the way through it!

Doing it all again

My weight didn't even get mentioned after all of that. It's been a crazy week though, I have a uni assignment due tomorrow so have been at uni after work each day. Also a couple of good jobs have popped up at work for me which look promising - will keep you in the loop. Only a quick one tonight as suprise suprise, I am heading back into uni.

Oh and we are doing 187.5iu gonal-f for the first three days and then will drop down to 150iu. I don't think it will work but the dr wants to see how I respond, to try and avoid hyperstimming again!

Round Ten - Fight!

The bell has sounded - we are on our way into our tenth cycle. My period arrived this morning (and hurts like a bitch) so I will go into the clinic tomorrow morning for bloods and scan and start this whole merry-go-round again. The one thing I am worried about is that I haven't lost the weight that the clinic wanted me to lose. But believe me, if they try and make me wait another month, there will be hell to pay. I am very good at being vocal when I need to. Although I haven't lost any more weight, I have lost 12 centimetres, and 1.5% body fat - all while having spent the last week in wine and cheese country. So I think I have done bloody well.

Speaking of which, our holiday was really nice. A little frantic at times, having your flight changed without being told will do that to you! We caught a 2am flight to Adelaide, and ended up on a 6am flight coming back - so you can imagine how earlier we were at the airport checking our luggage in - not happy jan.

We spent the week in the Barossa Valley, a bit over an hour north of Adelaide in South Australia. It's predominantly red wine country, and I of course being the white wine drinker in our household ended up being designated driver. Luckily our hire car was an Audi A3 and a dream to drive, so I didn't mind too much! We bought plenty a bottle of wine and had to ship them back as they didn't fit into our luggage. And now for some pics of our mini getaway.

Uh oh

Murray lost his job today. Well to more correct, his contract is not being renewed at the end of the year, so he has a job until the end of the school year, but they don't want him back. He is just devastated. He has had a personality clash with his head of department the whole two years he has been at this school, and she gave a scathing review of him to the principal so that is that. Nevermind that he has never had a bad review from ANY of his past schools, colleagues or boss. Or that the kids love him and respect him. I am so angry and upset for him - his confidence has really taken a blow.

Luckily he had an interview at another school this afternoon, so I tried to pep him up and get him feeling positive about himself, and apparently the interview went well, so we just need to cross our fingers and pray that he gets the job.

At least he is on school holidays for the next two weeks - he doesn't have to be around all of those horrible people. He wasn't the only one that was let go, around 7 other teachers also got told that they were out of a job.

We are going away next week for a little getaway - off to the Barossa Valley in South Australia for four nights. Lots of wine and good food, staying at a bed and breakfast and hiring a car to get around the place. I think it is going to do a lot of good.

Dan Brown and Infertility

Is anyone reading Dan Brown's new novel 'The Lost Symbol'? I am only half way through (so dont spoil the ending!) but the idea that thoughts can move matter is something that is really interesting to me. Maybe that's what our IF community is doing through L&F, ICLW and all the other groups. By all of us praying for and thinking of other people, maybe we can change our infertile reality. Just an idea...

Losing weight for IVF

I know you all saw the title and went 'yeah, yeah, here she goes again', and yep, I am on the weight loss merry-go-round again. I have just finished the second week of boot camp and am utterly exhausted. Our trainer was half an hour late today so we spent that time in the gym going hard, then ran a couple of kilometres to a park to do hill runs and plank holds, sprints and other exercises, then ran back again. Two hours of hardcore exercise! On a Saturday morning! But I know I burnt an enormous number of calories so it makes it worthwhile.

Last week I lost 1.5kg and I am aiming to lose 5kg all up before our next IVF treatment in November. The clinic want me to have my BMI under 35 which is fair enough, but I also want to feel good about myself, and losing weight is definitely one way I can do that.

I know the experts say that losing just 5% of your body weight can help restore normal menstrual cycles in overweight women. Well I lost 20% of my weight two years ago and it did absolutely nothing for me, nor my PCOS. But it did make me feel good, which I think is worth just as much.

