Generosity

My husband works with the most amazing group of people.

Last week he wasn't feeling so great after our IVF appointment, and a few people could see that he had stuff on his mind. When he told them about the chance to freeze his samples prior to IVF but that it would cost $600, they were sympathetic and really lovely to him. Nothing unusual there, they are a great bunch of people.

Then on Friday, his boss and another colleague came up to him and handed him a little red envelope, like what they give out for Chinese New Year. In it was over $700 in cash! His workmates had gotten together and decided they wanted to help to take the stress away and had come up with the money themselves!

I mean, who does that! Their amazing generosity, completely unexpected, has made something that was going to be a struggle, into something that could really increase our chances with our last IVF cycle. I have cried several times since at what an incredible gift this has been.

There is going to be lots of homemade cake in the future for staff morning teas!

No babies places in 6 months

I spoke with the adoption agency earlier this week to find out any news on the adoption front. As usual they couldn't tell me anything, but they did say that no babies had been placed since I last spoke with them in October. At that point they hadn't placed any babies for some time either, so it has been at least 6 months since a placement was made.

My hopes are low at this point

Permanent foster care predicament

We had a really emotional weekend. We were approached by somebody who belongs to our previous church about potentially fostering a 10 year old girl.

Her story isn't ours to tell, but she needed a home, and our names came up as potential foster parents, likely on a permanent basis.

 

It was completely out of left field. First we had to consider if we could practically do it. We have a spare room set up, we wouldn't need additional furniture, the local primary school is just down the road, we can arrange for me to work school hours etc. So the practicalities of it weren't a deal-breaker.

So then it came down to, is this actually something we want to do? And is it the right circumstances for us?

We prayed hard. We discussed lots of different angles. We listened to each other's thoughts. We argued. We hugged.

In the end, we came to the decision that it was not right for us. The deal breaker was that it would take away our adoption approval, and that is a hurdle that neither of us were able to get past.

 

It really stirred some things up for us around parenting. Murray has always looked forward to having an older child – helping them with their homework and after school sports, after all he is a high school teacher. Whereas I crave the baby and young child stages – teaching them their alphabet and taking them to the zoo to see an elephant for the first time. Murray was much more okay with the potential fostering situation than I was because it fit his needs, but it would have been a huge loss for me, to miss those stages of parenting.

 

I know some might see the decision as selfish, hell so do I. But I'm okay with the decision, which is all I have to be.

It has definitely opened our minds to the potential of doing long term/permanent foster care down the road if an adoption doesn't eventuate.

IVF again

 

We had our appointment with the specialist yesterday and have a plan for our last cycle.

We discussed a couple of options, but considering this is our final round (really, truly, last cycle, nothing more), this is what we are going for:

·         Increasing Puregon dose to 150iu per day. Last cycle's egg collection was on day 17 which I feel is too late so we are going to try for a faster rise hopefully and go to egg collection between day 12 and 14

·         We aren't going to do the Endo scratch again. Yes the success rates appear to be higher, but our Dr seems pretty certain it's the embryo quality and not my uterus that is the issue

·         I am going to try a couple of different supplements. I have already started taking COQ10 150mg a day, but am adding in Metformin 500mg 3 times a day, and also Myo inositol 2g twice a day. I've order the inositol from iherb.com which was only $28 so worth adding in to the stuff I already take (Folic Acid, B12 and Fish oil). My Dr thinks that Myo inositol can't hurt and possibly could do good so happy for me to try it.

·         Finally, Murray is going to give two samples and have them tested and frozen over March and April, so that if on the day his sample is poor, we can use one of the backup samples instead and use the one with the best possible stats. This costs $600 with no rebate for the freezing, but it is worth us doing, and because there are no other out of pocket costs besides the supplements, we can afford to try it.

 

So we are going to wait 3 months for the supplements to do their thing and for Murray to give his samples, and then cycle in May.

We both feel like this is giving it all that we have, and are ready to let it go after this. For a while I didn't even want to give this another try but in the end I couldn't turn down a free cycle after all the money that we have spent over the years on fertility treatment.

Fertility Friend

After all this time, I still track my cycles. Nowadays everyone has apps on their phone, but pre-iPhone (gosh, we really have been trying for a long time!), I used to hope on my PC first thing in the morning, log on to Fertility Friend and type in my temperature and any signs that I had that day.

Now I don't bother with temperature tracking - I am much more in tune to my body's signals around ovulation and my period, but it was definitely helpful in the first few years. It's also a lot easier because FF has an app on my phone, so I don't even have to go to the computer anymore.

Why is any of this important? Well, FF also gives me statistics. And who doesn't love a good stat?

This cycle is number 100 of trying to conceive. 28 June 2006 was the first day of our first cycle which means we are coming to 10 years of, well, all of this. Not exactly something to celebrate, but certainly a reminder of the journey that has taken place.

