I wrote this post an hour before we received our donor list so don't think I am on a donor after that, I just wanted to get this off my chest.
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So much drama in my family. My brother is in jail on remand, my Dad goes on trial sometime next month on a separate but equally serious matter. My brothers 21 year old girlfriend is 6 months pregnant with her fifth child, while the other four are in foster care due to neglect. Some days it just gets all too much :-(
I started a new job at the end of last year which is great... except for the people who I work with. People are downright rude to me, will ignore me when I say hello, I never get invited to any lunches or other events, and just generally blank me out. Even one girl who was lovely to me when I first joined barely speaks to me, and when she sees me, she ignores me or is rude to my face. This is a woman who spoke to me at length in the first month of me being there, bared her soul over infertility issues, game me the gossip on who does what where in the branch, yet know she wont even acknowledge that I exist.
I do my job well, my big boss has said how happy he is with the work that I am doing and my professionalism so what the hell am I doing wrong?
I just feel like there is something about me that turns people away and I have no idea what it is. My best friend from high school was my maid of honour 'D', who one day decided just to stop taking my calls and never speak to me again. Then another best friend 'R' who I was very close to decided one day that she didn't want to speak to me, once again stopped taking my calls and basically has never spoken to me again (she recently added me to facebook but hasn't spoken to me...) I feel like there is something wrong with me that everybody is too scared to tell me about. Is there something that I do or say that turns people away? Do I smell that bad? Please tell me. Anonymously even if you feel that you can't say it under your name. But I want to know. I need to know. I invest so much in my friends and it hurts so much when people just leave my life.
I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I am trying to come off my anti-depressants. It's a big step for me but I think I am ready. The first step is for me to move from 20mg to 10mg tablets for a couple of months, and although I am still doing okay, I can definitely tell the difference in the strength of tablet. Feeling a bit dizzy at times and my head starts spinning (emotionally and physically!). But it is something that I really want to do.
Bec honey, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with you, some people are just arses.
ReplyDeleteI've worked in places like you describe where people are just not nice. Perhaps the women who were nice to you at the start have become jealous because you're obviously doing such a good job and being noticed by your boss?
As for your other friends, honey they aren't friends and honestly you're better off without them.
If you need to chat, feel free to email me, I'm always happy to lend an ear childlessone@gmail.com
Much love my friend
xxxx
I am so sorry about all of the family drama. That is A LOT to be dealing with on top of infertility.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with you hun. Some women are just bitches, especially in office environments. I swear, I hated working with so many women at my last job because there was always drama and gossip and backstabbing.
I'm not sure what happened with your ex-friends, but sometimes friendships change and people come and go in your life for reasons you may never know. It sucks though. And it hurts.
Perhaps this is none of my business, but perhaps now is not the best time to come off your antidepressants. Just a suggestion. With all of the stress and drama you are dealing with, would it be possible to stay on them? I have been on antidepressants (wellbutrin) for about 6 years now and every time I have tried to go off them or reduce my dose, it just throws me into the pit. I did manage to go on a reduced dose during the pregnancy, but I'm back up to the standard dose now. I felt bad about taking the meds while pregnant, but depression can be damaging to the baby itself. If you are worried about staying on them once you get pregnant from the donor sperm, could you talk to your doctor about getting on a relatively safe during pregnancy med?
Rebecca I don't know you personally but from what I can tell there is not a thing wrong with you, except you have alot on your plate atm.
ReplyDeleteThis is the reason I don't have a best friend because I just get sick of being stabbed in the back, and its funny how things that happened yrs and yrs ago can still effect your choices now such as me not letting people get close to me...you just get sick of being hurt!!
I know how hard it is to work in an environment where there is tention etc it just suxs but as hard as it is maybe you just ned to go in, do your job and maybe start looking for a new one if thats an option??
I too was going to say do you think it's the best time to start dropping your meds with everything that is going on? I know it's something you want to do but maybe after things have settled and you feel strong enough within yourself to do it without outside influences effecting you e.g your brother and fathers issues.
Sweety don't let them get to you and bring you down...your so better than them!!
Hey doll, it's M
ReplyDeleteTry to remember that people cope with things in different ways. You and I are always so different in the way we communicate that we often see things from an entirely different angle - I suspect that your friends are just as broken and sad as you are, but don't have your marvellous open personality and can only bury their pain in silence. I know that doesn't make any sense to you, but sometimes it's just the way people are.
Want me to pop round work tomorrow and get my men to crap on a few windscreens?
Aww honey... There is nothing wrong with you at all.. You are a sweet , beautiful, amazing person who would do just about anything for those she cares about.. Sorry about Perth Region.. Wish I was in Perth so we could was out for a coffee (or cocktail) and you could unload everything. I'll never stop taking ur calls Bec.. You're stuck with me ;) XX
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through this again!
ReplyDeleteI went through a period of time when I thought that there was something seriously wrong with me 'cos I kept on having problems at work. Mr. JB reminded me that because I'm a nice person, people take advantage of that.
You are a wonderful person, and even though I haven't met you in person, I can tell through your blog and your words that there is nothing wrong with you.
Sending you hugs!
I worked for a large toy store years ago (the stores don't exist anymore but their competition TRU still do, so that might clue you up!) and I would say that about 95% of the people who worked at that store hated me. I have no idea what I did wrong, but whenever I would walk into the tea room at lunchtime everyone would just stare at me. If it wasn't for the handful of nice people and a really nice manager, I would have walked away from the job earlier.
ReplyDeleteThe world is full of freaks, who knows why people act that way.
If I was working with you Bec, I would be in awe of you.
xo B
Bec, I know I'm an ocean away, but I adore you and think you're fabulous. From all that I know of you-it is NOT you. Sometimes people are just hideous colleagues. Friendships die out and change. It can be sad, frustrating, irritating, devestating, etc.. Please know that I have only experienced you as kind, loving, thoughtful, funny, and sweet.
ReplyDeleteBec, everyone feels like that about their friends every so often. Sometimes you feel like you are the only one who reaches out to people and you get nothing in return. I don't know what it is either, as I have the same problem. But I know I am a nice person really, normal and nice, so what is it?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I could say is...sometimes I look to myself and if I am having problems with everyone around me, arguments, issues, people are keeping their distance etc, I wonder if its me and my depression pushing people away through my actions.
Look deep inside yourself and see how you might be perceived by others. Could it be body language or the things you say or do?
But really in the end, you can't make everyone like you. You just have to be grateful that you have your wonderful husband and reach out to the friends you do have that are there for you. Join groups or whatever to find ways to make more friends too, although you seem very busy ATM.
I'm going to remain anonymous but I am someone who loves you for who and thinks you are just the best. You are pretty and clever and you will have a little baby in your arms soon, I just know it.
I love you lots xo
Bec
ReplyDeleteOh my god... I did not realise things were so bad at your office.
How do you get through the day!
Maybe you should think about taking your brothers children into your care? You want children, cant have them, he has children that aren't looked being looked after?
ReplyDeleteHi anonymous - thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteWe have considered taking the kids in the past, but it's not an option for us - not least because they have now been placed with the maternal grandmother, and DCP are misguidedly aiming to return the children to the gf's care at some point in the future.
We aren't set up to have four children in one hit, and the additional developmental delay issues some of the kids have are beyond my capabilities right now. I would love to have them but if I consider it realistically, it's just not possible