A couple of my good friends who also go to my gym are coming over tonight for a bit of a girls night in - healthy hamburgers, celery, carrots & dip, and low-calorie cocktails. Bring it on!

No good sperm

We had our meeting with our specialist on Tuesday which went okay.

At the beginning of the meeting they were hesitant about me cycling again considering my emotional state after the last cycle, but I have honestly bounced back really well, and feel 100% on where I was at that point. They could see that as well and so are happy for us to attempt one more IVF cycle before the year - hopefully lucky cycle number ten.

We went through what happened last cycle, and our embryologist explained that the female (egg) DNA is what gets the embryo to develop up to day 3, which is when the male dna takes over and gets the embryo to day 5. If you have plenty of embryos at day 3 but they fail to develop to day 5, it means your sperm is kaput. While you can still fall pregnant with high sperm DNA damage, the combination of him also having no motility means that the clinic would prefer us to move to donor sperm. Unfortunately donor sperm in Australia is incredibly hard to come by - very few sperm banks and they are only for their clinics use, there is a 5 family limit on donors and a long quarantine and cooling off period. There is no way we could fit another cycle in this year with donor sperm so we are going to roll the dice and try one last cycle with Murrays sperm. I can't quite let go yet, after all his sperm was good enough to get us pregnant one - plus the chemical pregnancy last December. Two out of our five transfers, something happened - I still think those are good odds, even if we havent necessarily made it to transfer in a lot of the cycles.

So at this point I am going to cycle in November, but we are still progressing our adoption seminars which are at the end of October, and are going to start advertising in the papers and on the internet to hopefully find someone who is willing to help us by donating sperm, in the event that this cycle is unsuccessful and we need to go again next year.



They are really happy with my egg production, so we are going to stick with the same FSH dose, although if I want it turned down one notch, they are also happy with that (to hopefully avoid ohss).

Quick updates

Super quick updates because I am exhausted

• Started my new job today - so totally awesome. And so much less stress, I can not even explain how much it has already helped my stress levels!
• Murray winning that money has helped us so much - and we found out that it is actually six thousand not five! Which is just an extra bonus!
• We have fish! Quite a few actually, we have names them all, and are loving our new members of the family
• I start boot camp on Wednesday and had the most full on personal training session ever today - so much boxing
• My personal trainer also told me she is three months pregnant. She was nervous about telling me because she knows what I have been through. It's bittersweet but I am very happy for her
• Our specialist appointment is tomorrow, so I have written a page up about our history and all of our questions so that I can hand it over and get everything out that I want to say. Really super nervous about it, especially when I know in the letter Mike wanted me to take a break for a while, but this already has been a good break for me, and I really want to try one last time, just to get to transfer and have a shot at it.
  
• Did I mention I love my husband!

That's it - I'm off to bed, will let you know how the meeting goes!

Oh. My. Goodness!

Murray just came 5th in his NRL footy tipping competition. Yeah I know. But the kicker is that the prize for fifth place is .... drumroll please..... five THOUSAND dollars!!!!!!!!!

We can actually afford one last go of IVF!

We have spent the last half an hour alternating between crying and laughing.

I can't believe it!

Comments

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I never really stop to think about everything that is happening, and it was admittedly a little hard reading people telling me that I need to take a break, but I do appreciate the honesty.

For the moment, I would still like to do another cycle before the end of the year, December if possible, as it will be the last chance to make use of our Medicare safety net before all the changes come in, and the $1100 limit restarts. If that cycle doesn't work, we will be having a very long break, most likely of a couple of years time, but I don't know if I could just stop now, when I know that I could have one more go of it.