Professional photos from our 10 year vow renewal

Back in November I wrote about our 10th wedding anniversary and how we chose to renew our wedding vows. I realised tonight that I never posted our proper photos, only a couple of blurry mobile phone shots. Rectifying that now!

We had picnic blankets, parasols and fans

Add caption

All of my work friends

We hired a face painter to entertain all of the kids - it was a hit!

Us with some of our nieces and nephews

Things to speak with the FS about

I am putting together a list of things to talk to our specialist about when we meet with her on February 15.

• During our last embryo transfer, she mentioned something about some herbs that have shown some promising results, but as my legs were in stirrups I wasn't exactly retaining that knowledge! Hopefully I can find out more about that.
• If DHEA is worthwhile for PCOS patients. Even though I seem to get lots of eggs, the quality is poor, and I am interested to know if DHEA would help in this
• Any other herbs or supplements that she recommends
• Whether regular ejaculation is a yay or nay before giving the sample. Murray's great results were after infrequent ejaculation, but we were told in the standard IVF literature we received to ejaculate every second day prior to giving a sample, which of course was our worst result, so I am hesitant to follow that advice again
• Is it worth trying the endo scratch again? Man it hurt like crazy, but the results do suggest that it improves the odds significantly. 
• Would a different style of cycle work? I've been doing FFSH with Orgalutran, but perhaps a down reg cycle with Lucrin instead of Syneral would work better (I wont agree to a Syneral cycle as the nose spray gives me horrific migraines, I would have to be on bed rest for the whole cycle).

Preparing ourselves for the VERY last cycle

It feels a bit dejavu going through this all over again, but this really will be our last treatment cycle. We have an appointment booked with our doctor on February 15th, and then it will be a case of working out the best timing to proceed with IVF.

There are a couple of things we have started doing in preparation for this cycle. A few people on my lost post had some recommendations which I have definitely taken on board - thank you everyone.

• Started eating healthy, including no Red Bull (a serious weakness of mine)
• During the cycle, I will also be cutting out caffeine (I currently have Coke Zero a couple of times a week but no coffee)
• Getting back into my exercise routine. We have been going to the gym and walking the dogs five times a week, trying to get into a good groove
• I am now taking my usual Folate and B12 supplement, but have added fish oil tablets and COQ10 which is an antioxidant. I am also looking into Inositol which looks to have good results
• Murray is back on the Conceive Well tablets, and has also started taking fish oil tablets.
• I will be having acupuncture done during the next cycle, if only before and after embryo transfer

I am headed to Sydney for the ANZAC Day long weekend in April so I want to get this over and done with by then if possible, which would mean a March/early April cycle.

We went and saw the clinics fertility counsellor yesterday, but to be honest it was a waste of time. We mainly did it because Murray was so disappointed after the last result, but we have both recovered well now, and having some time off over Christmas and the New Year has helped both of us to move on.

Another shot

We got a call from the fertility clinic today, and they have convinced the Health Department that we should have another fully funded (free) attempt at IVF. I don't know how to feel about it. I was starting to come to terms with not having a biological child, but now this wave of hope is there. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

I have an appointment booked with the fertility specialist in February, and I'll also book in to see the Scientific Director to discuss the embryo development. I'm starting a healthy eating and exercise regime, and I'm considering some supplements which look interesting.

No biological children

It’s hard to imagine that I will never be pregnant, give birth or have a child born to us. I’m trying not to spend time thinking about it. I’ve mourned it each and every unsuccessful IVF attempt. I’m scared that if I cry, I will never stop and I’ll fall into clinical depression again.

The darkness that depression brings is a place I don’t want to go back to, so I am being as proactive as possible to avoid that. That means positivity, focusing on adoption, and not allowing myself to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself.

I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hate when people ask me how I am going, or where we are up to because then I have to think about it instead of pretending that it never happened. I should never have had hope.

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone. I guess I just never expected that the person who can’t have children would be me.

 

Murray is devastated. I spent most of Saturday evening comforting him, while trying not to let my own emotions overflow. I can’t give him much comfort though. We are infertile –both of us. Unable to bear children. No guarantee that we will ever be placed with a child for adoption. And somehow we have to be okay with that.

Day 29 - 9dp3dt Still negative

Another negative this morning and I am PMS'ing like there is no tomorrow so it is over. I guess I always knew that this would be the likely outcome. I'm trying hard to keep everything together. No tears and only positive thoughts, that our baby will come to us through adoption. And even if there is no baby, that we will have each other, and that could be enough.

Day 27 - 7dp3dt BFN

I tested this morning. I knew I shouldn’t have but I did anyway. Negative. I know, I know, there is still a chance that it is too early to show up, but the odds get lower and lower all the time for us.

 

My brother is going through some things at the moment, and I bargained with God that if he could help him, I would be okay with this not working. Well my brothers situation started looking up today, so part of me feels like that deal is done. I know how silly that sounds, but this whole process makes you a little nuts.