Wisdom teeth

The countdown is on... and it's not a good one. I am getting my wisdom teeth out next Tuesday and I am freaking out! I keep hearing horror stories about the operation and recovery which scares me so much. Murray reckons that if I can handle five egg collections, then I can handle my teeth, but it's just so much closer to my brains! What if they poke an eye out! Or I am in agony afterwards? I don't cope well with pain...

Fingers crossed my period doesn't start until after the operation so we can go straight into our DIVF cycle. At CD 35 today so it could arrive any time from now on but considering last months record cycle, who knows when it will arrive. I'll try and get some provera after my op if it hasn't come so that I don't have to wait around forever.

Damn it

I appear to have lost by blog links on the right when I moved to my new domain name (check it out - so cool!). I have tried to import all of my regular blogs across but some aren't there...
So do me a favour bloggy friends - leave behind a link to your blog so can add you back to my list!

Decision made

We have decided on a donor - Donor #1. Murray and I talked through the whole process and in the end I wanted him to feel 100% confident and as comfortable as he could be with the decision. Even though I was leaning towards the carpenter, I am still very happy with this choice and I think Murray is pleased that there will be something of him in the baby (Murray trained as a journalist so has that connection).
Originally we were concerned about the olive skin issue, but to be honest we will deal with that if it ever arises. It's not something that either of us care about for ourselves, more that I don't want our child to be bullied or picked on because he/she looks different... but the likelihood is they wont look different, and kids can get teased for any number of things....

Anyhow, the decision is made so the waiting begins! I am actually getting my wisdom teeth out on May 4 under a general anesthetic which means that I can not do an IVF cycle during that time. Am hoping my period arrives the next day so that I can still get the cycle in, but otherwise we will have to wait until the following cycle. Unfortunately my cycles are so screwy that I can't predict when my period will arrive, fingers crossed it all works out. I was tempted to cancel my teeth surgery but I just need to bite the bullet and do it before my teeth are all crooked - some of my teeth have already changed position and I don't want to look like a hag!

Am at home today with I think the start of the flu. Half way through Autumn and Winter is definitely poking it's nose through the window to let us know it's coming!

Drama

 I wrote this post an hour before we received our donor list so don't think I am on a donor after that, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

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So much drama in my family. My brother is in jail on remand, my Dad goes on trial sometime next month on a separate but equally serious matter. My brothers 21 year old girlfriend is 6 months pregnant with her fifth child, while the other four are in foster care due to neglect. Some days it just gets all too much :-(

I started a new job at the end of last year which is great... except for the people who I work with. People are downright rude to me, will ignore me when I say hello, I never get invited to any lunches or other events, and just generally blank me out. Even one girl who was lovely to me when I first joined barely speaks to me, and when she sees me, she ignores me or is rude to my face. This is a woman who spoke to me at length in the first month of me being there, bared her soul over infertility issues, game me the gossip on who does what where in the branch, yet know she wont even acknowledge that I exist.
I do my job well, my big boss has said how happy he is with the work that I am doing and my professionalism so what the hell am I doing wrong?

I just feel like there is something about me that turns people away and I have no idea what it is. My best friend from high school was my maid of honour 'D', who one day decided just to stop taking my calls and never speak to me again. Then another best friend 'R' who I was very close to decided one day that she didn't want to speak to me, once again stopped taking my calls and basically has never spoken to me again (she recently added me to facebook but hasn't spoken to me...) I feel like there is something wrong with me that everybody is too scared to tell me about. Is there something that I do or say that turns people away? Do I smell that bad? Please tell me. Anonymously even if you feel that you can't say it under your name. But I want to know. I need to know. I invest so much in my friends and it hurts so much when people just leave my life.

I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I am trying to come off my anti-depressants. It's a big step for me but I think I am ready. The first step is for me to move from 20mg to 10mg tablets for a couple of months, and although I am still doing okay, I can definitely tell the difference in the strength of tablet. Feeling a bit dizzy at times and my head starts spinning (emotionally and physically!). But it is something that I really want to do.

We have sperm!

After all of my complaints about the wait to get a sperm donor, I decided to call the clinic today to ask what was going on. I spoke to the donor coordinator who told me I was currently eighth on the waiting list and therefore another 6-8 weeks away from getting a donor. I told her how disappointed my husband and I were and all of sudden she perked up and said 'husband?'. I have a funny feeling I must have been put in the 'single' box because all of a sudden she said that all the people above me on the donor list were either single applicants or same-sex couples.  Although the clinic themselves can't put any restrictions on who access donor sperm, the donors themselves can limit who receives their donations (for example no single people, or only hetero married couples). Also if there is limited sperm samples available, the sample may be considered only acceptable for IVF and not for IUI.

So after all of that, we have five donor profiles to pick from! We have eliminated two of the donors straight away as one had green eyes and blond hair (we both have brown hair while I have blue eyes and Murray has brown eyes, and the other donor was only 170cm (I'm 173cm and DH is 182cm) and would need ICSI (We only want to use straight IVF).

So now the decision making starts! Our three profile finalists are:

Donor One
HEIGHT         184CM
BUILD            MEDIUM
HAIR COLOUR        BLONDE/BROWN
EYE COLOUR        BROWN
COMPLEXION        OLIVE
BLOOD GROUP        A-
BIRTHPLACE        AUSTRALIA
RACE        CAUCASIAN
OCCUPATION        JOURNALIST
EDUCATION LEVEL        TERTIARY

INTERESTS         WRITING

SINGLE CONSENT         YES

PERSONALITY AND OTHER INFORMATION:

The donor describes himself as outgoing and is donating for altruistic reasons. He has a history of a heart problem (resting tachycardia) which has been cured. This does not affect his ability to be a donor although please note that this sperm would need to be used in conjunction with an IVF cycle.