I do realise that I need to get myself right though before I attempt another cycle. That is emotionally as well as the physical side of things. I really believe that changing jobs is going to help my mental state a lot and help me to not be so stressed out. We also have some really enjoyable things coming up to look forward to - a wedding in the south west next weekend, another wedding in November, a four day getaway to the Barossa Valley in South Australia at the end of this month, plus Christmas - my favourite time of the year. I don't know if I could cope with getting to Christmas and knowing that I am still barren. I feel like I need to give it one more chance. I know I could keep saying that forever - just one more cycle - but in my head and my heart, I feel like I need to.

Is three months enough of a break? I don't know, but that is what I am going to aim for at the moment, and I guess I will reassess before we start to see if I still feel comfortable.

Okay, rambling is over... just such a hard thing to decide. If I was talking to anyone else, I would say take a break, take the time, but I just can't do that for myself. What if that cycle is the cycle that I could fall pregnant with my child?

Letter from my specialist

I received a letter in the mail today from my fertility specialist Mike, which includes my referral to the pschologist I have seen this last few weeks. I don't know whether to cry or laugh or get angry. It has brought up all of the emotions I have tried to bury from this last cycle.

------------------------------------------

Dear Psychologist...

Thank you very much for seeing Rebecca who is only young but has had extensive IVF treatment without success and has run out of money and options for the time being.

She is a determined, intelligent and somewhat intense person who is naturally very disappointed with the result.

At the time of writing I don't have all teh details of her fertility treatment but these are available through the clinic and she will certainly know it blow by blow.

Future options are to revisit IVF in a couple of years time after lifestyle changes to improve the quality of both her eggs and his sperm, although she has tried this once before with extensive weight loss without luck.

They are considering embryo donation in the future but will clearly need a break. It has been so traumatic for her that she has needed a day or two in hospital after the recent failure of embryo development despite collecting 33 eggs (combined with the nausea and discomfort that goes with ovaries that large).

I have strongly advised her to see someone such as yourself to develop a framework to deal with the issues that have arisen so far and to cope with what lies ahead.

------------------------------------------------

It's like he has given up as well. I know I was in a really bad state when he saw me last, and maybe that is why he has formed the opinions he has, but I tend to have very low periods of time (eg when I was in hospital - hello, I just want through an egg collection for nothing!) but do pick up pretty well. At the moment I still have moments where I get emotional, and I am definitely still depressed, but I am functioning fine, and really do feel okay to keep going with treatment.

Am I overreacting?

I don't know what is going to happen at our meeting in a weeks time now, I feel like they aren't going to take me as seriously because I was so hysterical after the last failure. Can they prevent you from doing another round of IVF? Oh God I hope not :(

Getting my exercise thing on

I'm thinking of doing another Triathlon in a couple of months time. It's the Tri Pink Triathlon on November 8. I did a short course triathlon earlier in the year and loved it, but I was super-fit at the time. I am signed up to do boot camp for eight weeks, starting in a weeks time, and I am also doing personal training, so I hope that by the end of all of that I would be fit enough to do the triathlon. Last time I did a mini version, but I'm considering doing either the medium or long course version!

Any other Perth girls interested in giving it a go with me?

Nothing new

Just checking in, trying to catch up on all my bloggy friends who I have neglected during my latest crisis. It's been a pretty good weekend.

I got to speak to my Mum this afternoon which made me feel a little bit better - she was about to board a ferry taking her from Dover to France which I think is pretty cool. I also went out with some girlfriends on Saturday night and tried sushi for the first time - very cool! I even got the hang of chopsticks first go! Then my other girlfriends and I went out for breakfast this morning in East Perth which was nice.

Oh and the other exciting thing we did this weekend was buy a fish tank! I've been wanting to get a pet for a while, and I don't feel comfortable with getting a dog while we don't know if a baby could be joining the family sometime soon. So we have set up a tropical aquarium and will be looking for our first pet fish this week. I know it sounds a little nutty, but it will be nice to have something that we can take care of, and apparently it is meant to be very relaxing as well which is a nice bonus.

