Ready to go

CD 1 is here and I am ready to go. Actually I am a tad tipsy at a barbecue right now but am very excited that we are starting this. I  feel really positive that this could be the start of something great. A wonderful girl at my church today told me that she is pregnant (she is actually past 30 weeks already!) and I was just so happy for her. She is from Zimbabwe and her husband is an Australian guy who met her through mission work through my church. One of my closest friends M is pregnant and I barely felt a hint of jealousy. My church and work and friendships are filled with pregnancies, and for the first time I feel like I can breathe. I hope this peace is here to stay and that it is a sign of good things to come.

How much to share?

Melissa recently wrote a post on the stuff we write on our blogs, and more importantly, what we leave out.
I am a sharer in real life and have always wanted to put my 'real' self into my blog. I have never hidden my identity (without handing out my address and credit card details on a silver platter!), and am very honest about my feelings and stuff that I have been through.

Part of that is because I want other people to learn about infertility and the real impact it has on people. It's not something that should be hidden away. There should be far more education around, and even more than that, it should be something that people are compassionate about.

But the other reason why I am so open is that I am different. I have always felt out of place in the world. I've never been the popular girl, the one with all the friends. I like to read books, talk about politics, ponder on the worlds mysteries and dream of anything and everything. I have been through depression and anxiety, come out the other end and then gone back into it. I have family issues like you wouldn't believe. I'm infertile. I've lost babies. I want to share because I want someone to care. I want people to understand how I feel and really 'get' who I am. And I want other people to share as much as I do.

While I share a lot of me, recently I have had to make a decision not to share certain things. This is incredibly difficult for me. I treat my blog like my journal a lot of the time - an outlet for me to talk (type) things over and release the emotion associated with it. Blogging the details of my Dads trial, or my brothers issues affects more than just me which means more self-editing on my part. I hope you understand.

Not Guilty

The trial is over. My Dad was found not guilty of the offence he was charged with. He no longer has accusations or a potential jail term hanging over his head. I am glad that it is over and he can move on with his life.

I don't think he committed the crime that he was accused of. However he was capable of the crime, and it didn't shock me that he was accused of it which is awful. He doesn't hold the same morals that I do, and I have very little respect for him or the life choices he has made.

I just don't know if I can have a relationship with him anymore.  I want a relationship with my father. But the truth is that I don't want a relationship with him. I want one with him being a real father. And that's never going to happen. He isn't going to change who he is. I'm not going to change who I am. I either choose to accept who he is and try to have a relationship on his terms, guarding myself from every misstep and disappointment, or I choose to walk away.

I don't know if I can do either.

*edited - this post was three times as long but it was too much for me to bear, please excuse my self-editing*

court

Oh how I hate all of this. Am at court in the lunchbreak in my mobile so this will be short. Is all very traumatic . I want to hear everything so I can make up my on mind but I just feel sad and yuck. Listened to alicias evidence against dad this morning and it was awful. Sad, graphic and plain awful. I know that parts of what she said weren't truthful but it is still awful. God knows I hate my family sometimes . Not sure if I will come back to court tomorrow .

Starting the process

I finally picked up my Provera tablets from my FS today, so will fill the script and start taking them tomorrow. I am currently on day 20, which I know is early to start taking them, but we are going on holiday in early July, and I cant risk transfer/results being around those dates, so better to cut short this cycle and get going with it all.

Am starting to get a tad nervous about it all. I am excited that we are doing IVF and that we have a donor, but scared about the implication if it fails. After all, this IS the back up plan. What happens if this doesnt work as well?


