M y body's epic fail

My body has decided to quite working and I have my period on Day 21. I have no idea what is going on with it, except that clearly it doesn't like me much. That's okay - I don't like my body much either at the moment.

I am back on my health kick - today is day 2 of exercise and eating well and I am feeling exhausted. I know I will get past that feeling and get an energy boost in a week or so, but gee I could really use that right now.

Study week for uni this week thank goodness, so no lectures or hard thinking. My brain has turned to mush, I am being unproductive at work and sleeping my non-working hours away. No sleep in for me tomorrow though, I have to be at Mandurah  at 7am for a toolbox meeting, which means leaving home at 5.45am tomorrow - ouch! Which means off to bed I go...

Night all.

Musings

I have taken up the challenge from the lovely Bec (yes there are two of us - I imagine very confusing for our friends), to answer some questions. Here we go...


1. Do you have any pets? Yes, our 10 month old Beaglier puppy Charlie Hustle - he is our baby!
2. Name 3 things that are physically close to you. My Blackberry, water bottle and a disposable camera from our holiday that I was meant to get developed months ago
3. What’s the weather like right now? It's midnight so cold and dark! But it was a beautiful day
4. Do you drive? If so have you crashed? Yes a Peugeot 307 - never crashed
5. What time did you wake up this morning? 8.30am for Church at 9
6. When was the last time you showered? Last night after painting
7. What was the last movie you saw? Can't remember. Oh yes, it was Matching Jack, an Australian film. Sad but different to my usual genre
8. What does your last text message say? "Hey hon, can't see the picture. Just at church. Don't spend too much money on me k xxx" (Murray sent through a picture of a handbag as he is in Melbourne this week)
9. What’s your ringtone? Depends - Rude Boy by Rihanna for Murray and Telephone by Lady Gaga for everyone else. Actually I may change that tonight!
10. Have you ever been to a different country? Yes - to Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand and Fiji! Love the tropical paradise holidays!
11. Do you like sushi? Yes
12. Where do you buy your groceries? Coles online - love having my shopping delivered to my house
13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Oh how I love thee Temazapam! Not on it at the moment thank goodness, but has been a lifesaver in the past
14. How many siblings do you have? Two younger brothers, 21 & 20
15. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Both, my desktop is in the study, and a little netbook that I got for my birthday which I use around the house and at uni
16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 25!
17. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Nope but I totally wish I had a pair of hot secretary glasses!
18. Do you color your hair? Occasionally
19. Tell me something you are planning to do today. 
Today as in Monday? I guess it is 7 minutes past midnight which makes it a new day. Ummm picking up my husband from the airport!
20. When was the last time you cried? Monday. Cancelled IVF cycle :-(
21. What is your perfect pizza topping? I had the most amazing pizza years ago which was a Thai Red Curry pizza at the Cowaramup Brewery near Margaret River - absolutely yummy
22. Which do you prefer-hamburgers or cheeseburgers? Mcdonalds cheeseburger all the way
23. Have you ever had an all-nighter? Yes.
24. What is your eye color? Blue
25. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke? Yup

NOW - I totally tag all of you to do this!


And that's it for me, it's just gone midnight and luckily tomorrow is a Public Holiday so no work! Yippee! I also get my husband back! Murray and his sister went on holiday to Melbourne for the week and I have been on my lonesome, but it has actually been quite nice having time to myself, pull myself together.

I have started thinking about a major life change. My weight has ballooned out once again. It is completely my fault, I have excuse after excuse, but that it all they are - excuses. My girlfriend Bec (the same one who tagged me) had a gastric sleeve operation done earlier this year. and I am starting to think seriously about having the operation done. One of the recommendations is that you don't try and get pregnant for at least a year, preferably two years after the surgery which obviously would be hard. But I need something different, and I feel my weight is interfering in my life - both with IVF and more generally.  I don't know, just an idea at this stage.

I have also decided to submit our adoption paperwork this week. We had filled in the paperwork and put it to the side because we wanted to have an embryo transfer before we made a decision to pursue adoption. I think I am ready to do this now though. A chance conversation about an acquaintance who adopted locally has really opened my heart and eyes, and I want to give it a try. Am worried our finances and Murray's dodgy medical report will hinder us, but we can only try.

So we keep on keeping on I guess.

Where to from here?