This is my last week in my current job which is quite exciting. Our branch was restructured and my position disappeared, with none of the other positions being suitable for me, so I start a three month acting position in HR working as the Recruitment Administrator while another girl goes on 12 weeks leave! It's really exciting, I have been in my old branch for four years and the last 18 months has been so incredibly stressful, especially in combination with doing IVF, and not necessarily seeing eye-to-eye with my boss. The work that I have been doing is very high-level and high-stress, so to get out of that is something I am looking forward to. I'm not sure where I will end up after the three months, but working in recruitment will mean I get to see all the vacant jobs as they get advertised, so at least I know what is around.

Time for sleep now, unfortunately I haven't been sleeping well so on a combination of Valium and Temazapam to get me to la-la land, eventually I will need to get myself off it but for now it does the job.

My last ditch effort

IF, we decide to try one final round of IVF, I want to make sure I throw everything at it. That means getting me into prime fertility mode. I want to put together a list of every possible thing I can do to improve my body. I'm no saint, but I want to make an effort to do anything and everything could make that 1% difference. I'd love some ideas from everyone on things that I may have missed.

Acupuncture - The Institute for Holistic Medicine is a training school for naturopaths, tcm and acupuncture. It's super cheap because the students are learning but they are supervised fully by a qualified practitioner. I can't afford to do acupuncture a lot as it is so expensive, but hopefully if I can get into this clinic, I will be able to get acupuncture all the way up to my cycle. I've never been to see a naturopath, being a natural sceptic, but I think it might be time to give it a go.

Losing weight - Yes I know this is a perennial goal of mine, but I have signed up for boot camp again, which is two sessions a week of hardcore cardio and weights, for eight weeks. It starts in September 9, so I should lose some serious weight during the eight weeks. I also plan to go back to my 'non-diet, healthy eating' plan which I have done before and gone well with. Basically it means toast for brekkie, fruit for morning/afternoon tea, salad/meat sandwich for lunch, and then a healthy dinner eg no takaway food which is our weakness. I also need to keep my water intake right up - I'm usually pretty good at this, but I might start using my Calorie King membership again to keep track of it all.

Vitamins - I obviously already take the recommended folate and iodine tablets, but I'm also going to add one of those ridiculously huge multivitamins to my diet - who knows, any little boost could make the difference.

Work - I am starting a new job in two weeks (which is a whole other post!) but I will be working from 8am to 4pm, instead of my current 9-5. This means a hell of a lot less sleep in the morning, so I need to be really vigilant about going to bed at a decent time, so I'm not struggling through the day. Our gym at work has been refurbished and has some new equipment, so I'm also planning, when I feel depressed at work, to go down to the gym at lunchtime and maybe sit on an exercise bike or treadmill to get some endorphins happening.

Depression - I need to get myself out of it. I'm on antidepressants and have been for a year now, which are now my baseline. I also have a script for Diazepam which I have been using sparingly. I don't want to be at the point where I still need the Valium come IVF time, so I need to build some positive strategies to pull myself through this time.

I have a lot of other plans about what I want to do in regards to treatment, but before I even get into that headspace, I need to get my mind and body right. Would love suggestions for other things I can do to get myself right for another cycle.

I really am getting ahead of myself. I want another cycle, but Murray doesn't. Deadlock. Oh well, I guess this can't be bad for me to do it anyway...

I miss my Mum

The day that we found out our embryos had stopped growing, my Mum hopped on a plane for a well-earned seven week holiday in Europe. I know it's only seven weeks, and I have Murray and my friends, but damn I miss my Mum. I miss having her no-nonsense voice on the end of the phone, or being able to talk about anything. I know there are phones and we can speak to each and all that but I don't want to spoil her holiday. I wish she was here to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay. Somehow I always believe it when she says it.

Unexpected Support

Hey Bec,

I have been meaning to write to you for the longest time but felt I just didn't have the right words to say but didn't want you to think I wasn't thinking of you either.

