Happy Easter

I am really appreciating Easter this year. In years gone by, I have missed the symbolism and importance of this time, but right now it really resonates with me.

Knowing that Jesus died on the cross for me is an amazing thing, that he did this for a sinner like me, and the rest of mankind. But something that our pastor said at the Friday morning service stuck with me. He said that even Jesus, when on the cross, asked God why he had forsaken him. Everybody questions when enough will be enough. Everybody goes through something. Some peoples burdens are bigger than others, and we think that God has forgotten us, that he doesn't care what happens to us. But the fact that we are here today shows that he does care. After all, he sent his son to die for me. Do I need more proof than that?

It was an intense sermon, that made me realise that I can get through this. Even if it is in God's plan that we can not have children. I know that would be terribly hard to get through, and would be very painful, I have enough faith in God that I could get through it. I think that it is the first time in my life I have been able to say that.

In coming to that conclusion, I have also started thinking about when we should restart IVF treatment. Currently we are on the waiting list for donor sperm, which seems to be dragging out much longer than it should. We have a holiday booked in July to go to Malaysia and Singapore for 12 nights, and last week we made a snap decision to use Murray's frequent flyer points to go to Hong Kong & China in November for 8 nights. The timing of the holidays is likely to stop us from doing any IVF treatment in June/July and October/November, we wont get a donor until at least May plus Christmas is crazy. Which really leaves August/September for a cycle. The way the Medicare system works is that you get a bigger refund on your second and subsequent IVF cycles in a calendar year - it's only about $600 but given our financial situation it is still a decent amount to consider. I have been thinking about maybe just holding off until next year but I don't know. (Please no advice - I have heard enough of it from everyone else!!! Driving me a bit bonkers actually!)

We have had about five months off from treatment so far, and although it has done me wonders, I would love to be pregnant at Christmas time, and not have another miserable time thinking about what could/should have been. Also in consideration is that my sister-in-law (Murrays sister) is currently trying for a baby. I harbour no ill-will towards her, and hope she has an easy time falling, but I know that this will hurt me, and I'm not sure I could cope just sitting by and watching her have everything I want - the pregnancy, birth and baby while I do nothing towards treatment etc.

In the mix of all this, we are slowly doing all our adoption paperwork. Murray and I are doing our medical checks next week so once they are done, we just need to get a few more documents certified and then we can submit the first lot of paperwork. We aren't in a rush

OK that's my first big update for quite a while so I will leave it at that. It's funny, I nearly didn't bother doing a post today because I didn't think I had anything to say, but forcing myself to write down what I am thinking has actually really lifted my mood and I feel good. Happy Easter everyone, enjoy Sunday with family, friends or just enjoy the peace by yourself.