Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Tears for my lost baby

I keep breaking down into tears. All it takes is a split second thought and I start crying. Every time I look at Murray, I think about the baby we were going to have together. And now we aren't. Everyone keeps saying that 'at least we know we can get pregnant'. That's cold comfort right now. And there is no guarantee we will get pregnant again. This was our 5th transfer from 8 cycles. How do we know that it wont take another 8 cycles for me to fall? And if I lose it again? Why would I want to put myself through that again. Another loss would almost make it not worth having a child. It just hurts too much.

27 comments:

  1. kennaWednesday, 27 May, 2009

    I'm crying with you.

    I wish I could say/do something more.

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  2. MicheleWednesday, 27 May, 2009

    Sending you warm thoughts. The pain is unbearable. The only thing that made us try again (and again... and...) was the love that each baby gave us, how much we loved them... how much we wanted to give them a younger sibling. But each success and loss has been so very hard... so gut wrenching...

    Many prayers for you guys...

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  3. areyoukiddingmeThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I know it's meaningless now, but it will get easier. Not better, but easier. I'm so sorry.

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  4. NicholeThursday, 28 May, 2009

    Bec - I was told so many times "At least you know you can get pregnant." People mean well, but it really is a cruel thing to say. What good is getting pregnant if I keep miscarrying?
    My gut aches for you right now. I remember the initial pain and anger so well.
    It sucks, It sucks, It sucks.
    I love you and I am so so sorry you have to go through this!

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  5. nishkanuThursday, 28 May, 2009

    So sorry you are on this path. People say a LOT of dumb things when you miscarry, they do not really know what to say and though they mean to say "you are loved and supported" it often comes as a dagger to the heart anyway. You do not need to make decisions about whether/how to try again, you just need to make it through the next days and weeks as best you can. Very sad for you.

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  6. annacyclopediaThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you have to deal with people saying the wrong thing. I'm keeping you in my prayers and thoughts today.

    From the LFCA.

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  7. AmandaThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I am so so sorry for your loss. So sorry. (((hugs)))

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  8. CThursday, 28 May, 2009

    Here through L&F...I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that doesn't make it better, but I'm thinking of you just the same.

    Ppl mean well when they say "at least you know you can get pregnant," but you're right, it doesn't make the loss any lighter or easier to deal with. I lost my baby last June and when ppl would say that, I would think "yeah, but I want a baby, not a pregnancy."

    At any rate, I'm wishing you the best, and strength for the journey.

    ((hugs))

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  9. JoyThursday, 28 May, 2009

    (((hugs))) I wish I could help in some way to make it easier, but I know there is little I can say or do, but I wanted to let you know that I am listening.

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  10. AlexicographerThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I came over from LFCA. I'm so sorry about your loss. I hope you'll be able to take gentle care of yourself, especially during the next few weeks.

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  11. calliopeThursday, 28 May, 2009

    oh honey. I am so so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

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  12. ElizabethThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I'm so sorry. This is just wretched.

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  13. MLOThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I'm so sorry. No, the pain never completely goes away, but it does get more bearable and less raw. There are going to be times when it catches you unawares. All of that is ok and normal.

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  14. BarefootThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I'm so, so sorry to read about all you've been through in the last couple of weeks. Thinking of you.

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  15. AnonymousThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I'm so sorry. Those words are just a hollow as "at least you know you can get pregnant" say nothing if you know not what to say.

    Hugs...

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  16. AnonymousThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been where you have been. I, too, thought I would never be able to go back to it. I had never even considered that I might miscarry, so when I did with my very first pregnancy, I was doubly devestated.

    Give yourself time. It's the only thing that helps. You'll know what the right choice is for yourselves, with time.

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  17. And so it goesThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I am so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there were answers, or the right things to say, but I know that's not how it works.
    Know you are not alone....we are all surrounding you and carrying your hurt with you.

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  18. emilythehopelessThursday, 28 May, 2009

    {hugs}

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  19. MeganThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.

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  20. JellyBellyThursday, 28 May, 2009

    i'm sending you more hugs and prayers bec.

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  21. CamarliThursday, 28 May, 2009

    Bec, i am so sorry. It is such a horrible hard thing to deal with.
    Everyone deals with their grief differently. After our horrible loss , i took heart in this Chinese Proverb "To get through the hardest journey, we need only take one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"

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  22. AnonymousThursday, 28 May, 2009

    I am so sorry ((((HUGS))))

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  23. AnonymousThursday, 28 May, 2009

    Oh Bec, I am so, so sorry.

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  24. Beautiful MessFriday, 29 May, 2009

    I don't have any words to erase your pain. Oh how I wish I did. I'd give them to you in a heart beat. Please know that I'm thinking about you and sending you so many hugs and vibes of strength.
    *HUGS*

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  25. BJFriday, 29 May, 2009

    Cry until you can cry no more Bec, that's all I could do after each of my miscarriages. The pain and sadness will always be there, but it does fade slowly with time. Love to you girl xoxo

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  26. CaraFriday, 29 May, 2009

    Oh Becca - I've been out of the loop and came back for this. I'm just so so so sorry and yes, all those platitudes are cool comfort.

    Cry, cry, cry, cry.....

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  27. AnonymousSunday, 31 May, 2009

    Bec - All I can say is that I am thinking of you and Murray ...

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