You would have heard this all before but I have friends who are and have been in your situation and while I would never ever pretend to know how you feel I just wanted you to know that I am always thinking of you both and I am sending you every bit of strength and love I can muster.

You are both two of the most loving, decent, generous human beings I have ever met and quite frankly I think it stinks that you have to go through this.

Anyway enough of my rambling, the short version is if you ever even just need to vent or need anything whatever, whenever we will be both here.

Lots of love

K & M

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I just received this email from my cousins wife, who I haven't seen for over year. To be honest I have always been a little jealous of K, I remember talking to her when she was just about to get married (a year after me), and they said they wouldn't start trying straight away - of course they fell pregnant the next month, and have since had another little baby recently. I get along great with both of them, but they live a distance away, and to be honest the friendship has fallen by the wayside. It was such a nice surprise to hear from her, and to get such strong support, just when I need it most.

Out of the blue

Click on the image to see the article (on the right-hand-side)

My blog has been written about in Notebook magazine, a national womens magazine in Australia. I had no clue about it at all until a fellow blogger saw it (I guess they don't need your permission if somethings online...) I feel very flattered and happy to share, but it certainly gave me pause for a moment to think that I am sharing my deepest and darkest fears and dreams on this webpage. I don't plan on censoring myself. To be honest, I don't think I could if I wanted to. This is my outlet, my place to let off steam, to get support, to deal with the really lows and celebrate the highs in life.

If you have come across this blog and realise you know me in real life - that is okay. You are welcome to read my blog, and even talk to me about it. If I have said things about you (hello in-laws!), please know that these feelings were how I felt at the time and if you want to know how I really feel/felt- there it is laid down for you, from my perspective. That doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I love you too much and wanted to get it all out in my head so that I don't explode.

There. That's about the best disclaimer a girl can give. If you are visiting after reading the magazine article - Welcome - and please feel free to leave a comment to let me know what you think. And apologies in advance, things are a bit dark at the moment.

Thngs that have helped

It's been a rough week. Shit who am I kidding. It's has been a freaking horrible week. Our dreams of a family are crushed. We don't know if we will ever be able to afford IVF again, or for that matter if I would even want to do IVF again. I don't think I could have gotten through this week without my friends.

My husband who I really truly deeply love. It sounds trite and cliched but he really is my rock. Without him I would have no meaning. He looked after me so well. He held me in his arms and just let me be sad which is exactly what I needed.

And then there is Megan, my gorgeous next door neighbour. Who was the first person I called in tears when I was told there were no embryos, and dropped everything to stay with me while I was in hysterics.

My beautiful friends who sent me messages of support through sms, email or my blog. Each one came through on the blackberry, and filled me with love and support, each message helping me to regain my sanity and pull through a very dark time.

A card from a faraway friend in Houston TX, and from closer to home at my church.





I know that I don't walk this path alone. I have many people here cheering me on to the highest point, and there to catch me when I fall. So thankyou. To all of you. You know who you are xx

If only wishes came true

Thank you all for your well wishes. I am finally starting to feel better, if not emotionally, at least physically. The pain from the procedure has finally started to go away, I can breathe easy, and am back at work thanks to running out of sick leave. My head is not in a good place right now, but I guess that is to be expected considering everything that has gone on this past week. I still can't believe that it is really over. No embryos, zero chance of falling pregnant from another cycle.

Even before this past weeks drama, I haven't been writing as much in my blog lately because, to be honest, I didn't really want to face reality. In your own head you can go around in circles and convince yourself that everything will be alright. Unfortunately when you write everything down on paper, you see it for what it actually is. So here goes.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. My husband has virtually no sperm motility and severe dna damage to his sperm. Our nine attempts at conceiving with assisted reproductive technology have resulted in five transfers, four negative results, three bouts of depression, two hospital stays and one miscarriage. Our last cycle resulted in no blastocysts, even though my engorged ovaries pumped out 33 - yes 33 - eggs. We have spent in excess of $25000 at last count on ART treatment. I have lost 20 kilos to be able to start IVF and have put back on 8 of those through hormones, not exercising through treatment cycles, and emotional binge eating.

