It’s hard to imagine that I will never be pregnant, give birth or have a child born to us. I’m trying not to spend time thinking about it. I’ve mourned it each and every unsuccessful IVF attempt. I’m scared that if I cry, I will never stop and I’ll fall into clinical depression again.
The darkness that depression brings is a place I don’t want to go back to, so I am being as proactive as possible to avoid that. That means positivity, focusing on adoption, and not allowing myself to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself.
I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hate when people ask me how I am going, or where we are up to because then I have to think about it instead of pretending that it never happened. I should never have had hope.
I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone. I guess I just never expected that the person who can’t have children would be me.
Murray is devastated. I spent most of Saturday evening comforting him, while trying not to let my own emotions overflow. I can’t give him much comfort though. We are infertile –both of us. Unable to bear children. No guarantee that we will ever be placed with a child for adoption. And somehow we have to be okay with that.
Thanks for sharing this. I have been at a similar place this last year, as well, and hope to pursue adoption. I'm so sorry your IVF didn't turn out positively. Do you have any frozen embryos? I'm guessing not, as you are turning back toward adoption. In any case, sending lots of care.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are in this place Bec. None of us go down this path expecting to be on the bad end of the statistics. It is so hard. And there is no reprieve from it all. I wish there was something I could do to help. Prayers for you and Murray. This is the worst!
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