Not much to update, I am once again on an enforced break, unable to control my body, my fertility. I am okay, in fact I am doing a lot better than I thought would be possible. Murray left last night on a mini holiday with his sister to Melbourne, so I am on my own for the next five nights. I thought it would be hard, but already the space has allowed me to process my thoughts and just be me for a while without having to worry about anyone else. It's actually quite healing just spending time with our puppy, doing lots of reading - no TV or arguing over dinner. Just me and my thoughts. Dangerous yet soothing. I know there will be a point sometime soon where I will need to cry and vent, but for now I am okay.

Day 12 - All over

As predicted, my cycle was cancelled this afternoon. My estrogen finally kicked in and went back up to 1500 but my follicles hadn't grown much at all. My primary follicle was at 24mm, but the next biggest was 13 with some at 9 and 8, and plenty of small ones at 6mm. The nurses said that I could trigger and do a timed intercourse cycle but Murray is going to Melbourne tomorrow so the timing would be off, and we know the likelihood of it working isn't worth the heartache. So it's over. Again.

I have left a message for my doctor to call me tomorrow about a change in protocol. I'm thinking that I might try a flare cycle with Lucrin injections, and hopefully he will consider moving my gonal-f dose to 150iu to see if that makes a difference. Which means starting all over again in November, as the clinic always wants a rest cycle in between treatment cycles. I don't bother fighting that any more, I realise that I need it for my sanity more than I realise.

I'm hurting but surviving. I have some beautiful friends who have helped me through today, distracting me and providing good loving.Thank you, you know who you are.

Day 10 - lowering the bar

My estrogen is down to 950 and I am distraught. I don't know what to do. My dr wants me to come in for another scan and bloodtest on Monday, but told the nurses that there it is a possibility that this cycle will be cancelled. I just don't know why my body is doing and what I can do to make a difference. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this again if the cycle is cancelled
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Day 9 - The estrogen limbo

My estrogen level has dropped again to 1200. I don't have a clue how or why this has happened. I don't think it is normal - could this affect the quality of my eggs? The ultrasound showed that my 14mm follicle has grown to 22mm in the pas three days, so maybe that follicle is absorbing all of my gonal-f? I do have about 8 other follicles growing between 5-9mm each. Can follicles collapse? I'm hoping that the 22mm follicle will collapse, allowing the other follicles to start soaking up the FSH and grow! Seriously, how can I go from being overstiulated al the time, to going backwards!

Off to the hospital tomorrow for another blood test to see where we are at. I'm worried that this cycle is a bust already, but I so badly just want to get to egg collection and transfer that I am willing to go ahead even if the conditions aren't perfect. I'm not sure I will ever get a 'textbook' IVF cycle - damn it!

Still highly emotional at the moment. Two of my girlfriends have just seperated from their husbands, and a mate has broken up with his long term girlfriend of five years. Another friend has been to two funerals this week for people at work. Everything just seems to be collapsing, and I can feel my grip on 'normalcy' slowly slipping away. My poor veins aren't doing too flash either - four bloodtests in a row is plenty enough to make my veins shrivel up and hide everytime the phleb comes close to me with a needle.

Oh well, it is the weekend thank goodness. I am sitting in my Economics lecture theatre waiting for my lecturer to arrive and spend the next three hours going over macroeconomic theory - oh the torture. The one good news that I received today is that I got 100% on my midsemester Accounting exam I did last weekend! My first ever 100% result and in a subject I find quite difficult, so that has given me a little bit of my wind back this afternoon. Hopefully it is a good omen!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Day 8 - holding steady

Somehow my estrogen level is still at 1300. Back at the clinic tomorrow for a blood test and scan. Am happy that for once my body isn't spiralling out of control with the hint of hormones, but at the same time - come on! Just play nicely ovaries - please!

The best scenario is that the big follicle has collapsed, and the other follicles have increased in size which would account for the hormone level to have stayed the same. Google is not helping my cause, I have always had quite high estrogen levels during IVF, but some websites say that anything over 4000 is really bad and should be cancelled because of OHSS - but nearly every cycle I have done has over 4000 by trigger? Who knows, I am just going to see what happens on the ultrasound tomorrow. The fact that I am underdone means that they can always up my dose to see what happens, rather than having to cancel because I am too high.

I haven't spoken to my brother but I have forgiven him for his stupid comments. He didn't get anyone pregnant, I think he just forgets sometimes that I'm not one of his army mates who can talk crap to, I'm his sister and this is the one area you don't mess around about with me. Phew.

Would appreciate everyone's prayers and thoughts for tomorrow, I couldn't bear to have another cancelled cycle, I don't know if I would have the courage to go through this again.