It doesn't look particularly good. I really don't know how much more I can take. I know people get diagnosed with cancer, and have friends or family die. I know there are worse things in the world that can happen to me. The logical part of my brain says that many people deal with much worse everyday. But that logical part can't compete with the pain in my heart. The pain that makes me hurt when I see a newborn being cradled by its parents at the shopping centre. Or thinking that I should be 22 weeks pregnant with our baby girl Vanilla, showing off ultrasound photos and preparing the nursery.

The nursery that we painted before we even started trying to fall pregnant. It's pastel lime green - you know, the colour you can add hot pink to for a funky girls room, or add some blue for a super cool little boys room. With handmade bright blue curtains, made to blockout the sun, to ensure that the bubba would sleep okay, even if the sun was up. A complete matching linen set which I fell in love with, but was discontinued, so I traipsed over the whole of Perth collecting every spare set I could find - even the bumper which I wouldn't even be able to use for fear of SIDS. The cot and change table still in boxes. They still have the sale sticker on the side from May 2006 when we purchased them.

I walk into this room every day, to do my hair, grab my clothes from the wardrobe, and get ready to go to work. Each day I catch my eye in the wardrobe mirror and think about what could have been. What should have been. Which may never be.

I might never have a biological child of my own. I need to try and get my head (and heart) around that.

out

Really short post to say I am out of hospital and home. Pain was from blood trapped under my diaphram after the egg collection - still in pain but apparently it will slowly dissipate.

Cant even begin to talk about the results. We are going to counselling this afternoon. This was meant to be our last ivf. our last bit of money. our last chance. the last egg collection id have to deal with. 33 eggs to zero embryos. Im just filled with so many emotions, I cant even explain.

will write more tonight

on BlackBerry hence crap posts. devastated and not sure where to from here. on valium to keep mecalm .

got 33 eggs at egg collection but no blastocysts as of today day five. not good news

in hospital - for some reason cant post in the box but am in hospital ivf complications

epu tomorrow

Cant's sleep. So nervous. My brain wont stop going over everything.

Egg collection is 8.30 tomorrow morning. We don't know if we will get to transfer this time - my progesterone was 7.8 on Monday (the day of my hcg trigger) which can mean that my hormones are out of wack and not suitable for transfer. My clinic said that 7 is fine but 8 is usually the cut off for doing a freeze-all cycle. Something about the higher progesterone level being an indicator that my body has already moved on to the next part of the cycle, and having lower success rates from it. But then I did some research and looked at a few journal articles on line, some say that there is a negative correlation between elevated p4 levels on the day of your trigger and pregnancy rates, but a lot of the studies show no difference, one study even said it could be a good thing in pcos patients! So I think we are going to go ahead with the transfer - even if the success rate is reduce to 20% - that is a 20% chance of being pregnant compared to a 0% chance in a freeze-all cycle.

But seriously - why couldnt this just go to plan!

Sorry my posts have been pretty shocking lately - spelling, grammar and content. My head keeps slipping back into a bad place and blogging hasnt been the highest of my priorites... I promise to get back to some sense of normality soon! Hopefully you won't have all disappeared on me!

PS - my bestie got 12 eggs at her egg collection on Monday and 10 fertilised today - yipee!!! Keep all your fingers and toes crossed for her as well!

ready to pop

Looks like egg collection will be on Wednesday - as the title suggests, I'm feeling rather full up of eggs at the moment! As of today, my end lining is 10.2mm and I have 9 follicles bigger than 10 mm on my left side, and 16 on my right. I also have 10 follicles smaller than 10mm all up - so plenty of follies! My doctor doesnt usually do Wednesday's but he will be this week, so I will at least have a doctor that I know doing my procedure.