On the adoption front, we have had some correspondence from DCP (the department handling adoptions) and apparently Murray's doctor wouldn't provide him a recommendation that he is 'fit to be a parent', suggesting that he needs a psychiatric review. We feel that he is being vindictive after the billing fiasco that occurred (after charging Murray more than double what I was charged for our medicals, and complaining about it). So we will be complaining to the medical board about that. But unfortunately it places us in a very difficult position with the adoption committee as they have already seen this report and are concerned and confused. If Murray really needed a psychiatric review for his depression, then A) I would as well as I have had it a lot longer and more severe than Murray has, and B) surely the doctor would have referred him for one sometime in the 6 months he has presented with depression and been treated for it by the same doctor. Why now all of a sudden he needs it. Plus C) there was absolutely no mention of this at the doctors appointment when the medical was done - we believe the medical report was possibly altered after our complaint. Or at least left blank and filled in afterwards. So very upset at the situation, but trying to now think of the best way to move forward. We don't want to dignify the report by having to get him to see a psych, but it may be our only option in the eyes of the adoption board.

My Dads trial starts next week which is very scary. I haven't talked about it much on here as it is a lot to take in, and for all his faults, he is still my Dad. I learnt a long time ago that you cant change people, you need to either take them for who they are or cut them off. The evidence presented at this trial and the outcome will have a big part in my decision making as to which side I fall on. If I believe at the end of the trial that he is guilty of the charges, then I will need to make some hard decisions about my future relationship with my father. Anyway, high stress times ahead over the next month, but I am feeling good, not depressed which is positive, and I am just going to take each day as it comes.

More ignorance

Continuing the theme of people who don't get infertility, I received an email from a distant cousin who I virtually never see and doesn't really know me. 

COUSIN 12 May at 08:23
hey sweetie :)
are you still doing IVF ?

No idea how she knows but its no secret I guess..

Rebecca D 12 May at 11:42
Hi amy. yep starting ivf again next month - will see how it goes. how are you?

Short, sweet, to the point, and then moving onto a different subject

COUSIN 12 May at 14:35
you should watch 'the secret' so AMAZING!!! and mind blowing and awesome :D
wow!!! :D
im good!
i hope it all goes well for you :) xoxo

Great, unsolicited advice, thanks for that

COUSIN 13 May at 19:42
raw vegans are extremely fertile and fall preg easily, it sounds extreme and it takes time to learn to do properly but this lifestyle has a ton of benefits, there are places in Perth where you can learn. anyways just an idea :) my goal is 100% raw organic vegan :) if someone had of told me 3 years ago that id be vegan one day i would have been like NO way in hell lol
but its actually not as hard as it might seem and the food tastes incredible! :) in fact even my mum LOVES my raw vegan creations lol
anywayz i hope you have an awesome week and good luck with whatever you choose to do, :) xo
dont hate me for sending this lol im just trying 2 help coz i know IVF is super expensive :(

No *shock horror*, IVF is expensive? You are kidding me! And there are never any infertile vegans? I beg to differ.

COUSIN 13 May at 19:49
benefits for me include : super energy! never get headaches EVER, beautiful skin, feel super strong and fit, never get sick etc (hard to believe i know, but true)
my friend Sue was overweight and she lost 30kg in 3 months by going raw vegan and she used to be a hardcore meat eater :D plus she has the most amazing energy !
lol sorry haha i just feel like i have to share and help everyone coz THIS CAN SERIOUSLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!
:)

OK now you are bothering me. I haven't responded to your emails, which is generally a sign to STOP EMAILING ME!

Rant over.

Response to last comment

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "If I see one more facebook status"

These women didn't write this to spite you. Your misfortune is terrible, but I think being angry or upset about what others write is quite selfish. Can you honestly say if you eventually did have a baby that you wouldn't write stuff that may offend people who cannot have a children? You wouldn't write about your pregnancy on your facebook? Or your child? A lot of people have lost their mothers, imagine how they feel on mothers day? I really hope you do eventually get your bub and things work out, but I think that this kind of negativity probably doesn't help when it comes your mental health and trying to get pregnant.

I wanted to respond to the comment made on my last post, and hopefully it gives some sort of insight to those who haven't gone through infertility, how I feel about people with children.

I don't begrudge other mothers their children. Yes some days it hurts more than others, and there are so many crackwhores out there who shouldn't be having kids. But for the general population, I really am not angry or upset about other people having children - they are entitled to have families and I am happy they have been blessed. But it always hurts, no matter how close the person is, no matter how much they struggled to conceive also, no matter what the situation - it is human nature for us to put ourselves and our emotions first. And the overriding emotion with these things is "It's not me and I wish it was".