Day 7 - Confused & teary

My estrogen has dropped from 1400 yesterday to 1300 today. Not the most promising of starts. I don't want to have to cancel but this cycle certainly isn't textbook. At least when I hyperstimulate I know what is going on with my body and why - this I just don't understand.

Have to have another blood test tomorrow, which means I will be late for an important work meeting. Not much I can do about it, but just another interruption to my life.

Am a little upset at my younger brother at the moment. He is 20 and in the army, so he doesn't understand the desire to have kids, but he has always been really sensitive and good about it. I was doing the sisterly thing and giving him the 'don't do drugs, don't get into trouble speech' - it's a bit of a running joke between us, and he knows that I am playing around because we do it every conversation. This time though he said that he had gotten a girl pregnant. I told him haha very funny, stop playing around, and he went very quiet and said that he wasn't kidding, and that he had gotten someone pregnant, but then he "handled it and got rid of it". I was in shock and hung up the phone, absolutely flabbergasted. He tried to call me back straightaway, and eventually sent me a message saying "It was just a joke". I sent him one back saying "Very funny telling your sister who can't have kids that", and haven't heard from him since. I know he probably thought he was hilarious, and I hate being so uptight, but I couldn't help it. My throat closed, my shoulders tightened and I just wanted to disappear. Even retelling this story hurts me thinking about it. Trying to just let it go.

Day 6

I have decided my ovaries have a sense of humour. How else can I explain that in addition to my usual smattering of 5mm folicles over both of my ovaries, I also have a ginormous 14mm lone follicle? So frustrated by that damn follicle, I swear my body is having a great joke at my expense. I spoke to the nurses coordinator and let her know that I would not want to cancel the cycle. She seemed suprised that I thought it would be cancelled, but this is similar to what happened in my very first cycle, where I injected for a couple of weeks and only ended up with the one big follicle growing (I was on 75iu/112.5iu and this cycle I am on 112.5iu).

So I have started my orgalutran injections today, much earlier than I normally would, but can't risk ovulating earlier. Thank goodness the government have subsidised the injections since last month, otherwise this could be a very expensive caper - they were previously $90 a shot!

So off for another blood test tomorrow morning...

Day 5

No news at the moment, just injecting (112.5iu) and I have a blood test and scan tomorrow morning at the clinic. Am meant to be at work but running late so no time for chit chat. Hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully a bigger update tomorrow xx

Cycle 41, Day 1, ART Cycle #12

And we are at this same, scary place again. Ready to embark on treatment, nervous about what lies ahead. There are feelings of anticipation, of hope of what 'might' be. But a lot of apprehension as well. What will be, will be.

Today is the 1534th day since we started our journey to conceive. That many days spent almost lusting over something that you don't have control of has not been good to me. It has changed me. For those that have read for a while, you know about my depression, anxiety attacks, and rollercoaster of emotions that we have gone through. But I have changed on a deeper level than that, and I'm not sure I will ever be the same again. I have a deeper appreciation for other peoples feelings and suffering. I am much more aware of saying the right thing, and more importantly, not saying the wrong or insensitive thing. It's about not taking the easy road, bringing up tough subjects, but also being a good friend. I hope I am being a good friend.

Another change I have experienced is about how I judge other people. Everyone likes to claim that they don't judge people, or that phrase 'no judgement'. But all of us judge, it's what we do with our judgements that shows who we really are. If somebody asks me what they think, I will be diplomatic, but as long as I think the person can handle the truth (it isn't going to harm or cruelly hurt them), then I will be honest and give me opinion. I have strong values and beliefs, especially around my faith in God. There are certain things that are non-negotiables to me, most importantly the sanctity of marriage. I am happy for people to disagree with my views, and am more than happy to have the debate, or leave it happily alone. But it means that when my friends are doing something which I believe is immoral, I need to make a decision about whether I will enable that behaviour, say something, or break the friendship. In this case my friend approached me and we discussed it and I think we have both moved on from it better for the conversation. In the past I would have been too scared or too over-the-top, or too-something. Now I can just take it for what it is and deal with it for myself.

I need to be me. Rach had a great post recently about discovering herself, and I feel like that is slowly happening to me. Not in a flash of lightening, but slowly, gradually over the last few years, it feels like everything has happened for a reason. All the pain that we have dealt with has happened for a greater purpose - to help me understand who I am, and to build my relationship with Murray. I am starting to get my head around it.