I am a little concerned though about ending up with OHSS again though. Last time I didn't get any symptoms until after my egg collection, but I am already starting to feel a little off colour from all the drugs and how full my ovaries are feeling. I NEED to have a transfer this time, it would kill me to do a freeze-all cycle again! I really want to do a fresh transfer to give us the best chance of success, so onto the protein shakes I go...

My best friend is going in for her egg collection today, can't wait to hear how she goes with it all. To be honest I'm a little concerned that she might end up with OHSS as well, just because I know she has a lot of follies too, and I know how much it hurts! Fingers crossed everything goes super well though.

Fit freak

I am back on the fitness bandwagon - eating superhealthy and lots of exercise. I have really taken my dr's comments to heart and am going to work my butt off to lose this weight. I know I have every excuse under the sun for why I have put on weight, but in the end it doesn't make a difference because the weight is still there.

I had my scan and bloods today, there are 5 follicles bigger then 10mm, and 20 less than 10mm. Still on 225iu Gonal-F and have to go back into the clinic on Friday morning for another round of poking and prodding.

Murray has recovered really quickly from the TESA - he is just a little sore, no bruising or anything which is great news.

black & blue

My tummy is black and blue (and purple and yellow!) from all of the gonal-f injections. They don't hurt too much but they are leaving ridiculous marks all over my stomach! But I guess I can't complain - Murray had his TESA today, which wasn't the most pleasant thing to watch! I stroked his head and kept him calm while the procedure happened - watching a 2 inch needle being injected into your husbands testes is not a good idea! But Murray was incredibly brave and we got a few straws of sperm. I should get an update tomorrow of exactly how good the sperm was. Murray got quite clammy during the procedure and felt like he wanted to throw up, but he made it through, and is only a little bit sore now - no bruising or anything!

I am day 8 today, and have another blood test and scan tomorrow morning at the clinic. At my scan on Monday nothing was happening to my follicles so I am hoping they bounce into action and have grown tomorrow. My doctor pulled me aside today after Murray's procedure to tell me that he (and the nurses) had noticed that I had put on weight and that I really need to control that and try and lose some of it. He said that he wasn't going to stop treatment or make a big deal out of it, but I really needed to make an effort to lose some. I'm actually a little upset about it all - not that he made that comment, because he is well within his rights to, and I know that I need to lose weight as well. It's just that I have been trying so damn hard! The day of my transfer, when we fell pregnant with Vanilla, I weighed 103 kg which is a good weight for me, and I feel quite healthy with it. I stacked on the weight after the transfer and early preg because I wasnt allowed to exercise at all and ate everything I wanted. But even after we lost Vanilla, I have been piling on the kilos. I have been back at the gym, at least three days a week and with a personal training additionally, yet I am still putting on weight! I just don't understand it. I am currently at 108.5kg, so I have put on 5 1/2 kilos in just over three months. IT IS RIDICULOUS!!!!!! So I am going to put a seriously crazy effort into trying to keep my weight under control before my egg collection, and hopefully lose a couple of kilos in the meantime.

Anyway, thats enough babble for one night, I am utterly exhausted so off to bed I go.

Cycle 9

Onto cycle 9 we go. I am on day 2 today and had my bloodtest and scan today. I start on 225iu of gonal-f tomorrow and go back in next Monday for another scan/bt. Also Murray will definitely be having TESA done, where they go directly into the testes to extract the sperm. I don't know a lot about it but I guess that will be my next topic of research for the next week! He is having the procedure done next Tuesday, in advance of our egg collection, and they will then freeze the sperm. The clinic believe that if they get the sperm from the testes, it might not have as much dna damage done to it, and also it may be more motile sperm. Fingers crossed they are right!

Would love to hear from anyone whose partner has been through TESA, and can let me know how it went?

A giant catchup

I'm back, and finally ready to blog. I've been feeling quite down and depressed and it's been hard to make myself type out how I feel, because there was so much negativity. But I am working hard to get past that and lots of positive things have been happening in my life lately which has certainly helped.