Donor Two

HEIGHT         188 CM
BUILD         SLIM
HAIR COLOUR         LIGHT BROWN
EYE COLOUR         BLUE
COMPLEXION         FAIR
BLOOD GROUP         O +VE
BIRTHPLACE         NEW SOUTH WALES
RACE          CAUCASIAN
OCCUPATION         CARPENTER
EDUCATION LEVEL         DIPLOMA
INTERESTS         BUILDING FURNITURE, ORGANISING
SINGLE CONSENT         NOT FOR SAME SEX COUPLES
PERSONALITY AND OTHER INFORMATION:
The donor describes himself as “friendly and extroverted” and is donating to help others. He has no children of his own and his medical history is excellent.

Donor Three
HEIGHT                  176CM

BUILD                 MEDIUM

HAIR COLOUR              BROWN

EYE COLOUR                BROWN

COMPLEXION               FAIR

BLOOD GROUP               A+

BIRTHPLACE             WA

RACE                   EUROPEAN (POLISH/AUSTRALIAN)

OCCUPATION                    TEACHER (HIGH SCHOOL)

EDUCATION LEVEL             BACHELOR OF ECONOMICS (HONS)

INTERESTS               TRAVEL, DINING OUT

SINGLE CONSENT            YES

PERSONALITY AND OTHER INFORMATION:
This donor is donating because he’d like “to help out someone who wants a child”, and describes himself as easygoing. He has hypertension (on treatment) and has experienced depression in the past.


Our thoughts so far...

• Would like someone who is around Murray's height (184cm)
• Definitely needs brown hair as we both have brown hair, but it can be light coloured
• Murray was a journalist before he became a teacher so both of those occupations are highly regarded by us
• Murray would prefer a degree qualification
• I like that the carpenter makes furniture and is handy - very much like my brothers but not like Murray!
• The health problems dont concern us all that much as Murray already has hypertension and we have both had depression. Tachycardia is treatable so all okay from that side of things

What else should we be considering? I think Donor 1 is our frontrunner, the only real concern we have is the olive skin. We are both very fair so how olive is olive? Are we talking dark brown or just tanned? Will we be asked questions by people on the street? Will it affect our child? Do we have to match exactly? Is dark skin a dominant gene - will it even matter? So much stuff to think about


But seriously, how on earth do you make a decision like this! We have prayed about it and I know that God will lead us in the right direction. I want to be able to call back on Monday with our answer, so please pray for us for wisdom to make the right decision.

Remembering

This time last year I was six weeks pregnant. I had a little cry today when I was hugging Charlie on the couch and thinking how lucky I was to have my puppy, and then it hit me that I should be hugging my little baby instead. The tears came thick and fast, but they weren't tears of despair. I'm not quite sure how to explain it except that they were tears of wanting, of remembering what once was, and what might never be again.

Happy Easter

I am really appreciating Easter this year. In years gone by, I have missed the symbolism and importance of this time, but right now it really resonates with me.

Knowing that Jesus died on the cross for me is an amazing thing, that he did this for a sinner like me, and the rest of mankind. But something that our pastor said at the Friday morning service stuck with me. He said that even Jesus, when on the cross, asked God why he had forsaken him. Everybody questions when enough will be enough. Everybody goes through something. Some peoples burdens are bigger than others, and we think that God has forgotten us, that he doesn't care what happens to us. But the fact that we are here today shows that he does care. After all, he sent his son to die for me. Do I need more proof than that?

It was an intense sermon, that made me realise that I can get through this. Even if it is in God's plan that we can not have children. I know that would be terribly hard to get through, and would be very painful, I have enough faith in God that I could get through it. I think that it is the first time in my life I have been able to say that.

In coming to that conclusion, I have also started thinking about when we should restart IVF treatment. Currently we are on the waiting list for donor sperm, which seems to be dragging out much longer than it should. We have a holiday booked in July to go to Malaysia and Singapore for 12 nights, and last week we made a snap decision to use Murray's frequent flyer points to go to Hong Kong & China in November for 8 nights. The timing of the holidays is likely to stop us from doing any IVF treatment in June/July and October/November, we wont get a donor until at least May plus Christmas is crazy. Which really leaves August/September for a cycle. The way the Medicare system works is that you get a bigger refund on your second and subsequent IVF cycles in a calendar year - it's only about $600 but given our financial situation it is still a decent amount to consider. I have been thinking about maybe just holding off until next year but I don't know. (Please no advice - I have heard enough of it from everyone else!!! Driving me a bit bonkers actually!)

We have had about five months off from treatment so far, and although it has done me wonders, I would love to be pregnant at Christmas time, and not have another miserable time thinking about what could/should have been. Also in consideration is that my sister-in-law (Murrays sister) is currently trying for a baby. I harbour no ill-will towards her, and hope she has an easy time falling, but I know that this will hurt me, and I'm not sure I could cope just sitting by and watching her have everything I want - the pregnancy, birth and baby while I do nothing towards treatment etc.

In the mix of all this, we are slowly doing all our adoption paperwork. Murray and I are doing our medical checks next week so once they are done, we just need to get a few more documents certified and then we can submit the first lot of paperwork. We aren't in a rush

OK that's my first big update for quite a while so I will leave it at that. It's funny, I nearly didn't bother doing a post today because I didn't think I had anything to say, but forcing myself to write down what I am thinking has actually really lifted my mood and I feel good. Happy Easter everyone, enjoy Sunday with family, friends or just enjoy the peace by yourself.