And absolutely I plan on blogging my pregnancy when it happens, and I will post on facebook. Everybody should celebrate having children, having a family. No doubt I will post belly pics and debate pram and cot choices. However my particular annoyance was that instead of celebrating the uniqueness of motherhood and holding that baby in your arms; instead of talking about the day ahead and the special moments with your children, Mothers Day was reduced to a few trite lines, that made it seem that only a mother with live children could love a child that much, and at least in my mind at that point in time, only that mothers love made that baby possible. Because I didn't love my baby enough for it to live or something to that effect.

And one last thing, just because it absolutely grates on my nerves when people tell me this. Unless you can scientifically prove that 'negativity' reduces my chances of falling pregnant, then please don't proffer advice on that front. I think that's almost worse than telling me to relax.

If I see one more facebook status...

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. When you were born, I saw your face and knew I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew I would die for you. To this day I will. Mother's Day is approaching. Repost this if you have children you love more than life - multiple facebook updates for Mothers Day

Am trying so hard not lose my cool. I know these women mean well, and are proud of their mummy status. But my God it hurts sooo much. Rub it into my face why don't you. Yes you are a Mum. I am not. You have a beautiful baby or childy, who in your own words, you would 'die for'. Instead, my baby just died. Inside of me. No amount of anything could change that outcome. So while you have a wonderful day with your children, and think changing your facebook status to some cookie-cutter template makes it that much more special, I will sit at home trying to convince myself that the world will keep spinning.

Mothers Day IS a special day. But please, for goodness sakes, don't use such a clichéd, cut-and-paste bunch of words from someone else's status. Be original, acknowledge your love for your kids and then go and be with them. Hug them tight and close. Because you have something so amazing and special and you should never let go.

Friends

Have managed to get through another toothless day. Woke up in a depressed funk, but thanks to two beautiful friends, have managed to get through the day well and am in a much better space. Thanks R & M :-)

Need to get my butt into gear and get to work on a uni assignment that is due next week. I would get an extension for it except 1) the tutor changes this week to a new person and 2) it's group work so I can't let the group down. Bugger! So just need to get into the right frame of mind and start typing!

Teeth are out

Wisdom teeth are no longer, however in their place are big gaping holes that hurt - a lot! For all those people who said this wouldn't hurt - you lied! I was given Tramadol to take when I first left hospital but after consultation, am not going to take it anymore. Just on Panadol as anything stronger tends to make me feel ill.

Am on sick leave from work until next Monday, but have checked in on my emails and made a few phone calls to ease my mind, and now off back to bed.

Am so glad that I didn't try to push ahead with doing IVF as well as my wisdom teeth this cycle, as there is no way I would have been able to cope. I guess God works in mysterious ways huh. Am looking forward to healing, and then starting over next cycle.

Wisdom teeth today

Am off to get my wisdom teeth removed - am scared out of my mind but am putting it into God's hands. Please pray for me that all goes well!

Church workshop

On Saturday I went to a workshop at my church called 'Hidden Masks'. It was about the masks women put on after unresolved pregnancy loss - abortion, stillbirth, miscarriage and early childhood death. It was an interesting workshop - some parts I didnt feel were as relevant as others, but it was still good overall.

It did make me realise that I have resolved my miscarriage. I will always remember our baby, our first baby girl, and I don't have to forget her to move on with my life. I like when I think about her, and the short time I was pregnant with Vanilla. But it doesn't eat at me like it once did. It has taken a year to get to that point. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes get teary at babies, or a particular thought will cross my mind that makes me sad. But I have worked through my grief and now have mainly happy thoughts.

The one thing I pray is that I never have to experience a miscarriage again.

Listening

I got my period this morning. I was really upset and angry and couldn't believe that it had come before my operation on Tuesday. I asked in my head 'Why?'. And as if someone was standing next to me, I heard a voice saying that it was "so you can heal". I am trying to listening to God, and am choosing to obey him. So IVF is off for another cycle. But I know God is there. It's not all bad right :)