The first big thing was Murrays 30th birthday party which was two weeks ago. I put together a treasure hunt for his 30 (yes 30!) presents which he absolutely loved. We had around 50 people throughout the night partying hard, we put on all the alcohol and food, and our neighbours helped us put a marquee/sunshade out the back for additional room. It was such a great night, we had an absolute blast and Murray enjoyed himself which is the main thing.

We met with our new Fertility Specialist Mike Aitken a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure I've mentioned it before but I had always heard good things about Mike, I used him as my obstetrician, and throughout everything he was just compassionate and professional, and I can not speak highly enough of him. He works at my clinic also, so there was no drama in switching over for him for 'continuity of care'. As you know, we found out our baby was a little girl, and there was nothing genetically wrong with her which is a positive thing. Murray's tests came back "very poor" by the clinic standards - the DNA damage is pretty bad at 35% on the SCSA test, but even worse, his motility which has always been low at 5-8% (normal is above 50%) was 0% for his SA. Zero. As in, pretty shit. Mike didn't dwell on that too much though, I spotted on his note that he had written 'TESA?' next to the result, but that wasn't mentioned to us. Murray and I have spoken about it though and we are fine if that is what we need to do on the day.

Other than that he is happy for us to keep going with another IVF cycle, still on orgalutran, and starting me at 250iu which is what I wanted. He is very happy to listen to my suggestions and knows I have put a lot of research into all of this. The other thing I brought up with him is that, while I am happy to have a single fresh embryo transfer, if we get down to frozen embryo transfers, I want them to consider letting me do a double embryo transfer. While he wasn't too keen on the idea, he did say that I am educated enough to make the right decision and I was in the ballpark of their criteria for having two put back. All in all it was a really positive meeting.

So I am currently on the pill, on CD 23, and will probably come off the pill next week sometime to bring on my period. Then we are all systems go for our next egg collection, which I imagine will be around . It has been a year since I last had an egg collection, and I am a little apprehensive, mainly about the possibility of hyper-stimulating again. I have heard that if you stick to a high-protein diet, that it can help so I will definitely try to find out more about that.

Other news - we also went along to an adoption seminar, on both local adoption in WA, and intercountry adoption. Before the seminar I wasn't too keen on the idea, just because of all the beauracracy involved and I had heard a lot of horror stories about the system. I actually feel a lot better about the idea now that I have heard the information from the horses mouth so to speak. The inter-country adoption process is pretty arduous, but certain countries such as South Korea have a shorter waiting list and are accepting a lot more applicants recently. Also a lot more local children have become available for adoption recently, apparently as a result of international students accidently getting pregnant and giving the children up for adoption. Local adoption is done through a matching process rather than a waiting list, so you could end up with a child after 2 months or 10 years. Anyway, there are still a lot of issues that we need to work out, but the next step is to complete 3 education sessions on adoptive parenting, separation and attachment in adoption and intercountry adoption. After that we can submit an application to adopt. Such a long road, so much to think about but its another positive that we have right now.

Oh and of course we have just gotten back from our holiday! Four nights in Phuket Thailand, and four nights in Singapore were just what we needed. Unfortunately I wasn't 100% well throughout the trip, but on the whole we had a great time. We visited Phi Phi Island and Big Buddah in Phuket, then we went to the Singapore Derby, the Night Safari and Sentosa Island in Singapore. It was really nice to have time just with Murray and get away from Perth for a while.

On a sour note, things at work aren't great at the moment. The restructure has been communicated and I no longer have a position. Luckily enough, working for a semi-government organisation means they will help me find another role internally, within the company. To be honest it is a bit of a blessing in disguise as I have been in this branch for four years and have a personality clash with a few people in the branch, so this gives me the chance to start all over again in a new area.

I think I'm up to date with everything! Now for me to get up to date with you! Let me know what you have been up to!

Our holiday in pictures.

More news to come shortly, for now some pictures from our holiday in Thailand and Singapore.