I received a letter in the mail today from my fertility specialist Mike, which includes my referral to the pschologist I have seen this last few weeks. I don't know whether to cry or laugh or get angry. It has brought up all of the emotions I have tried to bury from this last cycle.
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Dear Psychologist...
Thank you very much for seeing Rebecca who is only young but has had extensive IVF treatment without success and has run out of money and options for the time being.
She is a determined, intelligent and somewhat intense person who is naturally very disappointed with the result.
At the time of writing I don't have all teh details of her fertility treatment but these are available through the clinic and she will certainly know it blow by blow.
Future options are to revisit IVF in a couple of years time after lifestyle changes to improve the quality of both her eggs and his sperm, although she has tried this once before with extensive weight loss without luck.
They are considering embryo donation in the future but will clearly need a break. It has been so traumatic for her that she has needed a day or two in hospital after the recent failure of embryo development despite collecting 33 eggs (combined with the nausea and discomfort that goes with ovaries that large).
I have strongly advised her to see someone such as yourself to develop a framework to deal with the issues that have arisen so far and to cope with what lies ahead.
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It's like he has given up as well. I know I was in a really bad state when he saw me last, and maybe that is why he has formed the opinions he has, but I tend to have very low periods of time (eg when I was in hospital - hello, I just want through an egg collection for nothing!) but do pick up pretty well. At the moment I still have moments where I get emotional, and I am definitely still depressed, but I am functioning fine, and really do feel okay to keep going with treatment.
Am I overreacting?
I don't know what is going to happen at our meeting in a weeks time now, I feel like they aren't going to take me as seriously because I was so hysterical after the last failure. Can they prevent you from doing another round of IVF? Oh God I hope not :(
I don't know if they can stop you from doing a round of IVF, tho I'm not sure especially if they think you're not handling it?
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're overreacting but I also don't think your Dr has given up. I actually think he's right in that you DO need a break.
You may not want one but in all honesty you need time away from ttc and all things associated with it, even if it's just a couple of months. Time to recoup, clear your head, let your body relax and heal and perhaps time to just focus on you and Murray.
I know that might not be what you want to hear and perhaps no one else will be willing to say it to you but trust me it will do you the world of good.
xxx
It's hard to read a letter like that isn't it - I know I found it hard to read my reproductive history, so take a while to let it sink in.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your RE has given up, he's just being realistic, after such large losses it's healthy to take a break, to heal the soul (I know that taking a break is HARD but, have a plan first). So for example, I took a break (forced by the RE after my first IUI of 6 months! to calm the endo). But, in that time i planned, I researched, I ate better, I took supplements etc and I had a plan. So each forced break I've had (and there have been a few) I do constructive work (like you are doing concentrating on getting healthy!) and have a plan for when I start again.
I am almost thankful that I didn't get the chance to read my charts from the various fertility doctors that we've seen in the past four years. It's difficult to see things written in black and white.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the Unproductive One, I think that your doc is advocating a break in your treatment. I know that the past four months of enforced TTC break has been good for my heart and spirits as well. I think that your doctor wants to give your body and mind the time to heal.
You're in my thoughts and prayers Bec.
I can understand. Stating "years" is a bit of an extreme break. Do what feels right for you. Some vitamins I would recommend would be your basic Blackmores or Elevit Multi, Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin C and Folic Acid 5mcg (as opposed to the basic 0.5mcg dose). Also absoloutely check out the book "Is your body baby friendly" by Dr. Beer. You have been through hell Bec, such a vicious cycle xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou and your body have been through so much Bec. I feel like I shouldn't even be commenting. But I wanted to say this. (And if you want to delete it that's ok) You are blessed that you have time on your side and maybe, just maybe, having a few months will help you heal a little.
ReplyDeleteI mean that emotionally, physically and financially this has all taken a toll on you.
A few months will let you resolve some of these things.
I'm really with The Unproductive One on this. Mike hasn't given up on you either, he just wants you to step back for a while and recover a little.
And I couldn't do a triathlon, that's for sure, but there is a fun run in December I'm going to do, why don't we both do it?
xxxxx
I don't see this as your doctor giving up on you, but rather showing a lot of concern for your well being, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I would be flattered that he cared so much.
ReplyDeleteI can, however, understand that this must be hard to read and with everything you have gone through, feel like a bit of a pot-shot. You are of course feeling fragile after tragedy after tragedy of unsuccesful attempts and this HAS to affect you. It must. Your doctor is looking after you in this regard.
Strength and knowledge can only empower. You have the knowledge and most of the strength. You now just need a rest, a break, something else to focus on and give your loving heart a rest from all the breaking.
I wish you nothing but happiness and inner peace. XX
Oh this letter makes me want to scream!! You need a new RE. He deals with women who have been trying to get pregnant for years, add in the financial strain of IVF and it is a wonder any of us hold it together! There is something wrong with him. Seriously.
ReplyDelete